All Good Things...

I have mentioned the class I began in September, the first year of a potential three year program in Shamanism, and though it is only about half over, I have felt guided, rather strongly, to move on. This decision has been weighing on me for some time, more than I think I realized, and I think was very close to the root of why this recent Winter had been particularly challenging for me.

Not that there is anything wrong with the class or the teacher. On the contrary, they are both fantastic and I have learned and grown incredibly since I began. There has just been this persistent feeling that it was not quite a complete fit, for whatever reason, and that has been a huge lesson for me -- to sit with those feelings and gain clarity.

At first I thought I was uncomfortable because it was a new environment I wasn't used to, and I obviously just needed to learn how to adapt and work through those feelings. Acouple months in I was still feeling those uncertainties and was starting to reconsider whether I needed to be there. Then my class went on a retreat in Idaho and things shifted a bit.

First of all, it was an amazing bonding experience for me and I connected with people in ways I really hadn't before. I felt more comfortable with these people than pretty much any group I had been in, and I started to understand what people meant in other groups when they talked about a sense of family. Secondly there was an occurrence that required, and allowed us to see first hand, true advanced shamanism. It was a very humbling experience for me, and I realized how little I knew, and how far I had to go if I wanted to learn it myself. Naturally I figured the best way to learn would be to stay with class, so I continued -- the bonds with my fellow students deepening and the feelings of not-quite-rightness refusing to abate.

Like I said, I was experiencing huge amounts of growth and learning, so obviously, I thought, I needed to be there, and any feelings of discomfort were my own fault and something I just needed to come to terms with. And I enjoyed class, my class-mates, and my teacher, so what the heck?

Then one night, out of the blue, I received a text from a friend, a professional psychic friend, saying she got a message for me about a teacher of mine, she correctly thought the name started with a 'C', and that I had spent a season there, getting everything I needed to, and that it was time to move on. There were other experiences waiting for me.

On one hand I have had enough readings to know that psychics are not gods and that they can mis-hear guidance or be off, either slightly or completely. On the other hand, I hadn't talked to my friend for quite some time, so I hadn't even mentioned the class to her, let alone how long I'd been in it. So I knew enough not to take it as divine intervention and a voice from on high, but there were enough correct things, and it resonated enough with what I'd been feeling, that it got my attention. Perhaps it was time to re-examine my situation.

I got a couple Tarot readings from friends, one not totally confident in her abilities and the other who reads Tarot for a living and has basically been my spiritual counselor for almost 20 years. The interesting thing is that in both readings, with in the scenario of staying in class, the main card that came up was the 5 of cups -- Disappointment, the image of which is a figure looking at three cups, spilled and empty in front of him , while he can not see the two full cups that stand behind him. ...Interesting.

Still, this was all second-hand wisdom from outside sources, and before I made any decisions I really needed to check inside myself. So arose the stock question in all shamanic circles: "Have you journeyed about it?" So that is what I did.

It had been a while since I journeyed, so I began at my Faerieworlds tree and followed the familiar stone, spiral stairway that led down to the underworld beneath it. I greeted Nathaniel, my beloved fuzz-nose of a reindeer, marveling at the realism of this realm. I talk to him all the time in my daily life, and have even felt his nose nuzzle its way into my hand as I'm walking somewhere, but I forget the immediacy, depth, and texture of these otherworlds, where I can reach out and actually touch his antlers or feel my face buried in his thick fur and smell the rich, calming musk of his scent. Yum!

I asked him about my class and he told me my navigation had gotten off track because I was paying more attention to others than myself, but that it was also a necessary side-trip to restore my self-direction. Cool. I wasn't sure that it answered my question, but good answer.

I wanted to check with my Upper World guide, Fred, too in order to get his perspective, so I asked Nathaniel to fly me up there. Seeing as he's one of Santa's reindeer, he can do that. We took off toward the heavens, and I suddenly realized Nathaniel had sprouted wings. Wait a minute! I was no longer on Nathaniel's back, but the back of Meryl, my Pelican guide who is my Guardian of Crossroads. "Oh yeah! I probably should have come to you first, huh?" If it's possible for pelicans to smile, that's what she did.

We landed and she showed me two paths laid out in front of me -- one where I stayed in class, and one where I moved on in a different direction.

Under her direction I headed down the first path, the one where I stayed the course and remained in class. The path became a tunnel, getting increasingly smaller as I felt more and more anxious, tight, and constricted. When I told Meryl how I felt, she replied, "That's fine, but do you see any glimmer a head of you; A light at the end of the tunnel?" "No. It dead ends right here in a wall of rock. I can see where the drill bit was that dug it!"

"Okay," she said in her always calm voice. "Try the other road." As I followed this path I felt lighter and lighter, until I felt I was flying. I was filled with a feeling of relief, like a weight had been lifted. "That's fine," she said again, "But is it an empty relief, like you just dodged a bullet, or is it an empowering relief?" "I definitely feel empowered!" "That is your answer."

When I talked to my teacher about this, she suggested I journey again and find out what the wall was. So back to the Underworld I went.

This time I started out in the Upperworld, in Fred's living room where I asked for his input. I have to admit he isn't always helpful in practical ways. He is very good at giving a bigger picture, and encouragement, and those sorts of things, but all he could really tell me was that it was my choice and that I couldn't take a wrong path. That's when we noticed we were not alone. Meryl was standing there, in the middle of the living room preening herself. "You probably want to talk to her," Fred said with a big grin.

Back to the tunnel Meryl and I went, and once there I started asking about the wall. What was it? Was it a challenge I needed to break through? Was it as simple as it's just not the right direction? "If I need to go through it I will! I'm exhausted, but if it's for my highest good in stepping into and claiming my power I will do it! If this is my path, I know I have what it takes to handle it and I am willing to go through it if that is my lesson!"

"Patrick," Came the soft patient voice, "Your path is 'the water-course' way, and what does water do when it hits a dead end tunnel?"

"Um, it pools then backs up until it comes back out the entrance." "And why would you want to do that?"

"I don't, huh. But if I know it's not a complete fit, and go into it with that perspective, just taking from it what's useful for me, couldn't I stay?"

"You could," She shrugged, "But you would be putting time, money, and energy into something that doesn't totally serve you. Why would you want to do that?" Good question, as it occurred to me that spending my time, money, and energy here could leave me short of those things for those experiences that are more suited for me, and serve me more completely.

"I just want to make sure I'm not taking the easy way out, or running away from anything!"

"Patrick, look around your home and tell me how many birds, and feathers and wings do you see?" I opened my eyes and gazed around at the countless feathers and images of wings, whether of birds or faeries, that bedecked my apartment. "You are a flier not a burrower. That path feels lighter because it is your path. You are following your path, going toward your destiny, not away from your duties."

I breathed a sigh of relief as the truth of it sank in. Go toward the joy. Follow your bliss. It felt right. "But..."

"Everything you need to learn, you will call to yourself. This is not the only source."

I remembered something that Jeshua had told me recently when I asked him what the lesson in all this was. "All roads lead to Rome," was his reply.

And as I sat with what my beloved pelican had said, and it sank deeper and deeper, I was left with one more image: That of sitting astride Nathaniel as he flies through the night sky, my view looking between his antlers at the North star ...MY North star ...Home!