Winging It

So there I was a week or two ago, minding my own business, meditating during a pipe ceremony, enjoying the sounds of the river, when in front of my closed eyes hovered the indistinct form of a canine-ish head. As I tried to bring the image into sharper focus, wondering who it was, I got a different visual of various Egyptian gods, including Sekhmet, Horus, Thoth, and others parading past my inner sight. Suddenly the blurred form coalesced into the face of Anubis, the jackal-headed Egyptian god of death. 

"H-hi there! Can I help you with something?" I stuttered. 

"I'm here to teach you about your wings."

Now, wings have always been a theme with me, having lost count of the number of times I've drawn myself with wings in my comics and other projects, but those were all metaphorical... Right?!

About five years ago I had a reiki session with a friend. Everything was 'normal' until toward the end when I felt the distinct movement of wings unfolding from my back and spreading out like I was ready to take flight. It was actually a little startling and I had no intention of mentioning it to my friend afterwards - At least until she timidly asked if I'd experienced anything weird during the session. "You mean the thing with my wings?" "Oh thank God!" She sighed, laughing. "I thought I was going crazy!"

Fast forward a few years when I'd filed that memory under 'Interesting Curiosities' and had mostly forgotten it - That is until suddenly, in the course of doing 'normal' Soul Retrievals, I found myself directed to loosen clients' wings. Again, at first, I just thought it a curiosity, until it kept happening. Usually I get the sense that the person has wings tied down along their back and my guides instruct me to cut the bindings in order to free their wings. After it happened three times with three different clients, I started to realize this was a regular thing. I didn't know exactly what it meant or the significance of it, whether it were an energetic metaphor for the experience or there were a practical application, and my guides didn't really volunteer any details.

Then fast forward again to just a few weeks ago - I received a shamanic healing from my amazing shaman friend Kathy Murphy. Afterwards she told me that the Order of Melchizedek was working with me. I was familiar with the name, knowing I'd heard it growing up Catholic, but I didn't really know who he was or what it meant that he/they were working with me. I did some research to find out he was a priest (or a wizard according to some sources) upon whose work the Catholic, among others', priesthood is based. In fact, Jesus was said to be a priest in the order of Melchizedek.

By the way, speaking of priests... Funny story -- The priest who baptized me as a baby did so with the full conviction that I was to become a priest. My family line is bursting with holy people and it seemed I was destined to continue that tradition. So I grew up with that expectation in the back of my mind, even to the point that I memorized the priest's part of the mass as a kid. And after 16 years of Catholic school, I was seriously considering becoming a monk at the Benedictine monastery that was the backdrop of the college I attended. Then things happened that expanded my spiritual life beyond the Church, which ultimately led me to my shamanic calling and stepping into a different flavor of spiritual leadership.

So the weekend after my healing with Kathy I went to the river to do ceremony and to connect with Melchizedek to inquire about what this all meant and what we were supposed to do together. I set my intention and began to journey to the spirit realm, when Jeshua (Jesus) appeared. I hadn't actually talked with him for awhile so we chatted a bit, and then I said I had actually intended on meeting Melchizedek so we could talk. Then in the cheesiest, telemarketer voice you can imagine he says, "I will be your Order of Melchizedek representative for the day. How may I help you?" (People really have no idea about the crazy sense of humor he has!)

So we talked, and he told me that this was the fulfilment of the priesthood I was intended for from birth. I wasn't meant to be a Catholic priest, but, echoing the recent words of a psychic/medium friend, Jeshua said I was meant to bring the family line back to shamanism, full circle to where it began before Christianity was introduced to the holy people of my ancestry.

He then knelt in front of me, singing or chanting something that I couldn't understand, and he ceremoniously traced the symbol of the Sun Cross - A circle with a cross in the middle, dividing the circle into perfect quarters - on my chakras starting at the Third Eye and moving down to the Sacral. Then moving behind me, he started at the base of my spine moving up the chakras, ending with the Crown which he blew into. Then he settled back to a sitting position behind me and began fiddling with something in the middle of my shoulder blades.

"What are you doing?"

"Loosing your second set of wings."

"Second set of... Wha?!"

"Well yeah. Seraphim have three pair." I swear he chuckled, but admit that perhaps it was my mind that  added a "Duh!" at the end.

So here I was, two sets of wings with no idea of what to do with them or how to use them. Enter the Jackal... "I'm here to teach you about your wings."

"Your first set are pure white. They are what connect you to the Angelic Realm, particularly the Arch- Angels." This seemed self-explanatory and I was with him so far.

"Your second pair are those of the scarab. They connect you to the lower realms and are your vehicle for death and rebirth cycles, and regeneration. They are strong and hard and can be wrapped around you for protection, like the shell of the scarab beetle." I got the distinct feel of  'solid' wings - heavier construction and like a scarab's wings in Egyptian art versus a true scarab's wings. I also saw the colors black, gold, and red, shining almost metallically, reminding me of Falcon's wings from the Marvel Comics movies.

"And your third set..."

"...THIRD SET?!..."

"...connect you to the unseen realms of the earth plane, particularly the lands of the Fae. These resemble those of a Monarch Butterfly, but with the trailings of a Swallowtail." Rather than spreading out to the sides, I saw this set of wings extending backwards, almost perpendicular to the others.

And thus went my first flying lesson. I hope Anubis visits again soon to continue my education on how to use my wings, for my own good and that of my clients. I'm still not sure why he is the one in charge of this curriculum, but I guess the old excuse, "the dog ate my homework" is a moot point.

Alandria's Tree

I recently had an appointment with a mentor of mine, and though the conversation itself I will keep close to my own heart for the moment, something happened immediately following this meeting that is well worth recounting.

There was much to ponder and integrate after such a fruitful, dynamic talk, and thus I felt myself drawn to the trees, the best folk I know of  for bearing silent witness and holding sacred space. I found my way to a little wood overlooking Puget Sound -- A wood who's existence I wasn't even aware of until a friend mentioned it in passing not long before.  So here I was exploring the trails of this magickal, little wood, searching for a place to sit and ponder.  

For a brief time I perched in the low branches of a tree that had beckoned to me, where, nestled in her fork, I dozed against her trunk. This was not the spot, however. It was right alongside the main trail, and I'd already gotten strange looks from a man who passed close by, yet who refused to meet my eyes. 

Off I set deeper into the woods, further off the main trail, feeling as though there were something calling me. Joking to myself about my "Holy Quest" as I navigated the narrow dirt path over logs and under branches, I stopped cold as I crested a short rise in the trail. I believe my mouth hung open as my heart almost burst from my chest. "No!" I thought. "It can't be!" Yet my racing heart told me it was true. Before me stood a tree, that, though my physical eyes had never fallen upon it, I knew very well.  This was the tree of Alandria!

Who is Alandria? Let me fill you in...

A couple years ago I took a workshop with Tom Cowan, one of the leading teachers and experts in Celtic Shamanism, on Faery Doctoring.  The workshop revolutionized the way I looked at the world and added a whole new dimension to my shamanic understanding.  It was like the Cosmos was already perfect and complete, when suddenly someone cries out, "But wait! There's more!" and opens a door you didn't realize was there, revealing an entirely new world next door to the old world that you thought you knew. It was literally like discovering Narnia.

As the name suggests, it is working with the Fae to perform healings, which as it turns out, are very similar to Soul Retrievals. Parts of a person's consciousness may leave to avoid trauma, a process called 'Soul Loss' in Shamanism and 'Dissociation' in modern Psychology, and during Soul Retrieval, the Shaman finds these errant 'soul parts' and returns them to the person, giving them a better sense of wholeness.

The Fae, who live in the Middle World alongside us and whose job it is to balance the energies between their unseen world and our seen world, will sometimes step in during such cases of Soul Loss and bring the disconnected soul part of a person into their realm where, rather than remaining at the same age that it was when it detached, the faeries nurture the part to grow at the same rate of expression it would have, had it remained with the person.  The Fae treasure such things as creativity and joyfullness, so by nurturing these properties in the soul parts they gather, they help maintain the balance of energies, and benefit both their realm and ours.

From this you can see how the volumes of stories about abductions by faeries, changeling babies, and other tales have grown up through the ages.  But as humanity has evolved, so too have the Fae, and especially in current times with so many people even just beginning to ponder the possibility of the existence of faeries, their world and ours grow ever closer, as does the relationship between us, meaning that, in general, such measures as abductions are no longer necessary. And the Fae are willing to return to us those soul parts when the time is appropriate, and when we can adequately receive them back.  However, in order to maintain the energetic balance between the realms, there must be an exchange.  When they return your soul part you must give something in return.  "Aha!" You cry, "There's the catch! "  You can relax.  They aren't after your first born.  What they want from us is Strength, Beauty, Creativity.  Usually the exchange they ask for is that the person seeking healing, as well as the Faery Doctor facilitating the healing, sing something every day for a week, or draw, or paint, or something similar -- Things that not only give them more creative energy to work with, but that improves us and raises our own vibrations as well.  It's a win-win situation.

So, because the Faery realms are not our home, at least at the moment, just like we require spirit guides for navigating the spirit worlds, we require advocates and helpers for the faerie worlds as well.  Enter Alandria.  In the aforementioned workshop we needed to make contact with our personal liaison to the land of the Fae, and as I was to discover, Alandria is mine.

Above is a drawing I did of Alandria as an exchange for a Faery Doctoring session when she requested that I make a drawing of what she looks like to me.

My other Faery guide, Eocharin, who appears as a two foot tall version of an extinct Irish Elk, is the one who led me to the tree, in a shamanic journey, that is the portal to the land of the Fae where Alandria lives.  My signal to her that I am there is to jump up and down on the ground three times.  Then Alandria appears, sometimes through the gap at the bottom of the tree that grows big enough to step through, or by simply unzipping the bark.  

Though I was told from the beginning that I would find this tree in the 'real' world, I had forgotten about it, and had no longer been scouring the woods looking for it.  So you can just imagine my shock and elation when there before me rose, in solid form, Alandria's tree.

I jumped up and down three times to let Alandria know I'd found her, then I sat, leaning against the trunk for quite a long time in a contemplative, meditative state (perhaps dozing off a time or two), taking in and processing the day's occurrences and the earlier conversation, with rare Seattle thunder rumbling overhead, adding an extra accent to the importance of my quest's completion.

And I sighed a sigh of gratitude for this increasingly amazing, unfolding path of mine.

Yes Virginia

The past couple months have been pretty crazy for me -- intense, head-spinning, world toppling, death-defyingly crazy.  There were three events right on top of each other, which I will talk about separately, that really shook me up and left me feeling on the verge of the anxiety and panic attacks that I hadn't experienced for years.  When the heaviness of depression teamed up with the hyper-vigilance of anxiety and I found myself living in an uneasy fog, I knew I had to get some answers.  All I knew was that something had to change, but what it was, or what my next step needed to be, I didn't know.

So I turned to a good friend with whom I regularly exchange readings to shed some light on what was going on and what I needed to do.  Despite the combination of Tarot cards and my friend's mad astrology skills, clarity was in short supply, and though I left with more hope than I arrived with, the unknown task before me seemed daunting at its best and insurmountable at its worst.  I had doubts as to whether I would even survive this.

Still, the challenge was less undefined than before and we were able to determine that it sprouted from some deep soul trauma (all the cards coming up being Major Arcana) that resulted from some crisis of faith.  It had something to do with physical reality and being present in my body -- Balancing both the physical and spiritual realms.  I'm really good at avoiding being in my body, but as the oracles where telling us, I didn't totally trust the spirit side either.  A crisis of faith -- a crisis of reality.  It so resonated with my feelings of being caught in both worlds but not totally belonging to either one.  The phrase that came up over and over again was 'Hearth and Home.'  I don't know where my home is and thus do not feel safe anywhere -- hence the hyper-vigilance and the resulting exhausted depression.

I read a story somewhere about a guy who got on a bus and he was carrying this obviously very heavy backpack.  He took a place standing in the aisle as the bus continued on its route, the pack still slung over his shoulder.  Finally, a few stops later, a woman looks up at him and says, "You know, the bus is strong enough to carry both you and your backpack." And the man realized he didn't have to keep carrying the pack but could put it on the floor.

That's kind of the way I've been feeling -- like it's not been safe for me to put my full weight down anywhere.  I don't dare until I have someplace that's home.

Okay.  Baby step, baby step.  My body is my home here, and I'd already begun to be more consciously present and grounded.  I can do that. Step One, done.  Step Two -- Stay optimistic. In just the past week or so I'd rediscovered what a difference it makes to have my third eye open.  When I get caught in the hamster wheel of thoughts and its resulting tunnel vision, just opening my third eye chakra totally expands the context and perspective of whatever I'm going through.  It's like a "Second star to the right and straight on til morning" type feeling.

So I had those things going for me, and just had to bide my time -- "get comfortable with being uncomfortable," as my reading had told me -- until the answers came of their own accord.  Fortunately I didn't have to wait long.

I was going about my own business this morning at work, mulling over everything from the reading the night before, and thinking about the whole crisis-of-faith thing.  "Maybe I was martyred in a past life? Maybe I had put my undying faith and loyalty into someone or something only to find out they or it was false?" Suddenly, without warning, a memory flashed through my mind.  "Oh my gods! SANTA!!!"

I don't remember exactly how old I was but it was my pre-teens when I found out Santa wasn't real.  It may sound silly but this rocked me to my very foundations. I had had an unwavering, unquestioning, 100% pure belief in Santa's existence, and that reality -- the one where magick was real in the world -- was pulled out from under me.  In a split second I no longer lived in a world I recognized.  I didn't know what I could trust.  Not only did the magickal world get taken away, but it made the physical world less real, and less reliable.  I was lost.  I no longer had a home.

That all might sound a bit melodramatic, but think of it from the mind of a prepubescent, day-dreamer of a boy.  And silly or not, the full impact of this realization sent this fully grown man reeling to the bathroom and had him sitting on the floor sobbing his eyes out.  Tears of grieving a world torn away from me... My innocence ripped away from me.  This was huge!

So I sat there on the floor, my breath still catching in small gasps, when something shifted.  I felt as though some invisible barrier or wall had softly given way and allowed me to sink deeper into place than I ever remember, like tumblers in a combination lock aligning. There was a calmness and a rightness, and I felt like I'd just had a Soul Retrieval -- like some errant part of my soul had finally found it's way home.

I had closed my teary eyes, and suddenly the darkness behind my eyelids turned the color red.  Then I heard the laughter -- "HO-HO-HO!" And there before me stood Father Christmas himself, like he'd just stepped out of a children's book.  

I may have shed a few more tears at this point, from the joy and just the pure relief bubbling up from my heart.  And I'm pretty sure I was grinning as I sighed, "You are real."

He threw his head back and shook with a belly laugh. "Hohohohoho! Of course I am!" Then he paused, and with a sly twinkle in one eye, and a wink with the other, he leaned closer to me. "Are you?"

Eureka!

I'm finally starting to learn that when I'm off-kilter, I'm not alone and that there are bigger forces and patterns going on.  This past week, for instance, has been pretty turbulent, but at the same time that I'm riding from the crest to the trough to the crest of the waves again, I'm noticing a lot of topsy-turviness in the lives of friends around me.  Two different friends ended relationships on the same day, and another friend found out she has to move because the government is buying her land for a levee.  Crazy life-changing stuff.

Still, whatever is going on, I need to deal with my own manifestations of this energy of change, and I have to admit to not dealing with it very gracefully.  Deep, dark things have been coming up --things left over from childhood that I thought I'd dealt with. Self-criticism and judgement  have fueled heavy feelings of worthlessness and sapped any sense of confidence. Today I found myself exhausted and totally stressed out, trying to figure out what the heck was going on.  Finally, on my lunch break, I went out to my car intending to nap, but as I dozed in and out I decided to contact the soul part of my four year old self, who had recently returned in a soul retrieval, to see how he was faring through all of this.

I found my four year old at a table drawing and coloring (If I remember correctly, this was my Kindergarten classroom).  I sat in a miniature chair next to his low table and started asking him how he was doing.  "I'm fine!" He said, too engrossed in his artwork to look up, at least until he finished his drawing of some sort of vehicle that I couldn't make out, and held the paper up horizontally with both hands, excitedly repeating, "Brum!Brum!Brum!" as he turned it back and forth like it was flying.

He returned to his crayons as I asked if he knew what was going on. He looked up at me then with this "I'm sorry, I thought you knew" kind of look on his face.  I don't recall his exact words, but he explained how these things are coming up because of his return into my life.  All the junk that had collected and had basically taken up the space left by his absence, was now being flushed to the surface by his reappearance -- like Archimedes' bath water -- to be cleared away.

I thought about this as he went back to drawing.  It made sense.  It wasn't easy and, at times, was even kind of scary, but it did make sense.  And while I pondered this further I felt a tug on my sleeve.  Young Patrick had turned away from his table and, still holding my shirt sleeve in his little hand and looking into my eyes with a total expression of earnestness, he told me, "Don't be scared.  I will protect you."

Down The Pub

We interupt your normally scheduled blog posts to bring you this very important Blantant Self Promotion...

I'M PUBLISHED!!

It seems almost anti-climatic, as I sort out what the word "published" means in today's era of technology and computers. I've been periodically posting original comics to my facebook page, and eventually ended up dedicating an entire blog to my latest works (http://drawingbreath-comic.blogspot.com/) but in the same way that I still prefer a book in my hands with real pages to turn rather than reading things online, there's something in me that said that, until I hold a solid book of my comics in my hands, I am not published.

It started almost by accident, and as an experiment. Recently my sister published a book of her art with an online publisher -- 

Aside from absolutely loving her artwork, something switched on in my brain. If she can do that with her paintings, then I can do the same thing with my comics!  I checked into the website she used, found out how easy it was, and voila!

The timing was perfect! After I'd been to the Soul Retrieval training with Sandra Ingerman acouple months ago, I was looking at a comic I'd drawn about 15 years ago, and with the new insights I had garnered from the class, realized I was looking at a soul retrieval in comic book form, drawn years before I even knew they existed. I decided I needed to share this with Sandra when I saw her again for another workshop that happened just last week.  I gathered all my original drawings, made sure they were all in the correct order, tucked them into a manilla envelope, and prepared to go to the local printer to make copies.

Boom! That's when my sister finished her book and I realized how cool it would be to hand Sandra the very first published copy of this comic book! ...signed of course. So the following is that comic --

Putar and the Preserver by Patrick Corrigan
Make Your Own Book

 

I drew it when I was rediscovering my love for cartooning.  In the comic, Putar, my childhood feline version of Tarzan and the one character I drew semi-consistently up to recent times, is sent back in time to retrieve my other boyhood charcters, and thus restore that creativity to my current self.  In the final panel Putar holds my younger self and wishes him, "Welcome home."  This is exactly what we've been taught to whisper into the ear of every client when we finish a soul retrieval. How cool is that?

 

So as I continue to do soul retreivals, and make plans to teach shamanic classes, as well as attend shamanic classes, and draw new comics, I am compiling a number of older comic projects and am slowly getting them published into book form.  And as I watch this bit of childhood dream unfurling before me, easier and more effortlessly than I could have imagined, I whisper to the little boy whose dream this has always been, "Welcome home."

 

 

 

 
NOTE:
My sister's book is "30 Dogs in 30 days" 2011 by Kat Corrigan http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/2496995
and while you're at it you can check out her other paintings at http://katcorrigan.blogspot.com/

Soul Train-ing

A month or so ago, I finished a training in Soul Retrieval with Sandra Ingerman -- The woman who literally wrote the book on the subject.  I have written a number of posts on what was happening with me leading up to the workshop, and now as the subtle but palpable changes settle in I'm feeling ready to write about this slow-motion turning-point of my life.

As the date approached I was both nervous and excited. I knew something big was about to happen, if by no other means than by the emotional roller-coaster I'd been on for months prior.  Death/rebirth cycles can be a little rough on the ego, and when it starts fighting, and whining, and whispering doubts and fears into your mind, you know huge changes are around the corner, and oo-doggie was mine making a nuisance of itself!  But as I pulled off the main road and started down the lovely, long driveway winding ahead of me into the deep green forest, and the retreat center I would call home for the next five days, I felt a peace descend  upon me and I breathed a little easier. 

We met that first night in sort of an introductory capacity, and to help us gel as a group we drummed and danced like crazy -- and we weren't the only ones.  More than a few folks mentioned feeling or seeing the Fae that were dancing with us.  And that was not the only otherworldly thing going on.  Despite having spent around 6 hours straight, drumming on the beach a few weeks earlier, not until this night had I developed blisters on my hand from my drum stick.  Not only that, but I had to stop and look at my drum stick a couple times because I felt like it was bending, as if it were made out of rubber, and I was afraid it would break.  Another friend said she experienced the same exact thing.  What a way to start the week, and what an indicator of what an awe-inspiring week it would be!

I won't go into all the details and notes of the week, otherwise I won't ever get this posted.  Plus, by sticking to the highlights, perhaps I can inspire someone to investigate and explore it deeper for themselves.  Suffice it to say I took tons of notes (50 plus pages), and that Sandra prepared us very well and thoroughly on the subject.  Even with just highlights, this post became quite lengthy, so I tried to make it a bit more digestable by breaking it into bite-sized 'chapters.'

At this point, for those who don't know, I should probably explain what Soul Retrieval is -- When we experience a trauma, part of us leaves to avoid the full brunt of the pain. In itself this is a great self protection mechanism, but sometimes those parts don't find their way back on their own.  In a Soul retrieval, shamanic practitioners, with the help of  their spirit guides, can journey into the other worlds to find those missing parts and reunite them with the client, returning to them that lost essence and vitality, as well as the sense of wholeness that is every person's birthright. 

-SALMON SAYS- 

One of the key things to shamanism is that it is not the shaman or the practitioner who does the work -- It is their spirit guides.  The human is the "hollow bone" through which the spirits heal, and like humans, spirits specialize, so one of the first things we did was journey to find out who our Soul Retrieval specialist(s) were:

Even before the drumming started to send us on our journey, I was aware of a salmon jumping and swimming through my mind, providing the four different views of himself which is an agreed upon sign that a spirit is your personal guide. Perhaps a little over-cautious, once the drumming started, I asked my scaly friend to hold on a minute while I checked with my main power animal.  Nathaniel, my reindeer, came running and stopped nose to nose with me. I asked him to take me to my soul retrieval specialist.  I swear he rolled his eyes as he took one big step to the side, revealing the salmon leaning half-way up on a river bank, head resting on one fin while he waved to me with the other.  He said to call him "Sal" (short for Salomon I was to find out) when I asked him to tell me a joke --

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a coconut?

A: Some crazy nut who won't stop talking!

He went on to tell me we'd been working together for some time, just not on a conscious level, and I thought about how often in at least the past year that Salmon has jumped into my awareness. And I thought to myself, what better guide for soul retrievals than a fish who can swim up stream to find the the missing pieces of peoples' pasts!

Seeing as most of us were introduced to a new guide that we hadn't worked with before, we did a couple of journeys to work with and familiarized ourselves with them, and to begin building our working relationship.  So I talked to Sal about various things -- preparation, singing and dancing during sessions, tools, etc.  Apparently I will come up with a healing song to sing as I'm preparing to do a soul retrieval -- something to instantly put me into the right consciousness and to merge with Sal -- but at the time I was too distracted by drumming for my own journey (we'd been sent outside to do this while connecting to the spirit of the land) to receive it.

-SOUL HEIR-

Finally, after a couple of days of preparations, journeys, and note-taking, it was time to jump into the deep end.  We partnered up to give each of us the opportunity to experience giving as well as receiving a soul retrieval, and switched with each other between the morning and the afternoon.

I gave first, but won't go into details because it's my partner's story to share, not mine, although I will say --what an awesome experience!  We were told that performance anxiety is natural before hand, and I was a bit worried -- "What if I can't do this?" "What if nothing happens?" "What if I do something wrong?" -- but the second part of that message was that, the truth is you can't do this! It's the spirits working through you who are doing the work, and our job was to be the hollow bone and let the spirits do their work. And what awesome work it is!

The most interesting thing that happened, though, was that the anklet of braided leather that I'd been wearing for months prior fell off immediately following this.  Just fell off.  Hadn't been loose, or anything else. When I got back to my seat I investigated to see what it was I was feeling under my foot, and there lay my anklet. A more blatant sign of a rite of passage being completed I can't think of, and I can't help but think of my recent reunion with Snake Medicine and it's inherent shedding of old skins.  The cool thing is I'd already talked to a friend about making me a beautiful new anklet with bells and beads, which I am wearing now.

After lunch and our afternoon break, it was my turn.  Again I was nervous and excited, not exactly sure what to expect.  And again I was struck by the ease of these transitional moments.  I had been feeling a 'disturbance in the Force' for months before this time, and now, with nary a whimper, it had passed.  After soaking in the retrieved vitality and energy for about 20 minutes, my partner told me how she had brought back my 16 year old self, who brought with him Clarity and Knowingness.  There was also a message that "Masculinity equals Inspiration."  Fittingly, her Stag spirit guide was very excited about that.

-TREEMENDOUS-

At this point everyone in class had received a soul retrieval, so we were sent out to sit with a tree and to ask it how to better root these returned soul parts into ourselves.  As I walked outside I was amazed at how different everything felt and looked.  I was definitely more grounded and present in my body.  And looking around was almost like when you get a new eye glass prescription -- everything looks the same but a bit sharper, and you're not quite sure how far away the ground is as you're walking. And as I leaned back and allowed the tree to support my weight I had to smile.  Just like my vision quest 2 1/2 years earlier, the first thing I heard was a Raven.  Deep, deep magick was a foot!


The tree answered my question with the image of a drop of water joining a bigger body of water -- there was no distinguishing it from the rest.  It was like a raindrop rejoining the ocean, and all the energy and essence of that drop is now infused with the rest of the ocean of my soul.  So, the message went on, I can't root that soul part to me as if it were separate, but can help that essence remain in my soul y rooting myself to my own essence/divinity.  Meditate every day. It doesn't matter when or how long, or whether in stillness or motion -- just touch base every day.

-UNGAWA-

The rest of that day and into the next, we learned more about life after soul retrieval, and setting up for clients, and other more 'mundane' subjects.  Then in the afternoon we journeyed again.  We had talked at length about "soul stealing" and how, particularly in our modern society, we are constantly giving our soul away, or trying to take others' soul or power.  Co-dependence is a good way to put it.  So from generation to generation this is passed and taught as the normal way of things, but, as Sandra emphasized, this is neither good nor bad, it's just time to stop it, heal it, and evolve into a different behavior.


So the intention for this journey was to ask our guides what souls we had that weren't ours, and for a ritual we can perform to release them --

When I emerged from the tunnel into the Lower World, Nathaniel came running. I asked him my question and he said I'd been doing a good job of unburdening my soul, and that it was more important for me at this point to focus on my own soul and the future rather than the past -- so it didn't matter whose souls they were.

Then he gave me a ritual to release whatever souls I was carrying:  I was to dance in a spiral while sowing cornmeal.  As I danced I was to sing --

"Go with Love

I let you go

And give Goddess

More seeds to sow"

I was to start out kind of crouched down, standing taller and taller as I get to the center of the spiral.  Once at the center, and I believe this was to honor my returned 16 year old soul, I was to face the sun and let loose with a Tarzan yell.

So, of course, the next step was to perform these rituals, and the moment I began to strew the cornmeal/lavender mix I carried in my hand, I palpably felt lighter. And when I got to the center and gave my Tarzan yell, though it didn't come out exactly Johnny Weissmullerish, I was surprised by the strength and duration of the call (as well as the fact that, loud as it was, no one seems to have heard it!).

-FRIEND OF DORKY-

The next journey we did, after making sure our soul parts had at least 24 hours to settle in before bugging them, was to go inside ourselves and meet the returning soul part(s); To find out in our own words why they left, what are the gifts/talents they are bringing back, and to ask what changes we need to make in our lives to make them feel more welcome and to support this wholeness--

I met with my 16 year old self, and the first thing that occurred to me was that I didn't look as dorky as I thought I had at the time. We sat across from each other in my old high school's cafeteria sipping on root beer floats while chatting. He told me that he had left because of lack of support and being invalidated, and I think back to how little support I had back then -- I mean my physical needs had always been met, but emotionally there was not a lot of support for my true-self, so I really had become a shadow of myself as I constantly found the only way to express myself in an acceptable manner was in a self-belittling, self-invalidating way.  Okay. Understood.  

The good news was that that was over, and along with excitement and enthusiasm, he was bringing back a renewed sense of whimsy to help me not be so serious -- or to take myself so seriously.  He was bringing back Authenticity!

I asked what I had to do to make him welcome, and he said I needed to support him -- literally.  I needed to pay the bills and take care of the details of everyday life, then not worry about them.  Get them done and out of the way to leave space for me/him to play and be ourself. 

Still a buzz from our soul retrievals, I was particularly giddy and giggly with this new teenage energy, and began to get concerned that I was laughing too much and too loudly.  It didn't help matters that my friend sitting next me had had her soul part from the same time period as mine retrieved, so we were constantly breaking into 80s songs and stuff. Fortunately I was the only one who felt I was being obnoxious because everyone I talked to complimented me on my laugh and said how much they enjoyed hearing it, and how much it cheered them as well.  And it suddenly struck me that here was the validation I'd been lacking for my authentic, goof-ball self.  As Fred would say, "I'm perfect just the way I am!"

-BODY AND SOUL-

Then we learned that not only do we each have a soul, but that every part of us has a soul or spirit of its own. If someone has a body part that is damaged and needs healing, or even if something has been removed, like an arm or leg, or even a womb, the essence and vitality of that body part can be blown back into the person in the same way we learned how to blow soul parts back into someone, making them that much more whole and less susceptible to further disease and complications. 

We partnered up and did this form of soul retrieval for each other, choosing 3 or 4 physical things we needed help with.  I have had a history of challenges with my teeth, so I asked my partner for help with that.  She ended up doing an extraction -- removing some unhealthy energy -- from the area and then, as we joked afterwards, literally gave me mouth to mouth as she blew the spirit back into my teeth.  But my mouth has never felt as good as it has since then, and I find I don't have the same fears and concerns about my dental health that used to plaque me, having been replaced with a healthy confidence.

I won't mention her comments after I blew the soul of her hamstring back in...

-A DWEAM WIFIN A DWEAM-

Finally we learned one more form of soul retrieval that Sandra calls "Dream Remembering."  Basically, because when we journey in non-ordinary reality it is beyond time and space, we can specifically journey back to the point of a person's birth to find out what their original dream and intent for this lifetime was before all the physical and social conditioning began to erode that away.  Then retrieving that and blowing it into the person, we can return to them that original vision and sense of purpose for the path they were meant to walk, and in that way help them move in the direction of their dreams, which may have lay buried and forgotten.

We partnered up again and did this beautiful retrieval for each other.  Once we received what the dream was that we'd brought into this life with us, we asked for a symbol of this dream, which was then what we blew into our partner, and returning to Ordinary Reality, we drew the symbol for our partner so they could put it up somewhere in their home to remind them.  This is what my partner drew for me--

What my friend brought back for me, the dream I came into this life with, the intention and purpose with which I was born, was to help unite all faiths and teach people to see the common base at the root of all religions. Go fig! :)

-POST REVEL-

So that was the highlights of the week. There were smaller details (and a couple bigger ones I left out that may become posts in their own right) but that should give a hint of how intense and awesome the week was. It took me a while to acclimate back to Ordinary Reality and an 8 to 5 job again, but the funny, and somehow ironic, thing is that my 16 year old has steadily helped me mature since then, something that continues increasingly as I turn around and share what I've learned with the community.

Welcome home!

Teacher's Pet

So, during my soul retrieval workshop, in a journey to ask what I could do to help integrate the essence and vitality that was returned to me, my guides gave me a list --

• Draw everyday
• Walk in Nature
• Meditate everyday (whether in stillness or in the movement of Tai-chi)
• TEACH

Wha-huh?! Teach?! Really?! Me?!  "Yes," Nathaniel said, half-hiding a smile, "It's about time you began to teach."

Picture my surprise upon arriving home and, in checking the stack of emails that had accumulated over the past week, I opened a message from a friend, and former teacher, asking if I were interested in coming over for an evening class on how to teach Introductory Shamanic Journeys.  "...If you feel inspired," she said.  "How can I spend a week with Sandra Ingerman and not be inspired?" I replied.  In fact I was so inspired that when I received a catalog for the local Park & Recreation Dept, I suddenly got a flash of seeing "Introduction to Shamanic Journeying" in the class listings.

So, one of the first things we did in the aforementioned class was journey to meet whoever is going to be our spirit guide(s) for teaching.  Right away I met an owl by the name of Hortance (later it occurred to me -- Hortance hears a hoo-hoo!).  I ran him by Nathaniel, just to check him out, and then, in a little trick I learned from another teacher to 'test the spirits', I asked him to tell me a joke -- the idea being that if they have any other agenda than your highest good, they will not have the humor to do so --

          Q:  What do you call a person sitting alone on a sidewalk?

          A:  A 'dumpling'!   (Think about it from a bird's point of view... flying over... uh-huh...)

Okay. Definitely one of my crew (Though I wouldn't ever have come up with, let alone have told, a joke like that...).  

I was a bit surprised that Fred didn't pop up, since he's a model teacher for me, so I went to his place.  He told me Hortance was my main teacher guide, but he would definitely be there (then Jeshua and another guide chimed in with a "Me too" each).

So I went back to Hortance to ask how we would work together.  Hortance called it "Creative Inspiration" -- he would supply the energy and inspiration, but the words would be my own.  We would ride a whole spectrum of varieties on the theme, from him talking through me to me expounding on my own experiences, but for the most part it would be his creative inspiration.

Finally I asked what were the gifts/talents I was bringing to the table for my future classes?  Stealth and Humor.  Like an owl who is totally silent in flight so that it's prey doesn't know it's there until the owl's talons are sinking in, my classes will be so busy laughing and enjoying my passion for the subject, they won't realize until afterwards how much they have learned and how much has sunk in.  No wonder my Teacher's Aide is an owl!

It's funny because, as a kid in school, other than being a cartoonist, the two careers I could easily see myself doing were acting and teaching. I used to watch my teachers, particularly the passionate, inspiring ones, and imagine how, and what, I would teach.  And now this new direction seems imminent (which it must be if I already have a designated spirit guide for teaching!) as I begin setting up plans with a few others to teach Shamanic Journeying.  And even before receiving that email, when I was finishing up the Soul Retrieval workshop, I was feeling a strong tug toward taking Sandra Ingerman's Two-Year Teaching Program. It seems like the natural next step, especially as I remember what White Buffalo Calf Woman told me on my vision quest almost two and a half years ago -- that "my path is to be shared."  Sharing is teaching.

Of course when I ask my guides about it, they tell me, "One step at a time."  So I will continue to simply put one foot in front of the other, and see where I end up.

Wren Faire

Having spent almost an entire week learning Soul Retrieval with Sandra Ingerman, the woman who literally wrote the book on the subject, was one of the most incredible weeks I've ever experienced.  And now that I'm home and have had a couple days to acclimate again, and share many cuddly nap-times with my lonely kitties, I'm feeling a bit of internal pressure to write and share about last week.  However, I'm also still integrating the essence and energy of my 16 year old self that was returned to me, and as our energies merge and become one, I'm finding the prospect of detailing last week's highlights a bit daunting at the moment.  So stay tuned -- SAME PAT-rick TIME, SAME PAT-rick CHANNEL!

In the meantime, I do wish to add a sort of epilogue to my last post concerning Wren's sudden and meaningful presence in my life.  At the workshop, on one of the first days, we were sent outside into the woods to journey and connect with the spirits of the land and the trees and thank them for allowing us here and working with us. 

When I had finished talking to the spirit of this Old Man Tree that I was sitting in front of, and was writing down notes from my journey, a wren flew right in front of me, between me and the tree which was only a couple feet distant, then around the tree again before disappearing into the underbrush. I couldn't help but laugh, and thanked Wren profusely again for his timely appearance.

I wrapped things up and returned to my place in the little chapel that was our classroom for the week.  Before she started teaching again, Sandra told us of how, once everyone had left, this "little bird" had flown in the door on one side of the chapel, hopped around the entire circle of seats, checking out every single one, then after a failed attempt to leave out a closed window, just flew out the open door on the other side of the chapel.  "Did it have a stiff little tail?" I asked, demonstrating with a couple fingers hopping bird-like in front of me. She nodded.  "That was Wren!" I said, sitting back with a huge smile on my face.

As The Crow Flies

Crows have been blatantly everywhere in my vicinity lately, and not just in the air and the trees.  A friend offered me a crow-tail fan, and, at about the same time, I know of two people who found dead crows within a day or two of each other. In fact I helped one of them --

                             

Shortly after that I was talking to a friend about Crow and, though I know some of what Crow Medicine entails, he gave me some insights I hadn't thought of -- the main one that stuck with my Taoist heart being that Crow is the dark 'eye' of the lighter Yang half of the Yin-yang symbol.  Yang is the masculine, sunny, summer, day-time, active side of the symbol, which holds within it the seed of it's feminine, shadowy, winter, night-time, passive counterpart.  This seed is Crow.  Crow carries the Great Mystery, the womb of darkness within which all manifest creation is conceived, into the day light; The peace and stillness and dreaminess of winter into the heated activity of summer.

This in particular struck me because, at the same time that I've been feeling more in tune with the seasons and the turning of the Wheel of the Year, I have been feeling strangely out of sync with the rhythms of the earth.  When this aspect of Crow was brought to my attention it made so much sense.  There has been a noticeable lack of usual group activities for me this summer as I have been more introspective.  I actually have camped more this year than I have in the recent past, once or twice just to get time to myself in the woods. I have welcomed the longer hours of light and the spaciousness they bring, which seems to allow me to breathe easier.  But rather than spending this extra time, and fillling the extra space with the teeming crowds of summer, I've been drawn to quieter, more introspective things. Even at Faerieworlds this year, amidst the dancing, celebrating faerie masses, I hardly saw or interacted with anyone -- even the friends I was camping with.  Most of my time was spent with a dear friend who came for the first time this year, so that my experience was quieter and more intimate than normal.

The other obvious thing with all this Crow energy, is my upcoming Soul Retrieval training (which I may have mentioned once or twice).  I can not explain the shifts that are taking place inside of me right now, on a deep, deep level.  Exciting and scary at the same time.  At any given moment I am just as likey to burst into tears as I am to burst into laughter.  What does this have to do with Crow? In the words of a website entitled "Crow Medicine":

"Crow guides the magic of healing and the change in consciousness that will bring about a new reality and dispel "dis-ease" or illness. You can rest assure when ever crows are around, magic is near by and you are about to experience a change in consciousness. Crow can give you the courage to enter the darkness of the void, which is the home of all that is not yet in form."

 That pretty much says it all. "Engage."

Higher Asp-Irations

For awhile now, there has been someone skulking around in the shadows at the corner of my consciousness. Well, not skulking so much as slithering.  I have been an admirer from afar, and felt a kinship and connection, but have never really owned that.  Recent events, however, have brought that full in my face (literally -- but I'll get to that) and I've had to acknowledge the place Snake has in my power animal pantheon.

I've always liked snakes and remember playing for endless hours with the garter snakes at my cousins' house as a kid. At one point I even drew up the blue-prints for an enclosure so I could bring one home with me (luckily for the snakes it never got past the planning stage).

Though I've never had a live snake, I do have a snake skin that I feel was a gift from the Snake Spirits.  It was a couple years ago and I was at this local Pagan ritual.  As I was walking past some underbrush I heard a rustling sound, and catching a glimpse of movement out of the corner of my eye, I quickly turned my gaze upon it, expecting to see one of the many rabbits that populate this area.  To my surprise I saw a snake, smoothly sliding out of sight into the tall grasses, and in his wake, a glistening complete sheath of his former self.  Holy crap! I had just witnessed one of the most amazing, and magickal, occurrences in the animal kingdom!

Then came the question: Do I take it?  I've had mixed feelings through the years about keeping various animal parts, particularly when it came to dead animals (something I have, since then, resolved), but then I realized that this wasn't a dead animal and in fact was not very different from the feathers I collected -- each one a gift and message from that particular bird.  This was basically a gift and message from Snake -- a snake feather!

Actually, what prompted me to finally write this entry today is that, last night I dreamed I found two snake skins.  The weird, and admittedly a bit creepy, thing was that when I picked up the second one, I realized the snake was still in it. The skin was totally loose and unattached, but the snake was still moving through it -- kind of like one of those gel-filled tube toys that you can endlessly slip through your hands because it keeps rolling and turning back into itself.  Not sure how good an explanation that is, but hopefully you know what I'm talking about. :)

Almost exactly one year ago, I had a huge encounter with Snake in a dream, which then manifested in my purchasing a beautiful, 3-way drone flute in the shape of a snake.  Since that was an entire blog post of its own, I will let you read it here if you are interested, rather than re-telling that tale. :)

So this past summer I've taken a couple shamanic classes that have influenced and deepened my relationship with Snake.  The first class was the basic class from the Foundation for Shamanic Studies, the organization created by Michael Harner who basically brought Core Shamanism to the main stream western world. We were learning about Power Animals, and the teacher explained them differently than I had ever heard them explained before. I just thought they were like guardian angels, just watching over you and guiding you, etc. But when they say Power Animals they really mean "Power" Animals.  They are the ones that help us plug in to the power of the Universe, and help that power to flow to and through us, maintaining our well being.  She told us they were like transformers, taking the vast power of the cosmos, which would totally wipe out our circuitry, and bring it down to a level that our systems can handle.  Me, being who I am, when I heard our Power Animals were transformers, could only picture Nathaniel, my reindeer, transforming into a Delorean -- As one friend put it, "Totems in disguise!"

Anyway, we then learned to do Power Animal Retrievals, to reconnect someone with a power animal they had lost or were disconnected from, which we performed on a partner in the class, and the animal who was retrieved for me? Snake!

When my partner journeyed to find my power animal, she actually almost stepped on him.  "Oh sorry! Ok! Now where's this power animal I'm looking for!" She finally realized Snake was the one, and he showed himself to her three more times (an agreed upon demonstration to signify that this is the power animal you're looking for).  The final time that he appeared (and when I heard this I just nodded my head and said, "Yep. He's gotta be one of mine.") he was driving a car -- a Ford Fairlaine my partner thought -- and saying, "This is a different reality, baby!"

A week after the Foundation class, I went to Portland for another shamanic class taught by a well-known author/teacher who focuses on Celtic Shamanism.  Now the Celts did not believe our essence or spirit resided in our hearts, like the general consensus seems to believe today.  They thought the head was the receptacle for one's essence and power, and thus the Celts would take the heads of their enemies.  So the exercise was to do a dismemberment journey (a process where during a journey one's guides dismember you and then put you back together in a clearing and transformative way) only it was to be a partial dismemberment, asking our guides to just take our head and to doctor it up into a power object.

In my journey I met Nathaniel, and I think before I could even ask, I saw him cock his head to the left, and with one fell swoop of his antlers, off came my head.  It was one of the oddest sights, seeing a reindeer pick up and carry my head by the hair.  He set it on a big rock, and then, as I watched out of my own eyes again, Nathaniel took one more swipe with his antlers, and split my head open, exposing my brain. (Perhaps at this point I should interject that there is no blood or pain, for those of you over there cringing in the corner.  ...sorry) The next thing I saw was this huge cobra-ish snake coming right for my head with opened mouth and brandished fangs. He sank one fang into each hemisphere of my brain.  I don't remember actually being put back together, but then as I heard the call-back signal on the teacher's drum, I turned to Nathaniel to say good-bye, and was shocked by what I saw. "Nathaniel! Where are your antlers?!" "On your head, duh!" I sort of lolled my head back and forth and felt the extra heft of them. "Oh my god! That is so cool! Thank you!" Nathaniel just sort of smiled and loped off as I returned to the room where I lay.

The timing of all this has not been lost on me.  Everything that is happening in my life right now (and particularly over the last 9 or so months...) is pointing me toward a HUGE rebirth.  Everything I thought I knew no longer holds sway.  I am having to let go, release, and surrender everything I thought I was, or thought I had.  It's been a painful exfoliation experience, out-growing my old skin and letting the things that are no longer, or never were, true peel away, leaving a tender and not fully hardened skin exposed to the world. Snake shedding it's skin.  And add to that the alchemy of transforming the poisonous venom into healing medicine -- That all these changes and experiences, painful as they may or may not be, are all purposeful and hold at their root that which is necessary to heal myself and the world. 

What better example of this transformation than my aforementioned journey where big, beautiful antlers, like the branches of a tree reaching up and opening receptively to the sky -- to Spirit -- sprout from the same spots where the snake's venom was injected into my head. 

And as I'm still processing all of this information and allowing it to integrate into my system, I'm preparing for another huge transformation. Two weeks from today I begin a 5-day intensive training in Soul Retrieval with the woman who literally wrote the book on the subject.  As I just start to think about it, the tears well up, and all I know is that something big is in the makings.  BIG.  Big, big medicine.

"This is a different reality baby!"

Mary Meet

Recently a dear friend told me that a friend of hers had channeled Mother Mary for her. Now I had heard my friend mention this woman occasionally, and every time she did I got this strong feeling I needed to meet her. I never acted on that feeling up to this point, but suddenly I had a glimpse of why we needed to connect. And so this past weekend we got together, and she channeled Mother Mary for me -- almost like automatic writing, but with her typing on her laptop while I read along and asked my questions. It seemed very synchronistic with my recent "automatic texting" message I channeled for a friend.


It was very enlightening, particularly in that there were many things in the body of the channeling that really hit home, even though we didn't really talk about much until afterwards. For quite a long time afterwards. It was nice to make a new friend with so much in common, and be able to share experiences and knowledge.


Some of the material is a bit personal for the moment, but I thought I would share what I can --



It is I, Dear Ones, Mother Mary come as requested to answer what you would ask of me. It is lovely to see two souls united in this quest for knowing, for oneness, on this beautiful day. What is it that you would ask of me this day?



After my soul retrieval you told me that I was on the path of the angels. I would like some clarity on what you meant by that.



I meant that I see you as one with yourself in a way that you never have been before. That there is less space between who you are and who you allow yourself to be. This is as it should be, and yet it is never an easy thing to accomplish while one is in body. It is this to which I pointed when I made that remark. We see you as one who shines his light into corners where there is little light, in hopes that what he finds there will make others lighter, will make his own way lighter. And in fact we see that you have lightened your own load considerably in setting down so many things that you no longer carry. Do this sufficiently answer your inquiry?



Yes, thank you. ...Is there anything else you would like me to know or would like to tell me?



We see you as a great light in your community. Some would even say elder, though you may not be ready to hear this term. Soon, the younger ones will begin coming to you in greater numbers, for they are lost to some degree and will benefit from your guidance, from your seeing, from your centeredness. It is your role with these to see first, reflect next (mirror), and then to guide. They will amaze you in the leaps they will next make, for you would not have seen it in your conscious self. But they are on their way to you now, as the world is not at the level they had imagined it would be at when they made their life plans. So they will need to know how to weather the storms that are currently taking place. We are certain you will be able to help them. We know that you worry much about whether this will support you. We remind you and send you back to seeing it all flowing in beautiful harmony, see the web and your place in it, and remember always, you are dearly loved. We are the energies of Mother Mary, in beautiful pageantry across many lifetimes. You, too, are a canvas of colors and energies – know that all you need is in this creation, and all is well, now and always. We wish you much love, and many adventures, upon your unfolding path, and so it is.



Thank you.

Aye of the Storm

So the Monday after my soul retrieval (did I mention I had a soul retrieval? :)), when I was feeling very much here, very much centered, and very much whole, I was driving to work when something struck me. The feeling of centeredness was sooo strong that I was experiencing a total detachment from the world. A total appreciation for everything while at the same time a total detachment. I was seeing the divine harmonious dance of everything -- no good or bad, just total "isness" -- and though I was a part of it all, I could let it all go and just watch it spin and dance around me because I knew who I was at the center of my world. The 'A-ha' came as it dawned on me what exactly this experience was.


To back up just a bit, I am dedicated to the goddess Artemis. I reported many months ago, in another more private blog, that she had told me to be "the eye of the storm". In this sudden epiphany I said outloud, "This is what you were talking about isn't it!" "Aye, Beloved," and I could almost hear her smile.

O Soul Mio

Two weeks ago I had a Soul Retrieval. Technically that is. I heard somewhere that the process actually starts the moment you make the commitment to do something like this, as in setting a date. In retrospect that is how it happened for me.


So a few weeks before the actual ceremony, I talked to the woman, a classmate in my shamanic studies, on the phone answering questions and solidifying plans. I believe it was the next night that I had a very strange experience. As I was sitting on the couch, after just having put in a movie (28 Days with Sondra Bullock), This odd feeling, like a softly squeezing pressure, started in my lower extremities, then like a wave washed up and over the rest of my body. It was very similar to what an anxiety attack feels like, only there was no anxiety -- other than me sitting there stunned asking myself, "What the heck was that?!" It was a bit freaky, and once I regained my senses, I called a friend to talk about it.


She asked a number of questions to help me get clear about it, then asked if I'd asked Jeshua. Of course I didn't. These are the times it would be perfect to tune into my guides, but being the absent minded shamanic practitioner I am, often forget that option.


So I did ask Jeshua, and he told me a couple things. First of all I have been experiencing so many changes with so many energy shifts ( I am no stranger to the so-called 'Ascension Sickness'), but have only been recognizing them after the fact, and that, on some level, this time I had asked to really feel it, palpably. The second thing he told me was, "That is what birth feels like."


The imagery made a lot of sense to me, other than the fact that I would have been coming out of the birth canal feet first, but tactily was probably pretty right on. That experience faded and the
next couple weeks went relatively normally.


The night before the soul retrieval, I was in Starbucks. I was just leaving, Mother Mary popped into my consciousness, with a peaceful gentleness, saying something about being at ease, and she smiled. Every night when I was a kid, and a good Catholic, I would say my rosary as I was falling asleep in bed, and I always felt Mary's presence hovering over me, then embracing me as if by angel wings. She again embraced me this way, and again I felt that soft, soothing , motherly love surrounding me.



The next morning, Friday, the day of the the retrieval, I was lounging on the couch, feet draped over the ottoman, and eyes closed, when I felt something small, soft, and wet tickle my foot. I assumed it was Mr. Timmons sniffing around -- he seems to have a foot fetish -- but I opened my eyes and he was on the other side of the room. There was nothing even close to my feet. "Interesting," I thought, "I wonder who that was?" I closed my eyes again to take a look. Standing off acouple of yards was a lynx, just staring at me. I knew it wasn't her. Too big for whatever it was I felt brush my heel.




So looking a little closer, I saw a merekat standing in front of me. He told me "You have many underground resources in rooms you have never even seen or explored. And you are surrounded by a community that watches out for you -- You don't have to be on such high alert all the time or on your own. Hakuna Matata!" Still he was too big to have been what I felt. I was, however, very pleased to look Meerkat up later in one of my animal guide reference books and found, almost word for word, what I'd been told.



I turned to Lynx and asked what she was doing there. She told me to "whisper my secrets to the world." Suddenly it made sense to me. Lynx is the keeper of secrets, in fact there are theories that the Great Sphinx in Egypt is a lynx and not a lion. What better guardian to have with me on a soul retrieval.



I felt a familiar tickle on my foot again, and this time saw the responsible party -- a trio of otters rolling and playing on the ground, occasionally brushing my foot in their play. Their message was the need for me to ease up and play, regain my innocence, my flow, and my sensuousness.



As I watched them the phrase "Be like water" came into my head, and with it a story that I still need to write that basically tells of how a river longed to know itself on a deeper level, and so became embodied as an otter that it may swim through its own depths.



After all this happened, I received a text from a friend who was struggling with some personal challenge, but also being close to Jeshua mentioned that she would just have to give it to him to solve. Instantly I started texting her back, only it wasn't me. I mean I was pushing the buttons, but the voice coming through the words was not my own. I just kind of blissed out and as words flowed into my mind I typed them into my phone, finally sending it to my friend when it felt complete. After a bit she texted back a thank you. "Wasn't me." "Oh I know that voice very well."



Before I left for the actual ceremony, I was cleaning out my back-pack. As I reached into the bottom of the bag I felt something cold and smooth. "What the -?" I pulled out this beautiful green stone (Malachite I was told later). The thing is I don't remember ever getting it. I was sure I must have picked it up somewhere, but for the life of me I couldn't remember where. The different shades reminded me of deep forest, especially with the rings resembling those on a tree. This stone was special, so I tucked this little green miracle into my pocket.

It was finally time for the actual ritual, which took place at my shamanic teacher's home, a space that has become safe and magickal to me. I placed my stone on the altar, and we called in the directions. My teacher then drummed while my classmate and I lay on the floor with our shoulders, hips, and ankles touching -- the reference point for the journeyer, asking her guides for the soul parts for this person who I am connected to. The journey didn't last very long. I, and my two friends that came with me to hold space for me, were surprised, having been prepared for an hour or two, and I don't think it lasted 20 minutes. My classmate sat up then, and after rattling her deer-toes for a bit, blew the soul parts into my chest. Then she sat me up and blew them into the top of my head. She rattled around me, sealing the parts in, then, releasing the directions, we were done.

My classmate told me of the two parts she'd brought back. One was from when I was very young. And this was not the first time I'd heard this, but as a boy I experienced a "profound disappointment" because my life was not living up to the expectations I'd brought with me when I was born. Out of an almost boredom, that part of me left, but now it was back, bringing a renewed vigor and joyfulness for life. The second one was from my teen years, and centered around a relationship that either didn't happen, or went wrong. This would bring me the gift of confidence, and more ability to give and receive love in relationships.

It is highly recommended that you don't drive after a soul retrieval, so my friend, who had plenty of experience, having driven me home from my vision quest, drove me to her place. Even though I felt fine aside from a bit of spaciness, I thought it best to stay safe just in case. I spent the night on my friend's couch, although I'm not sure how much I actually slept. I tossed and turned all night, exhaustion wrestling with restlessness, and the next morning I woke feeling like I'd been hit by a Mack truck. No energy what-so-ever yet couldn't really sleep either. Finally I headed home, feeling alright to drive, and basically spent the rest of the day sleeping on my couch.

The next couple of nights were rough. I encountered the same restless tiredness, my body jerking awake as soon as I fell asleep. Sunday morning, as I was minding my own business, I suddenly saw Mother Mary hover back into my mind. She smiled at me and said, "Be not afraid. You walk on the path of angels." Still haven't figured out what she meant by that.

That night I slept better than I had previously. I think I actually woke up with a smile, and as I went to work that day, and that whole week, I was on a whole different level. Even at work nothing could touch me. I just wasn't in the same space as everyone else, feeling their world lapping up against my legs, like waves on a lake, and occassionally a big wave would hit but I would duck, it would momentarily wash over my head, and then I'd stand up, once again towering over it.

The next Saturday was my monthly shaman circle in Seattle. As I sat there I could hardly contain myself just buzzing with energy and wanting to bust out laughing. We began our talking circle and I grabbed the deer bone talking stick. I began relaying what I have reported above, and at one point I looked over and my teacher was crying. I couldn't help but tear up as well as I mouthed a silent 'thank you' to her. When I was done she explained to the rest of the circle that it had been like a triple graduation -- It was the first time she had taught a soul retrieval class, it was the first time one of her students had performed a soul retrieval, and it was the first time I'd received one.

What a gift, for a teacher to care that much. I was incredibly touched. And the integration of these soul parts, these parts of me that had checked out somewhere along the line for various reasons, has been an up and down process, but through it all there is a different feeling. No matter what emotion or situation I'm experiencing, there is a sense of wholeness. For the longest time I had found myself saying, sometimes outloud, that I should be able to handle whatever it was in front of me. It was like standing on one of those rickety bridges that you see in the movies, but where a board is missing right where you needed to put your foot in order to support your weight.

The board has been replaced, and I am standing again. My stance is stronger and more balanced. It can still get a bit shaky, but no matter how rough it gets I can no longer fall through.

Welcome home soul.