Hitting the Shower

So I don't know if this is a universal thing or if it's just me, but the bathroom tends to be one of the most sacred spaces I know of, particularly the shower.  I think I do more praying and contemplation in the shower than any place else.  And recently I needed both.

I'd been experiencing a tooth-ache off and on for a few weeks and was told I needed another root canal.  At the same time I was told my dental insurance had maxed out til the beginning of the year so, with the aid of antibiotics and vicadin I hoped to make it that long.  ...not so much.  I swear the pain I experienced in the course of those weeks was the most excruciating I'd ever experienced.  At times I was only getting a couple hours of sleep a night, spending most of that awake time pacing back and forth in my apartment in tears not sure what to do or how much more I could endure.

The pain meds didn't even touch the pain, and one of the only ways I discovered to lessen the pain, or maybe just distract my nervous system to other places besides my tooth, was to take a hot shower.  I did a lot of praying during those weeks -- sometimes three or four times a night!  One such night as I stood in the shower, my forehead against the wall in defeat, my pain-wracked mouth throbbing, I had a vision. 

Just to back-track briefly, about 8 months ago during a Soul Retrieval that I received, I was reunited with a certain Spirit Guide who, I was told, was like a family member.  It turned out this mysterious 'relative' was none other than Merlin.  The Merlin.  "Oh great!  It's the 'Robin Hood thing' all over again!" I thought (...Oh!  I haven't mentioned or explained the 'Robin Hood thing' before?  Okay, but you'll just have to wait for another post. ONE tangent at a time...). I've also never been big on wizards, thinking them a bit Hollywood and cliched -- particularly in this age of Harry Potter.  In fact, back when I was getting my Reiki II attunement I got a glimpse of an old white-haired robed man who looked back at me over his shoulder, smiled and winked at me before disappearing.  I assumed it to be a guide of mine, and now realize it was most likely Merlin doing some reconnaissance, but my reaction was, "A wizard. Pff! Why'd it have to be a wizard?"

Anyway, returning to my shower scene, I saw Merlin in this glowing light and he was dancing wildly, celebrating something.  Then, rather loudly, he struck this large, Chinese gong and shouted, "You made it!"  "Made what?" I asked.  Apparently I'd crossed a threshold somewhere along the line dealing with the discovery of the blood clot in my leg, financial challenges, and now my tooth, all piggy backing on each other one right after the other before the previous one has even been resolved. 

The realization that came to me, centering mostly around the blood clot situation, was that this was an initiation.  Normally in Native cultures, to become a shaman a person had to face an illness or sickness that took them to the brink of death from where they had to decide to either die or to heal and come back in order to heal others -- this is why shaman are often referred to as "The Wounded Healers."  Well, according to Merlin, this has all been that initiatory crisis for me, facing a situation that well could have taken my life, and yet coming through it with the determination to live. Not that there weren't times I was afraid I was going to die, or, with the tooth pain, almost wished I could.  I just kept finding things I had to live for, things I wanted to do, things I had to look forward to.

And not that it's been a totally smooth ride from that point either.  The pain did go away shortly thereafter, but then it did come back again.  But even though I don't have the money for a complete root canal I did get the tooth taken care of temporarily to take away the pain until next month when I have insurance.  And I've had one or two scares with the clot in my leg, one of which recently had me back for another ultrasound, only to find out that the blood thinners have been doing their job and that the clot had shrunk to about half its original size. And things are still tight, but this was the first in a few months that I wasn't scraping together rent money. Phew!

Like most things in Nature there is no clear beginning or ending, one fading into the other like the colors of the rainbow, so the initiation continues. As long as the clot is there I have a pretty constant feeling of something hanging over my head, but I do feel a corner has been turned and am for the most part confident that a full recovery is imminent.  And the strength and compassion I have gained from all of these experiences is incredible.  So, in no way saying I'd want to do it again, I can sincerely say I am grateful for the past few months.  And I am grateful to be on this side of them!