Food For The Soul

It is so interesting how things shift, balance out, and play against each other. The very next day after that last post about being so grateful for finding my way, feeling like I know what I'm doing, and being on top of my world, I had the opportunity to examine the direct opposite.

It was my first night doing readings at a book store/coffee shop/music lounge in Redmond, and I was actually more nervous than I expected to be. The day had been a blur of Mercury retrograde miscommunication and near misses, so by the time I got to the store I was pretty ungrounded, shaky, and anxious -- probably not the best state to be in for readings. I went to the coffee counter to get a chai, and the barista dude excitedly told me about his experiences with Medicine Cards -- using them to find his 9 different animal totems (one for each of the 7 directions and one for walking along each side) -- and I shrunk a bit. I purposely don't do that kind of thing with the cards, preferring contact with some one's animal guides be more personal, either through my contacting them and relaying info or, more preferably, guiding someone through a meditation to meet them in a one-on-one situation. My main goal is empowerment of the other person, and the closer connection I can facilitate between human and guide the happier I am.

So I returned to my reading table, feeling even more ungrounded under the pressure of new expectations on me, like I was supposed to know/do something different than what I knew or was doing -- like I was faking it. And I couldn't shake the strange vibe I was getting. It just didn't feel like the same shop that I had been to before, and just recently too when I met with one of the owners to arrange my readings there. Of course I assumed it was me.

I did have one woman come up and show interest because she had read my blog after seeing the info in the store's calendar. My first reaction, though I didn't show it, was "Holy crap! Someone else is reading my blog! Yay!" Quickly followed by my next reaction, "Holy crap! Someone else is reading my blog! Oh crap!" So as I tried to explain the Medicine Cards to someone who had never heard of them before, while still feeling ungrounded and uncertain of myself, I felt another layer of expectations pushing down on me -- Now that I was officially in the public's eye with strangers reading my blog who and how am I expected to be? Am I suddenly a leader or an expert because I'm being read? Am I going to fail because I'm not what people expect? -- Not that she was thinking or expecting anything of the kind. This was all just in my own head -- Shadows of old patterns rising to the surface to be dealt with.

She eventually passed, after first agreeing, because I had no way to take a credit card. After she left I found myself feeling like crap, especially as more and more people were arriving and walking right past me. All those old thoughts of being a failure and 'just who do I think I am anyway?' bounced around between my ears. And this was just one day after I'd had that magnificent experience with the reading in Issaquah!

As it turns out, my first night there was not a normal night at all. The band playing that night was a very popular local band that has a huge cult following. I think this is the vibe I picked up on because the place was eventually packed with people who came only to see the band and nothing else. I sat in the corner and watched everyone zip by, on their way to get as close to the stage as possible, without even noticing me. Apparently not the normal state of affairs there.

As the band started up, and I began to get a bit more grounded from eating something along with the chai, I was able to examine more realistically those thoughts. This had nothing to do with me. It was totally the circumstances and had nothing to do with me or my skills. I was there, free of charge, getting to listen to a band I had heard about but not really ever gotten to listen to, drinking a couple of complimentary chais, and getting unexpectedly reacquainted with an old friend I hadn't talked to in a very long time. All positives. Plus, the drastic changes I expected at my day job never materialized (Yes, I know. I promised a post about that. Coming soon...) so I wasn't in desperate need of money. For all that it wasn't a bad night.

So I finally relaxed into the evening, standing in my corner listening to the band and watching people, knowing that even if I didn't make any money, I was suppose to be there for some reason, even if it was just to be seen by people and to become a familiarity there.

Then I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye, and turned to see a young girl surveying the cards that I had laid out on the table in an effort to entice people over to inquire about them. "Ah!" I thought, "That must be one of the reasons now..." I picked up the deck and told her to pick a card, then sat down with her as I explained what that animal meant. Her eyes went wide and she started looking at the cards on the table asking what each one meant. Pretty soon she had the whole deck in her hands, flipping over one card at a time, and asking what each meant in turn. Ah! Flash cards! The Universe was giving me a pop quiz!

The girl's sister joined us just before the deck ran out, and she started asking questions of her own and clarifying what I was saying. I did a little 3 card reading for her, and felt the wheels turning in her as she digested what I told her. And the younger girl just kept looking up at me all intent, and asked, "How do you remember all of them?" "Well, I've been studying animals all my life, and when you know about their place in the eco-system and their habits, you can see how that relates to what's happening in people's lives." "Oooh!" She replied as I could see the lights go on. She lingered for a long time just looking at the pictures on the cards, and over the next few hours she wandered back a number of times to look at and handle the cards. I could almost hear the spirit animals calling her. I could definitely feel it. Could practically cut it with a knife.

I realized that making no money that night was a small price to pay if I was able to help fan the spark of shamanism in a little girl's heart. Maybe one day down the line she will do a reading for me. That would be priceless!