Belly of the Beast

It is a curious time for me. Curiouser and curiouser. It is the best of times, it is the worst of times. There have been so many shifts lately that there is no single area of my life that has remained unchanged. 

I have touched on the most significant development in earlier posts, and that is the re-recognition of myself as an introvert. The magnitude of what that means is way outside the scope of this entry, being a whole entire post, or twenty, unto its self, but it changes everything.  The effects of it has been to drive me deeper into myself. Run silent, run deep. 

I have long felt like I am skipping across the surface of my life like a stone across a pond. There is all this depth beneath me, holding me up, yet I am stuck glancing off the very top of it.  That's not to say my life is totally superficial or that my path hasn't been in steady development for the duration of my lifetime thus far. In fact I had a great compliment from a former teacher recently who told me how much my medicine had deepened.  Comparatively, though, there is so much more! It's like the difference between Newtonian and Quantum Physics. When the basic parameters of reality itself shifts, you suddenly realize that everything you've ever known, believed, and experienced exists within an even bigger framework, and that there are other basic forces beneath and supporting what you had, up to that point, believed were the basic forces of creation in the Universe. It's like something that's two-dimensional suddenly being given a third dimension.  I don't know if that even makes sense. There is a futility of words to explain all of this. Another analogy is that it's like having a book on your shelf that brings you joy by it's simply being there -- maybe the cover is beautiful or the title speaks to your soul -- yet you haven't actually read it. You might know what it's about in essence, and sense its depth, which perhaps does make you feel a little bit good when you see it on the shelf, but that is nothing compared to the worlds you will discover when you finally dive into it's pages. 

What it really comes down to is the difference between knowing something and being something.  It is the difference between having tools and using tools.  It is taking all the things I've learned on this path and applying them. It is the journey from the Mind to the Heart.  

Regardless, I can not describe the hungry, gnawing, cravings I have lived with, longing for that depth for so long,  nor the frustration and despair that has developed around the failure to heed that call, no matter what the seeming obstacle was -- Knowing there was more but not knowing how to reach it.  

Gratefully clarity has slowly crept in and, though I do not know the way yet, I do not know more than the first few steps, I know there is a journey I can not not undertake.  Everything in my life has led me to this point, standing at this crossroads, ready to embrace everything I have come into this life to do, to experience, to be.  And again words fail to express what I'm truly trying to say here or to express how I truly feel.

A little over a year ago, I had an experience at Faerieworlds, the annual faerie festival I attend in Oregon.  I was just dancing with the rest of the crowd to a Pagan rock band when I suddenly had to stop.  Full brakes.  As in, I couldn't move. It was like my head had exploded in a burst of light. Boom! Crown chakra and third eye blown wide open. And in that moment I felt/experienced him/me that I came here to be.  I don't want to say there was a sense of urgency, but it became very clear that it was time to let go of all the things I hold onto that restrict me and keep me back from realizing that True Self.  When I came back to my senses and back to the present me, I carefully waded out of the crowd and made my way to the stone circle that stood in the middle of the site.  Not caring who was around or what they might think, I unceremoniously plopped myself down on the ground at the center of the circle where I laid back with my arms spread from my sides and my knees in the air with my feet planted firmly on the earth.  I laid there, and laid there, and laid there looking up at the stars and at Cassiopeia who smiled back down upon me.   

And so this is my course.  I have been given a glimpse of my destination, for this juncture of my Earth Walk anyway.  But this past year has been full of practice runs and gathering resources because I wasn't sure where the trailhead was.  It wasn't until my reintroduction to my introvert nature that I discovered the entrance to the trail.  I'd been living a two-dimensional life, and the third dimension was within.

Since that time I have been left with a mental visual of standing next to a great sea, velvety black, and thick almost like molasses, and sparkling with the light of it's own stars.  I am on the very edge, the gentle waves just kissing my toes, and there is a longing deep in my heart to enter those dark waters, a calling of the Sirens, a home-sickness, and I muse that I know about the Unicorn in my soul, but perhaps there is Selkie in my blood as well.

And I know exactly what sea it is.  For many, many years now I've developed my ever-deepening Personal Mythology, a big part of which is my Soul Map, one version-in-progess of which is below.  The inspiration came from a college assignment given to my ex-wife, and my map has been growing and changing and developing ever since, matching metaphorically my own spiritual growth and development. 

My Soul Map

A cartographic representation of my developing soul 

Just to give you an example, there is a mountain in the middle of my island -- bearing remarkable and uncanny resemblances to Mt. Rainier -- called Mt. "Sai Phong," which loosely translates as "Little Phoenix," named for the legends that say it is a volcano with a phoenix sleeping deep inside (as well as for the fact that it was Bruce Lee's Chinese birth name).  The locals are prideful of their Mountain and it's dormant resident, while at the same time they live in fear of the destruction that would ensue should that power ever be released, should the phoenix ever awaken. This story perfectly suited my state of mind when I first moved out to Seattle from Minnesota, recognizing this great power within me, but afraid of unleashing it.  As I've grown through the years, doing much work to step into and own my power, a funny thing has happened to this mountain in the middle of my soul.  It was discovered that this was not a volcano, nor was it even a mountain of stone, but rather it was a mountain of ice, and the ice had begun to melt.  This water had been frozen to protect the heart of the island, but it was starting to flow. Something was awakening, and it was the heart -- And it did not need protecting. Oh, there were and are occasionally floods of the surrounding lands, but for the most part these waters have begun to irrigate and nurture parts of the island, parts of my soul, that were barren and dry, resulting in dense greenery where none had grown,  and more bountiful harvests for the surrounding agricultural communities.

Soul Map insert 

close up of Mt Sai Phong and the N. Adequa Sea

So if you look on the map above, a little northeast of Mt. Sai Phong (toward the bottom of the island on the map) is a swirling body of water. This is the infamous N. Adequa Sea (Inadequacy -- get it?) and it is a dangerous place to be caught on, for without  pattern or warning the entire surface can just drop away, swirling into a massive maelstrom which carries with it to its briny bottom, anything caught in the inescapable clutches of its currents.

This 'flushing' action was a daily, if not hourly, occurrence in the days (and years) of my panic attacks and depression, when every shred of strength and stability I'd mustered would fall away, like the proverbial rug being pulled out, with the bottom of my stomach sinking suddenly to the floor at my feet, leaving me with no solid footing or sense of power whatsoever.  Granted, in the subsequent years the waters have calmed considerably.  There have been storms and whirl pools of varying depths, but generally nothing like the great maelstroms of previous times.  

It had long been theorized by scientists that there must be some sort of valve at the bottom of the sea which, when triggered, would empty the sea's contents into the greater ocean.  There were also legends of a great serpent who lived at the bottom of the briny deep, and it was said it was he who either controlled the aforementioned valve, or actually created the swirling doom by agitatedly swimming in circles beneath the waves.  

More recent discoveries have proven the latter legend half true.  There is a serpent, but he does not live in the sea.  It is the sea that lives in the serpent.  Beneath the surface of the island there is a tremendous serpent whose wide open mouth, pointing to the heavens forms the perimeters of this sea.  And it is when the serpent swallows that the surface of the sea plunges to unfathomable depths, into the belly of the beast. 

There is a stone circle that skirts the edge of the sea, and up til now archeologists believed it to be a sacred site built by an unknown ancient people, perhaps as a warning to anyone who would unwittingly try these treacherous waters, or as a place of worship, honoring the spirit of the great serpent who dwelt beneath the waves. With this new information coming to light, however, it has become clear that the stones forming the circle are in fact the teeth of the behemoth. 

I find it interesting that as I'm realizing the depths of my connection with Snake and his inherent gifts and challenges -- transmuting poison to medicine, shedding the old to expand into the new, etc -- that I discover another serpent in my personal mythos. 

I had always assumed that the goal was to calm the waters and prevent the occurrence of crises, to prevent the great maelstroms and storms of inadequacies, thinking that this would make me stable and safe.  I thought I had to tame the seas and thus would I regain my power.  In more recent years as a whole new outlook has taken hold of my reality and I can no longer view things in a dualistic manner, I realize more and more that this is not the answer.  The answer is not in avoiding something and trying to control it from afar, but it is in diving in and finding the Truth at the basis of those things that drain my sense of power.  Intellectually I know there is no truth beneath the feelings of inadequacy I've felt all my life -- The feelings are valid but the thought and reasons behind those feelings are untrue. To regain my power, to become the man I came here to be,  those unexamined fears that are the source of such fallacies must be faced. I am no longer interested in battling or slaying my demons.  They are simply unintegrated portions of myself that must be welcomed, in balance and compassion, back into the whole.  Easily said, but the fears are still there.  That is where the adventure comes in.  

In the back of my mind is that guided meditation I experienced years ago when the sea turtle I was riding chose to dive rather than to return me to shore as the meditation facilitator had prompted.  Deeper and deeper into darker and darker waters I plunged, perched on the shell of my aquatic steed.  And somewhere in the pitch blackness, amid my rising fear and anxiety, I heard the voice of Goddess, "What could possibly be here that isn't me?" 

And so I stand poised at the edge of the churning, dark waves.  What lies beneath them I can not imagine. All I know is that I can no longer resist the siren song of my soul.  There is nothing now to hold me back.  I must answer. I must plunge into the belly of the beast for what could possibly be there that isn't me?