Good Grief -- Mourning Has Broken

In the annals of years, last year would not be listed as my favorite. Not that it was a bad year exactly. More that it was a transitional year, with definite triumphs and revelations, but it was largely a year of growth and change, and therefore of loss. Just off the top of my head, these losses include the friendship of someone who had probably been the very best and closest friend I have ever had, and, on the bright side I fell madly in love, but I also experienced what may have been the most crushing heart-break of my life. It was a HUGE cycle of death and rebirth.

Because of these factors, I was slightly apathetic about the New Year. I mean I had my hopes and dreams as I always do, but I was not as excited as I normally am at the opportunity to cast off the old and start anew with the dawning of infinite possibilities upon the horizon. No, not this year. As I told a friend, the end of this year felt rather like the end of The Empire Strikes Back. There were definite triumphs and revelations, but what I remember is Luke Skywalker standing on the deck of a ship, holding the new, mechanical replacement for the hand he lost, absolutely exhausted by all he'd been through and looking out at space with an expression of, "How are we ever gonna pull this off now?" -- the middle movie of a trilogy with no resolution because it had to set up the next movie -- and not in a good way like a cliff-hanger or anything. But maybe that's it -- there was very little resolution this year. It feels like this year ended in the middle of the story.

A couple weeks ago, as I continued to just kind of barely keep my head above the waves of sadness and self-doubt, I heard a song on the radio about lost love and it suddenly struck me that that was what I was feeling -- grief! Of course I was! It had been a rough year and I was pretty battle-weary after it all. And that realization, I believe, is what helped it all shift. Up to that point I just knew I was unhappy and not feeling like myself, but once I realized what I was feeling and why, I was better able to allow myself to feel it and move through it.

Not that it's totally gone yet. It's still kind of patchy in it's coming and going, but I am feeling definitely on an upward swing now -- especially after this weekend when I felt just totally showered by displays of love from a number of people and countless synchronicities that kept reinforcing the deep meaningfulness of the Universe. The Goddess is alive and magick is afoot! My mourning period seems to be giving way to a new morning. Now all I need to do is find the ewoks and my victory over the evil empire will be assured!

And as my mood lightens I find myself doing things like singing -- not just whistling but actual singing -- along with the radio at work and spending over 2 hours cleaning up my apartment (well, atleast my dining room table -- baby step, baby step...) and as I dug myself out from under the mounds of compost from the unimaginable depths of time, I unburied numerous treasures, like little beacons cheering me on -- little gems like the following poem I'd written quite some time ago...

How easy it would be to simply

Go on back to sleep --

Pretend away the hurt and pain

And pray my soul to keep.

But good or bad, that's not my path --

My slumber days are done.

Let fade the dreams and make-believe.

I rise and greet the sun.

The Old World I leave far behind,

Navigating through its strings.

I may fall but can no longer

Pretend I don't have wings.