Whirlwind Weekend ~ Part the First: Soul Reprieval

Last weekend I was supposed to begin a class on Soul Retrieval -- “supposed to” being the operative phrase. When I found out my Shamanism teacher was going to teach this class, I was extremely excited and figured it was the natural next step in my shamanic education. It was definitely something I wanted and planned to learn, for my own deeper self-exploration, as well as my future as a shamanic practitioner, so what was there to question? That was where I slipped up.

As time went on and the class grew closer, I found myself inexplicably less and less excited. A couple days before the class I was talking to a friend about it and, for some reason, it did not surprise her. She pointed out how busy I’d been, and that everything I’d been doing -- all the classes, workshops, readings,etc -- was shifting and increasing my energy. My physical body, which moves at a slower pace, needed to time to adjust and catch up with all these changes. “Still,” I thought, “How could I possibly not suppose to take the class?”

The next morning I finally sat down and did what I should have done a long time ago. I journeyed on it, to talk to my guides and get clarity and a higher perspective on the situation. Being a student of modern shamanism, I put away my drumming CD when I realized that the thumpa-thumpa-thumpa of the freshly started washing machine would suffice to fuel my trip to the otherworld.

Because I was nervous, over this and the anticipation of coming events, I had a difficult time just popping in on my guides as I normally would, so I had to begin at my shaman tree; My portal to the otherworlds that exists in physical time and space; The tree that stands at the center of the old Faerieworlds site at the winery in Eugene, Oregon. In my mind, I entered the familiar hollow of the tree, reaching up and caressing her bark in gratitude as I passed within. Inside the tree, the floor gave way to a spiraling dirt stairway, which I descended, eventually emerging out into the underworld where I recognized the four-footed figure waiting there.

I kissed the big fuzzy nose of Nathaniel, my reindeer guide, then asked him what was going on and why I felt the way I did. “Your friend was correct, Patrick. You need a break in order to regroup and integrate the higher energies you have been experiencing. It is your choice whether to take the class or not, but the timing is not exactly right. There are things you need to do and experience before learning these things, but you will learn them.”

Feeling a little uncomfortable, feeling I’d already sort of committed to the class, and knowing how much work my teacher had put into creating this class with the exact number of students including me, I asked, “But what do I tell her?” “Tell her you need a summer vacation.” If it’s possible for reindeer to grin, Nathaniel did so.

“Thank you Fuzz Nose,” I said, kissing him again. Then I turned, and this time not needing the tree, popped into the living room of Fred, my upper world spirit teacher.

“Well hello Patrick. What can I do for you?” He asked as he hugged me. Then smiling he added “Yes, I know why you’re here.” He told me to sit quietly, staying aware of my body, and then to imagine being in the class. My stomach tightened. “Okay, now let that go, and imagine your day free of this class.” My stomach relaxed measurably. “That is all you have to know. Pay attention to those feelings, they will tell you. It’s not that the class is in any way bad or wrong, it is simply not the right time .”

I thanked Fred, hugged him good-bye, and returned my consciousness to my physical body on the couch where I was sitting. I felt a little better, but still dreaded having to tell my teacher this.

I had been through a similar experience not long ago where I was taking a series of classes that every ounce of my being told me to take. I learned a lot and gained valuable experience, but at one point I realized something wasn’t right. I was starting to feel more drained than fed by the experience. And I had this aching feeling in my heart that longed for something deeper. These classes had been a necessary first step, but I had gotten what I needed from them and was feeling, very strong guidance, that there was somewhere else for me to go – Shamanism! To me my decision to leave felt sound, grounded, and right, but trying to explain that to my former teacher, and what I was feeling and planning, proved not quite so simple. She ripped me apart and left me feeling 2 inches tall. "At least," I thought, "There's proof that I don't belong there." I prayed that this would not be repeated now.

After a brief pep-talk from another friend who knew my current teacher, I called and left a message explaining what was happening, and what my guides had said, telling her to please call me back so we could talk. I didn’t want news like that to just be given in a voice mail. Then, just to make sure I would reach her, I headed to Starbuck’s so I could email her as well. I have yet to get internet at home.

While I was there, and before I had the chance to send an email, she called me back. I could tell by her voice that she was a bit surprised and upset, but she asked me to explain again what was going on. I told her what my guides had said, and what I was feeling -- including the guilt of knowing how much work she'd put in on her end, and the rent money she would be out. She understandably asked me to reconsider and check in again before making my decision, but adding that, for being one who teaches others to follow their guidance she couldn't ask me to go against mine, as well as that, no matter what my decision was, she still thought the best of me. Through eyes watering from relief at her kindness and integrity, I said I would check in again and give her a call back that evening.

I did want to check in again, just to be sure, but wasn't sure how successful an attempted shamanic journey would be in the middle of a bustling coffee shop. Since I had my Medicine Cards along, I decided to consult those to get a straight answer, which I figured I could do without attracting too much attention. I shuffled the deck then drew the cards and placed them in a medicine wheel on the table, and this is how they fell...

Medicine Cards copyright Jamie Sams, David Carson, and Angela C. Werneke

And this is how I read it --

Starting in the East is Raven, who I see as a sort of Prometheus of the Americas, because it was She who stole fire from the Sun and brought it to humans. She carries the spark and flames of creativity as well as the dark, magickal expanses of The Great Mystery. She is the embodiment of Mystery and Magick, and especially appearing in the East, the place of the dawn, She is heralding a new period for me of creativity and magick.

In the South is Swan. It is the direction of action, which interestingly in this case seems to be the act of surrender -- which is more difficult than you may think. It is through the surrendering of Herself to the plan of the Creator, flowing with and following Her path, that She achieves the beauty and grace that She embodies as an adult, though she started as an ugly duckling. Basically She is telling me to trust that my path is unfolding as it should, and in surrendering myself and not fighting the current, I will emerge as my true and glorious self.

In the West, the place of watery emotions, is Snake reversed. Snake carries the medicine of Transformation, as in alchemy. Reversed She is telling me to be not afraid to shed my old skins, that there is a new self just below the surface ready to burst forth, and as she embraces Her eggs, I need to embrace all the new beginnings that are waiting to come forth in my life. Do not allow the waters of my emotions to drown the flames of change. (Interestingly, I picked up the Snake card as I was pondering this, and I instantly saw my path, my golden thread, snaking out ahead of me in a care-free and joyous manner)

In the North is Fox, who carries the medicine of Camouflage, blending in with the background to observe without making others self conscious, in reverse asks the question "Have you become too invisible?" Fox asks if I've fallen for my own tricks and begun to believe in my camouflage of a low self-esteem. It is time to break out of those illusions and be seen. Speak forth my truth.

At the Center of all, the center and hub that ties all these messages together, is Hawk, the messenger of the gods. In reverse, the meaning seems obvious -- "You are recieving divine messages. Listen to them!" In other words, trust the guidance I am recieving.

On top of Hawk I pulled another card for clarity (though in hindsight it seems pretty clear) and Weasel showed up. He is about stealth, and complimenting Hawk's reversed message, He tells me to stop pretending I don't know what I know and feel.

One more card for good measure, and I pull Jaguar, whose medicine is Integrity. Again, loud and clear, is the message to trust my guidance, speak my guidance, and follow my guidance. Walk my truth. I can trust the honor and integrity of these things, and all is well.

I called my teacher back, still a little hesitant to say what I found out, that my guidance was correct the first time, but feeling a little more sure of myself. She answered the phone, noticeably calmer, and I guessed she had done her own journeys for clarity. I told her I just didn't think I was supposed to take this class now. I breathed a breath of relief as she totally honored this saying it would not be the last time she would teach it. "...And I just want you to know that I still think you're awesome."

Thank you. I think you're awesome too.