The Best Medicine

As I mentioned in my last post, the last few weeks have been exceptionally rough.  One thing that has been a light in the darkness of this time has been that, for some reason, a couple of people in the office at my day job were asking for jokes -- particularly clean ones.  So every so often I would troop into the office from the warehouse, stop in front of all the desks where everyone could see me, clear my throat *Ahem!*, await everyone's attention, and... "So there was this..." 

It is amazing to me how quickly and thoroughly laughter shifts energy!  No matter how awful I was feeling, if I went in and shared a joke (and I assure you they were all Hi-larious!) my spirits would soar again, like hitting a reset button.

So I thought I would share my current 10 favorite jokes of all time...

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So Sherlock Holmes and Watson went camping.  It was late by the time they set up their tent so they just crawled in and immediately fell asleep.  In the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson, saying, "Just open your eyes and tell me what you can deduce." 


Watson opens his eyes and begins, "With all the billions of stars in the sky, if even just a fraction of them are similar to our own sun, and only a fraction of those are orbited by planets similar to the earth and capable of supporting intelligent life, I have to deduce that we are not alone in the Universe!"


"Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole the tent!!"

*

So Jesus was walking through a village one day when he happened upon a crowd preparing to stone an adulteress.  He quickly stepped between the woman and the crowd loudly challenging them, "Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone!"

The crowd was quiet, and Jesus smiled to himself, when suddenly a stone came sailing out of the center of the crowd and hit the accused women in the head. Jesus was very taken aback by this and craned his head to see who threw the stone...

..."Mo-om!!"

*

How do you calculate the circumference of an igloo?

Radius times Eskimo pi!

*

So two guys are walking their dogs, and as they pass a bar they realize they are thirsty.  "Dang!" Said the first man. "We can't go in with the dogs!"  The second man said, "Wait! I have an idea. Watch what I do, wait a few minutes, then follow suit!"

So the second man put on his sunglasses and walked into the bar.  "Hey!" Yelled the bartender. "You can't bring a dog in here!"  "It's my seeing eye dog," said the man, so the bartender let him in.

"Brilliant!" Thought the first guy.  He waited a few minutes, put on his sunglasses, and nonchalantly walked into the bar. "Hey!" Yelled the bartender again.  "You can't bring a dog in here!"  "But it's my seeing eye dog!"  "I've never seen a chihuahua as a seeing eye dog!"  "They gave me a chihuahua?!"

*

So there was a new pirate aboard this ship, and the rest of the crew were scared of him because he had a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye, so he was obviously really tough having survived a lot of scuffles.  Finally one of the crew mustered the courage to approach the pirate and ask...


"How did you lose your leg?"

"Arr! A canon ball blew it clean off!"

"And how did you lose your hand?"

"Arr! I fell overboard and lost it to a ravenous shark!"

"And how did you lose your eye?"

"Arr! A sea gull flew over and shat in me eye!"

"Huh?"

"It was the first day I had me hook!!"

*

So Jesus was watching the Pearly Gates and taking care of the entrance interviews while St Peter took his coffee break.  An old man approached and Jesus thought he looked very familiar, but couldn't quite place him.  Jesus began asking questions.

"Where did you live?"

"In a land far, far, away."

"And what was your occupation?"

"I worked with wood."

The man continued to seem increasingly familiar, and Jesus continued his questioning.

"Did you have children?"

"Well some people say I did and some people say I didn't."

The light of recognition lit Jesus' eyes as he opened his arms to embrace the old man, and excitedly proclaimed, "Dad!!!"

"...Pinocchio?"

*

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bul--LET'S RIDE BIKES!!!

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What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Grains! GRAINS!!

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So a polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a     ...beer."  The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"  The polar bear holds up his two front feet and replies, "Always had 'em!"

*

And saving my all time favorite joke until last--

A grasshopper walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper says, "Really? Who would name a drink Bob?"