Pee Here Now

This past Friday I went down to meet my friend who was doing photo shoots in Portland. It was a bit of a rough trip because the past couple weeks have been a little challenging for me, as I was feeling out of sorts, depressed, and physically and emotionally unwell. A variety of different issues have been in my face lately concerning work and what I want to do with my life and if I really can pull off all the things I'd like to do. I tend to think of myself as an optimist and, as an ex-girlfriend was fond of saying, "A Dope-less Hope Fiend", but I was starting to question all of that. Maybe I was just a depressed dork who was fooling himself and was just wasting time believing he'd amount to anything. I was unhappy and maybe that was my natural state and it would never get better. I know that sounds harsh, but that's what I felt like. My stomach and solar plexus chakra -- the place that holds personal power -- was in constant pain and tossy-turviness.





Finally I remembered what I had been told a while back in my Psychic Development class when my teacher decided to channel in order to demonstrate the process for us, and allowed us to ask a couple questions. Bartholomew, the entity coming through her, told me, "You always forget that this is how you feel before you make a big leap forward." Ah-hah! Okay. So I just decided I was about to make another shift, and though that didn't help the discomfort all the way, on some level it definitely helped as I stopped fighting the feelings and judging myself for feeling the way I did. Again I found myself allowing the feelings, whatever they were, and being present with them.




The other thing that helped was what a friend shared with me about something she learned at a class with this Medicine Man we both know. He told them to just breathe, and as you breathe, breathe in "love" and breathe out "love" -- or whatever it is you want to experience. It is so simple and yet so totally profound! I walked around at work all day breathing in 'happiness' and breathing out 'happiness', or groundedness, or centeredness, or whatever, and it did miracles. I realized that I was focusing on my breath -- the number one thing in most, if not all, meditation forms -- as well as repeating a single focused intent, which means there wasn't room for other counter thoughts in my mind. In other words I was being present with my breath, and filling myself and the world around me with what I wanted to create.





Anyway, as I was heading down to Portland I 'd remember to do the breathing. Than I'd forget. Then I'd remember. Then I'd give up on it. Then I'd do it again. It was quite the mixed bag, and it wasn't the most fun I'd ever had on a road trip. At the same time, I just kept surrendering to it, allowing the feelings, keeping focused in my mind, even as my body and heart contracted, that this was all serving a purpose. To my way of thinking, whatever this was, it was what I had to pass through to get to where I wanted to be. This was part of the growth process --the uncomfortable peeling away of old, out-dated thoughts and feelings. I likened it to that brief time of radio silence that astronauts pass through on their way into orbit, and wondered if this was, at least partially, what they talk about as a dark night of the soul. You are totally driving on faith, knowing you're going somewhere when all your other senses try to tell you otherwise.





Whatever it was I figured I had to get through it, as opposed to recoiling from it. If I want to keep growing, I'd have to go through this sooner or later, so may as well make the discomfort and confusion worthwhile and a singular event, rather than something to keep backing away from time after time of starting to feel it. And what did/does it feel like? It literally felt like I was pushing my way slowly through a film. A film that was sticky, prickly, and resistant yet pliable. I felt I was being pushed through the limits and boundaries of my world. And it felt very similar to the period of my life when I was experiencing anxiety attacks. Very uncomfortable, and I rolled back and forth between allowing it and fighting it.





Finally I got to Portland and, having been stuck in the wrong lane on the freeway, I missed the final rest stop before arriving in the city. I drove around to find the place I was suppose to, hours later, meet my friend, and by this time I had to pee really bad. I became very unfocused as I searched for someplace I could go into and use the bathroom, preferably a Starbuck's so I could pee and get a chai. Meanwhile I'm doing the potty dance as I'm driving (not recommended!) and starting to get very nervous as I'm fighting the feeling building in my bladder. Suddenly it struck me, and all of what I'd gone through the previous three hours on the road hit home. I realized I was not present. I was floating somewhere outside my body trying to avoid the discomfort and keep control.





Totally against my natural proclivities, I relaxed. I breathed. I moved my consciousness back into my body, just becoming aware of what I felt. On some level, everything we experience is just that -- an experience. Approached with curiosity -- "What does this really feel like?" -- I felt the pressure lessen and not feel so urgent. It was still there, but only as an indicator that it was time to take a certain action.





It reminded me of times when I allowed myself to feel hunger -- to experience it rather than blindly react to it. Remain conscious of it objectively and observe how it feels. No good or bad. Just "is-ness". Cool!





Of course, when I finally pulled into a grocery store and got the bathroom key, well, I worked at remaining present then too. It's all experience. It's all God/Goddess/Divine. Be here now. Pee here now.