Reindeer Games

Over Thanksgiving I got to go back to visit my family in Minnesota. I only had a couple of days, so it was a shorter than normal stay, and because of that I decided to spend it just with my family rather than trying to hook up with friends who still live there.

It is an old long-held family tradition that the Friday after Thanksgiving is the day to get the Christmas tree. It was nice to be able to take part in this since we didn't get to observe the other old long-held family tradition -- that the day before Thanksgiving is the day to go see Santa Claus at Dayton's department store (I think they were bought out by Macy's) in St Paul. They always have a theme, like Mary Poppins, Willy Wonka, Winnie-the-Pooh, and set up animatronics to tell the story as you walk through this labyrinthine path on the way to see Santa.

So anyway, we were heading out across a blustery snow-covered field toward the trees, and my brother had brought along sleds to pull his youngest and a young cousin on. At one point I took the rope that tied the sleds together and just started sprinting across the field, with them laughing gleefully in tow. Not that this is something I wouldn't have done anyway, but when I was done I thought to myself, "Where did that come from?" I mean I had just been champing at the bit to get a hold of the rope since my brother first brought it out.

I shrugged it off and went to help my parents cut their tree, saying prayers to the spirit of the tree, thanking it for giving up its life in the woods and giving it an image of the joy it would bring my family when all lit up in their livingroom. I got the feeling that, since this was a Christmas tree farm, the trees having been planted with that intention and purpose in mind, as well as picking up the thoughts and feelings of countless people through the years trodging through their woodland home, had some idea of what they were in for, and were happy to be a part of this celebration.

Once the tree came down, and my parents had walked away a little bit, I gave an offering to the spirit of the tree and the spirits of the place, again thanking them for their gift. Tobacco is the normal offering of choice, but not having any with me for the trip, I followed what a friend had told me her teacher had taught her -- If you have nothing else to give, leave a bit of your hair. So I left a bit of hair tucked into the stump, with a bit of excitement at the thought of becoming part of some bird's nest.

As my parents sorted out the extra branches and boughs that my mom would turn into a wreath, I walked off toward where my brother's family were scouting out trees. I was walking along this little ridge when, out of the corner of my third eye I saw movement through the snow down below. Images of Nathaniel, my reindeer power animal flashed through my mind and I realized he was running through the snow, kicking up his hooves, and bellowing for all he was worth. Someone was happy to be playing in the snow and the cold! I couldn't help smiling, thinking of how excited he must be to trade rainy ole Seatle for the chance to dig his hooves and antlers into snow again.

"Ah!" I thought. That explains the sled pulling. Nathaniel has come through before when I've been dancing, but this was a little different, and I got the distinct feeling that it was under his influence that pulling the sleds looked so appealing!

I found my brother and, after more prayers, and more hair offerings to his fallen tree, I headed back to where my parent's tree was still lying in the snow. I thought, "Alright Nathaniel. Here we go!" And I picked up the bottom of the tree and dragged it, back across the tundra of the fields, to where the cars were. Apparently I surprized my dad who thought it would take at least two of us to move the hefty tree.

Actually it did take two of us... :)

Waking Dreams

I mentioned a week and a half ago (A Pair of Sweats) going to a Dream Retreat for my Shaman Class, and I'd intended on writing a lot about it because it was very powerful and transforming. Then I realized that a lot of it probably wasn't translatable -- a proverbial "You had to be there" scenario.

Then last night I was talking to my friend who is in the program with me, and in the course of sharing things we'd each written at the retreat, it hit me how profound it really was -- I hadn't read it since the retreat, and it hadn't hit me that way at the time. "I think you need to read that every day," she said. "Yeah... I think you're right... wow..."

So to make it easier and more accessible for me to read, and remind me of what took place that weekend, I thought I'd put here what I wrote. I should probably give some context first...

Like I said, this was a shamanic dream retreat. The 2nd day we had spent working on our Life Dreams -- making a list of what we wished for in our lives and constructing affirmations to aid us in getting there. We ended up with two affirmations each -- one for our most outrageous wish and one for our most doable wish. My two affirmations were:

"I am powerfully magickal and I gleefully celebrate the most whimsical manifestations!"

and

"I courageously allow my True Self to shine. My light-heartedness and innocence are contagious."

I actually received a 3rd because, when someone asked, "But which one is your outrageous wish?" and I answered, "The first one. I wished for a Delorean!" my teacher, amidst the laughter, said:

"I have the vehicle of my dreams in every area of my life, that I may be transported to the places, and in the ways, that have deep heart and meaning."

...how cool is that? :)

That night, then, we were going to do some real dream work. My teacher has worked with some beings she called Dream Walkers, and they had agreed to help us that night. Twice in the wee hours, as we slept, they came through, speaking through our teacher's assistants and reading all the affirmations that had been compiled earlier. It felt very 'Star Trek' as they spoke in this voice that was monotone and sing-songy at the same time. When they came in, we were to wake up and write, whatever came into our minds -- messages from the Dream Walkers to each of us individually. This is what I wrote:

Thank you for your presence and your connection... Your bravery and courage is much appreciated... There is much good work to be done and there is much to be done... Blessed one know well that your life has now changed, and as you change, so changes the world. It is only through your own fulfilment that so too the world is expanded, and thus the mind of God. Congratulations. You have... Know well that you and your world are changed and expanded from this point. We can not tell how much you affect the whole... You are loved. You are appreciated. You are beautiful. Listen to us as we weave into your life. Welcome home. Never underestimate your role or your power.

Much good is done through your willingness and your unique expression of the divine. Blessed are you beloved one. You are so deeply loved. Already has the Universe rejoiced in your presence. Thank you. Yes we are here. Yes we are real. And yes we are love. Come dance with us... Your future awaits, individually and collectively. Be at peace and know we hold you in Safety and Truth. You can not possibly realize how much hope you bring to the world around you that cries out for love.

I fell asleep. Later in the morning I woke up, but as I was about to roll over and go back to sleep, I heard something. Here came the Dream Walkers into the room. So, bleary eyed I picked up my pen and wrote:

Know well you are part of the process... We are pleased by your willingness to embrace the unknown and Awaken, Awaken to your self and your place among the universe.

You have a gift dear one. Let it shine, let it heal.

Finally, we'd been told that first thing when we awoke in the morning, to connect once more and write any last messages we might receive from them. I wrote (slightly more legibly):

Well done beloved one. Thank you for your courage and willingness to be vulnerable. You will never be the same... Your place in the mystery is precious and we hold you and celebrate you as sacred and truly it is our joy to dance with you and weave the threads of your dreams into the tapestry of the Great Mystery. Love, Dear one. Always love. There is nothing else. And so we play through the dance of the stars through endless nights and days, Creator rejoices. Blessed are you dear one. You have no idea the walls you've broken down and the trails you have blazed. For yourself, for your collective, and for your world.

Well done dear one.

Well done indeed.

Heron My Soup

It had been a week of aha moments and revelations. Between a painful break-up and the death of a favorite aunt there had been a lot of transformation and change. My head and my heart have been very muzzy (one of my favorite terms which I half thought I'd made up, then discovered that John Keats used it -- "Great minds..." ;)) but, as I tend to forget while still inside such states, this is the primordial soup for growth and learning.

So during that time while I was reading Medicine Cards at a local bookstore, seeing as I had my cards out already (I never seem to think of pulling them out for myself -- go fig!) I pulled one just to see who would pop up. My old friend Heron! His message is largely about self-reflection. The only thing is that he was reversed... D'oh! In reverse Heron speaks about too much self-reflection being not such a good thing which bogs you down. One of Heron's attributes is standing tall, connected to the earth yet standing over the water (emotions). If Heron is not standing upright, he's getting mired in the muck of the pond.

And this affects me how? In the break-up I became aware, through parting words, of character traits, issues, and such, that I needed to work on. And so I whole-heartedly began examining these things, turning over every single little item to see if it were true or not, to find out what was wrong with me, and how I needed to improve. Boy, that pond water gets murky in a hurry with so much self-reflection splashing and floundering around in it!

The thing that finally occurred to me is that, yes, relationships are mirrors for us, with each individual seeing themselves reflected in the other, BUT just because someone sees something mirrored in me does not mean that that something is actually there. The clearer a mirror I become, by becoming more and more authentic, the more clearly others will see themselves in me, including and especially the stuff they don't want to see. There's a whole Zen-connection thing here about being like water and reflecting the geese flying overhead without holding on to them. It is good to look at what the other sees in me, but trust my heart as to whether it needs to be changed, or even whether it is there at all. If I am already living from my heart, being my true self, then I already know whether those things are true or not, and I know that I'm not perfect and that I'm doing my best, so that I can be gentle with myself as I change and adjust (If I choose to change), even if others aren't treating me that way.

That is not to say that I am a perfectly clear, unblemished, and undistorted mirror. Nor is it to say, "Nanny-nanny-boo-boo! I have nothing to learn from you!"

On the flip-side, just because I see something in someone else doesn't mean it's actually there. This seems to be where not judging someone else comes in because, what it looks like to me may be something totally different to the other person. Whatever it is, it is my own reflection.

Have you ever noticed that while looking at your shadow on the ground you can't tell if it's looking toward or away from you? It looks the same either way. Often, exact opposites look exactly the same! What I'm seeing in someone else could be exactly the opposite of what I think I see.

Or what I'm seeing as a whole is only a tip-of-the-iceberg that I can't or won't understand without a bigger perspective. That's a bit of a mind blower.

The other thing I realized is that the reflections are also not time-sensitive, meaning that what I'm seeing in someone else may not be a current image but actually something from the past. I find that people tend to think of things happening in a circle with the same things happening over and over again. I do that all the time -- "Holy crap! What am I doing back here again?!" Actually I've discovered that I'm on an ever rising spiral so it may feel like I'm going in a circle, or even going backwards, but every time I encounter the 'same' things coming around, I am actually seeing it from a different, higher perspective. The past is constantly being mirrored to me in order to see it and say, "Ah yes. I've been there before, and look how far I've come since then!" In this case I felt the opportunity to give a past-self of mine the patience and compassion that he didn't get when I was going through similar circumstances. I felt parts of me healing that I didn't know were there.

So there is still some pain present, and some befuddlement, over what happened, but like Heron I've been able to stand tall again with a bit more perspective and surety about my own path as I snatch up the nourishing morsels of insight that swim into my reflection on the water, and, unlike the proverbial 'dog with the bone,' I learn to recognize the difference between my self and my image.

A Pair of Sweats

This past weekend for my Shaman Class we went on a "Dream Retreat." As part of the weekend, Friday night (or actually Saturday morning) they offered an optional sweat lodge. Of course most of the people jumped at the chance and, in fact there were so many of us there that they actually did 3 lodges that night, the last one going in around 3:30 in the morning.

Anyway, for the second time in just over a week I chose not to take part in an opportunity to sweat. Both times were kind of soul-searching moments for me, and though I wrestled with it, doubted myself, and almost went against it, I finally ended up following my guidance to not participate. It was a bit confusing as I wondered why wouldn't it be good for me to do a sweat lodge? I've done them before and they are very healing and very sacred -- so what was the problem, especially since White Buffalo Calf Woman, the one who brought these ceremonies to the people, has become almost a personal guide and adoptive Mother to me?

In both cases I was given this interesting vision where I saw the lodge, and I watched my path unfold nearby, but not through, the lodge. I kept hearing, "It's not your path."

The first one was easy enough to let go of, partially because I was able to fill in as a fire tender and so still take an active part in the ceremony. I also knew this second lodge was coming up and I assumed I'd do that one, especially since it was part of the retreat. I still felt slightly embarrassed at the first one, and timidly asked the woman pouring the lodge (the one who runs the lodge and 'pours' the water on the heated rocks) if it were okay for me to stay outside, as if I needed permission. I'm still learning that following my guidance is enough of a reason not to do something, no matter what others may think -- which may actually be the main reason I was guided not to go into either lodge: To listen to my own guidance over the opinion of others. Spiritual peer-pressure is an interesting thing.

I did get my second chance about a week later, but as excited as I was for the retreat, my heart chakra was very closed -- to the point of being painful. For some reason every time I thought of the lodge, my chest would tighten, and having been raised in this particular society, I assumed it meant that it was something I had to do to overcome my feelings about, and just push through it for my own good. But the closer we got to lodge time, the tighter my chest got, and the more clouded my mind became. Then, on the example of my teacher and some TAs, I just sat quietly and asked my heart 3 times what was right for me. The 3 times eventually became probably 300, but every time I asked, I would see that same vision of my path bypassing the sweat lodge. The thought of going inside made me feel tight and anxious while the thought of abstaining felt light and freeing.

As I finally, tentatively, made the decision to pass on the experience, I began to feel more myself again, as my self-confidence returned along with a clearer head. "Interesting..." I thought. Martha Beck talks about the "shackles on and shackles off" response -- how certain things make you feel free and others are restrictive, and how that really is the basics of listening to your intuition. So I had my answer. Easy enough. Sometimes things are difficult because it means you're going the wrong way and need to change direction, duh!! The tricky part would be to stick by my answer despite what others may think.

I actually had nothing to worry about, and the few people I told about my decision were supportive, even if they didn't understand. Even my dear friend, who is taking this program with me, and who really wanted me to go into lodge with her. Still I was very self-conscious about it and kept my decision mostly to myself, and just curled up deeper into my sleeping bag when the group I would have been in, went into lodge at 3:30am. Fleeting thoughts and doubts flew through my mind on my motivations, my fear being that it was fear holding me back. But then I fell asleep.

The next day my friend came to me and told me I had been in lodge. "Really?" I asked rather surprised. She said yes, and told me how she'd seen and felt my presence there very strongly, like I was helping watch over and hold space for everyone there. I laughed because that had been my intention as I'd fallen asleep, thinking about the circle of women outside who were on their moon-time, and thus being considered to be too powerful to be in lodge, who were acting as the visionaries for the lodges. I actually felt more drawn to, and comfortable, with that role rather than being inside, and had even joked to my friend earlier that maybe I was just on my period.

My friend admitted to me about being disappointed at my physical absence from the lodge, but said that when she inquired to her guides, they told her, "It's not his path." I was dumbstruck for a moment and then threw my arms around my friend, whispering, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Then I told her about my vision, and the exact words I had heard from my guides. Up to that point I had still been a bit unsure of myself, but you can't get much clearer validation than that!

Later I talked to one of the people who were in charge of the lodges and mentioned that I hadn't gone in. The response was interesting, and I recognized it as the one I'd expected all along --The feeling that I'd skipped the lodge out of fear. Now with the solid validity of my experience, it didn't phase me -- "Ah, we'll getcha' sooner or later. Ya can't run forever!"

Blast From the Past

I have one or two other posts that I'm in the middle of writing at the moment (it's amazing how little you can actually get written during an hour lunch break) but felt I wanted to post this anyway.

I am going on a retreat tomorrow with my new shaman class, and I am really kind of anxious about it. I'm confused about that because logically it's not that big of a deal, and on the contrary, should be a refreshing experience. But I am anxious, to the point of my heart chakra actually having been in a bit of pain, despite a heart-clearing exercise we did in class tonight.

Part of it was that I was starving, so I stopped at a grocery store on the way home to get something to eat. As I was walking out of the store, it suddenly occurred to me that this is how I felt before my vision quest a year and a half ago. Okay, so something big is in the works! That alone helped me calm some, as I took the tension to be a good sign of powerful changes to unfold this weekend.

Then I got home, and was looking through some partially used notebooks, to see which one I could bring with me as a journal for the retreat, when in one, near the back, totally random, I discovered something I had written down that Jeshua had told me in a meditation a long time ago.

I don't have any idea how long ago I wrote it down, or even what circumstances originally prompted it, but it was obvious I was meant to get this message now...

"Beloved one, you are following your heart so how can any harm befall you? Yes, there may be pain and there may be hurt, but they are a sign of growth. You are yet unharmed. And the tears! Rejoice in the cleansing tears! How often have you wanted to cry the tears yet they have refused to flow? This too is good, and only part of your growth, and are to be celebrated!

You are loved and you are safe, my little Robin in the hood. You will come through this and you will be amazed at who and how you are on the other side. Be at peace and know that it is all in Divine Order."

...Thank you Jeshua. Aho!

Going Batty

It's been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon. But, although I attended college nearby, I no longer live there, so my week was not so quiet -- emotionally anyway.


I have been sorting out my feelings and the lessons of a short-lived relationship that, in many ways while it lasted, was probably the best I've been in. Its ending, however, has been one of the most difficult experiences I've known, and I am still finding my path through it as the dust finally begins to settle.


I'm also sorting out the fine line between writing my experiences here while respecting the privacy of the other person involved -- Writing my story without telling hers. We both had our individual lessons to learn, neither one good or bad, although I am very pleased that in all the support I've gotten through this, no one has tried to make me feel better by degrading her.


Anyway, until I sort these things out, I will probably hold off saying much more, although I have had a few interesting insights. While driving the other morning it suddenly sank in emotionally rather than just mentally, that it really is all about me. Everything I was feeling, the future I was facing, the challenges, the thoughts, the doubts -- all me! I really could let her go to take care of herself and get on with living my life. And to add emphasis to this revelation, I looked up just in time to see a seagull swoop up over my car, followed by two little white splotches on my windshield. This is actually considered good luck in many cultures, and Seagull representing cleaning up the environment (which I had just done by clearing my mind of a bunch of things) as well as communication (which had been a sticking point especially at the end) seemed the perfect messenger.


After that I was thinking back on this most recent death/rebirth cycle of mine, and the thought of Bat came into my mind. Bat represents shamanic death, and this current one has been a doozy, but in a flash of recognition I suddenly realized part of the significance -- Bat hangs from the ceiling of the cave... Everything to Bat is upside down... My whole world had just been turned upside down... Huh...

A Song

I had a lot I wanted to tell you

But it ended all too soon.

I never even got the chance

To lasso you the moon.

And it seems the past has blinded you,

The pain you've felt too long,

From seeing someone loves you enough

To write for you a song.

I hope one day my memory

Alights upon your mind,

Once the pain has faded,

After the fears unwind,

And it brings a smile

Because you can clearly see

How much I have loved you

And what you've meant to me.

But my love could never bind you,

So I'll have to let you go.

I just wish before you went

That I could let you know

That someone sees you there behind

The pain you've felt too long,

That truly someone loves you enough

To write for you a song.