Good Grief -- Mourning Has Broken

In the annals of years, last year would not be listed as my favorite. Not that it was a bad year exactly. More that it was a transitional year, with definite triumphs and revelations, but it was largely a year of growth and change, and therefore of loss. Just off the top of my head, these losses include the friendship of someone who had probably been the very best and closest friend I have ever had, and, on the bright side I fell madly in love, but I also experienced what may have been the most crushing heart-break of my life. It was a HUGE cycle of death and rebirth.

Because of these factors, I was slightly apathetic about the New Year. I mean I had my hopes and dreams as I always do, but I was not as excited as I normally am at the opportunity to cast off the old and start anew with the dawning of infinite possibilities upon the horizon. No, not this year. As I told a friend, the end of this year felt rather like the end of The Empire Strikes Back. There were definite triumphs and revelations, but what I remember is Luke Skywalker standing on the deck of a ship, holding the new, mechanical replacement for the hand he lost, absolutely exhausted by all he'd been through and looking out at space with an expression of, "How are we ever gonna pull this off now?" -- the middle movie of a trilogy with no resolution because it had to set up the next movie -- and not in a good way like a cliff-hanger or anything. But maybe that's it -- there was very little resolution this year. It feels like this year ended in the middle of the story.

A couple weeks ago, as I continued to just kind of barely keep my head above the waves of sadness and self-doubt, I heard a song on the radio about lost love and it suddenly struck me that that was what I was feeling -- grief! Of course I was! It had been a rough year and I was pretty battle-weary after it all. And that realization, I believe, is what helped it all shift. Up to that point I just knew I was unhappy and not feeling like myself, but once I realized what I was feeling and why, I was better able to allow myself to feel it and move through it.

Not that it's totally gone yet. It's still kind of patchy in it's coming and going, but I am feeling definitely on an upward swing now -- especially after this weekend when I felt just totally showered by displays of love from a number of people and countless synchronicities that kept reinforcing the deep meaningfulness of the Universe. The Goddess is alive and magick is afoot! My mourning period seems to be giving way to a new morning. Now all I need to do is find the ewoks and my victory over the evil empire will be assured!

And as my mood lightens I find myself doing things like singing -- not just whistling but actual singing -- along with the radio at work and spending over 2 hours cleaning up my apartment (well, atleast my dining room table -- baby step, baby step...) and as I dug myself out from under the mounds of compost from the unimaginable depths of time, I unburied numerous treasures, like little beacons cheering me on -- little gems like the following poem I'd written quite some time ago...

How easy it would be to simply

Go on back to sleep --

Pretend away the hurt and pain

And pray my soul to keep.

But good or bad, that's not my path --

My slumber days are done.

Let fade the dreams and make-believe.

I rise and greet the sun.

The Old World I leave far behind,

Navigating through its strings.

I may fall but can no longer

Pretend I don't have wings.

In Orb-it

I've mentioned a couple times, the dream retreat I went on a couple months ago with my shaman class, and the odd thing is that I have not remembered a lot of dreams since then. It feels like I've been going really deep, having incredible dreams, but when I wake there is nothing left but some residual feelings, and an occasional disjointed image, but that is all. There was one I remembered involving Drew Barrymore... but never mind that one... (and on a side note, our teacher said that when someone appears in your dream you should contact them with in 24 hours -- but so far Drew has not returned my calls...) Anyway, I have also been very tired this past holiday season which may have added to the lack of dream retention, but that was not the case the other night.

I got home late Christmas night, and after working on my half-hour-a-day commitment to work on my comics, I looked up to find a couple hours had passed. Rather than getting ready for bed and all of that, I decided to just crash on the couch where I was and, being very tired, I fell fast asleep.

Not for long however. I "awoke" to a flash of light next to the couch and opening my eyes saw an orb of light, about a yard in diameter, floating next to me. It looked out-of-focus, like when I look at a street light without my glasses on. It dissipated, then a couple others appeared singularly around the apartment and in the kitchen. Somewhere along the line -- time was a little fuzzy -- there were a number of smaller, in-focus lights swooping through the apartment in formation. I sat up and tried to shout but had a hard time getting the words out of my mouth. Finally I stammered, "Who ever you are, please leave now!" Then I woke up for real, startled and flailing. It was only at this point that Mr. Timmons, who was sleeping at my feet, retreated from the couch -- my first clue that I had still been asleep. My dear little Cougar Boy is not the most courageous kitty when it comes to strange, new things in his safe little world.

Still, despite the knowledge that the lights had appeared in a 'dream' I knew they were real. And I didn't feel any malevolent intentions, and was rather embarrassed by my reaction since seeing faery lights pop through my apartment is not an uncommon event. When a friend gave me a tarot reading the following week I asked about this experience and she told me it was probably more the fact that I thought I was awake that startled me than the lights themselves. And there was apparently no message. These beings had definitely travelled to see me, but it was just basically to say hi. What thoughtful orbs! :)

It did make me think of previous experiences that I had, particularly in the early 90s when I had first moved to Seattle from Minnesota and had attended some workshops of a near-by channelled entity. We were taught this breathing technique that really opened up my chakras, especially the top ones, which led to some very interesting dreams when I'd go to sleep afterwards. There were numerous dreams with this same kind of vividness and the mistaken belief that I was awake. Most of them were quite startling as well. But, I realized it had been such a long time since I'd had a dream like this that perhaps it was a sign that certain things were opening up again, like they had been in those earlier cases. It pointed toward good developments.

The other experience it brought up for me goes a little further back. I don't think I was quite a teenager yet, but my parents felt I was old enough to stay home alone with my younger siblings while they went out. I remember being not totally at ease about that, but didn't know if I really had a choice and plus it would probably be good for me to grow-up a little. I don't remember much about that night except that I went to bed before my folks got home, I have the vaguest images in my mind of strange little lights buzzing around my bedroom, and then my parents were waking me up to let me know they were home and I found myself saying things like, "They're after me again!"

So it would appear that neither the contents nor the dream experiences themselves are new to me. I still don't know who they were -- A friend suggested ETs, seeing as the whole affair sounded eerily similar to an abduction scenario, but the orbs didn't feel particularly alien to me. Otherworldly, yes, but not necessarily extraterrestrial. I will probably meditate and/or journey on it to find out, as well as to forge a less startling connection with them. Meanwhile, I may have to consider putting a kitchen knife under my pillow. The next time they show up they may have peanut butter!

For Those Of You Just Joining Us

It's hard to believe it has been only a year since I began this blog, so much has happened and changed in the course of 2010, and it feels appropriate to me as the year renews itself to look back and remind myself why I started it in the first place.

A little over a year and a half ago I went on a vision quest -- 3 days of sitting alone in the woods, fasting and communing with the spirits to receive a vision of my life and its purpose. This is a sacred ceremony given to the Native peoples by White Buffalo Calf Woman, so a few weeks before the ceremony I meditated and prayed to her in gratitude for allowing me to take part in one of her ceremonies even though I wasn't "one of her people." Without warning, she appeared to me, smiling, and said, "You are one of my people, as much as if I'd given birth to you myself." I believe there was a tear or two involved after that...

Anyway, as I sat in the woods near Darrington, WA, on the second day of my quest, a number of spirits came to visit and talk. Jeshua told me, "You are enlightened. You're not fooling anyone else so stop fooling yourself." He faded away to be replaced by Sitting Bull. "THE Sitting Bull?!" I asked, more excited by his appearance than the fact that I had just been casually conversing with Jesus. "You honor us by taking part in our rituals, and though we may not be your ancestors of blood, we are your ancestors of spirit." That was the cue for the reappearance of White Buffalo Calf Woman who held her open hands out to me, revealing the Medicine Wheel that I was wearing in my hair for this weekend. It is the one pictured at the top of this page, that I made and wrapped in red leather, representing the Red Road -- the way of the Native peoples -- and around that I wove a golden thread, representing my personal path. This has been a very powerful symbol for me since the late 80s when in meditation I saw my life as a golden thread stretching lazily through the skies, without end in front of and behind me. This was my immutable, indestructible, and unique path, dependant on nothing and no one for its existence.

Now as she held out this talisman to me, she told me, "Your path is to be shared. Whether it winds through the Red Road, the Yellow Road, or whatever road it may follow, it will be called The Golden Thread Road. ”

It was during this quest that I realized how much I had learned and experienced over the previous 20-something years on my spiritual path, and how much I had to share. At the same time I realized how far I have to go and how much I still had to learn. A very empowering yet humbling experience!

And there was so much more that happened that weekend, which I intend posting about when it feels right, but for now that is the origin of this blog and why I began it. A blog seemed the best way to share my path, and so I continue to relate here, by divine request, my journey as it unfolds, and I hope by my experiences and insights that perhaps others may benefit as well.


And I am so deeply honored that others find my personal lessons and what I have to write worth their time and attention.

Thank you!