A Dweam Wiffin A Dweam

I had a feeling this was going to be a good year!  Actually the things that have made this a banner year began at the end of last year, although I can possibly see the very twinkling beginnings of it way last Summer while driving down to Faerieworlds with my dear friend Sarah.  She informed me that you're suppose to make a wish when you see a hay truck.  Well, seeing as Faerieworlds happens around Lughnasadh in late-July/early-August during the first harvest of the year, hay trucks were bountiful between Seattle, Washington and Eugene, Oregon.  Whenever I spotted one my response was the same -- "Wuv! Twue Wuv!"

Life moved on and come December I had a huge revelation, and what basically amounted to a soul retrieval, when I was reconnected with a magickal childhood part of myself that had been missing.  I once more discovered, and renewed my faith in, Santa Claus, actually meeting the jolly old elf himself. That is a whole 'nother story in itself that you can read in my earlier post, Yes Virginia.  But one of the things Santa had told me during this encounter was, "It's about time we make a dream of yours come true."

Later that month I found myself in a relationship... kind of. I'd met this woman earlier, and there were definite connections and sparks between us, but we never quite seemed to connect in the right way to make anything long-term out of it.  There were logistics, as well as mismatching perspectives of what was happening, so it became this revolving on again/off again, hot then cold type thing. Eventually, I realized that this wan't working, that this was not the relationship I was looking for.  I did want something long-term, and though I know relationships take hard work and investment to thrive, the work we were putting into this non-relationship was not helping either one of us and was not moving forward.

It was then that I decided that with all the things I've read, and learned, and accomplished in the past twenty-odd some years on this particular branch of my spiritual path, that I needed to actually apply them.  Beyond being just pretty sayings to make me feel better when I was down or feeling victimized, it was time to embody all those things and really create the life I've been wanting, desiring, and craving. All the things I'd learned and all the things I've been teaching people center around creating your reality and empowering yourself.  These were not tools for just getting by, as I'd been doing for some time now, but they were the keys to fly.

So I sat myself down and asked myself, "What was it I really wanted in a relationship?"  I got clear and I felt it and I knew that not only did I deserve it, I already had it.  Then I let it go.

Come Christmas Eve and, as is my annual tradition, I left a letter along with some eggnog and cookies for Santa, next to some organic carrots for the reindeer.  This was my letter:

Dear Santa,

Thank you for stopping by.  I forgot to ask for my Delorean, but that's okay.  You can bring that next year.

This year if you can just bring me True Love, that's all I ask. =)

Thank you Santa! I love you so much!!

*

Jump ahead a couple months and I had another otherworldly encounter that I totally missed the point of, but which in hindsight was another piece of the puzzle.  I was attending this workshop on dreams, and at the beginning of the class the teacher had us all close our eyes as she set sacred space.  When I closed mine, though, try as I might to follow along with what the teacher was saying I found I couldn't because my third eye was all a-buzz and tingling.  I opened my third eye, the chakra of inner visions that rests between your outer eyes, and there in front of me was the massive head of Ganesha, the elephant-headed Hindu god.  This was not just a mere vision, however, because I could feel his forehead touching mine, third eye to third eye.  I've worked with, and had visions of Ganesha before, but nothing like this.  I had been seeing Ganesha all day, in tattoos, magazine adds, and stuff, but this was totally unexpected.

And that wasn't the end of it.  The next day I tried to take my usual lunch-time nap at work, but every time I closed my eyes, there was Ganesha.  This happened a few times and after seeing him in various dances or stances, I finally said, "Okay. You have my attention.  What do you want to tell me?"  Then just his gigantic eyeball loomed in front of my face, and he tells me, "The path is now clear for the fruition of your dreams."

At the time it sounded nice and encouraging, but I had no idea how pertinent his message really was, or how soon it would manifest.  It was within a week or two of that occurrence when the real magick started to happen.

One random day, I received this random Facebook message and friend request from this random woman.  She had just attended a workshop by one of my shamanic teachers, and she just randomly happened to be on Facebook when this teacher began 'liking' things there.  Curious as to what this well known shamanic teacher likes on Facebook, this random woman checked out some of  the 'likes' left in the wake of the teacher.  Lo and behold, one of the things she'd liked was a comic of mine:

          

First off all, this Random Woman has her own connections to White Buffalo Calf Woman. Second, she felt she had to find out who this man was who would actually post drawings of himself in his vulnerability and tears.  Following the thread (the Golden Thread ;)) she discovered this blog you are now reading.  At the time, however, the most recent post was the one about my ER visit concerning the blood clot I had in my leg (Stayin Alive).   

 So the aforementioned random message I received from this Random Woman one random day was one of compassion, that she was sending healing and was hoping I was alright. But wait! There's more! Along with her kind and caring words she sent a picture... 

Now I ask you -- How can you NOT respond to someone who sends you a picture they drew of a bunny?! Of course I did a little checking myself to see who this Random Woman was, and when I saw her photo, my first question honestly was, "How do I know this woman? Do I know this woman? I do know this woman, but how? From where?"  That prompted me to do something I hardly ever do.  I accepted her friend request without knowing anything about her. 

I replied to let her know I was doing fine and to thank her for the bunny.  Having a lot in common -- this particular teacher (whose Two-Year Teacher Training we had signed up for independently of each other), shamanism, dreams and goals -- the conversation grew, spilling quickly from Facebook to texts, to phone calls, to Skype.  With the growing conversation, so too grew our connection and feelings, yet we both were cognizant of tendencies to rush into things so we held back as best we could, attempting to not get ahead of ourselves.  I mean we hadn't even met in person yet, right? Well, as the fates would have it, she just happened to be going to another workshop of our teacher, flying to California from her New York state home, so it was a snap to divert her flight to Seattle (a place where she was already thinking of moving to be closer to her BC family).  

I won't say our meeting went off without a hitch. There were/are a few things to sort out, but it also felt totally worth sorting them out rather than letting those things be a reason to call it quits. She did seem to be authentically who she seemed to be.  And the connection was definitely there, as we took turns melting under the other one's gaze. And we both kept asking, "Is this really happening?"

The last day together during that first meeting, I showed her this --

 

--She says that's when I really captured her heart... 

So, almost three months later I still hesitate to say that she's "The One" because I've felt and said that same thing in the past with others who weren't, but by staying present and open, and communicating authentically I can see a possible day, years down the line, where I wake up one morning and say, "I guess you were The One."  Forever is an after-effect of being present in every moment.  And in the moment, I'm in love.

Schrodinger's Car

I mentioned a couple posts ago that there were three events that happened recently, right on the heals of each other, that really threw me, and have spawned a great deal of anxiety and depression for me.  Now that I am finally coming out the other side of all that, I feel I can recount them. This was the first --

Two days into what developed into an intense Mercury Retrograde, I was pulling out of the driveway of my apartment complex, headed to work, when a sudden clunk-clunk-clunking accompanied by a marked decrease in acceleration alerted me to the fact that something was wonky. I actually surprised myself at how calm I was as I pulled to the side of the road, called AAA, and waited for the tow truck.  I was aware of old patterns attempting to surface -- Old fears trying to get my attention with all their 'What ifs.'  What if I can't afford to get her fixed?  What if I'll need to find a new car?  What if this means I really don't have what it takes to get along in this world?

Louder than those voices, though, was the one reminding me that I'd been through this kind of thing before and I always come through, I'd always manifested the money, and there was purpose behind this.  And there was the fact that just the night before I'd remarked to a friend how I'd wished I didn't have to go work that Friday. D'oh! Prayer answered!

I had also just recently attended a workshop on Faery Doctoring, working more intimately with the Fae for healing, and I wondered if I'd somehow offended them, or not fulfilled my agreement with them, their resulting displeasure taking shape in my car failure.  Almost instantly to my mind came the realization that, no, this was an initiation.

Once I had it towed to a garage and they had a chance to look at Suzaku (my car is named after an Anime character who is a Chinese god of love who appears in the form of a phoenix), it sounded like it would be a relatively easy and inexpensive fix, and if they could find a used part to replace the part that had broken, I was only looking at around $400 rather than the $1000+ for a brand new part.  Sure, I could take another day off of work if that's how it played out and I got her back that quickly, and relatively at a price I could work with.

Well, the extra day turned into a full week as used part after used part turned out to be in worse shape than the one that had broken on Suzaku, and the garage was telling me I'd probably need to get a brand new part. From my original optimism and faith, my spirits began to spiral into a nose dive.  Obviously I am not good at manifesting if I've had to do without my car for an entire week, having to beg for rides to and from work, and on top of the $1000 something that I'd have to fork out to pay for the fix were the couple days of pay I missed out on while the garage was not fixing my car. I was pretty much in the dumps feeling powerless and like a victim.

When it seemed I had no other choice than to buy a brand new part, I called a guy, who I consider my real mechanic, though I don't go to him very often because his shop is about an hour away, and I asked if he had any connections where he could get me either a used part or a less expensive new part.  "You don't even need that part," was his answer. "Without it, all that happens is your four-wheel drive becomes a two-wheel drive."

Holy crap! I excitedly called the garage and told them what I'd heard, and my spirits sank again as they gave some seemingly plausible explanation on why that wouldn't work.  I called my guy back and told him what they'd said and see if he could help me find the necessary part.  At this point my mechanic got pissed.  After telling me they were jerking me around and just trying to get more money out of me, he asked if I wanted him to call them for me. "You'd do that?" I asked, not doing a very good job of hiding my surprise.  And he did.

My mechanic called the garage, saying he was my cousin who works at a salvage yard up north, and that he had a part for me but had no way to get it to me.  He then played dumb while asking specific questions about the broken part, and finding out that it had actually already been removed.  He then got them to agree to let me come pick up my car and drive it, as is, up to his salvage yard.  When he called me back and told me, I thanked him profusely, but when I called the garage myself, they told me it still wasn't drive-able because it needed that part.  What?!

 Now I was pissed.  I called AAA and found out they do have a policy of one additional free tow to another shop if you're not satisfied with the first you were towed to.  I had them pick up Suzaku at the garage and take her to my mechanic, in whom I had complete trust in his integrity.  Still, the uncertainty of the  past week had weighed on me and I had a hard time keeping my faith up as my mind was flooded with "what ifs."  What if there were something my mechanic wasn't aware of that would still require me to get a brand new part.  What if I still have to come up with all that money. What if what if what if...

Then I stopped.  I suddenly recognized the similarity between my situation and the theoretical thought experiment of Schrodinger's Cat.  The physicist Schrodinger proposed that if you shut a cat into a box with a vial of poisonous gas that had a 50/50 chance of opening, until you actually opened the box, the cat existed in both states of alive and dead.  It was the opening of the box, and the perception of the observer, that fixed the cat into one state or the other.  At that moment Suzaku existed in this twilight zone of being both already fixed and needing a ton more money to fix her.  I was the co-creator of this reality, and so I focused on the former state, that she was already fixed, inexpensively, because that was the reality that felt the lightest and most joyful to me.  I further realized that the state of heavy darkness I'd found myself in while Suzku was at the first garage was not because of my worry of the expenses and everything, but was because what they were telling me wasn't true. It wasn't until I decided to explore my other options and find another way that my spirits rose.  The Truth is always lighter than fallacy and deceit, and in the future I will try to recognize this feeling and remember it as meaning that whatever the situation seems to be, it's not true.

Once I walked in the new lighter feeling for a little while (and don't think other doubts and thoughts didn't surface during that time) I called to check in on Suzaku's status.  She was all ready to be picked up, and the total bill (including the oil change he performed after checking the fluid levels for me) was $134!

That was pretty miraculous. My cat, er... I mean car, was still alive.

Two Dog Night

Recently I had a dream that has stuck with me, and it continues to unfold in my diurnal life--

I was watching a friend's house while she was away.  Of course the dream house was nothing like her 'real' house, which was evident as I walked through the gate of the white picket fence to head up the front walk to her door. Before I could reach the house, though, a boxer with its tongue hanging out came bursting out the screen door and excitedly bouncing up the path to me.  "Uh-oh! You're not suppose to be out here!" I said, greeting her with a scratch behind the ears.  "C'mon!" I said with a tilt of my head as I started back for the door, and she happily, and bouncily, followed.  Once inside I greeted the other canine denizen of the household, a very low-key basset hound, who greeted me back with a doggy smile and a wagging tail. 

After spending time on the floor scritching, scratching, and playing with these two extremes of dog-hood, I went on a walk-through of the house to make sure everything was alright.  It wasn't.  When I got to the basement, I found it totally flooded, the water apparently running down from my friend's mother's room upstairs (My friend's mom does not live with her in ordinary reality).

--There was a little more to the dream after that, but this is where my clearer memories ended. So what does it all mean?  The following is how I interpreted it...

To start with, Dog medicine is about Loyalty, representing family and relationships, as in those of my personal pack -- those I consider family whether blood-related or not.  The temperament of these two canines suggested a couple of my closest friends, one who is very bouncy and very in touch with her inner puppy, whose excitement and playfulness will not allow her to be contained in any box you may try to put her in, and the other who is quieter and more shy -- the basset actually representing the person whose house this was in the dream.

The water in the basement, aside from its obvious connotations of the emotional realms, instantly reminded me of the Tower card in the Tarot, where the water is rushing against the tower, eroding its foundation and threatening to tear it down.  However, in a reading I had by a friend in which the Tower appeared, she pointed out to me that the water that was shaking up and changing the tower was also the same water that would carry the tower down-stream to its new location -- to where it belonged. 

In the dream I take this to mean that our relationships are changing and shifting.  Indeed, there had been events that had happened prior to the dream in both friendships where I felt disappointed or let down, but which allowed me to claim back some of my own power that I'd been giving away to them.  Things had definitely shifted in a way which lessened what could be classified as areas of co-dependency, making me feel more independent and able to perceive both relationships from a different, more self-empowered perspective -- and still feel the strength of our connections.

It took a while for another significance of the dream to light on my consciousness.  As I was recounting the dream to another friend, some time after I'd had it, it suddenly occurred to me... white picket fence -- Oh my gods, it was the 'American Dream' -- True Love, happily ever after, and all that!  I also realized it was someone else's ideal -- had it been my own, it would have been a farm house or cabin surrounded by woods (with a Delorean parked out front). 

Now there has been a spectrum of emotions between my friend and I, that we've been having to sort out pretty much since the day we met, and I can't deny a certain spark existing on both our parts. But there are also reasons, spark or not, that going in specific directions would not be in anyone's best interest.  And that's what I think the picket fence symbolizes -- Sometimes as much as we may think we know what we want things to look like, just like that American Dream, it doesn't really exist and is just an illusion (and by which saying, I in no way mean to sound cynical. I'm not saying, for instance, that True Love doesn't exist -- if you know me, you know I'm one of the biggest romantics alive -- just that outdated facade of it.).  In other words, it is further validation of the shifting perspective of our connection and friendship, and that any steps in that direction would not be based in reality; would be empty without substance -- It was the importance of seeing the relationship, whatever that is, for what it is rather than projecting dreams and desires upon it.

It also reminded me of something I'd heard toward the beginning of the year in the weekly Sacred Pipe Circle I attend.  The leader of the circle was talking about manifesting what we want in our life.  She said that  when something appears, to try it on like a piece of clothing to see if it fits.  I piped up (Hee-hee! Pun intended.), asking, "If it doesn't totally fit, can we have it tailored?"  She looked back at me, intensely in the eye, and replied, "No! No tailoring! If it doesn't fit correctly, it's not yours and there's a better fitting garment coming along."

That really struck me as I thought of how many times I've settled for things that were close to what I'd wanted to manifest but needed some tweeking to really make it fit.  The thing is that they never really did -- especially in the area of romance.  And I've learned that when things come along that are close to but not completely my desired outcome, it is usually a stepping stone toward that desire.  The missing components are there to tell me that this is not the end result, while the parts that do fit let me know that I'm heading in the right direction -- kind of in the way a chef may keep sampling the meal being prepared, and adding ingredients needed as the dish nears the peak of yumminess.  It is the chance to really raise the bar and fine tune my vision, as well as to assure me that these things really do exist and I do deserve them.  I can taste them.

So I embrace both relationships for what they are, honoring and honored by the presence of these two dear souls in my life.  And I shift my vision toward dreams of farm houses, Deloreans, and that one precious soul I have yet to meet...