Somewhere Over the Whirling Rainbow

A couple weeks ago, on a seemingly random thought, I googled someone I considered one of my greatest teachers. She has been a teacher to me through my spiritual life since the 80s when I got my first deck of Medicine Cards, the cards that thirty-some years and countless decks later have become the backbone of my own shamanic business as I do readings for clients to connect them to the wisdom of the Animal Spirit Guides. Then I discovered her other deck, the Sacred Path Cards, which touched me even deeper, and it was through that deck, and reading her book Dancing the Dream, that Jamie Sams became a North Star for me. The power that I felt coming through her words and teachings always soothed me back to my center and realigned the bearings of my own compass.

Lately I've found myself again looking to her for guidance and as a voice of authority. With the overdue rise in awareness around Black, Indigenous, and People Of Color rights finally coming to to the forefront of mainstream culture in a needed wave of change in consciousness has also come a subject that I still wrestle with with mixed feelings and self doubts - Cultural Appropriation. I won't go into the ins and outs of that right now because that's not what this post is about, but as a nonindigenous Shaman this has been a tricky subject for me and has fueled much soul searching and prayers. And it has been Jamie Sams who has provided many 'Golden Lasso moments'* for me, particularly through her writings about the Whirling Rainbow Prophecy.

So it was that this seemingly random thought occurred to me. In the past months since the pandemic started I had fulfilled a couple of long-held wishes, being able to finally take classes directly with two others who have been great inspirational teachers to me, Lisa Williams the renowned psychic/medium and Martha Beck the regular Oprah guest, life coach, and author. All of a sudden it hit me, "What if I could take a class with Jamie Sams?!" And so I excitedly googled away, searching for any kind of current calendar of appearances or classes that might allow me to connect with this woman who had so influenced my life. 

News was scarce and redundant, and I was starting to get frustrated when I breached a source of previously unread information. My heart dropped. Jamie Sams had actually just died the previous month in December of 2020. It hit me harder than I would have thought, tears rolling down my cheeks, my breath coming in incontrollable sobs. I had entered full blown grieving for someone I hadn't actually known, but the loss was felt as surely as the death of my father 5 years ago, or the two teary farewells of my beloved feline companions. 

In our nightly, bedtime video call I tried to express my feelings to Valerie, my fiancé, and her first question was, "So, did you connect with her then?" "...Oh yeah! That's right! I'm a shaman! I can do that!!"

Fittingly it was Imbolc night, February 2nd, the first day of Spring on the Celtic calendar, when I did connect. I was in the middle of a pipe ceremony for myself and, feeling perfectly appropriate considering the situation, I humbly asked her to come smoke with me. Instantaneously, to my surprise, she was there, sitting opposite me wrapped in what looked like a blanket of gold out of a Klimt painting and with feathers in her hair, grinning across my little altar at me. With tears in my eyes I started telling her how much I appreciated her and how much she'd influenced me and how I wished I'd gotten to meet her in person and... And she stopped me with a smile and said, "I know who you are my dear brother, and I am grateful for the work you do and the presence you bring to the world."

I think I kind of stuttered then, asking how she could possibly know me - Shades of Charles Schulz appearing to me in a meditation and my questioning the seeming convenience of such an encounter. "That's how the Universe works, on resonant frequencies. The fact that you resonated with my teachings means we have always been connected. Maybe not consciously until I was in spirit, but I do know you now."

I'd been crying pretty much this entire time, and as she fell silent we just sat there for a few moments until the silence weighed on me and I uncomfortably blurted out, "I feel like I should say or do something more to honor you..." Again she stopped my stream of thought with a smile. "Your presence is enough." And feeling my resistance she repeated her words... Twice.  "Your presence is enough... Your... presence... is... enough..." Smile. Always that enchanting smile. 

So we sat in silence for quite a while. when a thought floated into my mind. "Will you give me a blessing? Please?"

"Of course! It is with deepest gratitude that I celebrate and honor your work in the world and the presence of light you bring to it. I am blessed by your journey, continuing forward with the seeds I have planted. I am always with you."

Sometimes it is difficult for me to share such things, at the risk of sounding boastful in a 'look how special I am' kind of way. But that is not the spirit in which I report these things. Long ago I made a commitment to White Buffalo Calf Woman during a vision quest to share my path. As I come to terms with so many aspects, changes, and revelations along the way of my growth and unfolding, experiences such as this serve only to humble me. "Holy crap! That happened to me?!"   

And so I end this small tribute with more tears and widening cracks in my breaking heart, as well as with a video from a weekly Sacred Pipe Ceremony that I do, this particular one including a tribute to Jamie Sams. Deepest gratitude to you my beautiful Rainbow teacher. Aho Mitakuye Oyasin. 

   

* "Golden Lasso moments" refers to a scene in a JLA graphic novel entitled A League of One where Wonder Woman, to assure her integrity and accountability, places her golden lasso of Truth around her own neck.

A Pair of Sweats

This past weekend for my Shaman Class we went on a "Dream Retreat." As part of the weekend, Friday night (or actually Saturday morning) they offered an optional sweat lodge. Of course most of the people jumped at the chance and, in fact there were so many of us there that they actually did 3 lodges that night, the last one going in around 3:30 in the morning.

Anyway, for the second time in just over a week I chose not to take part in an opportunity to sweat. Both times were kind of soul-searching moments for me, and though I wrestled with it, doubted myself, and almost went against it, I finally ended up following my guidance to not participate. It was a bit confusing as I wondered why wouldn't it be good for me to do a sweat lodge? I've done them before and they are very healing and very sacred -- so what was the problem, especially since White Buffalo Calf Woman, the one who brought these ceremonies to the people, has become almost a personal guide and adoptive Mother to me?

In both cases I was given this interesting vision where I saw the lodge, and I watched my path unfold nearby, but not through, the lodge. I kept hearing, "It's not your path."

The first one was easy enough to let go of, partially because I was able to fill in as a fire tender and so still take an active part in the ceremony. I also knew this second lodge was coming up and I assumed I'd do that one, especially since it was part of the retreat. I still felt slightly embarrassed at the first one, and timidly asked the woman pouring the lodge (the one who runs the lodge and 'pours' the water on the heated rocks) if it were okay for me to stay outside, as if I needed permission. I'm still learning that following my guidance is enough of a reason not to do something, no matter what others may think -- which may actually be the main reason I was guided not to go into either lodge: To listen to my own guidance over the opinion of others. Spiritual peer-pressure is an interesting thing.

I did get my second chance about a week later, but as excited as I was for the retreat, my heart chakra was very closed -- to the point of being painful. For some reason every time I thought of the lodge, my chest would tighten, and having been raised in this particular society, I assumed it meant that it was something I had to do to overcome my feelings about, and just push through it for my own good. But the closer we got to lodge time, the tighter my chest got, and the more clouded my mind became. Then, on the example of my teacher and some TAs, I just sat quietly and asked my heart 3 times what was right for me. The 3 times eventually became probably 300, but every time I asked, I would see that same vision of my path bypassing the sweat lodge. The thought of going inside made me feel tight and anxious while the thought of abstaining felt light and freeing.

As I finally, tentatively, made the decision to pass on the experience, I began to feel more myself again, as my self-confidence returned along with a clearer head. "Interesting..." I thought. Martha Beck talks about the "shackles on and shackles off" response -- how certain things make you feel free and others are restrictive, and how that really is the basics of listening to your intuition. So I had my answer. Easy enough. Sometimes things are difficult because it means you're going the wrong way and need to change direction, duh!! The tricky part would be to stick by my answer despite what others may think.

I actually had nothing to worry about, and the few people I told about my decision were supportive, even if they didn't understand. Even my dear friend, who is taking this program with me, and who really wanted me to go into lodge with her. Still I was very self-conscious about it and kept my decision mostly to myself, and just curled up deeper into my sleeping bag when the group I would have been in, went into lodge at 3:30am. Fleeting thoughts and doubts flew through my mind on my motivations, my fear being that it was fear holding me back. But then I fell asleep.

The next day my friend came to me and told me I had been in lodge. "Really?" I asked rather surprised. She said yes, and told me how she'd seen and felt my presence there very strongly, like I was helping watch over and hold space for everyone there. I laughed because that had been my intention as I'd fallen asleep, thinking about the circle of women outside who were on their moon-time, and thus being considered to be too powerful to be in lodge, who were acting as the visionaries for the lodges. I actually felt more drawn to, and comfortable, with that role rather than being inside, and had even joked to my friend earlier that maybe I was just on my period.

My friend admitted to me about being disappointed at my physical absence from the lodge, but said that when she inquired to her guides, they told her, "It's not his path." I was dumbstruck for a moment and then threw my arms around my friend, whispering, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Then I told her about my vision, and the exact words I had heard from my guides. Up to that point I had still been a bit unsure of myself, but you can't get much clearer validation than that!

Later I talked to one of the people who were in charge of the lodges and mentioned that I hadn't gone in. The response was interesting, and I recognized it as the one I'd expected all along --The feeling that I'd skipped the lodge out of fear. Now with the solid validity of my experience, it didn't phase me -- "Ah, we'll getcha' sooner or later. Ya can't run forever!"

Psycho-Pomp And Circumstance

It is so fascinating how different elements of the past mesh and meld to come together and create something greater than its parts. It makes me grateful for all my experiences, no matter how seemingly insignificant or negative, because the chaotic meanderings of the past suddenly fall into patterns from the perspective of the present. Martha Beck talks about living life backwards, starting from here and now and tracing it backwards to see all the little "random" and "chance" happenings that had to take place for you to be where you are now. "Oh! That's why that happened!" Suddenly these things aren't so random anymore and it becomes apparent how the Universe happens on purpose, for your highest good, to get you to where you need to go.


And so it is, I can look back and see all the things that have led up to this past week when I find myself taking on a role that totally makes sense to me, and I realize it's probably time I finally claim it. What role is that, you may ask? In my ever-expanding shamanic repertoire, I discovered I've become a Psycho Pomp -- or more accurately, an Animal Psycho Pomp.

Of course I know that you know what that is, but for the benefit of the others reading over your shoulder who might not, a psycho pomp is someone who guides souls that are crossing over to the afterlife. Traditionally through mythology this was the domain of the likes of Charon (the Greek ferryman of the dead), Hermes, the Valkyries, and Anubis. Those beings are still there and available for aid in this work, but especially with the excessive population growth, this kind of work is, and probably will be, more in demand as the volume of souls crossing over increases. From my understanding and experience, though, the ones most in need of this kind of work are those souls who died tragically and/or quickly, and don't realize they are dead. I won't go into the intricacies of how this overlaps with ghosts and hauntings, etc, mostly because that lies outside my personal experience and expertise, but if you are interested in learning more about that aspect, check out my friend Kelly's meetup group "Haunted Healings."

Where did this kind of thing start for me? I think being raised Catholic had a huge influence, giving me a great framework for the hereafter, not to mention the fact that I used to talk to my dead relatives all the time (although, at this point they weren't talking back... yet -- at least as far as I could hear). So, in the mid 90s when Oakbridge University -- the same group that does the Jeshua channelings I attend -- began doing a Spiritual Rescue Group, I already had a solid foundation to build on.

So, once a week I found myself sitting in a meditative circle with about 4 or 5 others, opening to help those who had passed on but didn't yet know it. Because their focus was still in this direction rather than moving on to the Light, our job was to connect with them and either help them understand they were no longer alive and turn them around toward the Light, or just get their attention so that light workers on the other side could come and help them.

So I sat there week after week after week -- and that's all I did. But even though I hadn't quite opened up to my psychic skills yet I had some interesting experiences all the same. One of the women would mention that the "little people" were present (and usually gathering around my feet), and I began to recognize the tingling feeling that would run between my feet and knees just before she would say something. Another time while I sat there, I felt this energy start whirling up from the floor all around me. It was so strong that one of the other people felt it and asked what was going on with me. I explained to the group what I was feeling and the one who had asked the question started to describe a woman who was embracing me -- A 'cousin-in-law' who I felt very close to and who had many months earlier taken her own life. The message she gave me through this other person in the group was gratitude for helping her after she passed (I had been praying and sending light and love like crazy!) and she said it was very easy to love me. At that point I felt a small peck on my lips -- kissed by her spirit, then she was gone.

Finally after months and months there came a significant night. I sat there as usual, a bit frustrated because everyone else was seeing things and helping spirits, and I didn't feel I was doing anything. Suddenly onto my mental screen burst this scene -- A man being dragged by his dogsled! I began talking really, really fast trying to catch all the details of what I was seeing. Then I discovered I didn't have to, because others started to describe the same scene, including details I hadn't yet gotten around to voicing. This man was so concerned for the safety of his dogs that his spirit kept hanging on to the dogsled, not realizing that he was dead. I don't know when his death had occurred -- There is no time in that realm so these scenarios can repeat in an endless loop until the person realizes what's happening -- and that's where we came in. Somehow by our talking to him, we broke that cycle and he was able to get the sled under control and stopped. Then I believe it was his dogs (all being dead as well, since this had happened long ago in our reality) who came and escorted him into the light.

Since then I have from time to time helped spirits who had suddenly come to me just out of the blue -- usually with the aid of Jeshua or deceased family members of the lost soul -- to find their way to the Light. But being who I am, I was constantly drawn to the animal kingdom, and would 'check in' with the spirits of road kill animals whenever I saw them. The interesting thing is that, very rarely did I need to help them find the light -- particularly 'wild' animals. Still, I did find myself helping others:

For the most part, at least from my experiences, even domestic animals don't tend to have that much trouble passing and moving to the light...

And so, this past week or two I shouldn't have been so surprised to find myself again in that role. Out of the blue, a friend from my psychic development class referred two separate people, one right after the other, to me because they each had a pet -- a cat and a dog -- who was close to passing. I am always pleasantly caught by surprise at people's faith in me, particularly since, though Animal Communication was originally the main focus for my path and work after that class, it is probably the area of least confidence for me.

The really funny thing is that, even when I was learning Animal Communication, I found it easier to communicate with dead animals than with live ones. In fact, one time we were assigned to read the pets of friends, preferably ones we hadn't met, and so I tried to talk to a friend's cat in Wisconsin. I got lots of info, and felt really good about it, until I got the feedback from my friend. It was something along the lines of, "Well, I could kind of see how that could be true and I suppose if you looked at it this other way, the other thing you said kind of fits..." Not quite the stellar validation I'd hoped for. On an intuitive hit, I asked her again if there were, or had been, any other animals there, living or dead, because sometimes the wires get crossed and I might be picking up on someone else. If it's possible to experience a dramatic pause through email, this was it. Then her response came back and her excitement burst at me from her words. EVERY thing I said fit perfectly with her cat that had passed some time before that. I had been talking to her dead cat!

Anyway, I won't go into details of these latest couple of cases in order to protect privacy (and because this entry has probably rambled on long enough already :)), but the best part of this kind of work is feeling the extreme joy and ecstasy the individual animal experiences once they are free of the confines of the physical body. The cat actually showed me his wings as he zipped around, and I kept seeing the dog in a dead run (no pun intended --) joyously sprinting across a field with tongue hanging out of her mouth, flapping in the wind.

Animals tend to be not as connected to the physical body as humans do, and I find, particularly toward the end of their lives, and especially during the seemingly most painful periods, their spirit is many times either partly or wholly not present, which allows them, firstly, to detach from the suffering and, secondly, to go off in order to explore the possibilities for the next step on their individual path.

And I find that it's not really for the animal's sake, at least directly (they hardly ever need help crossing over) that I do this, but it's more for the sake of the humans. It's usually more a case of bridging the worlds between animals and humans, to let the people know what they are, or aren't, understanding about what's happening. In the best circumstances it's a confirming to the people that they really are hearing and doing everything right according to the animal's needs and desires.

As with all my other shamanic experiences, it's really a case of just being willing to show up and allow whatever it is the Universe wishes to accomplish through me to happen. And also, as with all my other shamanic experiences, it is always a deep gratitude that I feel afterwards, no matter what level of confidence I went into it with, as I experience the relief and healing of others around me that comes as a result of my simply being who I am.

I love my job!

Stormy Weather

It's been an interesting week, particularly the last few days before the weekend. Somehow I got caught into a tailspin and was a mental and emotional mess. I felt like I had no defenses, like my skin was raw and every little thing, every word and every new bit of information, felt like a tiny arrow piercing me, causing me literal pain. My head was spinning and unable to process just simple normal day-to-day stuff. I felt totally overwhelmed and over stimulated, and was at a loss for what the heck was going on. The hardest part was that it all seemed so familiar, like emotions that I hadn’t felt for years, that I had believed dealt with and done. It was as if all the growth I had made in the past several years had disappeared like the mist of a dream, and I suddenly woke up as a teenager again.

I am finally pulling myself out of it but, PHEW, what a ride. Every time something like this happens I have to remind myself of a few things. That feeling bad, lost, overwhelmed, etc, is not bad, that it does not mean there is anything wrong with me, and that it is not a failure. It's easy for me to get caught in self-judgment when I go straight from feeling so strong and empowered to feeling like I'm hitting rock bottom with no self-worth. Of course neither am I at rock bottom nor am I worthless, and what helped me turn these feelings around was dropping into my center, my heart, where I knew these things to be false. The feelings were still there, spinning around me, but there was a peacefulness at the center -- again, the eye of the storm.

On my way to work I was asking Artemis about it and her response was something along the lines of "It's a storm. It can't be anything but a storm. Nothing you do can change that. Best thing to do is hunker down and wait it out."

That is exactly what I learned from having panic attacks for so many years. When a wave of panic began to wash over me, I learned to just sort of surrender and let go. "You know what this is, it's not going to hurt you, and it will be over soon." As much as I may have felt the impulse to fight it, or to find a way to fix it and make it better, nothing I did could change it. It was not a logical thing, so thinking was not going to save me. Best to just hunker down and wait it out. Keep telling myself that while the feelings are valid, as all feelings are, they are not true. They, not being based in reality, are irrational, and like a friend recently told me, "There's no talking to Crazy."

Like a storm whose chaos may not make any sense, these periods of bad feelings are cleansing times. In order to flush things out there is going to be a lot of dirt and grime coming to the surface, which makes it usually look and feel worse than it is because all you can see is the muck and the mud. But once the storm passes, there is a quiet and peacefulness, and everything is cleaner than it was before.

And though it may feel like a step backwards, with the added feeling of, "Why is this coming up again? I've already dealt with this," there is always forward movement. One of my favorite images for this is Martha Beck's concept of 'emotional shrapnel.' Our emotional wounds don't just hit and affect us in one area of our lives. They are scattered throughout, some deeper than others. The biggest ones are most likely closer to the skin, so that's the major healing that takes place initially, but other smaller shards dig deeper to a point that we don’t even know they are there until, with time and growth, they work their way to the surface. It is not that you’ve gone backwards, regressing to the point where this was a major issue in your life, but rather that enough healing has taken place to force these miniature versions of the original pain to the exterior where they become apparent. It is a healthy sign because there is no longer room for them inside of you any longer. They really are being pushed out to be cleansed and washed away.

The other image that arises for me is that life is not a circle, going round and round and round over the same ground, but it is a spiral, ever ascending. Though you are still going around and around, each circuit is a bit higher than the last so that, even if you encounter some of the issues from the past, each time it is from a different, raised perspective.

So as my mind continues to clear, and I begin to see and feel my authentic self return, I am seeing the puzzle pieces of events and actions that have allowed this latest bit of shrapnel to rise and be released.

But that will have to wait for a future post...

So Below

As I continue to go through profound transformations, I'm finding it easy for my life and emotions to fluctuate wildly between extremes. For instance, I mentioned how the week following my soul retrieval was ecstatic to say the least. Well, the week after that, this previous week, was a hellish ride. I found myself reduced to a shell of myself, shades of an old me I hoped I'd put to rest, anxious, confused, jangled, trapped, scarcity-minded. --Yuck! I felt totally overwhelmed and overstimulated and couldn't process the excess information. Fortunately in Her divine timing and knowing, Goddess had already arranged an exit strategy for me.


At the Ostara ritual that I attended, one of the women mentioned to me she has a cabin on her property and allows friends to come stay if they need a retreat from the world, or just need to get away to the woods for awhile. I jumped at the chance, having felt a need for some deep solitude for a while now, and serendipitously chose this particular weekend -- exactly the weekend I need it!


It's not a totally primitive retreat, which is okay because, even as I write this, I realize I also have a need to be pampered a bit too. The cabin has a DVD player (I fell asleep last night watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince) and cable TV, which I don't have at home. Not that I'm really using it to watch. This morning, still feeling the onslaught of uncomfortable, prickly energy buzzing incessantly around my chest and shoulders, I turned the TV to the channel that plays 80s music and I danced, rocking the little cabin on its foundations, raising my own vibrations above these bothersome, invasive waves.


Still my thoughts start to go to places like, "What happened? Didn't the retrieval take? How can I be feeling this way? What's wrong with me?" ...Nothing is wrong with me. Once again I've encountered something that, rather than demeaning me validates me and my experience. I've discovered that in the wide majority of times I'm going through periods like this, I'm not the only one. Apparently a lot of people are going through the same or similar experiences right now, as the mass consciousness continues to rise (Did that 'New Age' mumbo-jumbo really just come out of me?!). Whatever the causes or explanations, there are masses of us going through changes right now. To me this reinforces in me that whatever I'm feeling or thinking, it is for a purpose.


Also, in my favorite book of all time, Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck, she introduces the concept of 'emotional shrapnel'. Emotions touch and affect us in so many ways and so many places in our body and our psyche that it can't all come out at once. Years later, like a piece of shrapnel someone may have gotten in a battle, an emotion suddenly is pushed to the surface, in order to be cleared and healed. It is actually a good sign when these things happen. It is a sign you have grown to a point of being strong enough to handle it and heal it.


The tricky part is not to get caught into it, take it as reality, and begin another vicious cycle. Just to be present and allow it, feel it, whatever 'it' is, and release it. It's kind of like an invisible fence. I heard someone talking about how their dog had figured out that if he got a running start, and jumped at the right time, the electric shock of the fence would only last a moment, but then he was on the other side and free. I want to be on the other side of the invisible fence.


To help me get there, this song I wrote many years ago has been popping into my head of late, and I've been trying to use it like a prayer to remind me that everything is alright, and all I really have to do is show up. Everything else is already taken care of...

It's not me who has to do this but the spirit of my soul

All I need is to surrender to the wisdom of the whole

Everything is taken care of and all pieces are in place

And no matter how miraculous there always is a way

So it is, it is so

As above, so below

Letting go of all my limits and releasing all my fears

For my purpose is within me and the path before me clear

Easily and effortless the outcome has been sealed

Stretching out my hand before me I know everything is healed

So it is, it is so

As above, so below