Omega and Alpha

It was about 12 years ago that I began The Golden Thread Road blog, immediately following a Vision Quest in the course of which White Buffalo Calf Woman made her self known to me and began guiding me in ways that I'm only now beginning to understand. I've been telling people recently that it's like my life is like the Harry Potter series (the movies for me as I bashfully admit to not having read the books). At the so called "beginning" of this shamanic path, shortly after my divorce around 15 years ago, everything was brand new with a seemingly random novelty to them...

...My main Power Animal spirit guide is one of Santa's Reindeer named Nathaniel whose first words to me were "You don't need wings to fly!"

...Journeying to meet my Upper World Spirit Teacher, I ended up in Olympus excitedly awaiting to see which Greek Deity (otherwise why Olympus?) would volunteer to be my guide, when I look over and see Mr. Rogers sitting on a stone bench inviting me over to sit with him. "Call me Fred."

...White Buffalo Calf Woman AND Sitting Bull both appear to me in my Vision Quest and continue guiding me for years, Sitting Bull eventually handing off the reigns to Standing Bear, renowned chief of the Ponca tribe.

Random, right? Not so much. And now I get the inklings of a deeper meaning to my path, named The Golden Thread Road by White Buffalo Calf Woman based on a vision I had in the late 80s before I knew anything about shamanism, as a golden thread has been emerging that ties all these things together into a bigger, more profound picture, than had at first appeared. Just like with Harry Potter, all the elements were there at the beginning, and as the characters grew and evolved a deeper reality and plot was revealed so we realize there was nothing random or accidental about any of it.

And so it is with my Golden Thread Road. Things are coming into focus now that connect and make sense of the seemingly random occurrences and experiences of the past decade and a half, not to mention all the years prior. This bigger vision comes on the threshold and rite of passage for myself, again not by accident, as I step willingly, if a little hesitantly, into a bigger, more profound role than I would have ever mapped out for myself. With this widening of vision and deepening of purpose comes a new name bestowed upon me by my spirit helpers, and fittingly it seems appropriate to bring this Golden Thread Road blog to a close as I open to a new set of experiences and journeys - Journeys of the Wind Buffalo.

When I began The Golden Thread Road, it was at the behest of White Buffalo Calf Woman at that original vision quest when she told me, "Your path is to be shared." That sharing has tapered off over the years and particularly in the last couple years amid the Covid pandemic -- Though one of the most active periods of my spiritual life, there has been little if any sharing here. Granted, with the pandemic came new avenues of sharing as I branched out into live videos, offering weekly readings and ceremonies to support and uplift my community, but my blog lay, for all intents and purposes, fallow. And that is okay. I tend to get down on myself for not continuing with such commitments, but with clearer sight I can see that it's the way it was meant to be. My path over the past couple years needed the darkness and silence of Mother Earth in order to grow the necessary roots to support me in its sharing. And so comes time, even as the earth herself begins to turn toward the vibrancy of Spring, a quickening takes place within me as the buds begin to show their faces, and I begin anew with a new blog - Wind Buffalo Journeys. 

The story of the new name will have to wait. I merely wanted to begin the process, this post being the last post in The Golden Thread Road (Omega) and the first post in Wind Buffalo Journeys (Alpha), one blog melding into the next as the colors of the rainbow blend one into the other, and as Winter gently transforms into Spring. 

I have many stories from the past to share, as well as those from wherever this path of mine will lead, and my deepest hope through their sharing is that they add to the enlightenment and empowerment of your own path as we walk in beauty, hand in hand, arm in arm, toward home. 

Aho.

Your Feelings Are Your Feelings

Despite an initial burst of excitement for the future, and a healing combination of despatcho, cacao, and medicine wheel ceremonies performed to the backdrop of a crystal bowl and gong sound bath at Mausouleum, I’ve found myself in a bit of a funk for this first week of the year. Though still optimistic with a lot to look forward to, I’ve felt a little lost, and frustrated, and just generally out of sorts as obstacles seemed to continue to rise in my path, and life refused to flow smoothly.

Then yesterday, while I was at my day job and minding my own business, my Upperworld Spirit Teacher decided to make a cameo appearance. I may have mentioned before that my Spirit Teacher’s name is ‘Fred’... as in ‘Rogers’... as in ‘Mister’... So you may be able to hear the voice and tone of the following conversation...

Fred: Do you know who you are when you’re mad?
Me: Who?
Fred: God. ...And do you know who you are when you’re sad?
Me: Who?
Fred: God.

I’m pretty grateful that I was working by myself at the moment because I’m pretty sure I started giggling out loud at that point. That was probably the most “Mister Rogers-ish” thing he’d said since he became my guide over ten years ago. But he wasn’t through. He went the extra step to the most “Mister Rogers-iest” thing he could have possibly done. He started singing.

The melody and chorus, along with the general gist of the song, was clear, but it took me about an hour of working with him (remember - I was simultaneously at my full-time day job attempting to fulfill my duties there) to reconstruct the other lyrics of the song. Those lyrics are as follows, with a video after that of me singing Fred's song:

FEELINGS ARE YOUR FEELINGS

Are you feeling angry 

So you want to scream and shout?

Or are you feeling saddened 

And your lip is in a pout?

Your feelings are your feelings

They’re important that is true

But your feelings are your feelings

And they’re not you.

So no matter what your feeling 

Whether happy, sad, or odd

Whatever you are feeling 

You are God.

So there you go neighbor. Over a decade on the shamanic path and it's still never just the same old thing, with unexpected blessings always surprising me around every corner. Welcome to the neighborhood!

Applying Torc

I recently took an online shamanic journey course with Sandra Ingerman and one evening's journey stood out from the rest. One of the reasons is the incredible timing of it, having happened just the night before a soul retrieval that a friend did for me, that was nothing short of epic. 

So this night's journey started out normally enough, if anything pertaining to journeying can ever be deemed 'normal.' Actually it was the 'new' normal, the origin point of my recent journeys having shifted from a beloved tree on the old Faerieworlds site to the High Falls on the Pigeon River in Northern Minnesota that I visited last summer. 

This was specifically an Upper World journey. We had done a Lower World journey the previous week, which was easy enough, simply diving into the water below the falls and following a blue iridescent tunnel before surfacing in a pool, that was just in front of the cave from which I used to emerge when descending through my aforementioned tree friend. But how, I queried, was I going to ascend to the Upper World from a water fall? My answer was quick in coming as Salomon, my salmon guide, appeared swimming up the falls. I jumped on his back and he carried me to the top where a rainbow arced into the sky. With out missing a beat, Sal continued swimming up the rainbow.  

I don't exactly remember the transition from my piscine friend's scaly back, but suddenly I was standing in the living room of my Upper World spirit teacher, Fred. I received a warm welcome and a hug, as usual, then Fred, with his ever present smile, asked how he could help me today. 

Our intention for this journey was to ask our spirit teacher to show us a wound that needed healing that we were unconscious of. Relating this to Fred, he reached over, without a word, and opened a drawer in the cabinet beneath his fish tank. His hand disappeared into the drawer and withdrew holding what appeared to be a strip of leather. "Here's your throat back after it was ripped out." 

I think I gasped, this being totally unexpected yet making tons of sense. He applied the leather strip to my throat as if it were an adhesive bandaid. He stepped back to take a look at his handiwork, and as I looked down, I noticed there was more than just the leather on my neck. The knobbed end of a torc rested on the right-hand edge of the leather bandaid, and from that point encircled the back of my neck to where the other knobbed end rested on the opposite end of the leather.

"And with your voice returns your authority!" Fred said with an extra twinkle to his smile. "Perfect," I thought as tears welled in my eyes. 

Recognizing my own authority has been a regular theme of late, and after being raised in an environment where it was not safe to speak one's truth, this was no small feat. So to be given this gift and recognition by Spirit was huge for me. And to receive it in the form sacred to my ancestors was simply sublime. 

In case my prior description was not descriptive enough, a torc is a band of metal, usually with a decorative twist, that is worn around the back of the neck, open at the collar with each end terminating in a metallic ball, sometimes in the shape of a totem animal. This was a Celtic sign of authority, royalty, and chieftainship. 

To honor this spontaneous healing I began immediately shopping around for a torc, excited at the prospect of having a physical component to what I received in spirit. I would have to be patient, though, as it would require some time to save money for such a hand-crafted item. 

In the mean time, as I walked past my altar one day, I looked down and was struck by what I saw.

Stretched across the front of my altar was the choker I'd gotten at Faerieworlds this past year. I had previously been hesitant to buy anything similar, not having Native American heritage, but this particular one spoke to me. Plus, I'd met and given a Medicine Card reading to the man who had made them, who happened to be the base player for a friend who performs at Faerieworlds every year. That seemed to make it okay. 

So I wore it proudly at Faerieworlds, but once I  returned to the mundane world, had trouble finding occasions to wear it, and thus placed it on my altar until the time seemed appropriate. Now I was looking at it in a new light -- This strip of leather that covers my throat.  My throat, the expression of my authority, was already sitting on my altar just waiting to be recognized and claimed. 

I still plan on purchasing a torc to honor my journey, but for now I have my choker to wear when leading ceremonies or classes. And it is amazing, and strikes me as strange sometimes, the element of authority that has somehow, unbidden, slipped into my voice when I speak now, especially things that afterward cause me to say to myself, "Where did that come from? I didn't know I knew that!"

 

Where I Am

Traditionally Winters tend to be a little rough for me.  In some ways this year has followed suit, although I have to admit it has not been as dark and trying as past seasons.  In other ways it has been even more trying.  I've had some core, core stuff coming up for me to deal with, which has had me questioning everything -- what I do, what I believe, who I am.  It sometimes feels like I've lost my way, or am actually going backwards.  At the base of all these questions and resurfacing fears is the feeling of not being where I'm 'suppose to be'.  That I'm falling short somehow and not as far along as I should be. 

And to bring these things smack up into my face, a couple days ago my morning began with a phone conversation  with a friend who voiced her anger at me for exactly that -- Not living up to my potential, not being further on my path, and not doing my spiritual work.  On some level I realized these were her own judgements from her own expectations of who I should be, and had nothing to do with what was really going on with me.  Yet there was still a part of me -- a very young part of me -- that kind of woke up and asked, "What if she's right?"

From a very early age I felt like a stranger in this world, so right away I began, for self-preservation, to try to figure out how this seemingly non-sensical world worked, which mostly consisted of figuring out what was expected of me and how to live up to that.  This developed into the perpetual feeling of not being where I'm suppose to be, physically and otherwise, with undefined expectations hanging over my head that were impossible to live up to.  This is what was/is, I believe, at the heart of my challenges with panic/anxiety and depression.

There is much more to say on the subject, but I'm dangerously close to going off on another tangent or three and losing my intended focus for this particular post.  In short, the questioning and seemingly spinning my wheels this Winter was punctuated by this conversation which threw me into a familiar darkness of purposelessness and powerlessness.

I don't know how many times I started crying that day but I had to keep finding reasons to walk off by myself at work.  I felt totally worn down and exhausted -- unloved and unlovable.  At the same time there was a thread of peace underlying all the other feelings that gave me strength.  Despite the tears and sadness and confusion was the knowingness that this was ok.  That it was happening for a reason.  That it was coming up because it was in the process of flushing out of me.

Finally I decided on my lunch break to journey, hopefully to get some answers and clarity--

Feeling a bit ungrounded I decided it was a good idea to begin from my anchor point in this physical reality rather than just popping in on my guides like I tend to do. So I started at the tree, in the middle of the old Faerieworlds site, which is the shamanic portal for me to the otherworlds. 

I hesitated, listening to my heart as to which way to go, Upperworld or Lowerworld, then a moment later was climbing my tree toward the Upperworld home of my spirit teacher Fred.  The branches stretched skyward, disappearing into a ceiling of clouds, and as I rose through the clouds, I emerged through the floor of Fred's living room.  Instantly, in the journey and where I reclined in my car seat, I began to bawl at the love I felt radiating from this place and this man.  Have I mentioned before that Fred's last name is Rogers?

Fred greeted me and gave me a long hug, allowing my tears to fall on his sweater, then he sat me down.  He told me that I was exactly where I was 'suppose to be', even if that were among feelings of being lost and confused.  He brought up Cormorant, who had entered my life at the beginning of last year as a power animal, saying she was still working with me, using her medicine and diving deeper into the dark and unknown than I have ever been in this lifetime.  That is why on the surface there hasn't seemed to be much change or movement -- why I feel I'm not making much progress -- because the changes and shifts are too deep to be totally recognized yet in my day to day life.  This made a lot of sense as to the reason I've felt the way I have, because enormous amounts of my energy have been working fathoms beneath the surface, leaving the part of me still on the surface feeling the loss of that energy.  That in itself allowed me to relax considerably.  That's why I've felt so out of it, so exhausted, so vulnerable, and so battle worn.

I thanked Fred then said I think I needed a dismemberment -- a process where your guides take you apart and then put you back together stronger than before (I'm really trying to resist the temptation to say, "We can rebuild him! We have the technology!").  Instantly Fred, began karate kicking me, and with every swipe of his foot through me, I burst out in sprays of glitter and faery dust until there was nothing left of me, save for my consciousness just floating there. 

The next thing I knew I was watching this tiny little spider repelling down from the ceiling.  She stopped about 6 inches above my head and began spinning me into a cocoon of it's silvery threads.

At this point the exhaustion that had been dogging me took hold and I fell asleep.  The afternoon passed, then after work, as I was driving to Seattle, I recalled where the journey had 'stopped.'  A little alarmed that I couldn't remember getting out of the cocoon, I mentally connected with Fred to find out what had happened.  "You never did get out. You're still there. It's time for you to rest."

Phew!  There's nothing like getting permission from your guides to rest -- which is ultimately you giving yourself permission.  I have been driven since childhood to assess what was expected of me (which in reality was what I made up from what I believed others expected, since no one ever told me what those parameters were) and then to strive, and to strive, and to strive even harder for some nebulous potential. This process has hardly let up into the present, so no wonder I'm exhausted!

Again, my growing realization is validated -- that fulfillment, enlightenment, wholeness (whatever you want to label it) is gained by surrendering and dropping into what we already are, rather than the general consensus that these things are only gained through effort and strain.  As Jeshua has been saying for the twenty-some years that I've been going to him, there are no accidents so we are always in the right place at the right time. Wherever I am is where I'm 'suppose to' be. "You are where you are, and that is perfect."

So I set my intention to allow myself to rest, to allow myself to grow at my own pace, following my own time line no matter what the calendar or others might say, and to drop back into the wholeness and well-being that are my natural state.  And I follow the advice that Artemis continues to tell me:

"Don't give up. Just surrender."

Teacher's Pet

So, during my soul retrieval workshop, in a journey to ask what I could do to help integrate the essence and vitality that was returned to me, my guides gave me a list --

• Draw everyday
• Walk in Nature
• Meditate everyday (whether in stillness or in the movement of Tai-chi)
• TEACH

Wha-huh?! Teach?! Really?! Me?!  "Yes," Nathaniel said, half-hiding a smile, "It's about time you began to teach."

Picture my surprise upon arriving home and, in checking the stack of emails that had accumulated over the past week, I opened a message from a friend, and former teacher, asking if I were interested in coming over for an evening class on how to teach Introductory Shamanic Journeys.  "...If you feel inspired," she said.  "How can I spend a week with Sandra Ingerman and not be inspired?" I replied.  In fact I was so inspired that when I received a catalog for the local Park & Recreation Dept, I suddenly got a flash of seeing "Introduction to Shamanic Journeying" in the class listings.

So, one of the first things we did in the aforementioned class was journey to meet whoever is going to be our spirit guide(s) for teaching.  Right away I met an owl by the name of Hortance (later it occurred to me -- Hortance hears a hoo-hoo!).  I ran him by Nathaniel, just to check him out, and then, in a little trick I learned from another teacher to 'test the spirits', I asked him to tell me a joke -- the idea being that if they have any other agenda than your highest good, they will not have the humor to do so --

          Q:  What do you call a person sitting alone on a sidewalk?

          A:  A 'dumpling'!   (Think about it from a bird's point of view... flying over... uh-huh...)

Okay. Definitely one of my crew (Though I wouldn't ever have come up with, let alone have told, a joke like that...).  

I was a bit surprised that Fred didn't pop up, since he's a model teacher for me, so I went to his place.  He told me Hortance was my main teacher guide, but he would definitely be there (then Jeshua and another guide chimed in with a "Me too" each).

So I went back to Hortance to ask how we would work together.  Hortance called it "Creative Inspiration" -- he would supply the energy and inspiration, but the words would be my own.  We would ride a whole spectrum of varieties on the theme, from him talking through me to me expounding on my own experiences, but for the most part it would be his creative inspiration.

Finally I asked what were the gifts/talents I was bringing to the table for my future classes?  Stealth and Humor.  Like an owl who is totally silent in flight so that it's prey doesn't know it's there until the owl's talons are sinking in, my classes will be so busy laughing and enjoying my passion for the subject, they won't realize until afterwards how much they have learned and how much has sunk in.  No wonder my Teacher's Aide is an owl!

It's funny because, as a kid in school, other than being a cartoonist, the two careers I could easily see myself doing were acting and teaching. I used to watch my teachers, particularly the passionate, inspiring ones, and imagine how, and what, I would teach.  And now this new direction seems imminent (which it must be if I already have a designated spirit guide for teaching!) as I begin setting up plans with a few others to teach Shamanic Journeying.  And even before receiving that email, when I was finishing up the Soul Retrieval workshop, I was feeling a strong tug toward taking Sandra Ingerman's Two-Year Teaching Program. It seems like the natural next step, especially as I remember what White Buffalo Calf Woman told me on my vision quest almost two and a half years ago -- that "my path is to be shared."  Sharing is teaching.

Of course when I ask my guides about it, they tell me, "One step at a time."  So I will continue to simply put one foot in front of the other, and see where I end up.

Caterpillar Soup

Things have been different lately. Really different.  So much so that even at Faerieworlds a couple weeks ago, the one place and time of year I feel I can be my most uninhibited true self, a friend mentioned I didn't seem like myself.  Crap! I didn't know it was that obvious...

Something has been building since at least my last birthday in October -- "at least" because it has actually been hanging around for longer than I care to remember. But October was the first time it showed its face in a unified, organized feeling-- a feeling still difficult to describe.  It's sort of a dark heaviness that threatens to burst forth from my, seemingly permanently, restricted diaphragm. It actually started with a dream that has expanded into only what I can call visions (and vague remembrances of similar visions from childhood).  The main component of all these things, that have since blended together, is seeing the earth as smaller (like from a distance?), seeing a snow covered continent -- or just a 'finger' of land -- with an accompanying fear of either falling off of or of missing the earth.  Then I find myself trudging through the snow, in the cold darkness, alone and feeling like I'm either in the wrong place and not suppose to be there, or at the very least am not happy about my presence there.  It is hard to describe or to express the tendrils of emotions all wrapped together in this and how uncomfortable, confusing, and frightening it has been.  I had kind of managed to move beyond the vision part of these feelings until recently when I started watching a TV show about ancient aliens, and the multitude of images of the earth from space drew those right back in front of my face. 

I don't think I had really, at least consciously, been suppressing these things but was more the case that I didn't know what to do with them or how to deal with them.  They simply didn't have a context.  For the most part, even up to this past month, they had abated to just the very edge of my conscious recognition -- still there, but just annoying in their presence rather than interfering with my life.

So what changed?  Well, in the past month I have taken two separate shamanic classes which have both expanded and influenced me in significant ways, not the least of which was receiving a Power Animal Retrieval in the first one -- namely Snake. Snake is BIG medicine, being all about transformation, shedding old skins to be reborn, and the fiery alchemy of changing venom (poison) into healing.  Huge!  But I intend on writing an entire entry on this asp-ect (hee-hee!) since its scope is too large on it's own to be done justice here. 

Along with these two classes that I've already attended, I am also signed up for a 5-day training in Soul Retrieval in August.  Soul Retrieval is a shamanic method of 'retrieving' parts of a person that have been separated from that person, usually in instances of trauma.  It is very powerful to have these parts of your soul reunited and reintegrated. Not only will I be learning how to do this for others, but as part of the training I will be receiving one as well.  Now, as I discovered first hand before my Reiki attunements, as soon as you sign up for something like this, as soon as you solidify that commitment, you have already begun the transformative process of whatever that program, event, or class entails.  In most instances, according to personal experience, this involves a clearing, whether emotional or physical or both, to make room for the new stuff to take hold and grow -- which usually means you get sick before you get well.

In this case it hasn't been physical sickness, but a lot of emotional shrapnel from the past, things I'd thought were dealt with and done, rising back up to be faced and cleared again, which, though ultimately in the long run serve my highest good, in the short run have a tendency toward undermining my confidence and making me feel weaker, less grounded, and vulnerable.  Emotionally ill. 

The hardest part about this process is that the best way to deal with it and help it along, is to let go -- deeper and deeper levels of surrender. The harder I fight it (and believe me I've tried!) the rougher the terrain gets.  The more I try to pretend nothing is happening, and try to be my cheerful, optimistic, gleeful self, the harder it becomes, exponentially, to maintain that facade.  Case in point -- my friend's comments at Faerieworlds.

And it is amazing, once I start to accept my state, to be present with my feelings and not try to over-ride them in order to show the world that I'm okay and 'normal,' the easier it is to be with and accept these changes.  I've been accepting that my energy levels are going to be lower than usual, my emotions are going to be all over the charts, and that I'm gong to crave more solitude and at the same time experience increased loneliness.  It has been easier, but it has not been easy! 

I have been debating whether I need to get a soul retrieval (or other shamanic healings) to ease this transition. but I journeyed on it last night, and both my Upper World teacher and my Lower World guide told me over and over (because I kept asking them over and over) that I was "right on schedule" and didn't need to do anything else.  In fact, if I got a soul retrieval, it would interfere with the timing of my path.  I asked if I really should be taking the training in August and Nathaniel, my reindeer, said, "Of course! That's why you're in this position with all this happening right now." I had to laugh too, because after the journey when I was writing this part in my notebook, I heard Nathaniel's voice say, "Duh!"

And as I closed my notebook I heard Fred's voice say, "Just be willing to be present."

I kept remembering the conversation I had with a friend, who has been a spiritual mentor to me for nigh on 20 years, right after Faerieworlds as I tried to get a handle on all of this.  She was not surprised by anything I told her.  In fact she almost seemed like she expected it, with all the shamanic work I do, etc, you have to keep shedding the layers, keep being born a new, keep letting go of everything!

I had had another dream recently of being in a great library which was made of glass. I went outside the front doors and when I looked down the street I saw the tops of the trees just swaying back and forth violently.  I dashed back inside and dove behind a shelf to avoid the flying glass resulting from the cyclone blowing right through the library.  Everything I thought I knew, that I had organized and stored and built upon, was wiped out and blown away.  Nothing I thought I knew means anything. Square one. New game. Letting go of everything.

My friend said one thing that has stuck with me.  We talked about the transformation of caterpillar to butterfly, and how the caterpillar totally breaks down before the butterfly can take form.  As I've found out recently, the carterpillar actually has antibodies that fight off the butterfly transformation, as if it were a disease. But at some point, when the caterpillars disappears into the pupa to make its change, the antibodies die off and the caterpillar literally dies as the butterfly aspects take over. The thing my friend told me is, "You're in the pupa. You know what's in the pupa?  Caterpillar soup!" 

 That's what I am right now, and the process can't be rushed because it takes time for the butterfly to form -- and I want my wings to be fully-formed, strong, and glorious!

All Good Things...

I have mentioned the class I began in September, the first year of a potential three year program in Shamanism, and though it is only about half over, I have felt guided, rather strongly, to move on. This decision has been weighing on me for some time, more than I think I realized, and I think was very close to the root of why this recent Winter had been particularly challenging for me.

Not that there is anything wrong with the class or the teacher. On the contrary, they are both fantastic and I have learned and grown incredibly since I began. There has just been this persistent feeling that it was not quite a complete fit, for whatever reason, and that has been a huge lesson for me -- to sit with those feelings and gain clarity.

At first I thought I was uncomfortable because it was a new environment I wasn't used to, and I obviously just needed to learn how to adapt and work through those feelings. Acouple months in I was still feeling those uncertainties and was starting to reconsider whether I needed to be there. Then my class went on a retreat in Idaho and things shifted a bit.

First of all, it was an amazing bonding experience for me and I connected with people in ways I really hadn't before. I felt more comfortable with these people than pretty much any group I had been in, and I started to understand what people meant in other groups when they talked about a sense of family. Secondly there was an occurrence that required, and allowed us to see first hand, true advanced shamanism. It was a very humbling experience for me, and I realized how little I knew, and how far I had to go if I wanted to learn it myself. Naturally I figured the best way to learn would be to stay with class, so I continued -- the bonds with my fellow students deepening and the feelings of not-quite-rightness refusing to abate.

Like I said, I was experiencing huge amounts of growth and learning, so obviously, I thought, I needed to be there, and any feelings of discomfort were my own fault and something I just needed to come to terms with. And I enjoyed class, my class-mates, and my teacher, so what the heck?

Then one night, out of the blue, I received a text from a friend, a professional psychic friend, saying she got a message for me about a teacher of mine, she correctly thought the name started with a 'C', and that I had spent a season there, getting everything I needed to, and that it was time to move on. There were other experiences waiting for me.

On one hand I have had enough readings to know that psychics are not gods and that they can mis-hear guidance or be off, either slightly or completely. On the other hand, I hadn't talked to my friend for quite some time, so I hadn't even mentioned the class to her, let alone how long I'd been in it. So I knew enough not to take it as divine intervention and a voice from on high, but there were enough correct things, and it resonated enough with what I'd been feeling, that it got my attention. Perhaps it was time to re-examine my situation.

I got a couple Tarot readings from friends, one not totally confident in her abilities and the other who reads Tarot for a living and has basically been my spiritual counselor for almost 20 years. The interesting thing is that in both readings, with in the scenario of staying in class, the main card that came up was the 5 of cups -- Disappointment, the image of which is a figure looking at three cups, spilled and empty in front of him , while he can not see the two full cups that stand behind him. ...Interesting.

Still, this was all second-hand wisdom from outside sources, and before I made any decisions I really needed to check inside myself. So arose the stock question in all shamanic circles: "Have you journeyed about it?" So that is what I did.

It had been a while since I journeyed, so I began at my Faerieworlds tree and followed the familiar stone, spiral stairway that led down to the underworld beneath it. I greeted Nathaniel, my beloved fuzz-nose of a reindeer, marveling at the realism of this realm. I talk to him all the time in my daily life, and have even felt his nose nuzzle its way into my hand as I'm walking somewhere, but I forget the immediacy, depth, and texture of these otherworlds, where I can reach out and actually touch his antlers or feel my face buried in his thick fur and smell the rich, calming musk of his scent. Yum!

I asked him about my class and he told me my navigation had gotten off track because I was paying more attention to others than myself, but that it was also a necessary side-trip to restore my self-direction. Cool. I wasn't sure that it answered my question, but good answer.

I wanted to check with my Upper World guide, Fred, too in order to get his perspective, so I asked Nathaniel to fly me up there. Seeing as he's one of Santa's reindeer, he can do that. We took off toward the heavens, and I suddenly realized Nathaniel had sprouted wings. Wait a minute! I was no longer on Nathaniel's back, but the back of Meryl, my Pelican guide who is my Guardian of Crossroads. "Oh yeah! I probably should have come to you first, huh?" If it's possible for pelicans to smile, that's what she did.

We landed and she showed me two paths laid out in front of me -- one where I stayed in class, and one where I moved on in a different direction.

Under her direction I headed down the first path, the one where I stayed the course and remained in class. The path became a tunnel, getting increasingly smaller as I felt more and more anxious, tight, and constricted. When I told Meryl how I felt, she replied, "That's fine, but do you see any glimmer a head of you; A light at the end of the tunnel?" "No. It dead ends right here in a wall of rock. I can see where the drill bit was that dug it!"

"Okay," she said in her always calm voice. "Try the other road." As I followed this path I felt lighter and lighter, until I felt I was flying. I was filled with a feeling of relief, like a weight had been lifted. "That's fine," she said again, "But is it an empty relief, like you just dodged a bullet, or is it an empowering relief?" "I definitely feel empowered!" "That is your answer."

When I talked to my teacher about this, she suggested I journey again and find out what the wall was. So back to the Underworld I went.

This time I started out in the Upperworld, in Fred's living room where I asked for his input. I have to admit he isn't always helpful in practical ways. He is very good at giving a bigger picture, and encouragement, and those sorts of things, but all he could really tell me was that it was my choice and that I couldn't take a wrong path. That's when we noticed we were not alone. Meryl was standing there, in the middle of the living room preening herself. "You probably want to talk to her," Fred said with a big grin.

Back to the tunnel Meryl and I went, and once there I started asking about the wall. What was it? Was it a challenge I needed to break through? Was it as simple as it's just not the right direction? "If I need to go through it I will! I'm exhausted, but if it's for my highest good in stepping into and claiming my power I will do it! If this is my path, I know I have what it takes to handle it and I am willing to go through it if that is my lesson!"

"Patrick," Came the soft patient voice, "Your path is 'the water-course' way, and what does water do when it hits a dead end tunnel?"

"Um, it pools then backs up until it comes back out the entrance." "And why would you want to do that?"

"I don't, huh. But if I know it's not a complete fit, and go into it with that perspective, just taking from it what's useful for me, couldn't I stay?"

"You could," She shrugged, "But you would be putting time, money, and energy into something that doesn't totally serve you. Why would you want to do that?" Good question, as it occurred to me that spending my time, money, and energy here could leave me short of those things for those experiences that are more suited for me, and serve me more completely.

"I just want to make sure I'm not taking the easy way out, or running away from anything!"

"Patrick, look around your home and tell me how many birds, and feathers and wings do you see?" I opened my eyes and gazed around at the countless feathers and images of wings, whether of birds or faeries, that bedecked my apartment. "You are a flier not a burrower. That path feels lighter because it is your path. You are following your path, going toward your destiny, not away from your duties."

I breathed a sigh of relief as the truth of it sank in. Go toward the joy. Follow your bliss. It felt right. "But..."

"Everything you need to learn, you will call to yourself. This is not the only source."

I remembered something that Jeshua had told me recently when I asked him what the lesson in all this was. "All roads lead to Rome," was his reply.

And as I sat with what my beloved pelican had said, and it sank deeper and deeper, I was left with one more image: That of sitting astride Nathaniel as he flies through the night sky, my view looking between his antlers at the North star ...MY North star ...Home!

Sleeping In Heavenly Peace

Last week had been a big week for lessons. The biggest lesson being: I am not alone; Nor am I expected to handle everything on my own. It's funny because I couldn't possibly count the number of times I've told people that same thing in Medicine Card readings -- usually upon the appearance of Ant in the cards, bringing the medicine of Patience, along with the knowledge that you have an entire hive working with you. You are totally supported and no matter how small your piece of the puzzle looks, there are countless others working with you, carrying their own piece of the puzzle, toward the same goals.

It was kind of a lesson in 2 parts, starting roughly over the weekend when I was not feeling like myself. I was anxious and twitchy, over-stimulated and awash with self-doubt, going through an emotional ringer and feeling very much alone -- and yet needing to be alone. I had a couple of plans that weekend which I cancelled because I really did feel the need to be alone and go inside to sort things out. This actually resulted in 3 different friends who I haven't talked to in months, calling me, and each conversation made me cry as each one reconnected with me and reminded me of who I am, and what I mean to them. One friend called specifically because she heard I had cancelled the plans because I'd hit a rough patch and she wanted to make sure I was alright. And being a Vedic Astrolger, she knew she had information that would help give my feelings a context on a higher perspective. Not only am I not alone because I have friends that care about me -- even after months of no contact -- but also in being connected to others going through very similar trials on their path of growth because of the ebb and flow of cosmic energies, as well as the synchronized growth of the collective unconscious.

Then I found out that one of my closest friends was in the hospital, and the doctors weren't sure what was wrong. I tried to set my crummy feelings aside and went to see her for a couple days in a row to cheer her and to give her reiki. After the second night I was in pretty bad shape. I had a terrible head-ache and was getting progressively more nauseous. I thought I had put pretty good protection around me, like my teacher taught us, and I had called on my guides to walk with me and hold me in light, but still found the atmosphere there to be extremely oppressive with feelings of despair and hopelessness, as well as this very uncomfortable separation from the earth and anything natural.

Anyway, when I got home the second night, another friend called me to see how I was doing, and when we got off the phone she started working long-distance healing on me, helping to clear all of my chakras. Meanwhile, I prayed to my guides for help, particularly Jeshua and Mother Mary. Jeshua is always there, and I have a very strong connection with Mother Mary -- I think I've mentioned before how every night as a teenager, while lying in bed saying my rosary before falling asleep, I would feel her presence hovering over me and felt her energy wrap around me like angel wings. Well, that was exactly what I asked for now. I needed comforting, and I needed revitalization big time. And I needed to know that all this stuff is real -- that I really wasn't alone and did have guides looking over me.

As I fell asleep I felt Jeshua standing at my bedside, Mary's familiar angel wings enveloping me, and I got the image of my Upper World guide, Fred, pulling up some covers to tuck me in. I felt totally surrounded in, and infused with love -- totally relaxed and soaking it in like a sponge. And again I wonder, " How could I ever doubt these things?!" I don't remember the last time I had such a restful night's sleep!

The next morning on my way to work, feeling 500% better, Jeshua told me, with that ever-present twinkle, "Stop pushing so hard and enjoy the ride for awhile!" Duh! I had been really pushing lately, thinking it was up to me, and me alone, to figure out everything in my life and forgetting that I am not alone and all I really need to do is let go and allow things to flow, be like water, and trust.

Okay. So I will stop 'pushing the river' and will try to remember that all I have to do is steer the ship -- There are others whose job and joy it is to fill my sails.

Thank you guys! Second star to the right and straight on til morning!...

Every Footstep

I seem to have crossed another new threshold. This past week, for the first time ever, I posted, as my facebook status, a quote I received directly from one of my own guides, as opposed to reprinting a quote from someone else or one of their guides. Might not sound like a big deal, but it seemed a pretty significant step to me.

So it had been a rough couple of weeks and I was talking to Fred, my Upper World spirit teacher, and saying how all this stuff was coming up lately that I thought I'd already dealt with years ago. It felt like I was going backwards. Fred, in his ever calm, patient, smiling manner, said --

"Every step is a step forward. Your internal pedometer doesn't have a reverse."

It was something I had kind of realized before, but the way he put it just seemed so profound and yet so simple. And it was exactly the perfect thing that I needed to hear.

I'm not sure what prompted me to post it, but I did it with hardly a thought about it. I guess it just seemed like something that needed to be shared, and in retrospect I realize it was also a way of taking another step into my power and claiming my abilities. I do talk to spirits and they do have a certain tendency to say some pretty prfound things. Apparently it is time to start sharing those things rather than playing it safe and keeping them to myself. I've been feeling lately like I really need tobuild more confidence, but I guess posting something in public, that you and ou alone heard, in your head, from a spirit, probably demostrates a certain degree of confidence, huh? ...probably...

Anyway, the quote itself reminded me of a song I'd written about 15 years ago, which I also wanted to share here as well:

EVERY FOOTSTEP

Here I stand where my heart is free

The Universe arrayed about me

With every possible path laid at my feet

Every time my pathway changes

All the Universe rearranges

To bring my back where circles are complete

Every moment is a new beginning

And every heart beat is a new song singing

And I wonder where I thought I might have been

No matter how far I may seem to journey

There's just no way to leave eternity

And every footstep brings me home again

With my heart I realign

In clarity the choice is mine

For what it is I truly wish to find

I choose my path in perfect freedom

Knowing each way fin'ly leads on

To the place we've never left behind

And every moment is a new beginning

And every heart beat is a new song singing

And I wonder where I thought I might have been

No matter how far I may seem to journey

There's just no way to leave eternity

And every footstep brings me home again

Brings me home

Once again

Eat. Drink. Sleep. Pee.

For the past few days I have been sick. Well, maybe a little longer than that, but not until Friday did I feel the need to spend the day in bed. Then Saturday. Then Sunday, today. Albeit I'm starting to feel better now, but just in fits and starts. Enough to run to the grocery store for juice and soup before feeling run down and needing a nap again.

Anyway, this comes directly on the heels of a conscious decision I made to again "return to the cave." To pull into myself a bit, retreat from the world, to nurture and nourish myself. And apparently, from what I heard about the recent New Moon in Cancer, this is perfect timing, for that's exactly what that moon signifies.

The past months have found me becoming highly distracted and mesmerized by the dramas of the world and the dramas of others, and without belittling or judging what anyone else is going through, my personal boundaries and goals were beginning to blur. I realized I had lost sight of my personal north star as well as my inner compass, and so was just sailing in circles at the mercy of wind and wave, my senses lulled to sleep by the siren's song of the world.

But then there came a couple of instances where, though totally emotional, I literally felt as though I'd been kicked in the gut by a couple people. And though it took me a bit of time to recover from those instances, I am so grateful for them because they were the wake up call I needed to rouse my dazed senses and to reset my bearings.

It seems to be at the point where I was resetting that I began to get sick, starting in my throat, the 5th chakra, which is about expressing oneself. Coincidence? I think not. And as I continue to find my way, and set my course of true expression, I am releasing the foreign matters that I had taken aboard and mistakenly identified as my own -- Clearing myself of excess weight and baggage that I may become airborne and set my sights on the second star to the right.

Does that make the sickness any easier? I don't know about easier. I still feel like crap. But it does place it all in a different context, giving it a purpose and a pearl of wisdom which, by itself may not add up to much, but when placed with the treasure trove of other such pearls of experience I have gained, it becomes harder to deny a higher purpose in all of this.

But that's not actually what I had intended to write about in this entry. It has been a long time, since childhood possibly, that I have been this sick for this long. Especially anymore, I may require a day of sleep to feel good enough to re-emerge into the world, but three? So this time has thrown me for a bit of a loop, and made me wonder if I'm taking care of myself enough to heal. I mean, it is 4:30 in the afternoon and I have yet to eat anything. I haven't been drinking a lot of liquids either, except on my occasional trips to the bathroom. That's not, according to the way I was raised, how one gets well.

So this afternoon, those doubts swirling in my head, along with a general cultural guilt for laying in bed for so long, I checked in with my Upperworld Guide, Fred, to ask if I was alright or if I should be doing more to take care of myself through this.

"Are you thirsty?" he asked. "No." "Then don't worry about drinking. Are you hungry?" "No." "Then don't worry about eating. Are you tired?" "Yes." "Then sleep."

That was so simple, so Taoist. Like another Taoist saying I remember hearing: "When hungry, eat. When thirsty, drink. When tired, sleep. When Nature calls, answer."

Thank you Fred. See you after my nap... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Whirlwind Weekend ~ Part the First: Soul Reprieval

Last weekend I was supposed to begin a class on Soul Retrieval -- “supposed to” being the operative phrase. When I found out my Shamanism teacher was going to teach this class, I was extremely excited and figured it was the natural next step in my shamanic education. It was definitely something I wanted and planned to learn, for my own deeper self-exploration, as well as my future as a shamanic practitioner, so what was there to question? That was where I slipped up.

As time went on and the class grew closer, I found myself inexplicably less and less excited. A couple days before the class I was talking to a friend about it and, for some reason, it did not surprise her. She pointed out how busy I’d been, and that everything I’d been doing -- all the classes, workshops, readings,etc -- was shifting and increasing my energy. My physical body, which moves at a slower pace, needed to time to adjust and catch up with all these changes. “Still,” I thought, “How could I possibly not suppose to take the class?”

The next morning I finally sat down and did what I should have done a long time ago. I journeyed on it, to talk to my guides and get clarity and a higher perspective on the situation. Being a student of modern shamanism, I put away my drumming CD when I realized that the thumpa-thumpa-thumpa of the freshly started washing machine would suffice to fuel my trip to the otherworld.

Because I was nervous, over this and the anticipation of coming events, I had a difficult time just popping in on my guides as I normally would, so I had to begin at my shaman tree; My portal to the otherworlds that exists in physical time and space; The tree that stands at the center of the old Faerieworlds site at the winery in Eugene, Oregon. In my mind, I entered the familiar hollow of the tree, reaching up and caressing her bark in gratitude as I passed within. Inside the tree, the floor gave way to a spiraling dirt stairway, which I descended, eventually emerging out into the underworld where I recognized the four-footed figure waiting there.

I kissed the big fuzzy nose of Nathaniel, my reindeer guide, then asked him what was going on and why I felt the way I did. “Your friend was correct, Patrick. You need a break in order to regroup and integrate the higher energies you have been experiencing. It is your choice whether to take the class or not, but the timing is not exactly right. There are things you need to do and experience before learning these things, but you will learn them.”

Feeling a little uncomfortable, feeling I’d already sort of committed to the class, and knowing how much work my teacher had put into creating this class with the exact number of students including me, I asked, “But what do I tell her?” “Tell her you need a summer vacation.” If it’s possible for reindeer to grin, Nathaniel did so.

“Thank you Fuzz Nose,” I said, kissing him again. Then I turned, and this time not needing the tree, popped into the living room of Fred, my upper world spirit teacher.

“Well hello Patrick. What can I do for you?” He asked as he hugged me. Then smiling he added “Yes, I know why you’re here.” He told me to sit quietly, staying aware of my body, and then to imagine being in the class. My stomach tightened. “Okay, now let that go, and imagine your day free of this class.” My stomach relaxed measurably. “That is all you have to know. Pay attention to those feelings, they will tell you. It’s not that the class is in any way bad or wrong, it is simply not the right time .”

I thanked Fred, hugged him good-bye, and returned my consciousness to my physical body on the couch where I was sitting. I felt a little better, but still dreaded having to tell my teacher this.

I had been through a similar experience not long ago where I was taking a series of classes that every ounce of my being told me to take. I learned a lot and gained valuable experience, but at one point I realized something wasn’t right. I was starting to feel more drained than fed by the experience. And I had this aching feeling in my heart that longed for something deeper. These classes had been a necessary first step, but I had gotten what I needed from them and was feeling, very strong guidance, that there was somewhere else for me to go – Shamanism! To me my decision to leave felt sound, grounded, and right, but trying to explain that to my former teacher, and what I was feeling and planning, proved not quite so simple. She ripped me apart and left me feeling 2 inches tall. "At least," I thought, "There's proof that I don't belong there." I prayed that this would not be repeated now.

After a brief pep-talk from another friend who knew my current teacher, I called and left a message explaining what was happening, and what my guides had said, telling her to please call me back so we could talk. I didn’t want news like that to just be given in a voice mail. Then, just to make sure I would reach her, I headed to Starbuck’s so I could email her as well. I have yet to get internet at home.

While I was there, and before I had the chance to send an email, she called me back. I could tell by her voice that she was a bit surprised and upset, but she asked me to explain again what was going on. I told her what my guides had said, and what I was feeling -- including the guilt of knowing how much work she'd put in on her end, and the rent money she would be out. She understandably asked me to reconsider and check in again before making my decision, but adding that, for being one who teaches others to follow their guidance she couldn't ask me to go against mine, as well as that, no matter what my decision was, she still thought the best of me. Through eyes watering from relief at her kindness and integrity, I said I would check in again and give her a call back that evening.

I did want to check in again, just to be sure, but wasn't sure how successful an attempted shamanic journey would be in the middle of a bustling coffee shop. Since I had my Medicine Cards along, I decided to consult those to get a straight answer, which I figured I could do without attracting too much attention. I shuffled the deck then drew the cards and placed them in a medicine wheel on the table, and this is how they fell...

Medicine Cards copyright Jamie Sams, David Carson, and Angela C. Werneke

And this is how I read it --

Starting in the East is Raven, who I see as a sort of Prometheus of the Americas, because it was She who stole fire from the Sun and brought it to humans. She carries the spark and flames of creativity as well as the dark, magickal expanses of The Great Mystery. She is the embodiment of Mystery and Magick, and especially appearing in the East, the place of the dawn, She is heralding a new period for me of creativity and magick.

In the South is Swan. It is the direction of action, which interestingly in this case seems to be the act of surrender -- which is more difficult than you may think. It is through the surrendering of Herself to the plan of the Creator, flowing with and following Her path, that She achieves the beauty and grace that She embodies as an adult, though she started as an ugly duckling. Basically She is telling me to trust that my path is unfolding as it should, and in surrendering myself and not fighting the current, I will emerge as my true and glorious self.

In the West, the place of watery emotions, is Snake reversed. Snake carries the medicine of Transformation, as in alchemy. Reversed She is telling me to be not afraid to shed my old skins, that there is a new self just below the surface ready to burst forth, and as she embraces Her eggs, I need to embrace all the new beginnings that are waiting to come forth in my life. Do not allow the waters of my emotions to drown the flames of change. (Interestingly, I picked up the Snake card as I was pondering this, and I instantly saw my path, my golden thread, snaking out ahead of me in a care-free and joyous manner)

In the North is Fox, who carries the medicine of Camouflage, blending in with the background to observe without making others self conscious, in reverse asks the question "Have you become too invisible?" Fox asks if I've fallen for my own tricks and begun to believe in my camouflage of a low self-esteem. It is time to break out of those illusions and be seen. Speak forth my truth.

At the Center of all, the center and hub that ties all these messages together, is Hawk, the messenger of the gods. In reverse, the meaning seems obvious -- "You are recieving divine messages. Listen to them!" In other words, trust the guidance I am recieving.

On top of Hawk I pulled another card for clarity (though in hindsight it seems pretty clear) and Weasel showed up. He is about stealth, and complimenting Hawk's reversed message, He tells me to stop pretending I don't know what I know and feel.

One more card for good measure, and I pull Jaguar, whose medicine is Integrity. Again, loud and clear, is the message to trust my guidance, speak my guidance, and follow my guidance. Walk my truth. I can trust the honor and integrity of these things, and all is well.

I called my teacher back, still a little hesitant to say what I found out, that my guidance was correct the first time, but feeling a little more sure of myself. She answered the phone, noticeably calmer, and I guessed she had done her own journeys for clarity. I told her I just didn't think I was supposed to take this class now. I breathed a breath of relief as she totally honored this saying it would not be the last time she would teach it. "...And I just want you to know that I still think you're awesome."

Thank you. I think you're awesome too.