Down And Out

It has been one heck of a weekend. For at least a week I've been feeling a bit down, but I just chalked that up to events going on around me -- the on set of Winter with her shorter periods of sunlight, as well as possibly taking on some of the challenges currently facing friends and loved ones.

This past weekend, however, having spent the majority of both days sleeping on the couch, and not in a refreshing, recharging-batteries, kind of way but because I just didn't have the energy or emotional stamina to do anything else. Trying to move felt like moving through a thick soup of some sort. I lay there absolutely drained, in the midst of heaviness, sadness, loneliness, and other such states, along with a stomach that would not settle down, I realized this was too familiar an experience to be anyone else's stuff but my own. The flash backs of an anxiety and depression soaked existence began to haunt me and I began to recognize the familiar thoughts floating through my mind, mostly in the form of a single question, "What's wrong with me?" I felt exasperated -- Haven't I gone through this enough times already? Haven't I grown past it yet?

And my dreams of late have been intense, bizarre, and not very restful at all, contributing to my tiredness and edginess. I've wondered if that has anything to do with the retreat we are going on in a couple weeks for my shamna class -- a retreat specifically on dreams. I will also be participating in two separate sweat lodges coming up in a two week period. So it's understandable that there are a lot of things moving to be cleared right now. I've heard that from the time you agree to take part in a ceremony such as a sweat lodge or this retreat, you actually are already beginning the processes that take place at such ceremonies.

As my Reiki teacher friend asked tonight, as we hugged good night after a Halloween dinner we'd both attended -- "Another shamanic death?" "Uh-huh..." I replied with a sigh. And it wasn't lost on me the timing of this particular death/rebirth on Samhain -- Halloween -- when the veil between the worlds is the thinnest.

But at least I have grown. At least I am beginning to recognize when these things start -- maybe not right away, but it only takes a day or two. It's still not fun or easy, but knowing what's going on helps alot. And unlike the past, I was able to eventually overcome my immobility, in order to ground and clear myself enough to do around 10 card readings last night. I also, despite my slothful heaviness, was able to have the following text conversation with my friend yesterday. I responded to a text from her by telling her I was feeling "kinda out of it and kinda depressed," and as she continued to fail to reply to each of my responses, the following texts just slowly, one by one, trickled out...

"Could be cuz I fell asleep w/ my laptop on my solar plexus..."

"...I think it sucked out my soul..."

"...And right this moment someone is buying it on ebay..."

"...which means I'll probly have 2 reincarnate as an amoeba next time 2 start building a new soul..."

"...Especially since I lost the receipt for the first 1..."