A Taste of My Own Medicine

A little over a week ago I experienced a major disruption and challenge to my confidence in my shamanic abilities. My fiancé Valerie and I were on our way to do a house-clearing for a new realtor acquaintance who had a house for sale that had a particularly strange and troublesome energy to it. I did some prep work, journeying to my guides to see what I would need in order to help clear and heal the energy of this space. I received such instructions as burning Lavender and Jasmine along with the usual Sage, to fill the space which was neutralized and cleared by the Sage with Calm and Beauty. Synchronistically, 4 Sisters Holistic Remedies, my local Apothecary and location of my personal office, had just gotten Jasmine in that day. I was also instructed to get a bar of Selenite which I was to break by dropping it onto the front walkway and then bury the pieces in the various directions of the property. This and the fact that Valerie just happened to have with her her special wand that she uses for healing and clearing, seemed to me to say we had a go from the spirits.

We swung by 4 Sisters for our supplies, joking about how our Saturday Night Date Night consisted of a house clearing as I sang the Bay City Rollers' Saturday Night, then headed on toward our destination. We briefly stopped for some dinner which we ate in the car in the parking lot. I turned on the radio for a little Classical dinner music. When I went to start the car about twenty minutes later I was shocked to be met with a rapid succession of clicks. "What the...?!" That should not have been enough time to have drained the car battery. 

Not thinking too much about it we called a friend who was there in about another twenty minutes to jump start us a get us on our way. We texted the realtor letting her know what happened and that we were on our way again. "This house really doesn't want you to show up!" She replied. "Pffff!" I thought and carried on. 

It was about fifteen minutes later, after resisting the GPS's directions to get on the freeway, we were driving through a residential area. I was on a straightaway with a series of crossroads that all had stop signs for the crossing traffic. As I approached one crossroad I slowed down because there was a motorcycle approaching the corner and I wasn't totally convinced he was going to stop. He did. His partner who came roaring out of nowhere in the night did not. All I saw was the blur of a headlight as he crashed into the front panel of our car, totaling it in the process. Fortunately we were both alright and the motorcyclist, though in obvious excruciating pain, suffered only a broken femur. 

The rest of the evening was a disjointed blur of police, paramedics, bikers hating on us even as we were sending reiki to their injured brother, and somewhere in all of it, our realtor friend found us and escorted us home, telling us of some of the other weird, paranormal occurrences that had centered around this house - things that had I known I might have reconsidered or at least called in my friend Kelly of Haunted Healings who is more experienced in this specific area. 

Still the questions abounded in my mind. Was the dead battery a sign from my guides to stop and go home? Why didn't I recognize it as a sign and check in again at that point? Why did my guides give me such specific instructions if I weren't meant to go? Why didn't they just tell me I wasn't meant to do this clearing? Did I actually hear the instructions earlier or did I just make them up? Was the 'accident' my guides preventing me from going or was it malevolent spirits of the house threatening me? Should I even be doing this work? Am I too naïve? Not good enough? Just fooling myself with all this shaman stuff?  

Then I remember the Goddess Isis' direct words to me during the graduation ceremony for the two-year teacher training I spent with Sandra Ingerman: "Your confusion is just a distraction. Let it go and step into your power."

 

So, to move through the confusion and questioning, upon arriving at the local metaphysical store where I do readings every other Monday, I pulled cards for myself to gain better clarity on the events of the past couple days... 

 

The first thing I see in this Medicine Wheel spread before getting into the context of each card is a particular pattern - Three upright cards horizontally, indicating to me emotional (West) and mental (East) stability. The earth (North) and fire (South) being reversed, held by the stabilizing factor of East and West, like wings, suggests to me shifts and changes - A deepening of experience rather than something wrong that needs to be corrected. This point is accentuated by Boar's place in the center, being kind of the Sentinel of Initiation. 

Heron in the East represents self-reliance, stillness, and looking into one's shadow - Which is exactly what I'm doing by just pulling these cards. Like Heron, my feet are embedded in the earth, yet I confidently stand above the emotional waves (water) to discern meaning by gazing into my own shadow, which is what Heron does - the fish being drawn to the coolness of his shade then providing him with his nourishment. 

Grandmother Spider in the West reminds me to drop into my heart where I know all things are connected. Ironically, there are no accidents and every occurrence carries purpose and meaning. No matter how chaotic, this is not a random event and I am still at the center of my reality. It is up to me as Heron to unravel the seemingly tangled threads of Grandmother's web, to decipher the lesson and gift of the "accident."

Again, Boar at the center of these two adds an extra depth to all of this, but I will get to that in a bit.

Turkey, reversed in the South, the place of fire which is passion and action - Or in this case inaction - speaks of  "Following your bliss," as Joseph Campbell says. Turkey is known as the 'give away bird' emboding the principle that you must see to your own well-being in order to share and see to the well-being of others. Being reversed in the South reminds me that unless my heart is in something, unless I feel a spark drawing me forward, do not take action. It must feed me as well as whomever I am working with, or it benefits no one. Then I am just a martyr. If it is not a win-win, mutual benefit, non-zero sum experience, then it is not for me to do. If it does not call to me then there is someone else who will benefit more by stepping into that role. 

Black Panther reversed in the North (Earth) directly opposite Turkey, echoes her message of heart as the director of my path while adding a more adventurous note to the meaning. Remember you are the sovereign of your life, and do only those things that empower you. Life is not a pyramidic hierarchy but a circle, so whatever empowers you empowers the whole circle. Embrace the unknown, celebrate the mystery, ally yourself with the darkness as the creative force it is, being the cosmic womb wherein all possible and probable realities are conceived. Most of all let go of structures, expectations, and especially obligations which nullify your power and deaden your energy. If there is no heart in it for you, there will be no heart in it for anyone else. You are in new territory and there are no structures to guide you, especially the constructs that got you to this point. Put your faith in the unseen and trust your unfolding.  Your path is being created even as you walk it. Feel the exhilaration of that creative force and the excitement of making it up as you go along.

And finally, in the Center anchoring all of these together is Boar, with whom I have a pretty intimate relationship, always carrying a boar's tusk in my pocket as a way to honor my 'Body Protector' spirit guide who is a boar. Boar is perhaps the fiercest animal on the planet, so fierce that a tiger would rather turn tail and run the other way than chance to tangle with him. Because of this, in multiple indigenous cultures world wide, it is the killing of a wild boar which is the rite of passage to adulthood. As the aforementioned Goddess Isis once said, "If you knew you were going to survive then it wouldn't be an initiation." Boar is about facing your fears, particularly fear of death.

As we grow we have fears that exist around the perimeter of our reality, like the old medieval maps that designate that in certain areas "Here be Dragons" - Areas always on the very edge of explored territory. This is Boar's realm, and through those fears - such things as not crossing the street unless you're holding the hand of an adult - keep us safe, holding a space for us like a seed casing which allows us, as the inner part of the seed, to develop in an appropriate and protected area. In this way Boar is actually a Guardian. 

At some point the seed has to burst through that same seed casing if it's going to survive, and so it is with us in facing that barrier between the familiar of childhood and the unknown of adulthood. We have to face those fears and recognize them for what they are - artificial constructs - if we are going to grow and evolve. So we face Boar, who embodies our fear on the very edge of our comfort zones, and despite possibly shaking in our boots, we reclaim our personal power realizing that those fears have no power other than that which we give them, and, as we stand our ground, those fears become the seed of courage. And, like the illusions they are, those fears fade in the light of our truth. At this point Boar shifts from Guardian to Gate Keeper, making sure we have truly evolved with the necessary skill set and consciousness to move beyond the known into the unknown (Remember Black Panther from above?) before we are allowed to pass.

So this entire 'non-accident' was that initiation for me, passing from one comfortable realm to a more expansive unknown realm, and I can honestly say that I have grown from the experience. My trust in the Universe and my protection in it has deepened, along with my faith in the unfolding of my path and the miracles that support it. Everything from the speeds of the vehicles to the timing and positions where we collided, and everything that got us to that place in space and time was perfect for the outcome we experienced. Had anything been off by just a fraction of a second, the results could have been horrendously worse. The next day after the non-accident I received a text from a dear friend telling us she'd just bought a new car six months ago and had been holding onto her previous one, which was still in great shape, to give to someone who needed it. ...to GIVE to someone who needed it! Within a day, Valerie miraculously had a new car. And, if possible, she and I bonded even deeper with each other, facing a life threatening event together with a new sense of mutual love and support.

So my lesson is something that I am constantly telling others - Follow your passions. Do what brings you joy, what feeds and lights you up, and by so doing you benefit everyone around you. I need to focus my energies on doing just the things that call to me. Just because, as a Shaman, I can do things such as house and energy clearings, doesn't mean I have to, or should, do them. If I spread myself too thin out of a sense of duty or expectations, I unnecessarily expend energy, my energy, depleting and dispersing my reserves rather than tapping into the inexhaustible Universal flow of energy, which is that feeling of upliftment and excitement, that then carries me - And because I'm tapped into that Universal energy and allowing it to flow through me to heal the world, it also heals me. Win-win, non-zero sum, mutual well-being.  

A taste of my own Medicine.

Bear With Me

Lately I have noticed a certain pattern unfolding in my spiritual life and journeys. It actually started a while back but since then has seemed to have gained momentum as time progresses. One night, maybe a year and a half or so ago, during a Sacred Pipe ceremony I became aware of a great brown bear spirit sitting next to me. 

Now my connection with Bear goes way back, having been raised on television shows such as Gentle Ben and Grizzly Adams, and having actually seen a black bear come out of the Minnesota woods while camping with my family as a kid... 

"Hey Dad! Look at that big dog!"

"...That's ...not a dog."

And so here I was about a year and a half ago, performing a sacred pipe ceremony when I became aware of this large, brown bear sitting next to me in spirit. I hadn't been aware of any specific Bear spirit guides or totems, usually chalking up any appearance of bears in my experiences to the presence of Artemis, my Matron Goddess, whose personal totem is Bear, and whose actual name, at least the "Art" part, means "Bear." This time seemed different, though, so I had to ask who she was and why she had appeared. "I am a totem - not personally yours but inherited from your ancestors." I hadn't really ever thought about hereditary totems before, totems being passed down through the generations, but that made sense. Not only are our ancestors literally present in our very blood, but also the accompanying totem animals that guided the clans and tribes of our grandmothers and grandfathers. For as long as I have been on this spiritual path, I still get as giddy as a school boy when I get to learn new things!

Then about nine months ago, after pretty much forgetting about her, during another pipe ceremony, I suddenly saw the huge top view of a bear head filling my inner vision. Again I asked who she was and why she had come. "You called me. I am your Grand Mother -- The grandmother of your grandmothers." It took me a minute to remember that I had actually called to her in the previous months, wanting to know my ancestor's ancestors and my grandmothers' grandmother, then instantly feeling embarrassed thinking about how vast the roots of my family tree were and wondering how there could be only one grandmother. "Duh!" Bear was THE Grand Mother. She was the first Great Mother Goddess worshipped by humanity, as evidenced by her skull and bones buried along with the humans in the oldest known burial graves. My conversation with her is still ongoing, which, translated, means I keep asking for more information and she keeps telling me to rest. I drew a comic about our initial meeting that you can read on my Drawing Breath Comic blog. 

In a previous post in this blog (Bearing It Well) I spoke about my experiences with the great Ponca chief, Standing Bear, how he replaced Siting Bull as one of my guides and how he has worked with me, so I won't recount that here. Suffice it to say he has helped me to regain my bearings (teehee!).

This past August I was doing pipe ceremony on the river with my fiance, Valerie, when another Native American chief appeared to me. I wasn't sure if he were a local Ancestor of the Land or from somewhere else, but his first words to me were, "You do us proud." I asked who he was and I got the name "Skinny Bear" with the sense that "skinny" was meant as in starving. As I drove home Valerie googled him and couldn't find anything about a Skinny Bear, but interestingly there was a "Lean Bear" who was also sometimes known as "Starving Bear." This Lean Bear was a Cheyenne Peace Chief in the 1860s and a member of the Council of  Forty-four, which was a tribal council devoted to maintaining peace with the encroaching white settlers. 

I returned to the river that evening to smoke with Lean Bear, to reconnect with him and basically find out if he were showing up as a guide for me or just stopping by. He replied that he had come to work with me because of the resonance between us as peaceful warriors, and to help me as a negotiator of Peace between seemingly opposing peoples. I saw in this too, along with his first words to me, a hint of my path in the near future - a path that had recently come to light through the guidance of a dear shaman friend, but which I will await another time and post to elaborate on. He did, however, further validate that path at our next meeting.

At the little beach on the river where I'd been doing my pipe ceremonies, I kept getting a vision of a stone Medicine Wheel there. Finally I just went ahead, collected all the necessary river stones, and laid out a small medicine wheel in the sand. Once I completed it and smoked at it, Lean Bear came through and thanked me for following through on the vision I'd been given, saying that these traditions are meant for all people. Those that hold to the specific traditions are not wrong, but neither are they totally right. Traditions are meant to change, evolve, and expand. They are to be shared. When clung to exclusively, for the sake of the tradition, the value of the individual person suffers. The traditions and objects, such as the Medicine Wheel, are filters or lenses through which to connect to the Divine with the human heart. The power is in each individual, not the tradition or object. The point is to move into the awareness of being one people, one tribe. The ways should be shared and taught to bring people together rather than another excuse for separation and division. Then he thanked me for being part of that healing force by respecting and honoring the old ways at the same time I adapt them to fit today's people.  

Through all of this my focus has been on being the bridge of peace and unity between people and things in the outside world. So in the last couple weeks Lean Bear came to me to help me focus on settling my inner battles and becoming a united front within myself. This is still an ongoing process but I have been making great strides which have reflected in my inner and outer worlds significantly. 

It just fascinates me, the patterns that unfold and the threads that flow and intertwine through my life, particularly when it involves an animal, and I am able to at least partially decode some of the underlying currents of influence that run beneath the surface, breaching into the light of day in form or name, and then submerging deep until the next appropriate moment to resurface. Bear is one of those influencers on my unfolding path, and I am so grateful to finally be able to recognize and appreciate her for all she does for me - My dear Grand Mother!

Service Animal Spirit Guidance For The Changing World

I put together a list of 13 Animal Spirit Guides and how they can help us through this time of the pandemic as the world turns topsy-turvy. It is not a complete list by any means of the spiritual guidance, animal and otherwise, out there to help us thrive in these changing times, but these are a few of the ones I've personally worked with that have helped me, and who had specific attributes to face things that people are experiencing at this time. They can help steady our shaky steps and smooth the bumpy ride into a new reality.  

Call upon them as you would a friend or a loved one. Find a place and time when you can sit in silence. Imagine yourself surrounded by white light. Call in one, or more, of the appropriate guides and ask them for their strength and their wisdom. You can ask specific questions such as, "What is my next step to get through this?" or "Can you show me this situation from your perspective?" You may receive words, or images, or feelings. You may also notice nothing, but trust that you have been heard and help is on the way. Perhaps they will answer your questions in a dream or a in sudden flash of inspiration when the timing is right. Thank your Animal Spirit Guides for their help, imagine the white light dispersing, then return fully to your body and continue with your day, knowing that what you need will unfold in the coming days.

You can also simply call on them as you feel the need through out your day when you start to feel wobbly or in doubt. They are here to serve and guide us, and their method is always Love.

SNAKE: Shedding the Old. You are literally outgrowing your old reality. As snake sheds his skin, we are shedding the ways of life that no longer fit or support us. The old world is ripping to shreds, leaving us uncomfortably itchy and unsupported, and the new world has not solidified, like the soft and tender new skin. You are more sensitive right now, so nurture yourself. Know that the old skin would not be falling apart if the new skin were not pushing through to replace it even bigger and better than before. Also, while shedding Snake is blind, his eyes being part of the old skin. This is a time of retreating, nurturing, and building faith, knowing there are no accidents and that there is purpose to all of this. 

VULTURE: Sterilization. Clean up your space and your mind. Let Vulture consume what is dead and decaying in your life, the clutter of things and thoughts that support dis-ease in your life and prevent you from moving into your power and best life. Vulture sterilizes the environment to make it safe for other life to thrive. Raise your wings to the Sun and let what is toxic in your life be burned away by the light of Truth of who you truly are. All is well in your world.

BAT: Rebirth/Initiation. When the world turns upside down, it's time to shift perspectives. Cling to the ceiling of the cave rather than the floor in order see things differently, and in ways you never imagined. Know that no matter how scary, there is purpose in every change. Use this time in darkness and stillness to see with more than your eyes. Reach out with your feelings and intuition and trust what you receive from your non-physical senses. The cave is the womb of the Cosmic Mother. You are about to be reborn.

BUTTERFLY: Transformation. We are crossing a threshold where life will never be the same. Scary, right? But if you as Caterpillar knew you were destined to become more than you are now, to be given wings to fly rather than being stuck to a single branch, to become Butterfly, would you be afraid? Right now you are in the cocoon. As Caterpillar you are being broken down into genetic soup and your very DNA rearranged. There is nothing solid to hold onto, including your very identity and essence. Surrender to the process. There is purpose and you are meant for greater things. Don't be afraid. You were born for this.

DUCK: Calm. When the currents get too rough, fly to calmer waters. Float above the waters, the emotions, by finding those activities, or inactivities, that help you feel calm and centered. Take a break from the world, from the news, from the things that hold you down and unable to breathe, and nurture yourself. When you know you can swim, and naturally float on the water, none of the emotional turbulence can hold you down or overwhelm you. You can let it all roll off your back. 

TASMANIAN DEVIL: Appropriate Aggression. There is nothing in this world that can stand in the way of your purpose here on earth. Nothing. Even if you are sick, Tasmanian Devil can help you find the will to live, the will to heal, the will to break down any obstacles that stand between you and your purpose. It is various unrecognized and unfelt emotions such as anger and fear that can stand in the way of your health and well-being, and Tasmanian Devil can help swirl those into a tornado, utilizing their power constructively to burst through anything holding you back from living your best life.

FROG: Cleanse. Take a salt bath. Nurture yourself and release anything from your life that is toxic. Take a shower and as the waters rush over you, allow them to not only wash away the physical grime, but the emotional and mental grime that keeps you feeling small and worthless. Consciously introduce those things into your life and environment that feed you, nourish you, and make you feel whole and centered. Any thoughts and fears that make you feel small or worthless are intrinsically untrue. Practice through affirmations replacing those toxic, belittling thoughts with thoughts and words that validate and reinforce the Divine Being you truly are. By thus becoming your purer self you clear your channel to Spirit, and open your voice to be added to the chorus of the world.

BLUE HERON: Self Reflection. This time of stillness is a gift. Rise like Heron over the waters of emotion, and look at yourself. It is the coolness of his shadow that draws the fish to him, so it is by looking at his reflection that Heron is able to feed himself. If you are flopping around in the water you are stirring up the mud and scaring the fish. Let Heron lift you on his long legs above the waters, your stillness allowing the waters to still and clear, and give you the perspective to observe yourself without judgement or attachment, giving yourself the power to move on and change, and to find those tidbits that only make you stronger.  Be still and observe. Sit with your feelings and allow them to abate. You are a Divine Being, part of the same source energy as everyone and everything else. There is nothing in your shadow to fear.

DOLPHIN: Breathe. Like Dolphin you are a creature of two worlds -- Think of Air as Spirit and Water as the World. It is the air/spirit inside of you that allows you to swim the the water/world, so use this time where things are shut down on the outside and venture into your inside. Explore meditation. Find your rhythm of surfacing into Spirit, taking a deep breath, then diving again, allowing that spirit to infuse you as you navigate the depths of this world. You might find yourself smiling more, and you may approach things more playfully. Breathe. Trust the ebb and flow.

COYOTE: Laugh/Play.  In times such as these, humor is especially vital. Constant fear and anxiety take their toll on your system and laughter reverses all those effects. It brings fresh, restorative energy to you, body and soul, and a place of renewed mental clarity with which to better access your circumstances and move forward effectively. Look at things through the eyes of your inner child. Find ways to play. Turn even your challenges into a game and you might find new and creative ways to remedy them. Find things to laugh about. If you don't, Coyote will bound after you, nipping at your ankles, possibly even tripping you up, to make you pause and laugh at yourself.

PELICAN: Resilience. Joy is your natural state of being. Love is who you are. You are intrinsically a high frequency being. Your spirit is buoyant and, like Pelican, no matter how deep you dive into the world, you will always rise back to the surface. Your soul is like a beach ball. It actually takes energy and effort to hold it down because it's natural inclination is to ascend. It is when we relinquish control and let go of the things that hold us down - our thoughts and worries and fears - that we naturally rise above it all. Surrender to who you truly are. Know that you are already whole. You are an eternal being in an impermanent world. This too shall pass..

BLACK PANTHER: Embrace the Unknown. The dark is but the womb of the Cosmic Mother. In the dark all possible realities exist and the Universe is waiting for you to make a decision on what future you desire. With hear dark, shimmering coat Black Panther is the reflection of the night sky - the microcosm of the macrocosm. As above, so below. Set your intention of the reality you wish to create then move confidently in that direction knowing that the Universe has your back and reflects your desires. It is a great hologram where every piece contains the whole, so within you exists the entire universe. The answers are literally within you. There is nothing in the dark to fear.

OWL: Seeing with the Heart. There is a reason Athena, the Goddess of Justice, has Owl as her totem. Owl's eyesight is as good as Eagle's, but she sees in the dark. Owl brings the ability to see with the heart and cut through the smoke and mirror illusions of this world. She can help navigate through the unknown and the uncertainties of the world, aiding in connecting with your own heart to see the rampant fears and anxieties for the illusions they are. Even when everything is dark around you, she will guide you from love rather than fear. And she is fierce, a winged-tiger. Be bold. Trust your heart. 

Grand Ole Osprey

I’ve been doing a weekly post on my Facebook page for years now that I call Totem Tuesday. Each week I put up an original drawing of my own of an animal along with an explanation of that animal’s ‘medicine’, which is the powerful gift or lesson that animal brings to our lives to help us grow. 

Normally it can seem rather random as I try to come up with animals I haven’t featured yet and balance the appearances of various classes - mammals, birds, fish, reptiles, insects, etc - so as to represent a wider range of animals and expand people’s understanding about how EVERY species has a place and a purpose to which we are all connected. We are all related. Mitakuye Oyasin - The Native American phrase which means “All My Relations.” 

This year, however, I have noticed a lot less randomness as almost every animal has volunteered to come forward by repeated appearances in my own life, and their particular medicine has been precisely what I needed or what I was experiencing at the time, and usually they have not been animal guides I’ve experienced working with before - Tasmanian Devil, Narwhal, Slow Loris, and Whale Shark to name a few. But the one that has gotten a lot of my attention and has been working steadily with me is Osprey. 

This is the original post from my Facebook page:

*TOTEM TUESDAY*

OSPREY is a hawk that is HIGHLY SPECIALIZED to fish. She has long, sharp fishhook talons, textured feet for a better grip on slippery scales, and closable nostrils to name a few adaptions. Her message here is that you came into life with SPECIAL STRENGTHS AND CAPABILITIES to carry out your unique life purpose. These talents and abilities are natural and an integral part of you, and are custom-made to lead you toward that which nourishes and feeds you most. But to use these things, like Osprey, you may need to REACH OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONES. Venturing into territory that other birds of prey, including Fish Eagles, won't, Osprey is the only raptor that dives into the water. She TAKES THE RISK of doing so so that she can KEEP HER EYE ON HER PREY even as she enters the water. With Osprey as your ally, there is nothing you can not achieve once you have locked on to it. FOCUS and CONCENTRATION are a couple of her greatest gifts, as well as an ACTIVE SEEKING OF ONE'S PASSION, and a FEARLESSNESS to enter unknown territory to do so. Osprey does not wait for things to fall in her lap. She makes things happen. 

Osprey's nest is a large mass of grasses and sticks built with a clear view of the fishing grounds. Not only does this make her a SENTINEL, aware of everything around her from her clear vantage point, but Osprey has also become a BEACON and a GUIDE for fishing boats who use her nests as navigational landmarks.

Also there is an aspect of INTEGRITY with Osprey. Whereas the noble Eagle sometimes scavenges and steals Osprey's catches, Osprey is SELF-SUFFICIENT, relying on her own skills and abilities to care for herself. It is her own CONFIDENCE and ADEPTNESS that allows her to decide her own fate, and with a sense of POWER and MAJESTY that is self-evident without the need to boast.

So find that one thing that feeds your soul, and dive into it wholeheartedly no matter where it takes you. From your vantage point the future is yours. Set your vision and go for it. Let Osprey guide you and nothing can get in your way! 

Osprey’s medicine really resonated with me, especially with having decided that this is my year of deepening my path. After I posted this I realized that what Osprey medicine is really about is Dedication. Everything is dedicated to one purpose, customized to contribute to her goals with nothing extraneous. Dedication is focusing on one thing and releasing everything else. In a way it's like using the Law of Attraction -- You continuously affirm and focus on what you want, not giving time and energy to what you don't because 'Where consciousness goes, energy flows." Everything serves her singular purpose.

This brought to mind an experience from Sandra Ingerman's Teacher Training. We were to journey to one of our helping spirits and ask what it was that we needed to release in order to move forward on our healing/teaching path. As I slid into the spirit realms on the hoof beats of the wind-horse drum, Mike, my dragon guide loomed above me. Before I could even fully ask the question, Mike let loose with a barrage of fire, and I saw the word 'OBLIGATIONS' before me engulfed in flame and burning to ash.

I have a tendency to spread myself thin with obligations, whether with other people or organizations, which of itself is not a bad thing except when doing so saps and drains the energy from one's own medicine and purpose, especially when they are done out of guilt or outside expectations and duties. I have a specific purpose and path I came her to fulfill and, no matter how much good I may have been doing through other groups,etc, it is nothing compared to what I can do if I consolidate my energy and direct it to that singular purpose and destiny.

I also realized as I began to concentrate on deepening my path this year, that besides committing to exterior groups and people, I've also always looked for some exterior spiritual way, ideal, or deity to dedicate my life to in order to give my life meaning and purpose. The big news is that my life already has purpose; That I am already part and parcel of Source Energy, so dedication to anyone or anything else is still, however subtly, a dispersion of essential energy without which critical mass of purpose fulfillment can never be reached. There is no higher obligation or dedication than that too my own inner calling and guidance.

And so I began withdrawing my energy from various groups, and at the same time I became consciously mindful of where and to whom I promised my time and energy. If I am to do what I came here to do in this lifetime, I have to let go of those things that don't serve that purpose. I need to pay attention to the inner ebb and flow of my energy and feelings, letting that be my compass and final counsel on whether I act rather than the guilt and 'shoulds' of outer expectations. Enter Osprey as my perfect model and teacher of dedication - Dedication to myself and my path.

In an ironic twist, after thinking I had 'gotten' Osprey's medicine and how it worked toward deepening my path, I discovered I was still just skimming the surface of the meaning. While journeying for a student recently, Hortance, my shape shifting Owl/Toltec guide who helps me with teaching, mentioned, almost casually, my working with Osprey medicine, saying, "What you haven't grasped yet is that Osprey's dedication is not to the Fish. It is to the fishing."

In other words, it really is about the Journey and not the Destination. It is the continuous process of writing, drawing, and exploring, that brings joy to my heart and the feeling of better alignment with my True Self that is the point.  It is the doing and the creating of my various, seemingly countless,  projects that is the important part, not in the finishing. Of course, if I never finished anything my creativity would starve and my soul would wither, like the Osprey with out the fish. The fish is important for my continued survival and nourishment, but it is just the external indicator of how clear and aligned I am.

In other words, as my favorite Zen teacher, Alan Watts says, "When we make music we don't do it in order to reach a certain point, such as the end of the composition. If that were the purpose of music then obviously the fastest players would be the best. Also, when we are dancing we are not aiming to arrive at a particular place on the floor as in a journey. When we dance, the journey itself is the point, as when we play music the playing itself is the point."   

"...the journey itself is the point..."

My life is my music and my path is my dance.

Embrace Leopard, Return to Mountain

Actually the original phrase this post is named after is "Embrace Tiger, Return to Mountain."  It is the name of a set of Tai Chi moves, and there seems to be a lot of debate over the meaning of the phrase.  The one that resonates with me, though, is one where the "Embrace Tiger" part refers to the claiming of one's power -- gathering and owning of every bit of your power no matter how wild, scattered, misunderstood, light, or shadow.  In other words it is integration. In Chinese Mythology the gods are shown riding tigers, but for a mortal to do so shows a willingness to face difficult powers, situations, and challenges.  In fact part of Embracing Tiger means you are facing the tiger.  Tigers will generally not attack from the front, but prefer to sneak up behind their prey.  For this reason many people in tiger territory wear masks on the back of their heads to keep tigers from attacking from the rear. So to Embrace Tiger you have to turn around to face whatever it is that is hunting you, your personal demons, and embrace, accept, love them.  Once you have done so you can "Return to Mountain." Return to stillness, source, home. 

Embracing one's own power and returning home.  I can not tell you how appropriate this is in representing where I am on my path right now.  

So in my version, how did Tiger shift into Leopard?  A few weeks ago, in the weekly "Totem Tuesday" post on my Perching Wolf Studios Facebook page, I covered Snow Leopard.  I have worked with Snow Leopard for years so already have a close relationship with him, but in the process of looking deeper into his medicine, I read some things that resonated with me, particularly something that spoke of  "the two-legged beside whom Snow Leopard walks." Holy crap that's me!  I realized I had the perfect guide to the higher realms as I set out on an inner journey of self-discovery.  

It's interesting that one aspect of Snow Leopard's medicine is about integration, as above, and always returning to the light.  Another interesting thing I discovered when researching the original phrase is that there are some who claim the translation of the aforementioned phrase from Chinese is Leopard rather than Embrace.  And there is Indian folklore of a big cat that is a cross between Leopard and Tiger that they call a 'Dogla.'  But that's another tangent which may or may not play into this journey of mine... 

So, fully cognizant of the beginning of a new Hero's Journey, I officially asked Snow Leopard to be my guide.  As I've noticed with other journey's beginnings, though I am filled with wonder and excitement about what I will uncover and find, there is also a certain amount of resistance, and downright dread that undermines the excitement.  These past couple weeks, rather than an increase in power I have felt doubtful, self-judgmental, and scared, asking myself if I'm sure I'm not crazy.  Rather than clarity, my head has been filled with a tired fuzziness.  It's been all I can do sometimes to just get out of bed in the morning and get to my day job.   

The other night I went to sleep on my couch, as I sometimes do when I'm feeling lost and/or lonely. Being able to snuggle into two soft, cushy surfaces makes me feel more secure, like being held.  As I was falling asleep, I asked Nathaniel to come watch over me while I slept. He was there instantly, and I actually shed a few tears in relief. I nuzzled in to the back of the couch which had become his side, the pillow was his shoulder, and then I felt him arch his neck around so his head rested, in turn, on my side. 

I slept exceptionally well, my habitual defenses retracted and relaxed knowing someone else was on guard. And so it wasn't until I began to rouse toward morning that awareness dawned on me of the presence of another guardian who had slipped between the veils of the night to join my stalwart, ungulate companion on watch. 

I felt and saw the cat though my back was toward where he lounged, casually licking the pads of an enormous paw. He stopped and looked up, realizing I'd sensed him, then pausing just long enough to cast a penetrating stare, he returned to cleaning his pads. The strange thing is that it was like he couldn't settle on which big cat he wanted to be. Oh, the majority of his time was spent as a snow leopard, but every so often the features of a white tiger superimposed themselves briefly over the snowy face.  

When I fully awoke I realized Snow Leopard had answered my request, though I'm still looking forward to finding out more about the Leopard/Tiger connection.  And it was this experience that spurred on the research into this post's title phrase.  Since that night I have been aware of Snow Leopard following me around my day job, not so much hearing as feeling his huge paws plodding on the concrete warehouse floor behind me, kind of like feeling the boom of a canon. 

At the beginning of this year I declared it my personal Year of Blazing Trails, and I have noticed when I make such declarations that it is generally not until the Autumn of that year that I start to notice the effects. So here I am in the tenth month of the year setting out to blaze trails, to explore, and to discover my undiscovered countries.

In The Footsteps of the Master

In the recent 5-day shamanic workshop I attended in Santa Fe, our teacher, Sandra Ingerman, was talking about how the Universe is always talking to us, and it's really up to us to recognize and interpret the signs and omens presented to us.  It may be as simple as a particular bird or animal crossing your path, or the snippet of an overheard conversation.  But whatever your question, the answers are all around you, and the Universe attempts to communicate them to you in meaningful ways.  I believe it was just before lunch she was telling us this, and as we broke to eat, our assignment was to ask a question and then to expect and to look for an answer. 

At the soul retrieval workshop I'd taken with Sandra acouple months ago, I'd learned that she has a two year Teacher's Training program.  Immediately I felt excitement and a pull in that direction, but for the intervening time between that workshop and this one, whenever I asked my guides if I should sign up for it, my answer has been, "One step at a time. Just get through the next workshop..." etc. So here I was at the next workshop and a lot of people were talking about teacher training, and a lot of people had already been accepted into the program.  "Okay guys! I think I need an answer here! Is it for the highest good for me to take this teacher training?"

I went to lunch, a little disappointed that some of the faery folk who abounded in this magickal place didn't jump out of the bushes yelling "Yes!! Do it!! We want to see you again ion April!!"  Oh well.  I kept my eyes and heart open as I wound down and processed all the info and experience from the morning's class.  I wandered back up to the class room a bit early, thinking that maybe I'd take a short nap in my spot and that way not have to worry about oversleeping into class time.  As I walked into the building, there at my feet, inexplicably to me as to how it got there and pretty sure I hadn't seen it before, was a paw print, dug into the solid tile floor. A wolf's pawprint.

It's not like it was a solid concrete floor where some animal could have stepped into it before it had dried.  And it wasn't a decorative tile where there was a theme with other decorative tiles around it. It was absolutely on it's own.  Besides that, had it been cut there by a professional craftsman, it would most likely have been more 'perfect'. This print was perfectly imperfect.  There may be a totally logical way it got there, but I can't even guess at how.  And besides that, the 'how' isn't important -- that just adds to the juicy mystery of the miracle.

The significance is simply in it's presence, and the fact that it is a wolf paw.  Wolf, aside from being my Totem animal, carries the medicine and symbology of the Teacher.  Whether male or female, Wolf gets its energy and power from the Moon, the intuitive Feminine side of its soul -- a trait of the greatest teachers, rolling with the flow of what needs to be illuminated and putting the importance that things are seen clearly rather than following to the letter some syllabus or schedule.  And every wolf pack has its scouts that venture forth into unknown territory to bring back to the pack what they've learned from their own experience.  This is the essence and embodiment of the teacher.   

The fact also that the print was pointing into the heart of our class room rather than away from it seemed highly symbolic.  A clear enough sign to me, as if Wolf were standing there in person, ushering me into the room and whispering, "You're on the right path. Follow my footsteps. This way..."

So to my hidden faery folk friends, including the little guy with the long tail who climbed up into my closet the first night, I will see you in April!

Food For The Soul

It is so interesting how things shift, balance out, and play against each other. The very next day after that last post about being so grateful for finding my way, feeling like I know what I'm doing, and being on top of my world, I had the opportunity to examine the direct opposite.

It was my first night doing readings at a book store/coffee shop/music lounge in Redmond, and I was actually more nervous than I expected to be. The day had been a blur of Mercury retrograde miscommunication and near misses, so by the time I got to the store I was pretty ungrounded, shaky, and anxious -- probably not the best state to be in for readings. I went to the coffee counter to get a chai, and the barista dude excitedly told me about his experiences with Medicine Cards -- using them to find his 9 different animal totems (one for each of the 7 directions and one for walking along each side) -- and I shrunk a bit. I purposely don't do that kind of thing with the cards, preferring contact with some one's animal guides be more personal, either through my contacting them and relaying info or, more preferably, guiding someone through a meditation to meet them in a one-on-one situation. My main goal is empowerment of the other person, and the closer connection I can facilitate between human and guide the happier I am.

So I returned to my reading table, feeling even more ungrounded under the pressure of new expectations on me, like I was supposed to know/do something different than what I knew or was doing -- like I was faking it. And I couldn't shake the strange vibe I was getting. It just didn't feel like the same shop that I had been to before, and just recently too when I met with one of the owners to arrange my readings there. Of course I assumed it was me.

I did have one woman come up and show interest because she had read my blog after seeing the info in the store's calendar. My first reaction, though I didn't show it, was "Holy crap! Someone else is reading my blog! Yay!" Quickly followed by my next reaction, "Holy crap! Someone else is reading my blog! Oh crap!" So as I tried to explain the Medicine Cards to someone who had never heard of them before, while still feeling ungrounded and uncertain of myself, I felt another layer of expectations pushing down on me -- Now that I was officially in the public's eye with strangers reading my blog who and how am I expected to be? Am I suddenly a leader or an expert because I'm being read? Am I going to fail because I'm not what people expect? -- Not that she was thinking or expecting anything of the kind. This was all just in my own head -- Shadows of old patterns rising to the surface to be dealt with.

She eventually passed, after first agreeing, because I had no way to take a credit card. After she left I found myself feeling like crap, especially as more and more people were arriving and walking right past me. All those old thoughts of being a failure and 'just who do I think I am anyway?' bounced around between my ears. And this was just one day after I'd had that magnificent experience with the reading in Issaquah!

As it turns out, my first night there was not a normal night at all. The band playing that night was a very popular local band that has a huge cult following. I think this is the vibe I picked up on because the place was eventually packed with people who came only to see the band and nothing else. I sat in the corner and watched everyone zip by, on their way to get as close to the stage as possible, without even noticing me. Apparently not the normal state of affairs there.

As the band started up, and I began to get a bit more grounded from eating something along with the chai, I was able to examine more realistically those thoughts. This had nothing to do with me. It was totally the circumstances and had nothing to do with me or my skills. I was there, free of charge, getting to listen to a band I had heard about but not really ever gotten to listen to, drinking a couple of complimentary chais, and getting unexpectedly reacquainted with an old friend I hadn't talked to in a very long time. All positives. Plus, the drastic changes I expected at my day job never materialized (Yes, I know. I promised a post about that. Coming soon...) so I wasn't in desperate need of money. For all that it wasn't a bad night.

So I finally relaxed into the evening, standing in my corner listening to the band and watching people, knowing that even if I didn't make any money, I was suppose to be there for some reason, even if it was just to be seen by people and to become a familiarity there.

Then I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye, and turned to see a young girl surveying the cards that I had laid out on the table in an effort to entice people over to inquire about them. "Ah!" I thought, "That must be one of the reasons now..." I picked up the deck and told her to pick a card, then sat down with her as I explained what that animal meant. Her eyes went wide and she started looking at the cards on the table asking what each one meant. Pretty soon she had the whole deck in her hands, flipping over one card at a time, and asking what each meant in turn. Ah! Flash cards! The Universe was giving me a pop quiz!

The girl's sister joined us just before the deck ran out, and she started asking questions of her own and clarifying what I was saying. I did a little 3 card reading for her, and felt the wheels turning in her as she digested what I told her. And the younger girl just kept looking up at me all intent, and asked, "How do you remember all of them?" "Well, I've been studying animals all my life, and when you know about their place in the eco-system and their habits, you can see how that relates to what's happening in people's lives." "Oooh!" She replied as I could see the lights go on. She lingered for a long time just looking at the pictures on the cards, and over the next few hours she wandered back a number of times to look at and handle the cards. I could almost hear the spirit animals calling her. I could definitely feel it. Could practically cut it with a knife.

I realized that making no money that night was a small price to pay if I was able to help fan the spark of shamanism in a little girl's heart. Maybe one day down the line she will do a reading for me. That would be priceless!

Wolf Feathers

art and parcel of my spiritual path, Wolf has always been present. At least as far as I can remember. Even as a kid I remember, when starting cub scouts, I was unbelievably disappointed because I had signed up late and so had to begin as a bear cub rather than a wolf cub like most kids.

At the same time, I never felt comfortable saying Wolf was my totem because I had read Black Elk Speaks, and as much of Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee as I could stomach before having to put it down, and so had become pretty sensitive to people claiming things from other cultures that weren't theirs to claim. Still, one night in the early 90s I had a dream that convinced me that, indeed, Wolf is my totem --

I found myself running along the bottom of a dry river bed lined, almost to the point of being tiled, with large river stones. I was in a panic because the wolves were chasing me, and even though I couldn't see them I knew they were behind me. Finally I scrambled up the bank of the river bed and climbed up into a tree. I settled on a branch some distance off the ground and leaning my back against the trunk, closed my eyes and released a sigh of relief. Phew! I was safe!

This feeling was short-lived as, with eyes still shut, I felt the branch I was on bend beneath me, under another's weight. Gulp! I slowly opened my eyes to find a wolf sitting on a fork of my branch, not even a yard away from me. Before I even had time to panic I heard his words float into my mind: "Do not fear. We are always with you ."

...So, yeah, that seemed pretty significant. Definitely not a typical dream, and I had to admit to having been chosen by Wolf. It is from this dream that I took my 1st magickal name: Perching Wolf.

As this dream or vision settled in and made itself comfortable in my personal mythology, I officially joined the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism -- a medieval recreation group) and, as is one of the first things you do in the group, I started designing my device, or coat of arms. My medieval name is "Lovell", which means "Little Wolf." Technically, though used for humans, it was more common as a dog's name, making me want to adopt "We named the dog..." (an obscure reference to Indiana Jones) translated into Latin as my personal motto. And so of course my device had to feature a wolf, but it had to be distinguishable from other wolves. It had to be my wolf.

I reached further back in my experience to when reading Living In The Light by Shakti Gawain and doing some of the suggested meditations at the end of the chapters. Back then, though new to meditation, etc, I had met a wolf during guidance to meet your inner male. He was black, with green eyes, and he said his name was Yammas (which I still find interesting in it's closeness to the word "Lammas" -- one of the Pagan holidays that celebrates the Divine Masculine).

So my SCA wolf would be black (with green eyes although that couldn't be part of the blazon, or description, of the device), but there had to be more to set him apart... Wings!! How else would a wolf have gotten into a tree with me? And so my black winged wolf became my device --

And so, that is how my wolf got his wings, and the Corvus Lupus was born. And as I learned more about my Totem, and began to identify with Wolf -- to the point of discovering my 'inner puppy' -- he, or actually I in his form, began to show up in my comics...

The winged-wolf continues to deepen and expand into the landscape of my personal mythology. In a shamanic journey I was recently shown the palace/temple of the 'Wolf King,' before which, standing guardian, is a 3-story tall statue of a winged-wolf -- so it has definitely become deeply engrained as part of my subconscious psyche. And that is so exciting because as I grow, so does he. He is a living vital thing, just like me.