"Your path is to be shared...It will be called The Golden Thread Road"
~White Buffalo Calf Woman
****************************************************
PLEASE NOTE: This blog has run its course and is being continued at windbuffalo.blogspot.com. Thank you so much for reading!!

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Thanks Given

Every year at this time I make a hodge-podge list of 101 things I am grateful for (trying to minimize the mention of Muppets and of Rainbows... which are this year only listed once each... kind of... okay, well twice then... ).  It is amazing what a difference gratitude makes, and when I forget who I am, which happens from time to time, looking at these lists of what I am appreciative of always helps bring me back to myself.  I feel Gratefulness is what Love feels like -- One and the same.  So when I am shattered in pieces, gratitude begins connecting those pieces, an act of creation rather than destruction, literally re-membering who I am.

1. Neil Patrick Harris  2. The deep healing shades of green of the forest  3. Zucchini Bread  4. Rainbow Connections  5. My ever deepening, enrichening Shamanic Path  6. The ability to make up words (see #5)  7. Story Tellers  8. Barbaric Yawps  9. Moments of deep, one-on-one connection with another soul  10. Apparently the word "Deep" (this being the fourth time I've used it thus far)  11. Optimism!!  12. Ever present Hope  13. Pooh Sticks  14. The smell of earth and grass  15. Horses (and the way they smell)  16. Strawberry Milk  17. Inspiration  18. Long, languid naps  19. Furry, purry children  20. The breath-taking awe of Grandmother Moon  21. Camping  22. Walks, and sits, in the woods  23. Kissing  24. The Spirit of Christmas  25. Unexpected Miracles and Wild Synchronicities  26. Woodsmoke  27. Drum circles on the beach  28. Deep and wacky spiritual conversations  29. The palpable presence of Spirit Guides  30. Profound yet simple guidance  31. Mystery  32. Star Trek  33. Xena who gave shape to my inner warrior  34. The Fair Folk  35. Silence and Solitude  36. Walt Whitman  37. Alan Watts 38. The ability to see with more than my eyes  39. Fudge  40. Garrison Keillor  41. Walt Disney  42. Indescribable transcendent moments of connection and oneness with the Universe and Goddess  43. Untamed, wild places  44. The Chanupa  45. Minnesota  46. Root Beer  47. Foreign Accents  48. Massage  49. Giving and receiving Reiki  50. All things Celtic  51. Ceremony and Ritual  52. Breathing Space  53. Charles Schulz  54. Iluminated Manuscripts and Calligraphic Fonts  55. Feathers  56. Bells  57. Stephen Hawking  58. John Keats  59. Words and Languages  60. Lost histories just waiting to be rediscovered  61. The rattle of arrows on my back and the curve of the bow in my hand  62. Creativity in all it's myriad forms  63. Gene Kelly  64. IDIC (Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations)  65. Cold yet sunny days  66. Muppets  67. Errol Flynn  68. Books  69. Sherwood Flashback Moments  70. The ever-growing presence of the Divine Feminine in the world  71. Healing Tears  72. Cuddling and Affection  73. Shakespeare  74. Swans  75. William Shatner  76. Rainbows  77. Paper and Ink  78. Pizza  79. The abundant Love that surrounds me from seen and unseen sources  80. Jeshua  81. Colors  82. Laughter -- uproarious, unfettered, teary-eyed, cheek-aching, belly laughter (notably while watching Whose Line Is It Anyway)  83. Romantic Comedies  84. Stupid Jokes, Intelligent Humor, and Grasshoppers who walk into bars  85. Gregorian Chant  86. Tai Chi  87. Chai Tea  88. Serenity  89. Animal Companionship - this world and other world  90. Intimacy  91. Freedom  92. Nora Jones  93. Elvis (Thank you. Thank you very much.)  94. Kindness  95. Passion  96. Campfires and Fireplaces  97. Self expression through the arts, particularly Comics  98. The Spirit that lives in all things  99. My quirky, dorky, awesome family  100. All my accomplishments thus far and all the help I've received to get here  101. Breakfast

...And once again, Thank YOU for reading!

    

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

To Hel With Me

I recently had my first taste of a type of shamanism I had not experienced before. "Seidr" (pronounced "sigh-th") is a reconstruction of the Old Norse shamanic traditions, and, growing up in Minnesota, Norwegian influences were everywhere, forming a subtle texture to the wallpaper of my childhood, making me naturally drawn to things of Nordic origin.  I've always had a soft spot for the Norse gods -- enjoying the stories of Thor and the Midgard serpent as a child, identifying deeply with the purity of Baldr, and having personal connections with Odin, whether through talking with him first hand or seeing his ravens sent to watch over me on my Vision Quest.

I had been wanting to attend a Seidr "High Seat" ceremony for awhile, and situations finally conspired to allow me to do so. This ceremony is a mediumistic oracular ritual where human 'volvas' sit, literally, on a High Seat while seekers may come forward and sit on the floor before them to ask questions of the Norse dieties who speak through the volvas. 

As I sat with a friend awaiting the beginning of the ceremony, I mentioned to her that I was slightly, and unexpectedly, kind of anxious. She sort of chortled and said, "You know what that means. There must be something big you're going to get out of this."  I replied, with a grin, "I know. That's what I'm afraid of..."  She asked if I had a question for the Oracle and I replied, "Not that I know of." 

A pair of volvas ascended the High Seat where they sat side by side with veils covering their faces and their staffs of power in their hands.  The ceremony began when we started singing to them, the rhythm and melody guiding the priestesses to that place where they connect with the Divine. We knew when to cease our singing because each volva held an autumn leaf in her hand, and when their journey's destination was reached, they'd release the leaf to fall gently to the floor. 

This month, because it is the time of the year when the veil between the worlds is the thinnest, the deity speaking was the compassionate aspect of Hela, or Hel (Yes, it is she whom the Christian hell is named after), Norse goddess of the Underworld, the focus being on our beloved dead and on healing our ancestral lines. 

The first couple seekers were rather somber, as might be expected in interactions with any god or goddess of the Underworld, and I listened as almost every word spoken by Hela applied to my own path. However, since being at another crossroads myself and uncertain of my way, I decided rather than get informational run-off from others' questions, the direct approach was probably more appropriate. 

With a nod to and then returned from the woman who was leading the ceremony and monitoring the energies there of, I rise and move toward the volvas. "A seeker approaches," announces the leader as I take my seat on the pillow at their feet. 

It felt very "Delphic Oracle" to me, and I easily imagined myself in an earlier age as I looked up at the dark, hooded figures now focused on me, their faces shrouded in shadow. I was not the only one in the room to perceive a shift in the energy as I sat down. Not only did there seem to be a lightening of the previous somber mood and energy, but both volvas shifted in their seats, straightening up and relaxing their postures. 



There was no mechanical recording, so the following is from notes that someone wrote during the interaction.  I seem to recall things that weren't written down, but being in that numinous presence between the worlds at the time, where more than just words were exchanged, the majority of the experience dissolved almost instantly, like cotton candy, leaving nothing but the sweet taste behind.

Me:  I'm at a crossroads where much excites and scares me. I seek what information and wisdom you can give me as I begin my journey.

Hela:  (Laughing) I would not say you are a beginner. You are a brave man. Brave. (Extends hand) What you need is inside of you. You have more than you need.  The journey began long ago.  It is time.

Many times you have traveled, many times you seek.

Such joy.  There is a deep joy in you.

You are remembering a piece that has been lost of your lineage.  It is important that it is written down. That it is passed on to others.  You are an -- unconventional -- teacher.  A healer.  A man of honor.  You have done the work.  You have permission. There is much love for you.  You don't walk alone.  You will be welcomed wherever you wander. You go in kindness.

There is medicine for the earth in you.  The interweaving of lands.  Mixing the soils.  Nature is asking for your assistance.  There is a power to awaken what was dormant.

Step with care.  Don't get caught up in any specific way.  Listen -- you know how -- for which way is needed.  Do not be afraid to do this service.  It will come naturally.  However, sometimes guidance is helpful to distill.  Reconnect.  Do not get lost.

You can find joy in all things, but you do have a mission, and goals.  You have only been given those dreams you may accomplish.  Do not be afraid of your song.  All there is to do is show up.  Try.  It will happen.

You're creating a path.  This is easy for you.  Do not follow where others have gone.  Listen for what can be done.  Release that which can not.

There will always be crossroads.  You crossed the threshold long ago.  (Giggling) You already are that which scares you.  It is too late.  Rejoice in this.   

Trust. Trust it is within you already.  You are a force for good in this world.

We are pleased.  Do not despair.  We support you.  You do not walk alone.  With you goes great love. Always.

(Extends hand)... 


...You are blessed!


If I'd had doubts beforehand about my path and the direction I am headed, Hela quelled all those fears. I felt renewed empowerment and again trusted my own inner voice and guidance.  One of the woman who was a volva mentioned afterwards how much genuine affection they felt while Hela spoke to me.  

One thing that really popped out at me was the fact that at one point Hela had used the exact words "Medicine for the Earth."  This may not seem to have much significance until you realize that this is the name of a book, and of a 5-day course by Sandra Ingerman -- The woman I consider my personal shamanic teacher, who is the best I know of, and the most world-changing course I've ever taken which single-handedly transmogrified my perspective, and everything I believe, forever.  It is also a course I fully intend on teaching once I complete Sandra Ingerman's Two-Year Teacher Training that begins in April.

For now I'm still processing Hela's message. There is another High Seat I'm attending this coming weekend in which I'm looking forward to hear what the Norns (The Norse version of the Fates) have to say. We'll see if having such a 'Hel' of a good time is "Norn-al."  ;)


Sunday, October 26, 2014

Belly of the Beast

It is a curious time for me. Curiouser and curiouser. It is the best of times, it is the worst of times. There have been so many shifts lately that there is no single area of my life that has remained unchanged. 

I have touched on the most significant development in earlier posts, and that is the re-recognition of myself as an introvert. The magnitude of what that means is way outside the scope of this entry, being a whole entire post, or twenty, unto its self, but it changes everything.  The effects of it has been to drive me deeper into myself. Run silent, run deep. 

I have long felt like I am skipping across the surface of my life like a stone across a pond. There is all this depth beneath me, holding me up, yet I am stuck glancing off the very top of it.  That's not to say my life is totally superficial or that my path hasn't been in steady development for the duration of my lifetime thus far. In fact I had a great compliment from a former teacher recently who told me how much my medicine had deepened.  Comparatively, though, there is so much more! It's like the difference between Newtonian and Quantum Physics. When the basic parameters of reality itself shifts, you suddenly realize that everything you've ever known, believed, and experienced exists within an even bigger framework, and that there are other basic forces beneath and supporting what you had, up to that point, believed were the basic forces of creation in the Universe. It's like something that's two-dimensional suddenly being given a third dimension.  I don't know if that even makes sense. There is a futility of words to explain all of this. Another analogy is that it's like having a book on your shelf that brings you joy by it's simply being there -- maybe the cover is beautiful or the title speaks to your soul -- yet you haven't actually read it. You might know what it's about in essence, and sense its depth, which perhaps does make you feel a little bit good when you see it on the shelf, but that is nothing compared to the worlds you will discover when you finally dive into it's pages. 

What it really comes down to is the difference between knowing something and being something.  It is the difference between having tools and using tools.  It is taking all the things I've learned on this path and applying them. It is the journey from the Mind to the Heart.  

Regardless, I can not describe the hungry, gnawing, cravings I have lived with, longing for that depth for so long,  nor the frustration and despair that has developed around the failure to heed that call, no matter what the seeming obstacle was -- Knowing there was more but not knowing how to reach it.  

Gratefully clarity has slowly crept in and, though I do not know the way yet, I do not know more than the first few steps, I know there is a journey I can not not undertake.  Everything in my life has led me to this point, standing at this crossroads, ready to embrace everything I have come into this life to do, to experience, to be.  And again words fail to express what I'm truly trying to say here or to express how I truly feel.

A little over a year ago, I had an experience at Faerieworlds, the annual faerie festival I attend in Oregon.  I was just dancing with the rest of the crowd to a Pagan rock band when I suddenly had to stop.  Full brakes.  As in, I couldn't move. It was like my head had exploded in a burst of light. Boom! Crown chakra and third eye blown wide open. And in that moment I felt/experienced him/me that I came here to be.  I don't want to say there was a sense of urgency, but it became very clear that it was time to let go of all the things I hold onto that restrict me and keep me back from realizing that True Self.  When I came back to my senses and back to the present me, I carefully waded out of the crowd and made my way to the stone circle that stood in the middle of the site.  Not caring who was around or what they might think, I unceremoniously plopped myself down on the ground at the center of the circle where I laid back with my arms spread from my sides and my knees in the air with my feet planted firmly on the earth.  I laid there, and laid there, and laid there looking up at the stars and at Cassiopeia who smiled back down upon me.   

And so this is my course.  I have been given a glimpse of my destination, for this juncture of my Earth Walk anyway.  But this past year has been full of practice runs and gathering resources because I wasn't sure where the trailhead was.  It wasn't until my reintroduction to my introvert nature that I discovered the entrance to the trail.  I'd been living a two-dimensional life, and the third dimension was within.

Since that time I have been left with a mental visual of standing next to a great sea, velvety black, and thick almost like molasses, and sparkling with the light of it's own stars.  I am on the very edge, the gentle waves just kissing my toes, and there is a longing deep in my heart to enter those dark waters, a calling of the Sirens, a home-sickness, and I muse that I know about the Unicorn in my soul, but perhaps there is Selkie in my blood as well.

And I know exactly what sea it is.  For many, many years now I've developed my ever-deepening Personal Mythology, a big part of which is my Soul Map, one version-in-progess of which is below.  The inspiration came from a college assignment given to my ex-wife, and my map has been growing and changing and developing ever since, matching metaphorically my own spiritual growth and development. 



My Soul Map
A cartographic representation of my developing soul 

Just to give you an example, there is a mountain in the middle of my island -- bearing remarkable and uncanny resemblances to Mt. Rainier -- called Mt. "Sai Phong," which loosely translates as "Little Phoenix," named for the legends that say it is a volcano with a phoenix sleeping deep inside (as well as for the fact that it was Bruce Lee's Chinese birth name).  The locals are prideful of their Mountain and it's dormant resident, while at the same time they live in fear of the destruction that would ensue should that power ever be released, should the phoenix ever awaken. This story perfectly suited my state of mind when I first moved out to Seattle from Minnesota, recognizing this great power within me, but afraid of unleashing it.  As I've grown through the years, doing much work to step into and own my power, a funny thing has happened to this mountain in the middle of my soul.  It was discovered that this was not a volcano, nor was it even a mountain of stone, but rather it was a mountain of ice, and the ice had begun to melt.  This water had been frozen to protect the heart of the island, but it was starting to flow. Something was awakening, and it was the heart -- And it did not need protecting. Oh, there were and are occasionally floods of the surrounding lands, but for the most part these waters have begun to irrigate and nurture parts of the island, parts of my soul, that were barren and dry, resulting in dense greenery where none had grown,  and more bountiful harvests for the surrounding agricultural communities.


Soul Map insert 
close up of Mt Sai Phong and the N. Adequa Sea

So if you look on the map above, a little northeast of Mt. Sai Phong (toward the bottom of the island on the map) is a swirling body of water. This is the infamous N. Adequa Sea (Inadequacy -- get it?) and it is a dangerous place to be caught on, for without  pattern or warning the entire surface can just drop away, swirling into a massive maelstrom which carries with it to its briny bottom, anything caught in the inescapable clutches of its currents.

This 'flushing' action was a daily, if not hourly, occurrence in the days (and years) of my panic attacks and depression, when every shred of strength and stability I'd mustered would fall away, like the proverbial rug being pulled out, with the bottom of my stomach sinking suddenly to the floor at my feet, leaving me with no solid footing or sense of power whatsoever.  Granted, in the subsequent years the waters have calmed considerably.  There have been storms and whirl pools of varying depths, but generally nothing like the great maelstroms of previous times.  

It had long been theorized by scientists that there must be some sort of valve at the bottom of the sea which, when triggered, would empty the sea's contents into the greater ocean.  There were also legends of a great serpent who lived at the bottom of the briny deep, and it was said it was he who either controlled the aforementioned valve, or actually created the swirling doom by agitatedly swimming in circles beneath the waves.  

More recent discoveries have proven the latter legend half true.  There is a serpent, but he does not live in the sea.  It is the sea that lives in the serpent.  Beneath the surface of the island there is a tremendous serpent whose wide open mouth, pointing to the heavens forms the perimeters of this sea.  And it is when the serpent swallows that the surface of the sea plunges to unfathomable depths, into the belly of the beast. 

There is a stone circle that skirts the edge of the sea, and up til now archeologists believed it to be a sacred site built by an unknown ancient people, perhaps as a warning to anyone who would unwittingly try these treacherous waters, or as a place of worship, honoring the spirit of the great serpent who dwelt beneath the waves. With this new information coming to light, however, it has become clear that the stones forming the circle are in fact the teeth of the behemoth. 


I find it interesting that as I'm realizing the depths of my connection with Snake and his inherent gifts and challenges -- transmuting poison to medicine, shedding the old to expand into the new, etc -- that I discover another serpent in my personal mythos. 

I had always assumed that the goal was to calm the waters and prevent the occurrence of crises, to prevent the great maelstroms and storms of inadequacies, thinking that this would make me stable and safe.  I thought I had to tame the seas and thus would I regain my power.  In more recent years as a whole new outlook has taken hold of my reality and I can no longer view things in a dualistic manner, I realize more and more that this is not the answer.  The answer is not in avoiding something and trying to control it from afar, but it is in diving in and finding the Truth at the basis of those things that drain my sense of power.  Intellectually I know there is no truth beneath the feelings of inadequacy I've felt all my life -- The feelings are valid but the thought and reasons behind those feelings are untrue. To regain my power, to become the man I came here to be,  those unexamined fears that are the source of such fallacies must be faced. I am no longer interested in battling or slaying my demons.  They are simply unintegrated portions of myself that must be welcomed, in balance and compassion, back into the whole.  Easily said, but the fears are still there.  That is where the adventure comes in.  

In the back of my mind is that guided meditation I experienced years ago when the sea turtle I was riding chose to dive rather than to return me to shore as the meditation facilitator had prompted.  Deeper and deeper into darker and darker waters I plunged, perched on the shell of my aquatic steed.  And somewhere in the pitch blackness, amid my rising fear and anxiety, I heard the voice of Goddess, "What could possibly be here that isn't me?" 

And so I stand poised at the edge of the churning, dark waves.  What lies beneath them I can not imagine. All I know is that I can no longer resist the siren song of my soul.  There is nothing now to hold me back.  I must answer. I must plunge into the belly of the beast for what could possibly be there that isn't me?


Saturday, October 4, 2014

Embrace Leopard, Return to Mountain

Actually the original phrase this post is named after is "Embrace Tiger, Return to Mountain."  It is the name of a set of Tai Chi moves, and there seems to be a lot of debate over the meaning of the phrase.  The one that resonates with me, though, is one where the "Embrace Tiger" part refers to the claiming of one's power -- gathering and owning of every bit of your power no matter how wild, scattered, misunderstood, light, or shadow.  In other words it is integration. In Chinese Mythology the gods are shown riding tigers, but for a mortal to do so shows a willingness to face difficult powers, situations, and challenges.  In fact part of Embracing Tiger means you are facing the tiger.  Tigers will generally not attack from the front, but prefer to sneak up behind their prey.  For this reason many people in tiger territory wear masks on the back of their heads to keep tigers from attacking from the rear. So to Embrace Tiger you have to turn around to face whatever it is that is hunting you, your personal demons, and embrace, accept, love them.  Once you have done so you can "Return to Mountain." Return to stillness, source, home

Embracing one's own power and returning home.  I can not tell you how appropriate this is in representing where I am on my path right now.  


So in my version, how did Tiger shift into Leopard?  A few weeks ago, in the weekly "Totem Tuesday" post on my Perching Wolf Studios Facebook page, I covered Snow Leopard.  I have worked with Snow Leopard for years so already have a close relationship with him, but in the process of looking deeper into his medicine, I read some things that resonated with me, particularly something that spoke of  "the two-legged beside whom Snow Leopard walks." Holy crap that's me!  I realized I had the perfect guide to the higher realms as I set out on an inner journey of self-discovery.  




It's interesting that one aspect of Snow Leopard's medicine is about integration, as above, and always returning to the light.  Another interesting thing I discovered when researching the original phrase is that there are some who claim the translation of the aforementioned phrase from Chinese is Leopard rather than Embrace.  And there is Indian folklore of a big cat that is a cross between Leopard and Tiger that they call a 'Dogla.'  But that's another tangent which may or may not play into this journey of mine... 

So, fully cognizant of the beginning of a new Hero's Journey, I officially asked Snow Leopard to be my guide.  As I've noticed with other journey's beginnings, though I am filled with wonder and excitement about what I will uncover and find, there is also a certain amount of resistance, and downright dread that undermines the excitement.  These past couple weeks, rather than an increase in power I have felt doubtful, self-judgmental, and scared, asking myself if I'm sure I'm not crazy.  Rather than clarity, my head has been filled with a tired fuzziness.  It's been all I can do sometimes to just get out of bed in the morning and get to my day job.   


The other night I went to sleep on my couch, as I sometimes do when I'm feeling lost and/or lonely. Being able to snuggle into two soft, cushy surfaces makes me feel more secure, like being held.  As I was falling asleep, I asked Nathaniel to come watch over me while I slept. He was there instantly, and I actually shed a few tears in relief. I nuzzled in to the back of the couch which had become his side, the pillow was his shoulder, and then I felt him arch his neck around so his head rested, in turn, on my side. 




I slept exceptionally well, my habitual defenses retracted and relaxed knowing someone else was on guard. And so it wasn't until I began to rouse toward morning that awareness dawned on me of the presence of another guardian who had slipped between the veils of the night to join my stalwart, ungulate companion on watch. 

I felt and saw the cat though my back was toward where he lounged, casually licking the pads of an enormous paw. He stopped and looked up, realizing I'd sensed him, then pausing just long enough to cast a penetrating stare, he returned to cleaning his pads. The strange thing is that it was like he couldn't settle on which big cat he wanted to be. Oh, the majority of his time was spent as a snow leopard, but every so often the features of a white tiger superimposed themselves briefly over the snowy face.  

When I fully awoke I realized Snow Leopard had answered my request, though I'm still looking forward to finding out more about the Leopard/Tiger connection.  And it was this experience that spurred on the research into this post's title phrase.  Since that night I have been aware of Snow Leopard following me around my day job, not so much hearing as feeling his huge paws plodding on the concrete warehouse floor behind me, kind of like feeling the boom of a canon. 


At the beginning of this year I declared it my personal Year of Blazing Trails, and I have noticed when I make such declarations that it is generally not until the Autumn of that year that I start to notice the effects. So here I am in the tenth month of the year setting out to blaze trails, to explore, and to discover my undiscovered countries.









Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Thundering Surrender

A couple months ago I went back to Minnesota to celebrate my parents' 50th Anniversary with my family. It was an almost unprecedented visit as all five siblings, plus their respective families, were present in the same place at the same time.  Our celebration took the form of four days of camping in Grand Marais, on the North Shore of Lake Superior where we had camped countless times when we siblings were growing up.  

We are a very close family, whom I love more than words can say, and we are also a whirl wind of opinions and preferences and expectations that do not always align with each other.  Being who I am, Mr Sensitive-Introvert, it is easy for me to get lost in the whirl wind, and I found myself constantly repeating to myself the words Artemis is always whispering to me -- "Be the eye of the storm."  It was difficult to maintain my boundaries and individuality until something magickal happened.

On one of the days we were there, we traveled a little further North to visit a water falls at a state park that was just south of the Canadian border. We gathered at the information building and then, as is the nature of our group, half of our populace darted ahead while the other half dragged behind. 

I found myself in the first group who seemed to be almost in a race to find the falls, so, not surprisingly, when I lingered to close my eyes and greet the Spirit of this place, I suddenly found myself alone. I felt almost suspended between the two halves of my family. 

My brain niggled me to hurry and catch up with the first group. But my heart said no. This was the eye of the storm. The calm and quiet that washed over me was palpable. 

It was at this point that it struck me -- I didn't need to string myself out to the point of depletion in the 'energy overwhelm/over-stimulation' mode that is common to introverts when they spend too much time around others, and then totally crash when I get home and am able to finally spend restorative time alone, gulping in the solitude like a swimmer does air after being under water too long.  No, I needed to pepper the time spent with others with moments of solitude, like the breathing rhythm of a dolphin surfacing for air then diving beneath the waves, then surfacing again. 

I took a deep breath and let it out. "Pheeewwww!" Then something else struck me. I was not alone. These woods were thick with spirits! I mean, it was like walking through soup. And they beckoned me forward...


My steps and my heart were suddenly lighter as I practically pranced down the path, spinning in circles, my arms slightly outstretched from my sides, and my hands and face upraised in gratitude to the welcome I felt here. Only later was I to find out that this park was on Reservation land, and still in the care of the tribe whose home this had been for longer than America had been a country.  This land was teaming with the spirits of the ancestors.

Shortly I found, off to the side of the paved path, a dirt trail snaking down into the trees. "I'd better stay on the real path so I don't get lost, or damage wildlife, or make my family worry about where I am..." Is what my brain said. But it was too late. My heart had control of my feet and they were already traversing the uneven trail into the trees and into whatever unknown vista lie beyond them. This was the proverbial 'Road Less Travelled' and I realized how perfect it was, particularly following my earlier revelation. "Yes," I thought, "This is the 'Shaman's Path'."

Beyond the branches and the brush, the scene opened up onto lush grasses, dotted with an occasional purple flower...

 

...eventually easing down to the Pigeon river.

Interesting that Pigeon medicine, the name-sake of this particular river, is about coming home... 


I could hear the falls ahead so, rather than returning to the pavement and being led on my way, I continued on my dirt trail that now paralleled the river. The uneven ground kept me present in my body and aware of my connection to the earth on which I strode, and the brush of leaves and branches against my arms made this a more intimate journey -- I was part of my environment, connected to the land, rather than just observing it from a distance on a cold, black-top path. And there was a swirling energy of exhilaration as my spirit danced with the vibrant spirits of this land. Definitely the Shaman's path. 

My solitary path soon rejoined the main one and I heard the buzz of my family ahead, up on the boardwalks that over look the falls. I joined them feeling remarkably refreshed by my little solo jaunt through the woods. Then I saw the falls. Never, I believe, have I ever felt so moved by waterfalls as I was at that moment. I was literally awestruck. I don't know if I even said another word as I mingled and posed for photos with my family, always intensely aware of the falls. 

Eventually my family wandered off, back toward the information center, leaving me alone to swim through and drink in the power of this place and the Spirit that permeated everything here. 

For the longest, timeless moment I just stood there.  Staring.  In awe. My mind kept looking for words with which to connect with the Spirit of the Falls, but my heart was already there, already one. Finally I asked, "Do you have a message for me?" The single word, whispered answer echoed in my head... "Surrender."

I looked again at the cascading waters, struck by another "Aha!" moment. This incredible, thundering power that you could viscerally feel pounding on your skin was the result of surrender. The waters had no agenda or force of will. They were not leaping into space, nor were they throwing, flinging, or casting themselves over the edge of the cliff. The waters are neutral energetically. They have no force of their own, but rather total nonresistance to all fores acting upon them, be they temperature, pressure, or gravity.  No resistance.  None.

In a class with Sandra Ingerman we had performed shamanic journeys where we merged with the various elements.  When I merged with the familiar waters of Puget Sound, I experienced first hand this total nonresistance.  Every sensual ripple from a passing boat or the flip of a fin washed over and through me in a new wave of ecstasy.  Every rise or drop in temperature yielded a corresponding rise or drop in me, again being very sensuous as portions of me slid across other portions of me. Though I had no initial mode of movement in and of my self, I was in constant, rolling, bubbling motion. Joyful, blissful motion. 

Because I could not be destroyed, not even one single particle, there was an absolutely complete absence of fear. With that absence came the absolutely complete freedom to let go of everything.  I needn't hold on or cling to anything. I was open to experience every minuscule vibration.  That is ultimate Freedom. That is ultimate Surrender. 

And That was the surrender I was witnessing at the falls, the waters giving no shred of resistance at all to the pushes and pulls of gravity. And yet, from that absolute surrender comes this incredible force, so powerful it runs a huge portion of the civilized world's electrical needs. 

The power of surrender.

The awareness of time slowly seeps back into my brain and I realize I need to head back. Because I don't have my normal offering of tobacco with me, I cock my head and run my fingers through my hair until several errant strands stream from my hand. I close my eyes and connect with the spirits of this place, and thank them profusely for such a profound visit. Opening my eyes I release the strands of hair, my meager offering, over the edge of the railing.

Reluctantly I turn back to the paved path and make my way back through the thick spirit soup of these woods, vowing to myself that I would renew my study of Taoism - The Watercourse Way.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Leave It To Beaver

Not long ago I wrote a blog post about a journey I did where I met some beavers (Those Dam Beavers).  The interesting thing, as with many journeys, is that sometimes it is waaaaaaay after the fact when some additional meaning falls into place.

This journey was in reference to my latest adventure with a blood clot and how to heal it (which, by the way, is now officially healed, which means I am back off the blood thinners and able to eat my veggies again!).  In the course of talking to the lead beaver, he'd told me that I'd been "too busy."  I have to admit that, though I kinda got a sense of what he meant, I didn't totally comprehend the deeper meaning.

It had been my being 'too busy' that had dammed up my veins, creating the clot.  I was expending too much energy running around trying to figure things out but nothing was really getting done, thus I was just spinning my wheels and all that excess energy was being internalized.  With no where to go, this energy inundated my system, swelling and blocking my river of blood.  That's the part I got.  Kinda. Still, I wondered, if it wasn't reshaping my outer world, was I really too busy?  I still had to get things done, right?

Once I began to get on with my life I started slowing down a bit, and spending a little more time outside in Nature at special personal sacred spots to recharge my batteries.  Through this I began to taste an increasingly intoxifying wellspring that I'd all but forgotten about.  I began to plum depths of my soul that I hadn't swam through in years.  I started remembering who I am.

Thats when the bigger meaning sank in. Ooooooooooh! Right! That whole action/stillness/action/stillness thing, like breathing -- inhale/exhale/inhale/exhale. It's the same death/rebirth cycle I talk of so often. The seed requires the dark, silent womb of the earth to sleep in before sprouting forth into the sunlight to express in action and growth the deepest dreams it dreamed while sleeping in the earth.  And we can not run endlessly without rest and rejuvenation. The metaphors are endless, but what it comes down to is, to make effective change in the world -- to create the world and life I want that reflects my True Self -- I actually need to be in touch with that True Self.  I have to be that True Self.  This brings to mind (again) what Sandra Ingerman says: "It's not what you do but who you become that changes the world." I have to remember how to just be again.

The biggest, brightest bulb of revelation in this whole experience has to be the rediscovery and re-indentification of myself as an Introvert. Ironically it was the entering of a new relationship that really brought this home for me as I needed to juggle together-time and alone-time. I remember years ago, while talking to my counselor, how totally blown away I was  when she, almost casually, remarked, "You know, the common denominator of everything we're talking about seems to be your need for space, whether it's mental, emotional, or physical." I was dumbstruck by the absolute truth of that statement.

And so to validate this need, and to legitimize my seemingly abnormal requirements for space I delved into researching introversion, having read a really good book on it called The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney some years ago when I was still married, and when it was basically the only information out there on the subject.  I was pleasantly surprised, and ironically a little overwhelmed, by the wealth of info I found and the number of introverts that had come out of the closet in the intervening years to share their experiences and normalize this misunderstood temperament.  And the deeper I delved, the more of myself I recognized, and the more I realized that a huge number of things that I thought were wrong with me, that needed correcting, were actually hard-wired into me and, in a society that glorifies the extrovert, I just never learned, to this day, how to truly take care of myself.  I realized this is why my marriage broke up.  I realized this is why I started having anxiety and panic attacks.  I realized a lot of things and unnecessary hardships and struggles in my life were caused by this simple lack of recognition of who I am and how I work, and thus how to take care of myself.

There is a small part of me that grieves the last 7 or 8 years since my divorce and how much different it could have been had I learned these things earlier and been able to give myself the space I needed to, for example, spend time alone some weekends watching mindless movies without feeling guilty that I wasn't accomplishing anything.  How different it would have been to recognize my processes and allow my buried true self to emerge.

But all things in their time!  That is the past and my point of power is in the present! I am learning now, amidst much excitement and a sense of remembering something long forgotten, a deeper level of who I am.  Another layer of the onion has been peeled away.  Not only am I learning to ask for the space I require within relationships, whatever they are, in order to maintain a healthy relationship, I'm learning to give to myself those same necessities of space --quality space-- to allow the inner processes, which my outer reality depends on, to flow uninhibited.  I'm beginning to be more serious about the importance of fitting meditation and Tai-chi into my schedule as well as solitude time in Nature.  And most of all I am enjoying and loving the person I am finding buried beneath it all.

So golly thanks Beave. You've helped make life more swell.


Monday, May 19, 2014

Being Shaman

I had an interesting and profound experience recently and wanted to write it down so I didn't lose its significance in the backwaters of my mind...

In the past few months my day job has moved to a different warehouse.  Fortunately the new place was not far away, and we had experience under our belts from a similar move just a few years ago. But in the place we left, there was this magickal little pond, kitty corner across the street, where I spent many a lunch break in contemplation and healing (for instance in my post The Healing Is Mutual).  So, having made such a connection with the Spirit of this place, I wanted to honor that connection and officially say good-bye, since I didn't know if or when I might be there again.

On one of my last days at the old warehouse, I grabbed my bag of tobacco, that I always keep in my glove box for just such an occasion, and headed to the pond, where I sat in the green, springtime grass, cross-legged with my tobacco-offering on my lap.  I closed my eyes and connected with the Spirit of the Land.  In so doing, I let go of everything and felt my consciousness slide down between the atoms and molecules of everything around me.

Whoa! When spiritual teachers and/or quantum physicists talk about our oneness with everything, I have the experience to know it is not just figurative or metaphorical, because I've been there! There are no words to describe this.  None.

And as I basked there in the ecstasy of this sea of being, something came to me. Being a Shaman really is about Being a Shaman.  It is in the Being -- true, aware being -- that the power is.  In simply Being is recognized the oneness (or perhaps more correctly, non-duality) of the Universe, where-in lies the Honoring of the Spirits that surround us and are part of us.  And it is in this connection, without doing a thing, that the Shaman is able to heal.  Being and Honoring.  Acting may come from or be inspired by that, but those are the two necessary ingredients, without which actions are hollow and unproductive.

I opened my eyes just enough to take a pinch of tobacco and sprinkle it on the earth, repeating again to make an offering for all four directions, as well as for the Spirits of the Upper World, the Lower World, and all the compassionate Spirits who flowed around me where I sat in the Middle World.  It seemed a pittance compared to the gratitude swelling in my heart for this experience.
 
There are no words for the way I felt as I walked back to work after that. None. 


Monday, May 12, 2014

A Dweam Wiffin A Dweam

I had a feeling this was going to be a good year!  Actually the things that have made this a banner year began at the end of last year, although I can possibly see the very twinkling beginnings of it way last Summer while driving down to Faerieworlds with my dear friend Sarah.  She informed me that you're suppose to make a wish when you see a hay truck.  Well, seeing as Faerieworlds happens around Lughnasadh in late-July/early-August during the first harvest of the year, hay trucks were bountiful between Seattle, Washington and Eugene, Oregon.  Whenever I spotted one my response was the same -- "Wuv! Twue Wuv!"

Life moved on and come December I had a huge revelation, and what basically amounted to a soul retrieval, when I was reconnected with a magickal childhood part of myself that had been missing.  I once more discovered, and renewed my faith in, Santa Claus, actually meeting the jolly old elf himself. That is a whole 'nother story in itself that you can read in my earlier post, Yes Virginia.  But one of the things Santa had told me during this encounter was, "It's about time we make a dream of yours come true."


Later that month I found myself in a relationship... kind of. I'd met this woman earlier, and there were definite connections and sparks between us, but we never quite seemed to connect in the right way to make anything long-term out of it.  There were logistics, as well as mismatching perspectives of what was happening, so it became this revolving on again/off again, hot then cold type thing. Eventually, I realized that this wan't working, that this was not the relationship I was looking for.  I did want something long-term, and though I know relationships take hard work and investment to thrive, the work we were putting into this non-relationship was not helping either one of us and was not moving forward.

It was then that I decided that with all the things I've read, and learned, and accomplished in the past twenty-odd some years on this particular branch of my spiritual path, that I needed to actually apply them.  Beyond being just pretty sayings to make me feel better when I was down or feeling victimized, it was time to embody all those things and really create the life I've been wanting, desiring, and craving. All the things I'd learned and all the things I've been teaching people center around creating your reality and empowering yourself.  These were not tools for just getting by, as I'd been doing for some time now, but they were the keys to fly.

So I sat myself down and asked myself, "What was it I really wanted in a relationship?"  I got clear and I felt it and I knew that not only did I deserve it, I already had it.  Then I let it go.

Come Christmas Eve and, as is my annual tradition, I left a letter along with some eggnog and cookies for Santa, next to some organic carrots for the reindeer.  This was my letter:



Dear Santa,

Thank you for stopping by.  I forgot to ask for my Delorean, but that's okay.  You can bring that next year.

This year if you can just bring me True Love, that's all I ask. =)

Thank you Santa! I love you so much!!


*

Jump ahead a couple months and I had another otherworldly encounter that I totally missed the point of, but which in hindsight was another piece of the puzzle.  I was attending this workshop on dreams, and at the beginning of the class the teacher had us all close our eyes as she set sacred space.  When I closed mine, though, try as I might to follow along with what the teacher was saying I found I couldn't because my third eye was all a-buzz and tingling.  I opened my third eye, the chakra of inner visions that rests between your outer eyes, and there in front of me was the massive head of Ganesha, the elephant-headed Hindu god.  This was not just a mere vision, however, because I could feel his forehead touching mine, third eye to third eye.  I've worked with, and had visions of Ganesha before, but nothing like this.  I had been seeing Ganesha all day, in tattoos, magazine adds, and stuff, but this was totally unexpected.

And that wasn't the end of it.  The next day I tried to take my usual lunch-time nap at work, but every time I closed my eyes, there was Ganesha.  This happened a few times and after seeing him in various dances or stances, I finally said, "Okay. You have my attention.  What do you want to tell me?"  Then just his gigantic eyeball loomed in front of my face, and he tells me, "The path is now clear for the fruition of your dreams."

At the time it sounded nice and encouraging, but I had no idea how pertinent his message really was, or how soon it would manifest.  It was within a week or two of that occurrence when the real magick started to happen.

One random day, I received this random Facebook message and friend request from this random woman.  She had just attended a workshop by one of my shamanic teachers, and she just randomly happened to be on Facebook when this teacher began 'liking' things there.  Curious as to what this well known shamanic teacher likes on Facebook, this random woman checked out some of  the 'likes' left in the wake of the teacher.  Lo and behold, one of the things she'd liked was a comic of mine:
          

First off all, this Random Woman has her own connections to White Buffalo Calf Woman. Second, she felt she had to find out who this man was who would actually post drawings of himself in his vulnerability and tears.  Following the thread (the Golden Thread ;)) she discovered this blog you are now reading.  At the time, however, the most recent post was the one about my ER visit concerning the blood clot I had in my leg (Stayin Alive).   

 So the aforementioned random message I received from this Random Woman one random day was one of compassion, that she was sending healing and was hoping I was alright. But wait! There's more! Along with her kind and caring words she sent a picture... 


Now I ask you -- How can you NOT respond to someone who sends you a picture they drew of a bunny?! Of course I did a little checking myself to see who this Random Woman was, and when I saw her photo, my first question honestly was, "How do I know this woman? Do I know this woman? I do know this woman, but how? From where?"  That prompted me to do something I hardly ever do.  I accepted her friend request without knowing anything about her. 

I replied to let her know I was doing fine and to thank her for the bunny.  Having a lot in common -- this particular teacher (whose Two-Year Teacher Training we had signed up for independently of each other), shamanism, dreams and goals -- the conversation grew, spilling quickly from Facebook to texts, to phone calls, to Skype.  With the growing conversation, so too grew our connection and feelings, yet we both were cognizant of tendencies to rush into things so we held back as best we could, attempting to not get ahead of ourselves.  I mean we hadn't even met in person yet, right? Well, as the fates would have it, she just happened to be going to another workshop of our teacher, flying to California from her New York state home, so it was a snap to divert her flight to Seattle (a place where she was already thinking of moving to be closer to her BC family).  

I won't say our meeting went off without a hitch. There were/are a few things to sort out, but it also felt totally worth sorting them out rather than letting those things be a reason to call it quits. She did seem to be authentically who she seemed to be.  And the connection was definitely there, as we took turns melting under the other one's gaze. And we both kept asking, "Is this really happening?"

The last day together during that first meeting, I showed her this --
 
--She says that's when I really captured her heart... 

So, almost three months later I still hesitate to say that she's "The One" because I've felt and said that same thing in the past with others who weren't, but by staying present and open, and communicating authentically I can see a possible day, years down the line, where I wake up one morning and say, "I guess you were The One."  Forever is an after-effect of being present in every moment.  And in the moment, I'm in love.


Monday, March 17, 2014

Those Dam Beavers

I realized recently that I hadn't posted to my blog for quite a while, that the last post was about my Emergency Room experience with a blood clot, and that I should probably post something else if for no other reason than to let people know that I have not shuffled off this mortal coil, met an untimely end, and am not an ex-human (though there are times I do pine for the fjords).  In fact I am doing very well, getting healthier all the time, and am quite excited about my life.  And, as Nathaniel told me in the ER, I have found a new reason to be grateful for that experience, but I will get to that some other time.

I have experienced quite a shift in attitude since that occurrence and find myself approaching things totally differently.  Using healing around this event (recounted in my last post Stayin' Alive) as an example, my mind-set is such that healing is the inevitable and foregone conclusion, and all I need to do is open to be guided to it. Instead of asking the Universe, "Will I get there?" the question is, "What do I need to do to get there?"

The image I get in my mind of this is from the video game The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time.  At some point in the game, the hero acquires a 'hookshot' which is a spring-loaded chain with a hook on the end so you can shoot it, it hooks into where you aimed it, then it draws you across.  You set your intention then the Universe pulls you straight to it.

(Okay. So, yes, I do know this picture is actually from "Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker.") 


So with all this in mind, I did a journey to find out why I'd gotten the clot, what its gift was, and how I go about healing it.


I went to Nathaniel to ask about the clot but couldn't find him. Then Meryl, my Pelican animal guide, showed up.  She flew me somewhere until below us was a red river. There were other rivers of red laid out nearby, like a bird's eye view of the landscape from the movie Tron and the network of circuits. At one point Meryl started circling down til she landed in the river.

In front of us and blocking the river was a beaver dam, and there were 2 or 3 beavers who appeared crazy, like tweaking out on too much caffeine... "Gotta build!! Gotta build!!" After talking to the 'lead' beaver, once he calmed down, he said I was working too hard.  But all the energy I should be expending to build my world outside was going inside and blocking me rather than expanding me.

I asked what I had to do to unblock it, and he said, "Look! It's already clear." At that point I started coughing in Ordinary Reality, and when I went back and looked, the river of blood was clear. To keep it clear, tai chi and meditation would help, and I'm to sit and picture my blood as rivers of light every day -- feeding and nurturing every part and cell of my body. "Be comfortable in your body.  Be your body."

 I am still on blood thinners until I get the okay from the medical doctors, who are doing tests to see if they can find a reason this happened twice within a couple years, but I know within my heart that this clot is gone, and that whatever caused this situation will be healed, is healed.

And I thank all my physical and non-physical companions for their prayers and energy that aided me in getting to this point on my path.  My appreciation is boundless.