I found myself in an uncomfortable position where my heart was telling me something totally different from what this particular woman's heart was apparently telling her. As much as I would have loved to fall into the same fairy tale visions she was having, I had to listen to my heart which told me something wasn't right and I did not belong in this match.
So after a couple failed attempts to back away gracefully, I had to finally break away completely. Still, even in parting, and even with the full volume and clarity of my heart telling me I'd done the right thing, there was this tiny, little voice asking, "But what if she was right? What if we really are meant to be together? What if I just made the biggest mistake of my life?" What the heck?!
This had been the over-riding undercurrent (if there can be such a thing... ;) ) of the entire 2 weeks I'd known her. That she knew we were meant to be together but it was my free will choice to do so or not, the understanding being that if I chose other than her it would be a mistake and my life would never be as great as it otherwise could be. In other words, it was my free will to chose, only there was a right choice and a wrong choice. Even as I write that out, every particle of my being screams out in protest to that way of thinking, yet there I was thinking it.
Thankfully this incongruency finally got my attention and I was able to pull myself out of asking, "Why am I feeling/thinking like this?" enough to realize that I wasn't. This was still her stuff! Holy crap! Final little tendrils that had found an opening in my own self-doubts to hook into, and mask themselves as my own thoughts.
I had already been doing some cord cutting (see my post Cut a-CORD-ingly for a more in-depth explanation of that practice), releasing whatever energetic ties she had with me in order to withdraw my personal power from her and the situation, and to move forward -- whole and in one piece. This 'aha' moment, however, made me realize that there could still be tiny cords that were able to sneak under the radar and still be siphoning off small amounts of my energy and power, affecting how I thought and felt.
What came to me next was nothing short of revolutionary. I stopped where I was, closed my eyes, and in my head (as to not totally freak out my coworkers) I screamed, "Flame on!" In an instant I visualized my entire body and being engulfed in flames. It was the fires of my own inner light bursting forth, Phoenix-like from the ashes, and burning off everything that wasn't innately mine. All cords and ties that didn't originate with me were seered off, leaving me totally and completely in my own power.
The thing is that these fires were pure Love. There was no judgement, or anger, or blame. There was no room for those things. Just pure, ecstatic Love. Radiant. Self-sustaining. In fact there was no room for anyone else because this was a full, unfiltered expression of me at my essence.
This all occurred on a Friday, and for the entire weekend after performing this radical new cord-cutting method, I was totally in my own power with nary a nudge from the other party. "How cool is that? It really worked!" I thought, until that Monday when I received a couple emails averaging around 6 pages each. Okay. I know sometimes these things need to be repeated until they take. I had already, very clearly and precisely, ended things with her so I didn't want to engage in more conversation. There was nothing to converse about seeing as there was nothing between us, and doing so would only create more energetic cords tying us together.
Besides cutting energetic cords, I cut practical ones as well, blocking her from my phone, email, and Facebook, but was beginning to get a little concerned. I started feeling protective of myself and even a little frightened, running 'what if' scenarios in my head about what to do if she showed up on my doorstep. I tried repeating my "Phoenix Flame" method from Friday, but the flames didn't seem as strong, nor did I as lingering doubts continued to hover and drain my sense of power.
Then this morning, on my way to work I realized why I was feeling that way. The initial 'Phoenix Flame' had been solely centered on myself, regaining my power and center. She didn't even enter into that equation. But here I was focusing on her -- getting away from her, staying safe from her. It wasn't working now because I was giving her the power to control and affect me. She was the center of my focus and you can't cut ties with something you're focused on! Not that there aren't practical, real world concerns, but I had to refocus on my life, my path, and again take her out of the equation. As I had learned years ago, from an episode of Brother Cadfael, there is a huge world of difference between running from something and running toward something. I had to stop running from her and running toward myself.
So I reset my bearings toward my personal North Star (Second to the right and straight on til morning), following my guidance to the path of my fullest expression, where it doesn't matter what she, or anyone else does. This is about me -- Taking the lessons I've learned from this experience and moving forward to embrace my wholeness and power, by which this holographic world and all around me heal.
By ferocious feathered Phoenix flame
Over the world I roar my name
And all I am I boldly claim
Forever me, never the same
Reborn by fires too wild to tame
FLAME ON!
FLAME ON!
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