True Colors

Thus far this year has been ...well ...interesting -- both personally and globally.  I quipped to a friend just the other day that I think "interesting" has become the new "normal."  With all the crazy things going on in the world, I have found myself questioning how I found myself in such a bizarro reality ( "Bizarro" in the Superman sense of the word -- or Seinfeld sense if you prefer -- of being "weirdly inverted or opposite of expectations").  It has been disorienting, discouraging, and disheartening as I ask myself, "Did I take a wrong turn somewhere? What the heck is going on?!"

Then an interesting thought occurred to me -- What if the world really did end in 2012 as it was predicted to, and we just didn't notice?  This brings up one of my favorite quotes from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy~

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."  ~Douglas Adams

 I'm not saying that the Earth blew up and we're all walking around not realizing we are actually dead -- though wouldn't that be interesting?  I'm thinking again of the Shamanic death-and-rebirth cycle so familiar to pretty much anyone on a spiritual path.  The old world literally died, and now we are in the birth pains of a new world.  It's interesting to think of these things happening on a global level, to everybody, rather than just individually as I am used to. 

A number of years ago I heard a woman speaking about the coming Age of Aquarius, which we have just entered, and the one thing she said that has stuck with me since then is, "Birth is messy! Birth is bloody! Birth is painful!" Yep, that about covers it.

Remember also that this is the year of the Snake -- All this stuff that doesn't feel good, the stuff that feels like really old, really backward ways of thinking and being, is coming to the surface as part of a cleansing, flushing out, sloughing off the old skin that doesn't fit us anymore.  It seems dark, and possibly apocalyptic, but it is temporary.

What this line of thinking has brought up for me was a revelation I had after 911.  I had similar feelings of being in a world, and in a country, that seemed so foreign to me -- that I didn't belong in --with all the soaring attitudes of vengeance, revenge, chest-beating us v.s. them patriotism, and a weird sense of  'justice' that had nothing to do with dealing with the original issues. I was driving to work one morning when I asked myself out loud, "What am I doing in a world I don't fit in?"  Almost instantly it struck me. That's exactly why I am here -- because I don't fit in! That is my gift to the world and why I'm here -- to bring a different view to the world. To introduce new ideas and perspectives.  It's kind of like the way I think of all the things you get picked on for in school as a kid, later become your strengths and the things that set you apart -- the gifts you have for the world.

It is times like this, as tempting as it is to curl up, shrink back, and withdraw, that we need do the opposite. It is especially important at times like this that we find and share our voice.  The world needs you.  Seriously it does!  You are not here by accident with your unique set of talents.  And I'm not talking about marching on Washington, but simply living your life.  Change your own little world.  Bring beauty to your own little bubble of reality, and the entire world benefits.  You touch and influence everyone around you, who in turn touches and influences everyone around them, and so on and so on.  All these bubbles intersect and touch others, and if you ever doubt this, simply look at how small a world it has become with the intersecting circles of people on Facebook.  We really are powerful when we focus that power on where we are and what we're doing.

What originally started me on this whole thought stream was the song that shares the title of this post.  I heard it the other night when I was feeling discouraged (which is why the first couple lines really grabbed my attention) and every lyric resonated with me like it never has before -- And I've been finding renewed strength and encouragement through it.  The world needs you, now more than ever, to show your True Colors~~ 

You with the sad eyes

Don't be discouraged

Oh, I realize

It's hard to take courage

In a world full of people

You can lose sight of it all

And the darkness inside you

Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors

Shining through

I see your true colors

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors

True colors

Are beautiful like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,

Don't be unhappy

Can't remember when

I last saw you laughing

If this world makes you crazy

And you've taken all you can bear

You call me up

Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors

Shining through

I see your true colors

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors

Your true colors

Are beautiful like a rainbow

© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Where I Am

Traditionally Winters tend to be a little rough for me.  In some ways this year has followed suit, although I have to admit it has not been as dark and trying as past seasons.  In other ways it has been even more trying.  I've had some core, core stuff coming up for me to deal with, which has had me questioning everything -- what I do, what I believe, who I am.  It sometimes feels like I've lost my way, or am actually going backwards.  At the base of all these questions and resurfacing fears is the feeling of not being where I'm 'suppose to be'.  That I'm falling short somehow and not as far along as I should be. 

And to bring these things smack up into my face, a couple days ago my morning began with a phone conversation  with a friend who voiced her anger at me for exactly that -- Not living up to my potential, not being further on my path, and not doing my spiritual work.  On some level I realized these were her own judgements from her own expectations of who I should be, and had nothing to do with what was really going on with me.  Yet there was still a part of me -- a very young part of me -- that kind of woke up and asked, "What if she's right?"

From a very early age I felt like a stranger in this world, so right away I began, for self-preservation, to try to figure out how this seemingly non-sensical world worked, which mostly consisted of figuring out what was expected of me and how to live up to that.  This developed into the perpetual feeling of not being where I'm suppose to be, physically and otherwise, with undefined expectations hanging over my head that were impossible to live up to.  This is what was/is, I believe, at the heart of my challenges with panic/anxiety and depression.

There is much more to say on the subject, but I'm dangerously close to going off on another tangent or three and losing my intended focus for this particular post.  In short, the questioning and seemingly spinning my wheels this Winter was punctuated by this conversation which threw me into a familiar darkness of purposelessness and powerlessness.

I don't know how many times I started crying that day but I had to keep finding reasons to walk off by myself at work.  I felt totally worn down and exhausted -- unloved and unlovable.  At the same time there was a thread of peace underlying all the other feelings that gave me strength.  Despite the tears and sadness and confusion was the knowingness that this was ok.  That it was happening for a reason.  That it was coming up because it was in the process of flushing out of me.

Finally I decided on my lunch break to journey, hopefully to get some answers and clarity--

Feeling a bit ungrounded I decided it was a good idea to begin from my anchor point in this physical reality rather than just popping in on my guides like I tend to do. So I started at the tree, in the middle of the old Faerieworlds site, which is the shamanic portal for me to the otherworlds. 

I hesitated, listening to my heart as to which way to go, Upperworld or Lowerworld, then a moment later was climbing my tree toward the Upperworld home of my spirit teacher Fred.  The branches stretched skyward, disappearing into a ceiling of clouds, and as I rose through the clouds, I emerged through the floor of Fred's living room.  Instantly, in the journey and where I reclined in my car seat, I began to bawl at the love I felt radiating from this place and this man.  Have I mentioned before that Fred's last name is Rogers?

Fred greeted me and gave me a long hug, allowing my tears to fall on his sweater, then he sat me down.  He told me that I was exactly where I was 'suppose to be', even if that were among feelings of being lost and confused.  He brought up Cormorant, who had entered my life at the beginning of last year as a power animal, saying she was still working with me, using her medicine and diving deeper into the dark and unknown than I have ever been in this lifetime.  That is why on the surface there hasn't seemed to be much change or movement -- why I feel I'm not making much progress -- because the changes and shifts are too deep to be totally recognized yet in my day to day life.  This made a lot of sense as to the reason I've felt the way I have, because enormous amounts of my energy have been working fathoms beneath the surface, leaving the part of me still on the surface feeling the loss of that energy.  That in itself allowed me to relax considerably.  That's why I've felt so out of it, so exhausted, so vulnerable, and so battle worn.

I thanked Fred then said I think I needed a dismemberment -- a process where your guides take you apart and then put you back together stronger than before (I'm really trying to resist the temptation to say, "We can rebuild him! We have the technology!").  Instantly Fred, began karate kicking me, and with every swipe of his foot through me, I burst out in sprays of glitter and faery dust until there was nothing left of me, save for my consciousness just floating there. 

The next thing I knew I was watching this tiny little spider repelling down from the ceiling.  She stopped about 6 inches above my head and began spinning me into a cocoon of it's silvery threads.

At this point the exhaustion that had been dogging me took hold and I fell asleep.  The afternoon passed, then after work, as I was driving to Seattle, I recalled where the journey had 'stopped.'  A little alarmed that I couldn't remember getting out of the cocoon, I mentally connected with Fred to find out what had happened.  "You never did get out. You're still there. It's time for you to rest."

Phew!  There's nothing like getting permission from your guides to rest -- which is ultimately you giving yourself permission.  I have been driven since childhood to assess what was expected of me (which in reality was what I made up from what I believed others expected, since no one ever told me what those parameters were) and then to strive, and to strive, and to strive even harder for some nebulous potential. This process has hardly let up into the present, so no wonder I'm exhausted!

Again, my growing realization is validated -- that fulfillment, enlightenment, wholeness (whatever you want to label it) is gained by surrendering and dropping into what we already are, rather than the general consensus that these things are only gained through effort and strain.  As Jeshua has been saying for the twenty-some years that I've been going to him, there are no accidents so we are always in the right place at the right time. Wherever I am is where I'm 'suppose to' be. "You are where you are, and that is perfect."

So I set my intention to allow myself to rest, to allow myself to grow at my own pace, following my own time line no matter what the calendar or others might say, and to drop back into the wholeness and well-being that are my natural state.  And I follow the advice that Artemis continues to tell me:

"Don't give up. Just surrender."