Fear of Fliaring

So there is this shaman class coming up that I had wanted to take. In fact it is THE shaman class you need to take in order to take any of the other classes offered by the Foundation For Shamanic Studies, the organization begun by Michael Harner -- The man most responsible for bringing shamanism to the west and creating what has come to be known as Core Shamanism -- The basic forms of shamanic practice common to most, if not all, shamanic cultures beneath the various religious and cultural trappings, which is what makes it accessible to anyone regardless of belief system.


I was originally excited when I discovered this class was going to be taking place in Seattle and I assumed I would be taking it. However, as it got closer, and my bank account dipped a bit low, I realized I wouldn't be able to go. I was disappointed on one hand, but okay with it on another. From somewhere came the conviction that if I were meant to take the class, if it were in my best interest and on my path, I would be led to the means to do so. Otherwise I trusted that, for whatever reason, my future did not require that class, at least at this time or with this particular teacher.


So having resolved myself to not taking it, I went to my monthly shaman circle. My teacher is the one who organizes and coordinates this class, getting it set up for the visiting instructor, and as everyone was packing up and getting ready to go after circle, out of the blue she asked if I were going to take it so that I'd be able to take their other classes. I replied that I had intended to, but I just didn't have the money right now. She then told me that, if I were to put fliars up in the various coffee shops and stuff around Seattle that she could give me a big price cut. "Okay!" I thought. "Maybe I am suppose to take the class!" So I accepted this very gracious offer.


Now, we had made a similar agreement earlier when I first began taking classes with her, only to have me back out because, like one friend told me, "You just don't seem like the 'fliaring' kind of person." I don't know Seattle that well, since I actually live a bit South of there, and had a really hard time wrapping my mind around putting up fliars in places I had no idea existed, or where. It was a bit overwhelming.


This time, however, perhaps partially because of my earlier 'failure', I was determined to make it work. I went to the local library and printed out a bunch of the fliars and was ready to figure this thing out, walking up and down the streets if I had to in order to find places to distribute them. I never got that far.


The Friday night before I planned to head out I checked my bank account. I had $100 to my name. Ru-roh. How did that happen? I woke up the next morning almost in tears, not knowing what to do while the stack of fliars sat quietly on my table awaiting my decision. I floundered back and forth about it until somewhere around noon when finally I decided to go for it. I can spare some money for gas and could just be extra careful with the rest of it until payday the following Thursday.



With renewed determination I headed out toward my goal, stopping first at an ATM to withdraw gas money... Ru-roh. I now had only $58.58 in my account. By the time I was done driving to Seattle, blindly driving up and down looking for places to fliar, then driving home again, I would easily spend $20. One third of my balance.


Crap! There was no way I could justify spending that money now! I drove across the street to the library, intending to get online there and figure different options. Before I got out of the car a friend called. Called me back actually. I had called her, as well as a couple other friends, earlier that morning in order to just talk to someone, but none of them were available then. So, miraculously here she was exactly when I needed her.



She had just gone on her lunch break from a shaman class she was taking, and was in great spirits and a perfect place to help me put my stuff in perspective. By the end of our brief conversation, while she walked her dog in stead of eating lunch before dashing back to class, she helped me admit that I wasn't disappointed about the possibility of missing the class, or about the prospect of losing the chance to cover Seattle in fliars. The only reason I could pin point that I felt bad was that I had promised something that I wasn't going to be able to follow through on. That I was letting someone down -- and it wasn't the first time I had done so with this particular person. In other words I did not feel a tug of the heart strings propelling me forward toward the class or in fliaring to get to the class. Ah!



So as my friend returned to class and I hung up with this new realization in my mind, in that very instant -- seriously!! -- the rain that had been falling since early morning just ceased. The sun came out. The birds began to sing. I'm not making this up!! I had to smile to myself, "Okay guys! I get it!"


I went into the library, got on the computer, and sent my teacher an email, telling her the whole story, what I had decided and why, and ended by saying I hoped she knew how much I respect her.



I headed back out to my car when a second friend returned my call. I explained things to her and, because we were suppose to go to Gaia's Temple and a special brunch the next morning together, asked if it would be alright if she drove so I could conserve money. Without really even thinking about it, she came back with offering to loan me $100 until I get paid. Wow! One of my latest lessons is to learn to allow others to help me, so I humbly and graciously accepted. That definitely eased my tension a bit, and we continued to talk for a half hour.



After I got off the phone and had gone back into the library, a third friend, my best friend and sister, texted me. Earlier at the ATM, the figure 58.58 caught my attention, and I'd texted her because she has a Doreen Virtue book that includes the significance of various numbers you may happen to see as you go about your day, hidden messages from the angels. Her text said:

5s and 8s -This number sequence signifies that you are in the 11th hour, right before the change. Do not fear it, as you will be supported and loved throughout this change, which is now imminent.


...how perfect is that for where I am?!



She started texting more, asking how I was and everything, than finally decided just to call. Because I had helped her with rent a few times, she felt she owed me money (which I insisted I didn't expect back. I don't give anything that I'm not ready to let go of.) and she and her house mate decided that was an appropriate time to pay some back. "And," she pointed out, "This way it is your money and you don't have to pay anyone back for it."



"Do you have food?" she asked. I mumbled something. "Okay, you're coming to dinner here tonight -- and every night this coming week." I was standing in the lobby of the library, tears starting to roll down my cheeks. "Thanks for making me cry in the library!" "You're welcome! See you in a little while." I love my friends!!



As I left the library it occurred to me that it wasn't until I decided not to do the fliaring that not one, but two money offers appeared, one on top of the other. I realized that, had I been suppose to fliar, then the money would have been there before I headed up to Seattle.



Later I checked in with my guides to see what they had to say, and they pretty much unanimously agreed -- "You were thinking with your head again. Not your heart!" From the beginning I had assumed I needed to do certain things, had figured out logically what the puzzle pieces were that I needed to piece together in order to get to where I was going. I had to take this class to get to another class, etc. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't work that way. The mind is the servant of the heart, not the other way around. I told my teacher that in the future I would check in with my heart before agreeing to things, making sure there was a feeling of being drawn toward something (What Joseph Campbell calls "Following your bliss"), and I pledged to myself to begin, as much as I can, to live from my heart.



My teacher was very understanding and kind about it all, and about taking the class she told me, "The class would probably not be a massive portal for you - you have taken this stuff already. You have a soul retrieval coming up and that is most important. It is good that you trust your guides."



I am so fortunate to be surrounded by the people who are in my life!