For Thanksgiving day this year I made another list of 101 things I'm grateful for. Then I was sooo grateful to be let out of my day-job early that I forgot to take the list home with me. But following is a reconstructed list:
1. Oatmeal Scotchies 2. Pirate Movies 3. Alexandre Dumas 4. Joseph Campbell 5. Horse Whisperers 6. My Parents... 7. ...and My Siblings -- and the fact that we all get along so well 8. My Growing Family of Friends 9. That there are too many people in my life that I'm grateful for to name them individually here 10. Uillieann Pipes 11. Magpies 12. Fire Flies 13. Firefly 14. Reunions through Facebook with people I never thought I'd connect with again 15. Synchronicities 16. Kindred Spirits and Mateys 17. The Faery Folk who blink and flash through my apartment 18. Ewan McGregor's Voice 19. Everyday Magick and Miracles 20. Gene Roddenbury 21. The satisfying 'thunk' of a loosed arrow sinking into cardboard and straw 22. Curling 23. Tarzan, who kept my young heart wild 24. Charles Schulz 25. My Celtic Irish Heritage 26. Santa 27. Still being in the Land of the Living after the trials of the past few months 28. Campfires 29. Wood Smoke 30. The majestic silence of the woods 31. When Mount Rainier turns strawberry red in the setting sun's light 32. Jackalopes 33. Rainbows 34. Unicorns 35. Egg Nog 36. Chai 37. Egg Nog Chai 38. Hope 39. Inspiration 40. Drum Circles 41. Shamanism 42. All my teachers and guides, physical and non-physical, human and non-human 43. Faerieworlds 44. Skinny Dipping 45. Crullers 46. Bollywood Numbers 47. Story Tellers 48. Flying Reindeer 49. Herbie 50. Mr Rogers 51. All the Disney movies that instilled in me the importance of wishing on stars and knowing dreams come true 52. Whose Line Is It Anyway? (the Drew Carey version) 53. Kissing 54. Bare Feet on the Earth 55. Lao Tzu 56. Big Dogs 57. Abraham Hicks 58. The Spirit that lives in all things 59. Hurdy Gurdys 60. That there are people in the world who speak fluent Klingon... 61. ...and Who go to the trouble of translating Shakespeare and Dickens into it 62. Bruce Lee 63. Graphic Novels 64. That Love is the greatest power in the Universe 65. That Love is the only power in the Universe 66. Grandmother Moon 67. Shooting Stars 68. MY Furry Feline Children 69. Minnesota 70. Movies in the theater 71. Reiki 72. Lisa Williams 73. That no matter how afraid or freaked out I get because of what I think is going on, or what things look like, I am always safe and nothing can threaten who and what I truly am 74. Deloreans 75. Sun Dappled Forest Floors 76. Feathers and Beads 77. IDIC (Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations -- it's a Star Trek thing) 78. African Wild Dogs 79. Snuggling 80. Mucha 81. Barristas who give me a grande chai when I ordered a tall 82. Dr Suess 83. Dr Doolittle 84. Dr Quinn 85. My Awesome Naturopath 86. Weird Al 87. Brad Paisley 88. Ewan McGregor's Smile 89. Filk Songs 90. Celebrating both Christmas and Solstice 91. Pinky Promised Fiancees 92. Ecstatic Dance 93. Rituals with lots of dancing and singing and laughing 94. Quantum Physics 95. The Oxford English Dictionary 96. Romantic Comedies 97. Sarah Brightman 98. Wagner 99. Hugs 100. Puppets (especially Muppets) 101. That there are soooo many more things I'm grateful for than fit in this list!!
...And a very special Thank YOU for reading my blog! xo
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
All My Relations
There are many lessons coming out of my recent experiences with a potentially life-threatening situation, some of which I'd already known on a mental level, but that were really brought home by this experience. The one, though, that has really struck the deepest is the one about the true Oneness of the Universe.
A few months ago I posted about how I'd done a shamanic journey to meet the spirit of Zoloft (Quest For The Hol-Z Grail), and inspired by that experience I wanted to connect with the spirit of Warfarin - the blood thinner I am on to give my body the chance to reabsorb the blood clot they found in my leg. I didn't do a full journey, but I went into a meditative state and asked to meet the aforementioned spirit. What happened next was nothing I could have predicted. A smokey, spiraling cloud rose up before me, reminiscent of I Dream of Jeannie, and then at the top of the pillar of smoke appeared the torso of a man. Though they were closed, I swear I rolled my eyes, because I recognized the man in question. It was Jeeves, the famous butler (...sorry - "Valet") from the P.G. Wodehouse books. Part of the eye roll was because I'd just been watching the television series starring Fry and Laurie.
This Jeeves-genie looked at me, in his ever calm and collected manner, and with a very subtle hint of a smile, said...
Here was the spirit of an artificial, human-made, medication -- something I would have fought in the past -- connecting and assuring me 'he' was here to do his best to serve me and my healing. Now I am still prone to choose natural medicines over artificial ones, but what this reminded me -- as did the journey with Zoloft -- is that everything really is One and that the Universe will use whatever is in front of you to bring you home. One quote I've never forgotten came from a workshop I attended years ago with the channeled being Bartholomew. He said, "Whatever it is, it is God." There is only One substance, One energy, One being.
This just fanned the fires of my passion for Shamanism as I realized this whole approach to life is about connecting with things -- the spirits of things -- and recognizing the Spirit That Lives In All Things. Who is there to threaten or fight with us when there is only one of us here? As I wrote in a song many years ago...
When we know who we are
Then we are free
And there's no such thing as 'they'
Because there is only 'we'
And it reminded me of an experience I had drawn a comic about, from a guided meditation I'd done...
Recognition of the oneness of life and the Spirit of all things, is central to shamanism. And, though it has not hushed all my human and egoic fears and worries, I find that attitude ever more deeply rooted in the way I approach things. As I sat there one day, allowing my leg recuperation time, I realized that my body is not the enemy. Even the clot that, had it gone undetected could have eventually taken my life, was not an enemy. Everything happens with a purpose and there truly is a gift in everything.
And more importantly, there is Spirit in everything -- even according to Quantum Physics everything has consciousness, or perhaps more accurately is a consciousness. Everything is part of the same system, the same consciousness -- as I have heard from Jeshua for close to 20 years, "There is no separation." With no separation, the Universe and everything in it becomes part of a dance, not a battle. Everything is relative. Everything is my relative. No matter what it is, it is All My Relations!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Bulldozers and Bodhi Trees
Recently someone posted a photo online that really affected me. I have been unable to find it again and don't remember who posted it (so if after my description you realize it was you, please let me know), but what it pictured, from a little distance away, was a massive bulldozer surrounded by forest, and some feet in front of it, in the middle of a swath of bared earth, a lone figure of a man standing straight and tall as if staring down the metal behemoth. The chills that ran up my spine were almost identical to those I experienced when I first saw that famous footage of the student facing down the tanks in Beijing.
The difference was that this was somewhere deep in the jungles. It was not being televised to countless numbers of others. With the exception of the photographer, there was possibly no one else here to witness, support, or do anything if the bulldozer continued in its path, and therefore no extra social pressure for the driver to stop. The world was not watching.
Now, for just a second, with all of that in your mind, place yourself in the shoes of this man...
Can you feel the absolute courage and surrender that is necessary for him to be standing in that spot at that moment? Of course fear is present too, but stronger is the conviction that this is worth facing death for, and the willingness to let go of everything he loves and holds dear in this life for one single instant of truth. Nothing else exists at this moment but this moment. The future hovers tauntingly over and around him, with a fork in the river of his life staring him in the eye with a cheshire grin... ...Okay, so I've experienced this moment...
Beyond the politics and particulars of this specific situation, there is a mythic dimension that beckons me with the question, "What bulldozers in your life are you willing to face down?" There is a cycle in my life where things just go along, dum-dee-dum-dee-dum, but slowly a feeling builds, an itchiness for something, and the fabric of my life, which has up to this point formed a seamless background, begins to unwind in the whiffs of illusion that it is, and I find myself at a point where, again, I must let go of the convenient smoke and mirrors of the untruths in my life and surrender to the bigger Truth of existence -- of my existence.
There comes a point when I begin to realize how many false beliefs I am holding -- how their weight drags me down and drains my strength in the heavy toll they demand for carrying them. Egoic beliefs such as how powerless, or how hopeless, or how stupid I am. The only thing to do, then, is to set them down, and stand there, waiting for my destiny, my Truth, to make itself known -- to find me. These are simultaneously the most vulnerable and most powerful moments of my life. This is the shamanic death and rebirth.
I can't help but think of the story of the Buddha. After unsuccessfully trying every possible path to enlightenment, Siddhartha finally sat beneath a Bodhi tree determined that he would not move from this place until he was either dead or enlightened. I keep tripping over words to describe this state because it really can't be described, only experienced. But this drive toward truth, the Truth that lies beneath all being, is so familiar to me that I can resonate with the Buddha sitting beneath the Bodhi.
A few years ago I sat in the woods myself for three days and this was exactly how I felt. There is an undeniable truth of my being -- a part of me that exists beyond time, beyond duality, indestructible and immortal. My true being, my essence. This was the object of my quest, to experience, embrace, and become that, and there was no one here but me and the Divine to sort it out -- to hold to the truth and let all that is false fall away. There was my shaman friend who brought me 4oz of pomegranate juice twice a day, but she and the other three friends who were supporting me energetically were camped some distance away. And, though remote, I realized there was a possibility that I could die. Cougar and bear sightings in this area were not uncommon. But I was in total surrender, trusting there was purpose, letting go of everything and everyone.
Synchronistically, last night I attended the monthly gathering where a friend of mine channels Jeshua, and one of things he said was that, if you take the word "alone" apart it says "all one." There is this subtle yet profound truth here that I have become increasingly aware of, about what it really means to be free. And I have to admit it scares me to my depths! At the same time I can see it is really the only path for me and behind the smokey wisps of fear is an indescribable power, and joy, and rightness of being. To be totally free you can not hang onto anything, or perhaps a better way of saying it is you must hold everything with an open hand -- the detachment spoken of in Buddhism and other Eastern ways. So the paradox seems to be that to become one with all, you have to be alone -- To realize oneness you must separate yourself from everything you thought or believed. It is about Illusion and Truth, Fear and Love.
The tricky thing to realize is that it is not a battle between two equal and opposing forces -- Good and Evil. Mountain v.s. Mountain as a friend used to say. The powers involved are Love and Fear, and in actuality Fear is not a power -- it is an absence of power, the absence of Love. Even that statement is not totally accurate because Love is the only power in the Universe and there can not be an absence of it. Fear is the Illusion of the belief in the absence of Love. Fear is not real. As someone who experienced years of daily anxiety attacks, I can say that the feelings of fear are very real and valid, but the beliefs those fears are based on are not real or true.
During my last big bout with Panic Attacks and Depression a few years ago, I spent a couple months recovering at my parent's home, and every single day I went for a two mile walk. With every single step I reaffirmed the validity of my feelings and at the same time the fact (despite overwhelming evidence from my overwrought nerves and brain) that the feelings were not based on Truth.
Perhaps this is the price of being an Artist, a Visionary, a Shamanic Practioner, a Spiritual Warrior. Not so much picking the 'right' side in a dualistic battle, but holding to the Truth -- the Truth you know and feel in your heart of heart of hearts -- no matter what countering demons, fears, and illusions rise against you, threatening your very destruction; No matter how many countless people can not see what you see. And yet for me it is a choiceless choice. I can not be any other way. And I have to acknowledge to myself my own strength and tenacity, because no matter what happens in my life and how down or anxious -- to the point of nervous breakdown -- I get, or how infinitesimally small it may seem, I never lose that grain of hope, that deep, abiding and underlying sense of connection, the sacredness and oneness of All.
Love is real. Love is the only reality.
And as my favorite quote from A Course in Miracles states:
The difference was that this was somewhere deep in the jungles. It was not being televised to countless numbers of others. With the exception of the photographer, there was possibly no one else here to witness, support, or do anything if the bulldozer continued in its path, and therefore no extra social pressure for the driver to stop. The world was not watching.
Now, for just a second, with all of that in your mind, place yourself in the shoes of this man...
Can you feel the absolute courage and surrender that is necessary for him to be standing in that spot at that moment? Of course fear is present too, but stronger is the conviction that this is worth facing death for, and the willingness to let go of everything he loves and holds dear in this life for one single instant of truth. Nothing else exists at this moment but this moment. The future hovers tauntingly over and around him, with a fork in the river of his life staring him in the eye with a cheshire grin... ...Okay, so I've experienced this moment...
Beyond the politics and particulars of this specific situation, there is a mythic dimension that beckons me with the question, "What bulldozers in your life are you willing to face down?" There is a cycle in my life where things just go along, dum-dee-dum-dee-dum, but slowly a feeling builds, an itchiness for something, and the fabric of my life, which has up to this point formed a seamless background, begins to unwind in the whiffs of illusion that it is, and I find myself at a point where, again, I must let go of the convenient smoke and mirrors of the untruths in my life and surrender to the bigger Truth of existence -- of my existence.
There comes a point when I begin to realize how many false beliefs I am holding -- how their weight drags me down and drains my strength in the heavy toll they demand for carrying them. Egoic beliefs such as how powerless, or how hopeless, or how stupid I am. The only thing to do, then, is to set them down, and stand there, waiting for my destiny, my Truth, to make itself known -- to find me. These are simultaneously the most vulnerable and most powerful moments of my life. This is the shamanic death and rebirth.
I can't help but think of the story of the Buddha. After unsuccessfully trying every possible path to enlightenment, Siddhartha finally sat beneath a Bodhi tree determined that he would not move from this place until he was either dead or enlightened. I keep tripping over words to describe this state because it really can't be described, only experienced. But this drive toward truth, the Truth that lies beneath all being, is so familiar to me that I can resonate with the Buddha sitting beneath the Bodhi.
A few years ago I sat in the woods myself for three days and this was exactly how I felt. There is an undeniable truth of my being -- a part of me that exists beyond time, beyond duality, indestructible and immortal. My true being, my essence. This was the object of my quest, to experience, embrace, and become that, and there was no one here but me and the Divine to sort it out -- to hold to the truth and let all that is false fall away. There was my shaman friend who brought me 4oz of pomegranate juice twice a day, but she and the other three friends who were supporting me energetically were camped some distance away. And, though remote, I realized there was a possibility that I could die. Cougar and bear sightings in this area were not uncommon. But I was in total surrender, trusting there was purpose, letting go of everything and everyone.
Synchronistically, last night I attended the monthly gathering where a friend of mine channels Jeshua, and one of things he said was that, if you take the word "alone" apart it says "all one." There is this subtle yet profound truth here that I have become increasingly aware of, about what it really means to be free. And I have to admit it scares me to my depths! At the same time I can see it is really the only path for me and behind the smokey wisps of fear is an indescribable power, and joy, and rightness of being. To be totally free you can not hang onto anything, or perhaps a better way of saying it is you must hold everything with an open hand -- the detachment spoken of in Buddhism and other Eastern ways. So the paradox seems to be that to become one with all, you have to be alone -- To realize oneness you must separate yourself from everything you thought or believed. It is about Illusion and Truth, Fear and Love.
The tricky thing to realize is that it is not a battle between two equal and opposing forces -- Good and Evil. Mountain v.s. Mountain as a friend used to say. The powers involved are Love and Fear, and in actuality Fear is not a power -- it is an absence of power, the absence of Love. Even that statement is not totally accurate because Love is the only power in the Universe and there can not be an absence of it. Fear is the Illusion of the belief in the absence of Love. Fear is not real. As someone who experienced years of daily anxiety attacks, I can say that the feelings of fear are very real and valid, but the beliefs those fears are based on are not real or true.
During my last big bout with Panic Attacks and Depression a few years ago, I spent a couple months recovering at my parent's home, and every single day I went for a two mile walk. With every single step I reaffirmed the validity of my feelings and at the same time the fact (despite overwhelming evidence from my overwrought nerves and brain) that the feelings were not based on Truth.
Perhaps this is the price of being an Artist, a Visionary, a Shamanic Practioner, a Spiritual Warrior. Not so much picking the 'right' side in a dualistic battle, but holding to the Truth -- the Truth you know and feel in your heart of heart of hearts -- no matter what countering demons, fears, and illusions rise against you, threatening your very destruction; No matter how many countless people can not see what you see. And yet for me it is a choiceless choice. I can not be any other way. And I have to acknowledge to myself my own strength and tenacity, because no matter what happens in my life and how down or anxious -- to the point of nervous breakdown -- I get, or how infinitesimally small it may seem, I never lose that grain of hope, that deep, abiding and underlying sense of connection, the sacredness and oneness of All.
Love is real. Love is the only reality.
And as my favorite quote from A Course in Miracles states:
"Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists."
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