A Pair of Sweats

This past weekend for my Shaman Class we went on a "Dream Retreat." As part of the weekend, Friday night (or actually Saturday morning) they offered an optional sweat lodge. Of course most of the people jumped at the chance and, in fact there were so many of us there that they actually did 3 lodges that night, the last one going in around 3:30 in the morning.

Anyway, for the second time in just over a week I chose not to take part in an opportunity to sweat. Both times were kind of soul-searching moments for me, and though I wrestled with it, doubted myself, and almost went against it, I finally ended up following my guidance to not participate. It was a bit confusing as I wondered why wouldn't it be good for me to do a sweat lodge? I've done them before and they are very healing and very sacred -- so what was the problem, especially since White Buffalo Calf Woman, the one who brought these ceremonies to the people, has become almost a personal guide and adoptive Mother to me?

In both cases I was given this interesting vision where I saw the lodge, and I watched my path unfold nearby, but not through, the lodge. I kept hearing, "It's not your path."

The first one was easy enough to let go of, partially because I was able to fill in as a fire tender and so still take an active part in the ceremony. I also knew this second lodge was coming up and I assumed I'd do that one, especially since it was part of the retreat. I still felt slightly embarrassed at the first one, and timidly asked the woman pouring the lodge (the one who runs the lodge and 'pours' the water on the heated rocks) if it were okay for me to stay outside, as if I needed permission. I'm still learning that following my guidance is enough of a reason not to do something, no matter what others may think -- which may actually be the main reason I was guided not to go into either lodge: To listen to my own guidance over the opinion of others. Spiritual peer-pressure is an interesting thing.

I did get my second chance about a week later, but as excited as I was for the retreat, my heart chakra was very closed -- to the point of being painful. For some reason every time I thought of the lodge, my chest would tighten, and having been raised in this particular society, I assumed it meant that it was something I had to do to overcome my feelings about, and just push through it for my own good. But the closer we got to lodge time, the tighter my chest got, and the more clouded my mind became. Then, on the example of my teacher and some TAs, I just sat quietly and asked my heart 3 times what was right for me. The 3 times eventually became probably 300, but every time I asked, I would see that same vision of my path bypassing the sweat lodge. The thought of going inside made me feel tight and anxious while the thought of abstaining felt light and freeing.

As I finally, tentatively, made the decision to pass on the experience, I began to feel more myself again, as my self-confidence returned along with a clearer head. "Interesting..." I thought. Martha Beck talks about the "shackles on and shackles off" response -- how certain things make you feel free and others are restrictive, and how that really is the basics of listening to your intuition. So I had my answer. Easy enough. Sometimes things are difficult because it means you're going the wrong way and need to change direction, duh!! The tricky part would be to stick by my answer despite what others may think.

I actually had nothing to worry about, and the few people I told about my decision were supportive, even if they didn't understand. Even my dear friend, who is taking this program with me, and who really wanted me to go into lodge with her. Still I was very self-conscious about it and kept my decision mostly to myself, and just curled up deeper into my sleeping bag when the group I would have been in, went into lodge at 3:30am. Fleeting thoughts and doubts flew through my mind on my motivations, my fear being that it was fear holding me back. But then I fell asleep.

The next day my friend came to me and told me I had been in lodge. "Really?" I asked rather surprised. She said yes, and told me how she'd seen and felt my presence there very strongly, like I was helping watch over and hold space for everyone there. I laughed because that had been my intention as I'd fallen asleep, thinking about the circle of women outside who were on their moon-time, and thus being considered to be too powerful to be in lodge, who were acting as the visionaries for the lodges. I actually felt more drawn to, and comfortable, with that role rather than being inside, and had even joked to my friend earlier that maybe I was just on my period.

My friend admitted to me about being disappointed at my physical absence from the lodge, but said that when she inquired to her guides, they told her, "It's not his path." I was dumbstruck for a moment and then threw my arms around my friend, whispering, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Then I told her about my vision, and the exact words I had heard from my guides. Up to that point I had still been a bit unsure of myself, but you can't get much clearer validation than that!

Later I talked to one of the people who were in charge of the lodges and mentioned that I hadn't gone in. The response was interesting, and I recognized it as the one I'd expected all along --The feeling that I'd skipped the lodge out of fear. Now with the solid validity of my experience, it didn't phase me -- "Ah, we'll getcha' sooner or later. Ya can't run forever!"