How Great Thou Art

The past couple weeks have been a little rough, and it sounds like it's not just me. A lot of people seem to be going through some very trying emotional times lately. I actually talked more about that in my last entry ("One Man's Sealing..."), but when I tried to tuck the following bit into the middle of that one, it just seemed to cry out for its own attention.

As I said, I was feeling really crappy emotionally, and of course my mind was spinning its wheels trying to figure out why. I had talked to a friend about it one night and she helped me get some perspective. I went to bed feeling better, but still woke up in the morning feeling the same draining, darkness.

After telling my friend about this that morning, she texted me around lunch time to listen to this weekly radio show by a local Reiki Master and Psychic. I thought, "Fine. They must be talking about something that pertains to my situation." Then came another text: "Call her." "Seriously?" "Yes!" ...Gulp!

Fine. I went on my lunch break and I did call in, finally getting through, but they ran out of time before I could talk to this woman. However, because I was listening I found out that she has an after show forum on her website for people who couldn't get on, or who had questions about the show. I ran from my car where I was listening to the radio, and I got on a computer in the office and wrote:

Didn't get the chance to talk to you on the show, but was hoping you might help me get a handle on understanding what is going on with me right now. There's a lot of emotional upheaval, like today where I wake up anxious and full of self-doubt, and at the same time I also know I am at the highest peak spiritually I have been in this lifetime. Could you help me understand what is happening, what I need to do to balance, or what I'm not seeing myself that I need to take care of?

Thank you so much!
~Patrick

I had to wait until my next afternoon break to read her reply, but when I did I realized it was the perfect answer:

Emotions are the gateway to Spirituality so you are right that although there is much upheaval you are engaged in your soul's evolutionary process.

What I sense with you is that your chakras are out of balance and not communicating well together. This feels like torture instead of enlightenment. It is like we don't fit in our own Soul Skin or body consciousness.

I suggest you read this reminder a few times a day to let the energies sink in and permeate your Beingness.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our Light, not our darkness that most frightens us
We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?"

Acually, "Who are you not to be?"

You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our Presence
automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson "A Return to Love"

This is one of my favorite quotes of all time (even though there is debate concerning who actually said it first). That was exactly what I needed to hear! It reminded me of when in shaman class we met our True Self -- not our Higher Self, that part of us closest to the Universal Mind or Cosmic Consciousness, but the manifestation of our highest potential at its most authentic on this plane. My true Self, incidentally, looks like a cross between Davy Crockett and Robin Hood, with green leather medieval style clothing --with dags and fringes -- and a permanent grin that easily breaks into a raucous laugh when I/he throw back my/his head. Anyway, the energy of this True Self is huge and I could feel my aura expand exponentially, filling the entire room and beyond. Then our teacher says, "Now open your eyes and look around at all the beautiful True Selves around you, and notice that there is enough room here for everyone's True Self!"

Since that forum, reading that quote every day, I have felt increasingly better. And despite occasional periods of confusion and emotional upheaval, I really do need to pat my self on the back for coming so far out of my shell in such a relatively short period of time, if in no other way then by the example of my writing this blog. I keep hearing other people saying similar things about being guided to hold back no longer and to put themselves out there. The time has come to express ourselves. And this returns me to the words of my favorite poet:

I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable,I sound my barbaric YAWP over the roofs of the world~Walt Whitman

That then is truly what my blog is. This is my --

YAWP!

One Man's Sealing...

The other day I was cleaning my apartment (Yes. Though a rare occurrence, it does occasionally happen) and I discovered a little box that had gotten buried from when I first moved in here. It was literally buried treasure because when I opened it I found a number of things, special beads and pendants of mine that I hadn't seen for years, including the one pictured above.

This particular pendant, a gift from one of my globe-trotting little sisters, is a hand-carved scrimshaw pictograph on a piece of ancient walrus ivory, in the figure of a seal. Synchronistically there just happened to be a small plastic seal alongside it.

Anyway, this struck me as extremely significant, especially as I was getting ready to take part in another Ocean Healing Drumming Ceremony in acouple evenings. Normally I would have turned to one of my Animal Spirit Guides books to reference what seal might signify, but for some reason those didn't even enter my mind. For some reason I was drawn straight to my Druid Animal Oracle deck, a relatively new deck for me that I've barely begun to explore, but I got a distinct Celtic taste with the pendant rather than the Native American flavor that the Medicine Cards have (which is interesting seeing as the carving is done by an Eskimo on ivory from Siberia).

Upon looking it up in the guide book for the deck, this is what I read:

SEAL

RON

Love, Longing, Dilemma

This card calls to you from the seal-people of the sea. The Dan nan Ron --the song of the seals-- upsets and frightens many who hear it. Its mournful and human sound stirs the heart of the listener to the core. It is a call from the sea, from the Unconscious, from the depths. It calls to us from the waters of our birth, from our beginnings on earth, from our brothers and sisters in the animal realm who are closer to us than we dare imagine. We fear this call, because we feel we may be drowned, overwhelmed by our feelings. But do not let your intellect imprison your heart, as the human imprisons his selchie spouse -- the magical seal. Opening yourself to the promptings of the Unconscious, of the Feminine, of your dreams and longings will bring transformation, healing and love into your life.

This card suggests that you may have come to a time in your life when you are faced with a dilemma. Each way you turn could invoke risk and potential loss, and yet you know you must make a choice. The seal speaks of the longing of the heart, of true love, of a sense of humanity and goodness. In the end, these should be the determining factors in your choice. Although the seal may represent loneliness and separation, as the selchie imprisoned on dry land, remember that the time will come when she will be released and will act as a guide and companion through the watery realm of the emotions and the Otherworld.

Not that these kind of things should surprise me anymore, but this was exactly where I was at the time. Still am actually, although beginning to feel myself moving out of it.

For around a week now I have been feeling really heavy, and anxious and depressed, and one night I was talking to a friend about it and she introduced an idea that hadn't occurred to me. I realized I was grieving the Gulf Coast oil spill. "A call from the sea." I have been so focused on remaining hopeful, knowing there was a higher purpose to this mess, and trying to be a light to all the others that are grieving, that I forgot to allow myself to grieve. As I said, I have taken part in two Ocean Healing ceremonies, drumming on the beach in the sand around a fire into the night singing to the Earth Mother -- Both times being greeted by an eagle flying overhead. The first time I was sharing my energy of light and hope. And I still feel this way, that there are miracles a foot, that many more people are waking up, and that more people than ever are doing as we were in the ceremony -- working with the Earth and her Nature Spirits and Devas to restore harmony.

And I have watched this faith pay off in at least one instance where 'suddenly' Kevin Costner has, for years, been pouring his own money ($20 million) into a technology that filters oil from water, leaving the water coming out of the spout clean enough to drink. I think I heard that BP has ordered 30 some of these machines.

This is the way miracles work. Just the day before I heard about this, the whole scenario did not exist - at least in my world. It was not even a possibility. Yet, by keeping hope alive, trusting in the best and the highest good, tendrils of light reach out, backward and forward in time, creating a situation that demonstrates that same hope and faith. The past is as malleable as the future, and I have experienced enough of these miracles to know that each point in time has its own past, that may or may not correspond with the past of the moment before it.

Still it is necessary to grieve, for it is a horrible thing that happened, which has brought much destruction and death. And as my friend pointed out to me, with my connection to the animal kingdom, there is no way this whole situation could not be affecting me. And now, here is Seal calling from the seas, asking me to join in the mournful song. I recognize the fear of being overwhelmed and drowned by these feelings. Doubts and fears I thought were long gone where surfacing again and I did fear that I would be lost, that all the growth and progress I have made would be snuffed out.

So the second drumming ceremony was a bit more solemn for me. I didn't cry, which kind of surprised me, but I did feel myself releasing a lot of grief. I wore my seal pendant around my neck and thanked him for his help in plumbing the depths with me, guiding me through the dark waters and back to the surface again.

Another way that Seal seemed significant is that I couldn't think of a better power animal for someone on the shamanic path, particularly of Irish descent with the mythology of the selkies (or selchies as the book above spelled it). Selkies were faery beings who, while in the water were seals, but when they came ashore they shed their seal skin (which they then hid from sight because without it they couldn't return to the sea) and were seen (usually) as beautiful women. Many are the stories of some fisherman happening upon a selkie, stealing her seal skin, and forcing her to marry him. Even after falling in love and having children with the man, the call of the sea is so strong that, on the eventual and inevitable discovery of her skin once more, she returns home to the sea without looking back.

I don't have words to explain how fitting that feels to me, or how much that resonates -- constantly between the worlds; Living in one and longing for the other, trying to balance them both. Sounds pretty shamanic to me! And besides the selkies, seals are considered magickal on their own, largely because of their ability to disappear beneath the waves with hardly a ripple (incidentally a fact that adds to the argument that Nessy is a member of the seal family). They also are a reminder of playfulness, confidence and grace in their element, and good humor about their clumsiness outside of it.

I am grateful to Seal for swimming into my life because I see how much I have to learn from him. His timing is impeccable and I am ready to swim. My fate is sealed! ;)

Book excerpt from The Druid Animal Oracle copyright Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm

Pent Up

So, I went to the movies last week and, as I always do, I looked forward to the previews before the main feature. But as the screen lit up with the first one, my heart sank and all I could think was, "Oh no. Not again. Are we really still going there?!"


It was another one of those movies. Really?! Seriously?! But yes. There it was. Filling the entire screen. A 3-story tall inverted pentagram. Are we really still stoking those flames of fear and misrepresentation? Really?! Seriously?!


As you can tell, I can get a bit passionate about this, the misrepresentation of a religious symbol, a symbol of my religion, and the ensuing fear and conflict that results. What it boils down to is ignorance, as well as a concept I've learned from some AA friends -- Contempt Prior to Investigation. So the challenge, then, is one of knowledge and information, something I can perhaps, in small measure, help remedy here.


Okay. Pentagram 101 -- For Pagan religions and Witch Craft, the pentagram is a pretty universal symbol, the pentagram being a 5 pointed star, always pointing upwards, drawn within a circle. The actual meanings vary, but the most common I've found, and the way I see it, is each point represents one of the elements, Earth, Air, Fire, Water, Spirit. The circle that encloses the 5 is the unity and oneness of the elements (and in that way is synonymous with the top point representing Spirit). I also picture the pentagram representing a person, ala Leonardo Da Vinci, the top point being the head and the other points the corresponding arms and legs.


In both these examples, the idea is "Spirit Ascending." It is the seeking of ever higher truth. It is about wholeness, balance, and oneness.


And probably the most important point is that the upright pentagram of Paganism has nothing to do with the inverted pentagram of Satanism. Nothing! Paganism is a stand alone religion, which includes no (count them -- zero!) devils, and existed long before Christianity. Satanism is a direct reactionary opposition movement to the concepts of the Church. They are not the same thing!


It is sometimes hard for me to remember, because of where I live and the company I keep, that these false-hoods are still around. Thus the culture-shock for me when something like this appears. But I also believe things are changing and more people are learning tolerance, if not outright curiosity, about ways they don't understand.


As a personal example, one of the greatest compliments I've ever received was from a coworker. When he asked what I was doing for the weekend, I decided not to do the usual avoidance techniques and to tell him the truth. "I'm going to a psychic fair." He stopped and I could see him processing this, a slight look of concern on his face. He asked a question or two and I went on to explain some things, and somewhere along the line I believe I actually made the statement, "...some of my best friends are witches." "You're serious." "Uh huh." And as it sank in, he kind of shook his head and chuckled, saying something along the lines of, "I'd be afraid to mess with anything like that myself, but I know you. You're a very good person. So obviously these things must be alright too." For once someone was judging my interests and belief systems by who I am, not judging me by what they believed about what I am into.


So please, if you don't understand something about some one's beliefs or ways of life, rather than falling into assumptions, here say, or making things up, the better healthier road for everyone is to ask. In fact it is time to examine all assumptions, all the things we take for granted, all the things we've been taught about other people. I truly believe that people are basically good and I have found from experience that when you give them the benefit of the doubt, you will find that attitude rewarded. When you look for that Divine spark that unites us all, you can find it in everybody.

And remember --

...Yes. Yes, you probably do.

Poem and Banner copyright Silverhawthorn. Used by permission.

Checking In, Checking Out

The other night, after a relaxing evening of dog-sitting for a friend, I headed across the street to a grocery store to secure nourishment for the following day's lunch. I took my time because, shortly after I arrived they announced over the intercom that the cash registers were off line. So I browsed around, selected some things, put others back, mostly because of price and not because I didn't want them.

Finally I casually make my way to the very lengthy lines at the checkout, and just settle in for a long wait. Others weren't as patient as I was, abandoning their grocery items and huffily leaving the store. At least the line was moving a bit and I was getting closer. Soon I was 2nd in line, a perk of which was that there was something to lean against. I wasn't in a hurry and I needed my lunch stuff so I was okay, and I mused about trusting the way things unfold because there is always meaning behind what happens -- even off line cash registers.

As I continued to stand there, the thought occurred to me, "What if they give us all of this for free since their equipment wasn't working?" I looked around at all the people with all the food and realized, "Probably not going to happen." "Still," I thought, "If it were my store that's what I would do. Oh! How cool would it be to have enough money to just walk up and say to let everyone go with what they have and I would pick up the tab?"

I wasn't standing there for long, after that train of thoughts, when another employee came running up to my line's cashier with one of those hand-held thingys that reads UPC codes for inventory. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on, thinking maybe they were going to start checking people out by hand, until after completing a scan of the food of the fellow in front of me, the cashier looked at him and said, "Have a nice night!"

They were taking what we had out of inventory and letting us have it for free!

A part of me thought, "I could have gotten so much more!" But once that thought passed, I realized what a gift this was, and breathed a silent thank you. Thoughts of abundance and trusting the Universe and knowing I was taken care of, flowed through my mind with the warm glow of gratitude filling my heart. It was a small miracle, yes, worth all of $12, but it's the little ones that come together to form the background tapestry of our lives. My gratitude increased to include this lesson on top of the food.

I gathered my groceries together and was walking to my car when another point, another lesson, struck me. I had put a number of items back out of fear of lack of funds, but had I overridden that fear and decided I was worth the extra expense of having what I want, trusting in the abundance of the Universe rather than lack, it would have been mine now for free. It brought to mind the whole idea of reaching for what you want, not just what you think you are allowed, or think that you deserve. The Universe does give you what you want, not just what you need, if you believe -- if you know -- you deserve it.

I said another little prayer of thanks for this additional epiphany as I drove away enjoying the one extra little luxury I had allowed myself -- a milky way bar.

Toon Be or Not Toon Be

I was talking to my friend Kerry recently, and we were discussing creativity. I was struggling with being overwhelmed by all the things I was doing, and my ever-growing list of creative projects. I tend to get overcome by all the choices and options of things I want to do, the result being nothing gets done. The main thing I was feeling, though, was guilt over not keeping up with drawing my comics. As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a cartoonist. I don't know how old I was when I scrawled the following comic on my dad's letter head, but it is just some thing I have always done, who I've always been.

The thing that came out of our conversation was a reminder of the cycle of creativity and the importance of following those creative urges. In the same way that I'm learning to follow my intuitive nudgings, I need to learn to follow the energy of creativity in whatever direction it takes me. Since starting this blog, most of my creativity went into writing. I find myself sometimes driven to write. It is creative expression and it feeds me. At other times I may feel the call to do something else -- a new lyric or line may occur to me and I am compelled to write poetry for a while. Sometimes I just...

But whatever I am drawn to do (hee-hee!) is what I need to be doing at that moment. There is no one looking over my shoulder saying I have to do such-and-such, or that I'm on a time limit to get certain things done. There is no agenda, or destination. It is perfect in every moment, whatever it is.

The trickiest part is that guilty feeling, when the wheel of creativity turns away from cartooning, as it inevitably does, just like the cycle of Life and Rebirth, retreating to be reborn anew. My mind tells me, "You're so bad! You're a cartoonist! That's your true vocation! When was the last time you drew anything?"

Some of these periods last longer than others. Through high school and college, my cartooning went through quite a long dry period, as it became less and less supported by a well-meaning family. Fortunately, for Christmas when I was 18 I received a guitar, and for some reason music was more acceptable than visual arts, so my creativity was channeled into being a singer/songwriter with dreams of The Grand Ole Opry. It was this creative expression, I believe, that kept my cartooning alive, dormant though it may have been. And almost exactly 10 years after I had laid down my last half-finished epic comic, I one day just picked it up and finished drawing it. I finished it in a totally different way than I had started it, but the flood gates had opened!

Through out that period, though, I was still filled with guilt, feeling I'd turned my back on my true calling and that I really should start doing something about it. Just the fact that I felt that way is proof that that part of me hadn't died, and with more hind sight I can say that, to be the cartoonist I wanted to be and draw the kind of comics I wanted to draw, I had to go through all those experiences.

Which brings me back to that conversation. Even now, when my creativity is being expressed in ways other than my comics, I need to relax and allow that. I am a multi-faceted person with many outlets, and like every other part of my life, I need to trust, and know, that I am always in the right place at the right time, and that the Universe is unfolding as it should. I always have been, and always will be a cartoonist, first and foremost no matter what else is going on or what else I am doing. It is my natural state of being.

By the way, "Drawing Breath" is what I call my comic because it is basically my journal in comic form.

With that all said, I have felt a renewed surge in creativity, and the call to draw again is undeniable. As I get ever closer of returning to center, of becoming and expressing more and more of my authentic self in every other area of my life, I can not, and will not, resist the tug of the activity that is closest to my heart -- The one thing in this world that makes me feel whole and fulfilled.

And so I have set myself a task. I have renewed my commitment to working on my comics at least a little bit every single day, whether it's just working on thumbnail sketches or inking a page to completion. I did this back when I was married (when I didn't have a social life) and it was quite rewarding. It was amazing how it felt to get into the groove, and how quickly my work built upon itself, like the whole thousand mile journey being completed by one step at a time. I'd suddenly look back and see how much ground I'd covered without even knowing it. This current commitment will last for a year and a day, to be renegotiated with myself at that point as to whether I will continue or not. The cool thing is, now that I have a laptop and a trusty scanner, I can actually keep track of my progress every day, even if that progress is just adding a couple lines to a page I've already started drawing. I can not wait to see what I have at the end of that year and a day.

For now, since I haven't drawn anything today and it being almost 1am on a school night, I'd better end this entry and get drawing!

I am a cartoonist. It's who I am. It's what I do ~