A Tail of Two Kitties

The other day at work one of my co-workers was having an interesting conversation with a customer. The customer had at one point lent her horse to a family for a 4-H project and they just never returned it. Later when she tried to go back to retrieve it, they refused, seeing as their vet had told them that they had been paying to feed it for long enough that the horse was now legally theirs. I thought to myself, "That can't be right!" and I started getting a bit miffed on her behalf. But as she left I got hit by another emotion - guilt. "Crap! I thought I'd already resolved that!"

When my ex-wife and I were together we had gotten our first cat. Her name is Emmie -- well, HRH Emmie, although she does answer to "Princess" or "Your Highness". When I originally left my marriage I allowed my ex to keep Emmie, which was difficult in itself because she was my little girl too, but I figured I didn't know yet where I was going to end up so Emmie would be better off where she was. Plus she would be a comfort to my ex, partially because it was another soul to keep her company and partially because it was her late father who had given us the money to get Emmie in the first place. It saddened me, but I knew it was for the best, and me and my ex were still on pretty good terms so I did occasionally get to see my green-eyed girl.

So life moved on, as it is wont to do, and I got my own place. In a series of odd events, I soon filled my home with a feline soul of my own. Mr Timmons had been a stray who regularly wandered through the backyard of my then girlfriend. One night I get a call from her saying she had gotten the kitty, who was increasingly and alarmingly thinner and thinner, into a carrier and wondered if I would take him. Ready or not, and I had my doubts, I had a new boarder. We took him to the vet the next day, jaundiced yellow eyes and all, and were told if we had waited one more day he probably wouldn't have made it. Phew! Still gives me the willies to think about that.

So I had a little brash rogue of a kitty running around my place. As he explored my apartment he would occasionally stand up on his hind feet, very meerkat like, and thus I dubbed him "Timmons" after Timmon of the Lion King. "Oh no," my girlfriend insisted, "That's not enough! He is Mr Timmons!" It was only later that I realized Timmons was the name of the wagon driver in Dances With Wolves who drove Kevin Costner's character out to his post. Incidentally there is also a character in a Shakespeare play with the name Timmons -- King Lear I think.

Anyway, he and I stuck together beyond that girlfriend, and were getting quite comfortable in our bachelor pad, when something happened to change our destinies forever. My ex-wife became a groupie. She was originally suppose to be gone for a month when she asked if I would take Emmie in for a while, then she would come back and claim her again after that time. I helped her pack up her apartment, put it all in storage, and took Emmie back to my place.

The month my ex was suppose to be gone slipped by and turned into months, as people just kept giving her tickets and fare to get to the next concert. She followed the band all the way across the country, literally from coast to coast, until she ended up in New York City. I, and every one I tell about that, marvel at and admire her for that. How many people would love to have the courage to live day to day, no responsibilities, and follow their favorite band across the country? It's the stuff books and movies are made of -- and being the talented writer she is I expect her book about the experience to hit the shelves any day.

After the excitement of the road, and with no money left, she ended up going to her parents' house in Kentucky, and I breathed a sigh of relief knowing she was no longer on the road. She has been there ever since. That was two years ago.

During that time she would email me occasionally for Emmie updates and talk about how she missed her and couldn't wait to get her back again. I usually avoided answering those things directly, not to be mean or anything, but because I wasn't convinced it would happen. And before I would give my princess up, for her own best interest, my ex would have to have stabilized, found a steady income and a solid place to live. None of which has happened yet, atleast as far as I know.

Still, knowing how my ex felt about Em, not to mention knowing how I felt about her, I was really torn, not wanting to add one more item to my ex's already swelling list of recent losses -- marriage, Dad, Grandma. What kind of woke me up, though, was a couple of Animal Communication classes I took from the same teacher, but about a year apart. I told the same story as above, saying I didn't know what to do, and at the second class my teacher called me on it. "You told that same story a year ago. Why are you telling the same story?" She went on to talk about how animals pick up on, and are very influenced, by our thoughts and emotions, and when we do as I was doing we effectively hold them in place and don't allow them to resolve their issues. Ah! The lights went on.

At that point I started telling Emmie she was home now, and that she was safe (other than from Mr Timmons' surprise attacks). For a year I'd been telling both cats that Emmie was just a guest, but once I started treating her as a resident rather than a transient, her whole demeanor changed. She became more affectionate -- not that she was stand-offish before -- but I think she felt she could relax more and become her old cuddly self. Mr Timmons still wants to know when he's getting his place back to himself!

I was still wrestling a bit with the situation, wondering if I should just come out and tell my ex or what. A number of months ago the Universe gave me my opportunity and, though it was difficult, I recognized the opening and took it. My Ex emailed again for an update. Same stuff about missing her and not being able to wait til they were reunited, etc, as well as how bad she felt because she felt like she had abandoned Emmie. I wrote back:

Emmie's doing good! Don't worry about abandoning her. Things have worked out the way they have, and there's no point in feeling bad about the past. She is doing well and doesn't hold it against you. But I also think it's probably time for you to let her go. After so much time here where she's happy, I don't see the point or the advantage, especially from her point of view, to be up and moved into a completely new place, in a totally different environment. I'm trying to say this as compassionately as I can, but for her sake she needs to stay here.

Even as I re-read that I get little pangs, but maybe it's time for me to let go too. Rather than doing the co-dependent thing and feeling bad because of how my ex feels, or feeling guilt for doing what I did (which does niether of us any good), I need to recognize it not as guilt but as compassion. I know how it feels, and can only imagine what she thinks of me now (I never heard back from her after that) having stolen her baby, but I do realize, as tough as the decision was, it was the correct one. And, coming full circle, Emmie's situation is totally different than in the horse incident above, although I'm glad it happened because it allowed me to sit down to tea with, and calm a couple more demons of mine.