It was in a Vision Quest about 10 years ago that I met Sitting Bull. I had just been having a nice sit down conversation with Jeshua (Jesus) when suddenly this great chief appeared with out warning. He told me who he was and I, just a little star-struck, stammered, “THE Sitting Bull?!” Taking it in stride he simply went on to thank me for honoring his traditions and for adapting them to my needs and my path (I lost count of the number of times my Lakota mentor facilitating this Vision Quest said, "If my teachers saw this they would kill me."), telling me traditions had to evolve in order to become accessible and applicable to more people. Then he said something that has stuck with me ever since -- "We may not be your Ancestors of Blood, but we are your Ancestors of Spirit." That was the only time I'd heard that phrase until it was validated a few years later in a class with Tom Cowan, the Celtic Shaman, when he told us of the three kinds of Ancestors -- Blood, Story, and Spirit
For several years afterwards Sitting Bull accompanied me on my path, popping up at different times, particularly during the Sacred Pipe Circle I attended every week. Most of the time he said very little, if anything, but just feeling his presence was comforting. When I saw him in my mind's eye or felt him sitting with me, I knew everything was right with the world. Even if I were going through some heavy emotional trials or something, with him nearby I knew I was still on the right path no matter what inner turmoil I was experiencing.
One day at Pipe Circle things changed. As I passed the chanupa to the person next to me and settled in to receive any messages or visions, there before me I saw Sitting Bull, but it was different. Normally he appears to me extremely close up and looking eye to eye. Instead I saw his entire buffalo blanketed form sitting a small distance in front of me, and he was turned to the right. "Huh..."I thought, "Wonder what that's about." Then I realized there was another figure standing behind him, another Native man with arms folded against his bare chest as he stared into my eyes, his face seemingly etched in stone with no hint of emotion. I think I gulped. "What is happening?" Silently sitting bull faded away leaving the tall, stoic stranger looming in front of me. From somewhere the name Standing Bear floated through my mind. That's when I realized this was basically a changing of the guards. Sitting Bull had fulfilled his purpose with me and now it was Standing Bear who would take over guiding me. Then I almost laughed out loud, struck again by the subtle humor of the spirits. Of course Sitting Bull would be sitting and Standing Bear standing. Okay, I could work with this.
I knew nothing about my new guide, and in his stoic demeanor, Standing Bear was not forthcoming on who he was or why he was there, so answers would have to come through research. I had never heard of him, that I remembered, so I started with his name to see if he were actually an historical figure. I did find a few Standing Bears through history, but before I could even question how I would know which one he was, I saw a photo and instantly knew, "That's him!" The same quiet strength and composure with an intense determination in his eyes.
He was a famous chief of the Ponca people, originally from Nebraska. Long story short, his tribe was forced into their own Trail of Tears on foot from Nebraska to Oklahoma, during which many, including Standing Bear's eldest son, died. Because his son was afraid the Ancestors wouldn't be able to find him and lead him into the afterlife so far from home, Standing Bear promised to return him and bury him in the land of his birth. This he did with a small group of tribal members, only to be captured and arrested in Nebraska for venturing off their reservation.
This led to a trial in 1879 where Standing Bear sued the United States Government --And won! What he sued for was habeas corpus - recognition as a "person" under the law and entitled to all its rights and protections. He was the one who so famously said...
"That hand is not the color of yours, but if I prick it, the blood will flow, and I shall feel pain. The blood is of the same color as yours. God made me, and I am a Man."
And that is where it suddenly made sense to me. One thing I have always struggled with is self-worth, self confidence, and just standing up for myself. Then along comes an individual standing up in front of an entire government and nation who denigrate him and his race to little more than dirt, to declare unflinchingly "I am a man!" Words can not do justice to how much this resonates with me and what strength it awakens in me.
Since then he has stood sentinel over me - an ever-present stoic guardian, huge on presence and small on words. I have to admit being at least slightly intimidated by him, and at the same time so grateful he had decided to come and stick around. For a long time that was enough for me. But just recently, after years of his silent and protective companionship, I finally asked what he'd actually come to help me with in the first place.
"Fortitude," was his single word answer. It instantly rang true and I understood, but at the same time I found myself asking, "What exactly does that mean?..."
Holy Crap! How appropriate is that? In a word that is exactly what Standing Bear embodies, and what he is awakening in me. Indeed, this past year has been exceptionally trying, especially these last few months as I am continuously, and seemingly increasingly, challenged to rise to higher heights and release all the things I mistakenly took on as my identity. Not that I am not also in the best place I've ever been in my life. My lucid moments of connection with the Heart of Goddess are beyond words. I have a firmer faith and conviction in my true identity and purpose than I could ever previously have dreamed of. Perhaps that is what makes these times in my growth such a challenge. The distance in the fluctuations between ecstatic Divine connection and lying broken on the floor incapacitated by fear and anxiety are unimaginably vast. To quote Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: "Space is big. Really big. You just won’t believe how vastly hugely mindbogglingly big it is. I mean you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space."
And traversing that mindbogglingly big space through the mental debris field of old beliefs and identities takes courage.
Just the other day as I was driving to my day job after struggling to get out of bed and muster the gumption to stagger through another day at a job that, though I am grateful for everything it provides me, does nothing, nothing, to feed or even support my Spirit, I heard Standing Bear say, "This. This is the birthing ground of Fortitude." His loquaciousness made me pause and realize this was important.
A past version of me might have interpreted this to mean that life is a struggle and I must foster the fortitude to continue to fight my way upstream because that's the way it'll be until the day I die, fighting a hopeless battle but denying the hopelessness of the situation because that is the noble thing to do.
However, spending a great proportion of my time in non-dual reality gives me a different perspective. Yes. The battle is hopeless. Every battle is hopeless. That's because life is not a battle, and the value of fortitude is the ability it gives to walk through the mental and emotional structures based in the duality of the old world and step into the reality of non-duality -- the Oneness that lies behind everything. Fortitude is not banging your head endlessly against a brick wall. It is recognizing that the wall doesn't even exist and it is walking through the wall despite what you're senses may be telling you. It is the courage to recognize yourself as Divine Energy no matter what the world may be telling you you are. It is the grace to live as a butterfly in a world of caterpillars.
And so I am blessed beyond measure to have this Brother of Spirit standing sentinel for me, an unwavering beacon to light and guide my way. Thank you Standing Bear. Aho.
*
Epilogue --
For several years afterwards Sitting Bull accompanied me on my path, popping up at different times, particularly during the Sacred Pipe Circle I attended every week. Most of the time he said very little, if anything, but just feeling his presence was comforting. When I saw him in my mind's eye or felt him sitting with me, I knew everything was right with the world. Even if I were going through some heavy emotional trials or something, with him nearby I knew I was still on the right path no matter what inner turmoil I was experiencing.
One day at Pipe Circle things changed. As I passed the chanupa to the person next to me and settled in to receive any messages or visions, there before me I saw Sitting Bull, but it was different. Normally he appears to me extremely close up and looking eye to eye. Instead I saw his entire buffalo blanketed form sitting a small distance in front of me, and he was turned to the right. "Huh..."I thought, "Wonder what that's about." Then I realized there was another figure standing behind him, another Native man with arms folded against his bare chest as he stared into my eyes, his face seemingly etched in stone with no hint of emotion. I think I gulped. "What is happening?" Silently sitting bull faded away leaving the tall, stoic stranger looming in front of me. From somewhere the name Standing Bear floated through my mind. That's when I realized this was basically a changing of the guards. Sitting Bull had fulfilled his purpose with me and now it was Standing Bear who would take over guiding me. Then I almost laughed out loud, struck again by the subtle humor of the spirits. Of course Sitting Bull would be sitting and Standing Bear standing. Okay, I could work with this.
I knew nothing about my new guide, and in his stoic demeanor, Standing Bear was not forthcoming on who he was or why he was there, so answers would have to come through research. I had never heard of him, that I remembered, so I started with his name to see if he were actually an historical figure. I did find a few Standing Bears through history, but before I could even question how I would know which one he was, I saw a photo and instantly knew, "That's him!" The same quiet strength and composure with an intense determination in his eyes.
He was a famous chief of the Ponca people, originally from Nebraska. Long story short, his tribe was forced into their own Trail of Tears on foot from Nebraska to Oklahoma, during which many, including Standing Bear's eldest son, died. Because his son was afraid the Ancestors wouldn't be able to find him and lead him into the afterlife so far from home, Standing Bear promised to return him and bury him in the land of his birth. This he did with a small group of tribal members, only to be captured and arrested in Nebraska for venturing off their reservation.
This led to a trial in 1879 where Standing Bear sued the United States Government --And won! What he sued for was habeas corpus - recognition as a "person" under the law and entitled to all its rights and protections. He was the one who so famously said...
"That hand is not the color of yours, but if I prick it, the blood will flow, and I shall feel pain. The blood is of the same color as yours. God made me, and I am a Man."
And that is where it suddenly made sense to me. One thing I have always struggled with is self-worth, self confidence, and just standing up for myself. Then along comes an individual standing up in front of an entire government and nation who denigrate him and his race to little more than dirt, to declare unflinchingly "I am a man!" Words can not do justice to how much this resonates with me and what strength it awakens in me.
Since then he has stood sentinel over me - an ever-present stoic guardian, huge on presence and small on words. I have to admit being at least slightly intimidated by him, and at the same time so grateful he had decided to come and stick around. For a long time that was enough for me. But just recently, after years of his silent and protective companionship, I finally asked what he'd actually come to help me with in the first place.
"Fortitude," was his single word answer. It instantly rang true and I understood, but at the same time I found myself asking, "What exactly does that mean?..."
/ˈfôrdəˌt(y)o͞od/
NOUN
courage in pain or adversity.
"she endured her illness with great fortitude"
synonyms: courage · bravery · strength of mind
And traversing that mindbogglingly big space through the mental debris field of old beliefs and identities takes courage.
Just the other day as I was driving to my day job after struggling to get out of bed and muster the gumption to stagger through another day at a job that, though I am grateful for everything it provides me, does nothing, nothing, to feed or even support my Spirit, I heard Standing Bear say, "This. This is the birthing ground of Fortitude." His loquaciousness made me pause and realize this was important.
A past version of me might have interpreted this to mean that life is a struggle and I must foster the fortitude to continue to fight my way upstream because that's the way it'll be until the day I die, fighting a hopeless battle but denying the hopelessness of the situation because that is the noble thing to do.
However, spending a great proportion of my time in non-dual reality gives me a different perspective. Yes. The battle is hopeless. Every battle is hopeless. That's because life is not a battle, and the value of fortitude is the ability it gives to walk through the mental and emotional structures based in the duality of the old world and step into the reality of non-duality -- the Oneness that lies behind everything. Fortitude is not banging your head endlessly against a brick wall. It is recognizing that the wall doesn't even exist and it is walking through the wall despite what you're senses may be telling you. It is the courage to recognize yourself as Divine Energy no matter what the world may be telling you you are. It is the grace to live as a butterfly in a world of caterpillars.
And so I am blessed beyond measure to have this Brother of Spirit standing sentinel for me, an unwavering beacon to light and guide my way. Thank you Standing Bear. Aho.
*
Epilogue --
Tonight, after finishing my blog post, I did a chanupa
ceremony and as soon as I finished the initial blowing of smoke blessings to all
the directions, Standing Bear was there, and for the first time in the years we’ve
worked together, I saw him smiling. At first you might think it was because he
was happy that I wrote about him, but what I felt was more of a “you finally got
it!” feeling. It was pride, but not in himself. It was the approving smile of a
teacher seeing his student succeed.
"You've been on your own Trail of Tears you know."
Thinking back over the past year and the recent months, I nodded.
"No, not now. It was coming into a world you didn't understand and that didn't understand you. Now you are on your way back to your origins, as I was with my son. The journey is challenging, yes, but the return trip is laced with the joy of coming home."
Oh how I love this man.
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