Coyote Beautiful

I was going to start this with, "It's been an interesting few months," but then I started wondering, "What few months in my life aren't interesting?"  So what is the flavor of this season's dose of interesting?  It has been a season of Firsts. Besides including my first trip to a gay/lesbian bar and my first ever overdraft at the bank (these events being totally unrelated to the other),  I experienced my first ever trip to the emergency room.

Going back a few weeks earlier, I had tweaked my leg, but at the time didn't think much of it, assuming it would just get better.  And it did seem to be improving until a couple weeks later when it began to get more painful and harder to walk or stand on.  I decided it was time to pay my Naturopath a visit.  It seemed by all accounts that I may have torn a ligament in my knee, and we set out accordingly to heal it in the best way possible, and hoping I wouldn't need surgery. 

Back in the summer between 8th Grade and High School, I was diagnosed with Kyphosis, similar to Scoliosis but the curvature of the spine instead of being from side to side is front to back -- in other words I was a bit hump-backed at the top and sway-backed at the bottom of my spine.  And just in time for my debut as an insecure, dorky, high school freshman, I had to begin wearing a back-brace. 

This was not a life-threatening condition, but surgery was a real possibility.  And, still unbelievably to me when I look back in hindsight, here I was a 12 or 13 year old kid and people are constantly telling me how much back surgery hurts.  "I knew this bear of a man, and after his back surgery he cried like a baby!"  ...Not helpful.  But my point, and I do have one, is back then I went from having a back curvature of, I believe, 93 degrees to one of 54 degrees -- no surgery necessary.  It really was a miracle, especially to the Mayo Clinic doctors who were positive at the beginning that I would require some sort of surgery to correct my spine.  So, long story short, I have in the past already experienced miraculous healing and the power of prayer -- and Boy-Howdee did I pray!

So as I nursed my leg, keeping it elevated and iced, and taking some time off of work to stay off of it for awhile, I asked for reiki healing from a number of friends, and continually administered reiki myself.  I watched, a couple times, my DVDs The Secret and Loiuse L Hay's You Can Heal Your Life -- programs (I highly recommend) about how our thoughts and beliefs create the reality we experience, which always helps me refocus and remember what's really real.  And as I continued to pray and reaffirm the healing and wholeness of my leg, it continued to improve.  I knew I wouldn't need surgery. 

By the time I got to the MRI my naturopath wanted me to get, most of the swelling had already disappeared, and I was able to walk and stand longer every day, so I was expecting the results to come back and my doctor to tell me everything looked fine and was almost healed.  That's not what happened.

That same afternoon I received a voice mail from my naturopath's office saying they had already made an appointment for me, which was set only 45 minutes after I got the message, at some other clinic, though at the time I didn't understand what that clinic was for.  Vascular something or other?  At first I resisted, thinking I really shouldn't take anymore time off of work, but then it sank in that this could be serious. I went right over.

At the clinic they did an ultrasound and found a blood-clot in my leg.  Well they didn't tell me at first cuz from the moment I got there I was anxiously babbling about how nervous I was, especially after seeing all the info hanging on the office walls about clots, etc, and how dangerous they could be.  Instead the woman quietly excused herself to call my doctor to let her know what they found, and then my doctor had her put me on the phone so she could tell me personally what was going on.  They put me in a wheelchair (another first) and took me right down to the emergency room.

I was pretty freaked out and began recognizing some feeling and thought patterns left over from my panic attack days.  But despite that, and the 'second shoe' feeling of an axe hanging over my head ready to drop at any moment, at the same time it did not take me over and I was able to maintain somewhat of a perspective.  Among the thoughts like, "What will happen to my kitties if something happens to me?" and, "Crap! My apartment is a mess! What will people think when they come in to clean it up?" were such realizations as, "I'm going to be grateful for this experience some day" and, "At least this means I don't need surgery."

The ironic thing was that I was probably more at risk during the previous few weeks, the time I spent coming to a point of serenity and surrender and trusting in my wholeness and healing, than I was  while being treated in the emergency room, when my anxiety level increased exponentially.  The surrender and trust I'd so recently reached just shattered, and it's taken me a couple more weeks to let go of that buzz of fear and uncertainty. 

What finally helped me release those fears and doubts occurred about a week ago.  This particular Friday night I thought I was going to a drum circle at a local metaphysical store with a couple friends.  It's the same place that holds a weekly Native American pipe ceremony that I attend sometimes, and on the way there I was musing at how healing it would be to get to smoke the pipe. The Chanupa (peace pipe) has become a powerful vehicle for me to reconnect with Goddess, particularly in the guise of my adoptive spirit mother, White Buffalo Calf Woman who originally introduced the pipe to the native peoples.  When I got there I discovered it was actually an Autumn Equinox ceremony, which just happened to include the chanupa. YES!!!

The woman putting on the ceremony explained the Native view on this point of the year, at this point on the medicine wheel, and how we were moving from Summer, which is the domain of Shawnodese (Coyote), into Autumn, which is the domain of Mudjekeewis*(Bear).  I almost started laughing and crying at the same time.  Coyote! Of course! 

The pieces just fell into place.  Everything I'd just experienced -- Everything! -- was the handiwork of Coyote, the eternal trickster, with whom I am well aquainted. The whole facing-death-thing, and the panicky feelings, and the fear for my mortality.  It was all me, the Coyote in me, taking for real a set of thoughts and beliefs that had no truth to them -- picture Wile E Coyote running smack into one of his paintings on a cliff wall.  All the fears and anxieties were illusions, and rather than facing them and recognizing them for what they were, I let them run away with me.  But no matter what happened -- even if a clot found it's way to my brain or lungs, ending this particular incarnation -- everything was okay.  Everything would be okay.  Death is not a failure.  Nothing that happens can threaten who I truly am.  And I can still trust the Universe to unfold in perfect harmony, as well as trusting that I am always in the right place at the right time. 

And now when those thoughts and anxieties begin to raise their heads, I can just thank Coyote for visiting, remind myself these things are not true, and watch Coyote disappear over the edge of the cliff, sign in hand...

*Originally I couldn't quite make out the name she was using for bear, but it flashed me back to high school Spanish class when our teacher told us about watching Parkay commercials in Spanish -- You know, the ones arguing with the tub of margarine: "Parkay!" "Butter!" -- because it sounded like "Mantequilla!"  ..."Par-Kay-ay!"