The Year of Deepening

One of the advantages of being Pagan is a grace period for New Year’s resolutions. I always look forward to the new year for the chance for new beginnings, starting fresh, and making changes in the way I think or do things. Not that you can’t do any of that at any time. Every moment is technically a new beginning with infinite choices for what your next step will be. But there’s something about the turning of larger cycles that lends itself to our own mental and emotional cycles, to have specific points at specific times that support specific intentions.

And so on the Gregorian calendar, the one we use with all the months of the year, January comes around and makes me feel excited to drop old, unproductive patterns and to refocus on what’s important on my path; To regain my bearings to navigate my life. Then for about a month I have the opportunity to try things out, change my mind, tweak intentions, and solidify my focus for the year because with the arrival of February, on the Pagan Wheel of the Year, comes the Celtic celebration of Imbolc, when it is the traditional time to make dedications and set intentions for the year. To me this is when my intentions really take root, especially because these dedications are declared in a ritual that takes place in sacred space, which aligns and deepens the commitment.

For several years now I haven't done much at this time of year. There’s usually the token "Woo-hoo! Things are going to be different now!” But that sense has not been long-lived, and survival in my outer world -- rife with 'world-crumbling' challenges of home, work, transportation, relationship -- has overridden any initial burst of energy toward my intentions for deeper, spiritual growth and change. It has been a really rough few years. And as I listed the areas of said challenges, it just dawned on me that they are all survival challenges, death/rebirth challenges, root chakra challenges. I could not have honestly said this before now, but coming through those challenges has deepened my rootedness. So again, as devastating as things may have seemed at the time, and as many moments as I may have doubted that I would even physically survive these challenges, there was purpose in the chaos, and what seemed like destruction was actually the construction of deeper, stronger roots. And the deeper your roots go, the higher you can soar. And what gives me the perspective to acknowledge that is that I’ve seen the first glimpses of flight.

For a couple years now I’ve been attending my friend’s Singing Bowl Sound Baths, which have been miraculous in helping me heal and recover from a devastating narcissistic relationship of the previous year. So when I went to the New Year’s Day sound bath last month, I thought I was as recovered as I was going to get and that everything was back to normal. Psyche!! As I sat there afterwards listening to the discussion that inevitably follows, something shifted. I suddenly became aware of a part of me, a deep part of me, that I had lost track of and forgotten. I don’t even know how to describe or put into words who or what this part of me is, or how integral he is to my True Self and Identity. It was a feeling of waking up to something, in the same way you might drive for an hour then suddenly awaken to where you are as if you were driving in your sleep. It was like I'd been sleeping these past few years, driving hither and yon on automatic with no bearings, when suddenly the clouds parted, revealing my North Star. And in that instant I remembered where I was headed and who I was. In that moment I had purpose and direction. In that moment I was whole.

After the aforementioned narcissistic relationship I had taken a year off from dating to collect myself and focus on my own growth, but it suddenly became clear that it'd actually taken me the last two years just to recover from the spirit shattering damage of that experience. NOW I can begin, or continue, the journey of self exploration that was seemingly interrupted or set aside about three years ago, which was such a strong and deep part of my consciousness for so very long.

This then is my intention for the coming year -- I dedicate myself to my own soul deepening. I dedicate myself to maintaining my ship's bearings toward my truest, deepest, most authentic self. Under the umbrella of this dedication comes a renewed dedication to my cartooning and my writing. I've begun doing a daily doodle, drawing at least once a day, and by publishing this post I'm already doubling the amount of blogging I did last year. This then is the year for more deeply exploring and expressing my Authentic Self.
This then is my Year of Deepening.

Stayin' Alive

This is the second, and the biggest, of the three events I've mentioned in earlier posts that have shaken my world recently by happening in rapid succession, bringing with them much anxiety and depression with no room to breathe or process one incident before the next one hits.  The first was my previous post "Schrodinger's Car."  

During that adventure, I was without my car for an entire week.  During that week, basically home bound, other than the rides begged from coworkers to and from work, and not able to get anywhere on my own, I noticed something peculiar with my leg.  There was a spot on my upper calf that was tender to the touch and felt like a bruise.  "Huh..." I thought, then went about my business.  It didn't hurt other than when I touched it, so I just wouldn't touch it.  Over the course of a few days, though, it turned pink, and this pink streak started to move up to, then just past my knee.  Again it didn't hurt other than being sensitive to the touch, and I thought it was an allergic reaction to something or a rash.  It seemed to follow the seam of my jeans so I started calculating how long it had been since I'd done laundry -- perhaps my jeans were extra dirty and my skin was reacting?  And it really did appear to be just skin deep.  

So I did laundry.  Still the pink remained, stretching slowly up my thigh.  I kept trying to ignore it, because I didn't have a car to drive to the doctor with, plus I'd had a blood clot last year and it had healed, so what are the chances of it being another one?  Well, as the days stretched on without a car, and the feelings of helplessness and vulnerability increased, it was harder to chase those thoughts away.  Finally I got my car back but, my doctor not being open on the weekends, I had a couple more days' wait til I could see her.   

By the time I got in to see her I'd convinced myself again that it was nothing.  In fact, expecting it to be a quick visit on my lunch break, I figured I'd wait to grab lunch on my way back to work.  Wrong answer.

My doctor, a Naturopath, took one look at my leg and her whole cheerful, optimistic demeanor disappeared.  "Guess where you're goin'?" She said as she pulled some paper work out of a folder and began filling it out. "Oh no," was my only reply.  I'd been through this eerily familiar scenario the year before so I knew exactly where she was sending me -- for an ultrasound to check for a blood clot. And there was no daddling.  Other than pausing to give me a long, reassuring hug, she sped me on my way.

Oh no...  Not again... Okay...  I've been here before...  I can do this...

So I wasn't surprised when the ultrasound revealed a clot, or being put into a wheel chair and carted down to the ER.  It was an experience of a detached deja-vu, and I was pretty much resolved to dealing with whatever the Universe had in store for me.  I'd survived the first time.  This time I may just need to dig a little deeper into the spiritual reasons this popped into my reality a second time. 

At the same time there seemed to be something different.  My wheel-chair chauffeur even mentioned this one was a little scarier than the first. I'm still not sure exactly why, and I didn't really want to know.  I just wanted to get in, and get the treatment so I could set those worries aside and not be concerned about dropping dead at any moment.

They wheeled me in to the ER, got me officially checked in, and then, contrary to the last time where they wheeled me into a room and instantly started taking care of me, they wheeled me back out to the lobby saying they'd call me in as soon as the doctor was available.  

Alright.  Now I was starting to freak out a bit.  After being told how serious this was, I was sitting in the lobby waiting.  It didn't help that it was closing in on evening and I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since breakfast. I really started to think in terms of 'what if I don't make it this time?'  My wait seemed an eternity of anxiety waves washing over me, spiking, then retreating.  Still, there was a bit of satisfaction that I didn't fall into full-on panic attack.  

I was momentarily relieved when they finally wheeled me back into a room.  But after hooking me up to the machines that go 'bing' and taking some blood, I found myself again alone and waiting.  This was a bit maddening because, from the last time I'd experienced this, I knew as soon as I got the first blood thinner I'd be safe -- that would prevent any part of the clot from breaking off and entering my heart, brain, or lungs -- but until then I was afraid I could go at any moment, so what were they waiting for?!

Through the experience I was able to call a couple people, including my mom since I honestly didn't know if I were getting out of this alive, and I texted a bunch of friends to send prayers and healing energy.  One of my friends reminded me of the card I had pulled just the day before at our Sacred Pipe Circle --

It is actually a page from a desk top calendar, but how fitting is that?  She more than anybody helped me stay in my body and remain present through the experience, keeping me mindful of the spiritual reasons and bigger picture that was going on (Thank you Tara!).

Finally I received my first treatment of blood thinner, which was a huge relief.  So I can go home now, right? Nope.  They were concerned about my heart rate and didn't want to let me go til it came down a bit.  The whole time I was thinking to myself, "If you just let me go home, it'll come down on its own!"  Because I hadn't had anything to drink all day they started me on some liquids to rehydrate me which can affect heart rate, and that did have a positive effect -- At least until they came in with an EKG machine to check my heart, and I got the feeling they were waiting to see if I were going to have a heart attack or something.  I'm sure my anxiety peaked again.  And despite any attempts to meditate or give myself reiki, it felt like a losing battle and I just couldn't calm down.  I was looking my mortality in the face and wasn't sure I'd make it. 

Though I didn't go into full-blown panic attack, the anxiety I was experiencing was bringing back some oh-too-familiar feelings and thoughts.  It wasn't death that I was afraid of.  I'd had enough experiences through meditation, shamanic journeys, and psychopomp (helping souls who had passed to get to the light), that I knew there was nothing to fear there.  No.  My biggest fear was failing all the people who loved me.  All the people currently expressing their love and support and healing thoughts... If I were to die anyway, it felt like a huge betrayal of them.  It felt like a huge expectation that I didn't know if I had the energy to fill.  And I would be a loser for not being able to take care of myself, and for letting my anxiety run away with me unfettered until my heart couldn't handle it anymore.  It would be my fault and I would let down all the people who look up to me, and they would see me for the fake I really am.  

Through all of that, I did find a point of surrender that I hadn't felt since my Vision Quest four years earlier.  The last night of my quest I spent in the sweat lodge, but believe me there was no sweating going on.  It was in the first half of May, and it still got really, really cold at night, and I was so cold I didn't know if I would make it til morning.  At some point I just totally surrendered, and said a prayer that, if it was my time to go -- Here I am.  Take me.  As you probably have already guessed, I didn't die then.  In fact, shortly after that the sun began to rise and things began to warm up.  And then I heard chanting, and when I looked around to see who was singing, I realized it was the stone people in the center of the lodge, left from the first sweat we'd done to begin my ceremony.  It was the voices of the Grandfathers, heralding the completion of my ordeal, and then whispering in my ear my new Spirit Name.

I think it finally dawned on me then that this whole experience in the ER was part of another Vision Quest for me.  So I closed my eyes and told Goddess that, if it were her will and it was time for me to leave this life, then I was ready for her to take me.  I just kind of surrendered and let go of eveything, not knowing what to expect, least of all what happened next.  

As I sat there, anxieties still raging around me and threatening to tear me apart while I buffered my willingness to surrender to whatever Divine plan awaited me, a portal of sorts opened before me, like a window just in front of my third eye.  And as I looked in amazement trying to figure out what was happening, these hands and arms reached through the portal, grasped me, and pulled me through -- not into death but into life.  Somehow I realized that these were the hands of all those I would help in the future, reaching back and pulling me into the reality where I do live and still make a difference in the world - in their worlds.  

That's when I flashed on the following scene, perhaps my favorite in the entire Ruruoni Kenshin series, about a former samurai assassin who took a pledge never to kill again, carrying a samurai sword that has its blade on the non-business side...  

...because instantly I was aware that it did matter if I lived or died -- That if I still had things to accomplish in this life I wasn't going anywhere.  That rather than being ready to die, I had also to be ready to live.  I had to live, for my sake and the sake of everyone who I'd help.  I had to stay alive.

A dear friend arrived to keep me company in the ER, and I credit her presence for calming me enough that they would release me, and am so grateful to her and her house mates for allowing me to spend that night at their place.  Though I was coming down, my anxieties were still all over the place, and I felt better not having to spend the night alone.  I took the following day off of work to walk in the woods and to ground.  I had some dried apples someone had given me a couple months ago, and I took them to a special Hawthorne tree I know, and emptied the bag at the roots.  An offering of gratitude to all in the spirit realm, the realm of the Fae, and the physical realm, who had aided in my standing there once more upon the earth.  "Thank you Goddess."

                             ***                                           

As a bit of an epilogue, at one point in the ER I was talking to Nathaniel, my reindeer spirit guide, and he told me, "One day you will be grateful for this."  Seeing as I was not having the time of my life, I assumed he meant some day, way down the line.  I didn't need to wait quite that long.

Thanksgiving arrived shortly after this all went down, and a friend gathered with her family, as people are wont to do on such occasions.  Her Brother was there and was complaining about his leg bothering him for no reason.  My recent ER experience still fresh in her mind, my friend told him that he'd better get it checked out because it could be a clot.  A couple days later he had it checked out and it turns out he did in fact have a blood clot.  So my experience, as rough as it was, actually helped save someone else's life.  How can I not be grateful for that?

True Colors

Thus far this year has been ...well ...interesting -- both personally and globally.  I quipped to a friend just the other day that I think "interesting" has become the new "normal."  With all the crazy things going on in the world, I have found myself questioning how I found myself in such a bizarro reality ( "Bizarro" in the Superman sense of the word -- or Seinfeld sense if you prefer -- of being "weirdly inverted or opposite of expectations").  It has been disorienting, discouraging, and disheartening as I ask myself, "Did I take a wrong turn somewhere? What the heck is going on?!"

Then an interesting thought occurred to me -- What if the world really did end in 2012 as it was predicted to, and we just didn't notice?  This brings up one of my favorite quotes from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy~

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."  ~Douglas Adams

 I'm not saying that the Earth blew up and we're all walking around not realizing we are actually dead -- though wouldn't that be interesting?  I'm thinking again of the Shamanic death-and-rebirth cycle so familiar to pretty much anyone on a spiritual path.  The old world literally died, and now we are in the birth pains of a new world.  It's interesting to think of these things happening on a global level, to everybody, rather than just individually as I am used to. 

A number of years ago I heard a woman speaking about the coming Age of Aquarius, which we have just entered, and the one thing she said that has stuck with me since then is, "Birth is messy! Birth is bloody! Birth is painful!" Yep, that about covers it.

Remember also that this is the year of the Snake -- All this stuff that doesn't feel good, the stuff that feels like really old, really backward ways of thinking and being, is coming to the surface as part of a cleansing, flushing out, sloughing off the old skin that doesn't fit us anymore.  It seems dark, and possibly apocalyptic, but it is temporary.

What this line of thinking has brought up for me was a revelation I had after 911.  I had similar feelings of being in a world, and in a country, that seemed so foreign to me -- that I didn't belong in --with all the soaring attitudes of vengeance, revenge, chest-beating us v.s. them patriotism, and a weird sense of  'justice' that had nothing to do with dealing with the original issues. I was driving to work one morning when I asked myself out loud, "What am I doing in a world I don't fit in?"  Almost instantly it struck me. That's exactly why I am here -- because I don't fit in! That is my gift to the world and why I'm here -- to bring a different view to the world. To introduce new ideas and perspectives.  It's kind of like the way I think of all the things you get picked on for in school as a kid, later become your strengths and the things that set you apart -- the gifts you have for the world.

It is times like this, as tempting as it is to curl up, shrink back, and withdraw, that we need do the opposite. It is especially important at times like this that we find and share our voice.  The world needs you.  Seriously it does!  You are not here by accident with your unique set of talents.  And I'm not talking about marching on Washington, but simply living your life.  Change your own little world.  Bring beauty to your own little bubble of reality, and the entire world benefits.  You touch and influence everyone around you, who in turn touches and influences everyone around them, and so on and so on.  All these bubbles intersect and touch others, and if you ever doubt this, simply look at how small a world it has become with the intersecting circles of people on Facebook.  We really are powerful when we focus that power on where we are and what we're doing.

What originally started me on this whole thought stream was the song that shares the title of this post.  I heard it the other night when I was feeling discouraged (which is why the first couple lines really grabbed my attention) and every lyric resonated with me like it never has before -- And I've been finding renewed strength and encouragement through it.  The world needs you, now more than ever, to show your True Colors~~ 

You with the sad eyes

Don't be discouraged

Oh, I realize

It's hard to take courage

In a world full of people

You can lose sight of it all

And the darkness inside you

Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors

Shining through

I see your true colors

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors

True colors

Are beautiful like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,

Don't be unhappy

Can't remember when

I last saw you laughing

If this world makes you crazy

And you've taken all you can bear

You call me up

Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors

Shining through

I see your true colors

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors

Your true colors

Are beautiful like a rainbow

© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Where I Am

Traditionally Winters tend to be a little rough for me.  In some ways this year has followed suit, although I have to admit it has not been as dark and trying as past seasons.  In other ways it has been even more trying.  I've had some core, core stuff coming up for me to deal with, which has had me questioning everything -- what I do, what I believe, who I am.  It sometimes feels like I've lost my way, or am actually going backwards.  At the base of all these questions and resurfacing fears is the feeling of not being where I'm 'suppose to be'.  That I'm falling short somehow and not as far along as I should be. 

And to bring these things smack up into my face, a couple days ago my morning began with a phone conversation  with a friend who voiced her anger at me for exactly that -- Not living up to my potential, not being further on my path, and not doing my spiritual work.  On some level I realized these were her own judgements from her own expectations of who I should be, and had nothing to do with what was really going on with me.  Yet there was still a part of me -- a very young part of me -- that kind of woke up and asked, "What if she's right?"

From a very early age I felt like a stranger in this world, so right away I began, for self-preservation, to try to figure out how this seemingly non-sensical world worked, which mostly consisted of figuring out what was expected of me and how to live up to that.  This developed into the perpetual feeling of not being where I'm suppose to be, physically and otherwise, with undefined expectations hanging over my head that were impossible to live up to.  This is what was/is, I believe, at the heart of my challenges with panic/anxiety and depression.

There is much more to say on the subject, but I'm dangerously close to going off on another tangent or three and losing my intended focus for this particular post.  In short, the questioning and seemingly spinning my wheels this Winter was punctuated by this conversation which threw me into a familiar darkness of purposelessness and powerlessness.

I don't know how many times I started crying that day but I had to keep finding reasons to walk off by myself at work.  I felt totally worn down and exhausted -- unloved and unlovable.  At the same time there was a thread of peace underlying all the other feelings that gave me strength.  Despite the tears and sadness and confusion was the knowingness that this was ok.  That it was happening for a reason.  That it was coming up because it was in the process of flushing out of me.

Finally I decided on my lunch break to journey, hopefully to get some answers and clarity--

Feeling a bit ungrounded I decided it was a good idea to begin from my anchor point in this physical reality rather than just popping in on my guides like I tend to do. So I started at the tree, in the middle of the old Faerieworlds site, which is the shamanic portal for me to the otherworlds. 

I hesitated, listening to my heart as to which way to go, Upperworld or Lowerworld, then a moment later was climbing my tree toward the Upperworld home of my spirit teacher Fred.  The branches stretched skyward, disappearing into a ceiling of clouds, and as I rose through the clouds, I emerged through the floor of Fred's living room.  Instantly, in the journey and where I reclined in my car seat, I began to bawl at the love I felt radiating from this place and this man.  Have I mentioned before that Fred's last name is Rogers?

Fred greeted me and gave me a long hug, allowing my tears to fall on his sweater, then he sat me down.  He told me that I was exactly where I was 'suppose to be', even if that were among feelings of being lost and confused.  He brought up Cormorant, who had entered my life at the beginning of last year as a power animal, saying she was still working with me, using her medicine and diving deeper into the dark and unknown than I have ever been in this lifetime.  That is why on the surface there hasn't seemed to be much change or movement -- why I feel I'm not making much progress -- because the changes and shifts are too deep to be totally recognized yet in my day to day life.  This made a lot of sense as to the reason I've felt the way I have, because enormous amounts of my energy have been working fathoms beneath the surface, leaving the part of me still on the surface feeling the loss of that energy.  That in itself allowed me to relax considerably.  That's why I've felt so out of it, so exhausted, so vulnerable, and so battle worn.

I thanked Fred then said I think I needed a dismemberment -- a process where your guides take you apart and then put you back together stronger than before (I'm really trying to resist the temptation to say, "We can rebuild him! We have the technology!").  Instantly Fred, began karate kicking me, and with every swipe of his foot through me, I burst out in sprays of glitter and faery dust until there was nothing left of me, save for my consciousness just floating there. 

The next thing I knew I was watching this tiny little spider repelling down from the ceiling.  She stopped about 6 inches above my head and began spinning me into a cocoon of it's silvery threads.

At this point the exhaustion that had been dogging me took hold and I fell asleep.  The afternoon passed, then after work, as I was driving to Seattle, I recalled where the journey had 'stopped.'  A little alarmed that I couldn't remember getting out of the cocoon, I mentally connected with Fred to find out what had happened.  "You never did get out. You're still there. It's time for you to rest."

Phew!  There's nothing like getting permission from your guides to rest -- which is ultimately you giving yourself permission.  I have been driven since childhood to assess what was expected of me (which in reality was what I made up from what I believed others expected, since no one ever told me what those parameters were) and then to strive, and to strive, and to strive even harder for some nebulous potential. This process has hardly let up into the present, so no wonder I'm exhausted!

Again, my growing realization is validated -- that fulfillment, enlightenment, wholeness (whatever you want to label it) is gained by surrendering and dropping into what we already are, rather than the general consensus that these things are only gained through effort and strain.  As Jeshua has been saying for the twenty-some years that I've been going to him, there are no accidents so we are always in the right place at the right time. Wherever I am is where I'm 'suppose to' be. "You are where you are, and that is perfect."

So I set my intention to allow myself to rest, to allow myself to grow at my own pace, following my own time line no matter what the calendar or others might say, and to drop back into the wholeness and well-being that are my natural state.  And I follow the advice that Artemis continues to tell me:

"Don't give up. Just surrender."

Hitting the Shower

So I don't know if this is a universal thing or if it's just me, but the bathroom tends to be one of the most sacred spaces I know of, particularly the shower.  I think I do more praying and contemplation in the shower than any place else.  And recently I needed both.

I'd been experiencing a tooth-ache off and on for a few weeks and was told I needed another root canal.  At the same time I was told my dental insurance had maxed out til the beginning of the year so, with the aid of antibiotics and vicadin I hoped to make it that long.  ...not so much.  I swear the pain I experienced in the course of those weeks was the most excruciating I'd ever experienced.  At times I was only getting a couple hours of sleep a night, spending most of that awake time pacing back and forth in my apartment in tears not sure what to do or how much more I could endure.

The pain meds didn't even touch the pain, and one of the only ways I discovered to lessen the pain, or maybe just distract my nervous system to other places besides my tooth, was to take a hot shower.  I did a lot of praying during those weeks -- sometimes three or four times a night!  One such night as I stood in the shower, my forehead against the wall in defeat, my pain-wracked mouth throbbing, I had a vision. 

Just to back-track briefly, about 8 months ago during a Soul Retrieval that I received, I was reunited with a certain Spirit Guide who, I was told, was like a family member.  It turned out this mysterious 'relative' was none other than Merlin.  The Merlin.  "Oh great!  It's the 'Robin Hood thing' all over again!" I thought (...Oh!  I haven't mentioned or explained the 'Robin Hood thing' before?  Okay, but you'll just have to wait for another post. ONE tangent at a time...). I've also never been big on wizards, thinking them a bit Hollywood and cliched -- particularly in this age of Harry Potter.  In fact, back when I was getting my Reiki II attunement I got a glimpse of an old white-haired robed man who looked back at me over his shoulder, smiled and winked at me before disappearing.  I assumed it to be a guide of mine, and now realize it was most likely Merlin doing some reconnaissance, but my reaction was, "A wizard. Pff! Why'd it have to be a wizard?"

Anyway, returning to my shower scene, I saw Merlin in this glowing light and he was dancing wildly, celebrating something.  Then, rather loudly, he struck this large, Chinese gong and shouted, "You made it!"  "Made what?" I asked.  Apparently I'd crossed a threshold somewhere along the line dealing with the discovery of the blood clot in my leg, financial challenges, and now my tooth, all piggy backing on each other one right after the other before the previous one has even been resolved. 

The realization that came to me, centering mostly around the blood clot situation, was that this was an initiation.  Normally in Native cultures, to become a shaman a person had to face an illness or sickness that took them to the brink of death from where they had to decide to either die or to heal and come back in order to heal others -- this is why shaman are often referred to as "The Wounded Healers."  Well, according to Merlin, this has all been that initiatory crisis for me, facing a situation that well could have taken my life, and yet coming through it with the determination to live. Not that there weren't times I was afraid I was going to die, or, with the tooth pain, almost wished I could.  I just kept finding things I had to live for, things I wanted to do, things I had to look forward to.

And not that it's been a totally smooth ride from that point either.  The pain did go away shortly thereafter, but then it did come back again.  But even though I don't have the money for a complete root canal I did get the tooth taken care of temporarily to take away the pain until next month when I have insurance.  And I've had one or two scares with the clot in my leg, one of which recently had me back for another ultrasound, only to find out that the blood thinners have been doing their job and that the clot had shrunk to about half its original size. And things are still tight, but this was the first in a few months that I wasn't scraping together rent money. Phew!

Like most things in Nature there is no clear beginning or ending, one fading into the other like the colors of the rainbow, so the initiation continues. As long as the clot is there I have a pretty constant feeling of something hanging over my head, but I do feel a corner has been turned and am for the most part confident that a full recovery is imminent.  And the strength and compassion I have gained from all of these experiences is incredible.  So, in no way saying I'd want to do it again, I can sincerely say I am grateful for the past few months.  And I am grateful to be on this side of them!

Bulldozers and Bodhi Trees

Recently someone posted a photo online that really affected me.  I have been unable to find it again and don't remember who posted it (so if after my description you realize it was you, please let me know), but what it pictured, from a little distance away, was a massive bulldozer surrounded by forest, and some feet in front of it, in the middle of a swath of bared earth, a lone figure of a man standing straight and tall as if staring down the metal behemoth.  The chills that ran up my spine were almost identical to those I experienced when I first saw that famous footage of the student facing down the tanks in Beijing. 

The difference was that this was somewhere deep in the jungles. It was not being televised to countless numbers of others.  With the exception of the photographer, there was possibly no one else here to witness, support, or do anything if the bulldozer continued in its path, and therefore no extra social pressure for the driver to stop.  The world was not watching. 

Now, for just a second, with all of that in your mind, place yourself in the shoes of this man...

Can you feel the absolute courage and surrender that is necessary for him to be standing in that spot at that moment?  Of course fear is present too, but stronger is the conviction that this is worth facing death for, and the willingness to let go of everything  he loves and holds dear in this life for one single instant of truth. Nothing else exists at this moment but this moment. The future hovers tauntingly over and around him, with a fork in the river of his life staring him in the eye with a cheshire grin...  ...Okay, so I've experienced this moment...

 Beyond the politics and particulars of this specific situation, there is a mythic dimension that beckons me with the question, "What bulldozers in your life are you willing to face down?"  There is a cycle in my life where things just go along, dum-dee-dum-dee-dum, but slowly a feeling builds, an itchiness for something, and the fabric of my life, which has up to this point formed a seamless background, begins to unwind in the whiffs of illusion that it is, and I find myself at a point where, again, I must let go of the convenient smoke and mirrors of the untruths in my life and surrender to the bigger Truth of existence -- of my existence.

There comes a point when I begin to realize how many false beliefs I am holding -- how their weight drags me down and drains my strength in the heavy toll they demand for carrying them. Egoic beliefs such as how powerless, or how hopeless, or how stupid I am.  The only thing to do, then, is to set them down, and stand there, waiting for my destiny, my Truth, to make itself known -- to find me.  These are simultaneously the most vulnerable and most powerful moments of my life.  This is the shamanic death and rebirth. 

I can't help but think of the story of the Buddha. After unsuccessfully trying every possible path to enlightenment, Siddhartha finally sat beneath a Bodhi tree determined that he would not move from this place until he was either dead or enlightened.  I keep tripping over words to describe this state because it really can't be described, only experienced. But this drive toward truth, the Truth that lies beneath all being, is so familiar to me that I can resonate with the Buddha sitting beneath the Bodhi.

A few years ago I sat in the woods myself for three days and this was exactly how I felt.  There is an undeniable truth of my being --  a part of me that exists beyond time, beyond duality, indestructible and immortal.  My true being, my essence.  This was the object of my quest, to experience, embrace, and become that, and there was no one here but me and the Divine to sort it out -- to hold to the truth and let all that is false fall away.  There was my shaman friend who brought me 4oz of pomegranate juice twice a day, but she and the other three friends who were supporting me energetically were camped some distance away. And, though remote, I realized there was a possibility that I could die.  Cougar and bear sightings in this area were not uncommon. But I was in total surrender, trusting there was purpose, letting go of everything and everyone. 

Synchronistically, last night I attended the monthly gathering where a friend of mine channels Jeshua, and one of things he said was that, if you take the word "alone" apart it says "all one."  There is this subtle yet profound truth here that I have become increasingly aware of, about what it really means to be free.  And I have to admit it scares me to my depths!  At the same time I can see it is really the only path for me and behind the smokey wisps of fear is an indescribable power, and joy, and rightness of being.  To be totally free you can not hang onto anything, or perhaps a better way of saying it is you must hold everything with an open hand -- the detachment spoken of in Buddhism and other Eastern ways.  So the paradox seems to be that to become one with all, you have to be alone -- To realize oneness you must separate yourself from everything you thought or believed.  It is about Illusion and Truth, Fear and Love. 

The tricky thing to realize is that it is not a battle between two equal and opposing forces -- Good and Evil.  Mountain v.s. Mountain as a friend used to say.  The powers involved are Love and Fear, and in actuality Fear is not a power -- it is an absence of power, the absence of Love.  Even that statement is not totally accurate because Love is the only power in the Universe and there can not be an absence of it.  Fear is the Illusion of the belief in the absence of Love.  Fear is not real.  As someone who experienced years of daily anxiety attacks, I can say that the feelings of fear are very real and valid, but the beliefs those fears are based on are not real or true.

During my last big bout with Panic Attacks and Depression a few years ago, I spent a couple months recovering at my parent's home, and every single day I went for a two mile walk.  With every single step I reaffirmed the validity of my feelings and at the same time the fact (despite overwhelming evidence from my overwrought nerves and brain) that the feelings were not based on Truth.

Perhaps this is the price of being an Artist, a Visionary, a Shamanic Practioner, a Spiritual Warrior.  Not so much picking the 'right' side in a dualistic battle, but holding to the Truth -- the Truth you know and feel in your heart of heart of hearts -- no matter what countering demons, fears, and illusions rise against you, threatening your very destruction; No matter how many countless people can not see what you see.  And yet for me it is a choiceless choice.  I can not be any other way.  And I have to acknowledge to myself my own strength and tenacity, because no matter what happens in my life and how down or anxious -- to the point of nervous breakdown -- I get, or how infinitesimally small it may seem, I never lose that grain of hope, that deep, abiding and underlying sense of connection, the sacredness and oneness of All.

Love is real. Love is the only reality.

And as my favorite quote from A Course in Miracles states:

"Nothing real can be threatened.

Nothing unreal exists."

Dis Members Only

Whenever I hear someone say, "I want to be a Shaman!"  I just have to shake my head, and whether I say it out loud or not, I think, "No, I don't think you do."  I don't think a lot of people have the complete picture of what shamanism encompasses.

First of all, it truly is not something you can choose.  It chooses you.  I think about growing up Catholic, and particularly in my family where we were very close friends to many of the parish priests and nuns.  I learned at an early age what a vocation was, listening to these holy people talk about their individual callings to the sacred life, and their feelings of "coming home" when they answered that call.  Indeed, I felt a resonance with them, having heard a spiritual calling from an early age.  My mom tells me the priest who baptized me did so fully convinced I was destined for the priesthood.  As a boy I had the entire Mass memorized and I would mouth the words along with the priest.  Even in college, at a Benedictine Monastery, I very seriously considered entering the brotherhood and becoming a monk.  Eventually my path took me beyond the parameters of the Church and further down my 'Golden Thread Road' to a more shamanic context of spiritual clergy, but the spiritual calling was always there.  To deny it is to deny myself.  It's who I am, not what I do.

But besides all of that, and despite the romanticized image and the rewards of living the Way of the Shaman -- And I am the first to sing the praises of the shamanic life with all its beauty, and depth, and meaning, and healing -- it is not for the faint of heart. I've heard it said that shamanism is a continuous chain of deaths, but you don't usually read about that in the owner's manual.  In fact, in many cultures, to become a shaman you have to literally be brought to the brink of death, via an accident or disease or whatever, and through spiritual means return to the land of the living.  This is why shamans are often called "The Wounded Healers."  And in most culures, or so I've heard, when one realizes they are being called to be a shaman the reaction tends to be more of an, "Oh crap!" rather than a "Woo-hoo!"

It has been quite the challenging winter, as winters seem to tend to be for me, but with Imbolc (February 2nd, and the first day of spring on the Wheel of the Year) in sight I believed I had weathered it, and, in any case, it was coming to an end with brighter days ahead -- literally.  This sigh of relief was short-lived, however.  On the day of Imbolc itself there was a seemingly minor incident at my day-job, but it set off a chain reaction in me that was colossal, rending the illusions of my life and bringing into sharp focus what was real, and how I could no longer pretend to give validity to what wasn't.  It was a very snake-like vision, watching parts of my life shred around me and slough off like a snake's skin as I grew beyond them and they could no longer contain me.  It was a freeing yet scary experience, and I can hardly put into words the clarity of reaching for this light -- my light -- my essence -- for it is the only reality. Yet it was quite disorienting, for my material/physical life no longer seemed to fit, and though I had this guiding light, what I could expect in my day-to-day life was in total darkness.  I had no idea what it might look like and what changes would occur.  In an act of surrender I needed to let go of everything I knew. Everything!  It reminds me of a saying from A Course In Miracles, "Nothing real can be threatened, nothing un-real exists." The only thing that was real at that point was me, my essence, the Truth of my Being.  Everything else was transitional, a dream, shadows on the wall. 

That night at the Imbolc ritual of my adopted coven, I barely held back the tears as we stood around Brigit's cauldron, ablaze with flames of blue, and in my turn prayed my intentions for the year to surrender to my path, the path of my heart -- which is the heart of the Goddess.

From that point the shadows only deepened.  I was attempting to go off zoloft for a more natural alternative, and though it was a more controlled fall than the last time I tried, it was still a slow descent into the underworld. Both my mental and emotional realms (air and water) became unstable and unreliable. I lost touch with my passions and motivation for doing things (fire) and I began questioning whether I could even take care of myself and hold down my job (earth).  So here were all four elements spinning around me tumultuously, and it was very difficult not to get caught up in the storm.  But the 5th element, Spirit in the center, the eye of the storm, was still, as always, a safe port.  How many times in the past has Artemis talked to me about being the Eye of the Storm? 

With the help of returning to my original medication and an awesome soul retrieval, I began a slow crawl out of the depths and, though a bit disappointed at the prospect of going back on a pharmaceutical,  I heard the wisdom in a friend's comment that, "were this diabetes and insulin we were talking about, we wouldn't be having this conversation." 

During this time I also reached out and left a phone message with a dear, shamanic practitioner friend, and received a beautiful email in response which included the following wisdom:

I know the discouragement your voice portrayed. I too have spent many times trying to get off of zoloft to no avail. It has been a really hard road and difficult to think that after all of this amazing work I do I still can't shake deep dark depression. You are amazing, patrick. Your light is huge and your laugh is medicine for the world. I don't know what all this means that we sensitive types also need medication to live in this world, but I do know it is damn important we are here.

This encouragement uplifted and carried me considerably!

Finally, in the past couple weeks especially, I have returned from the underworld, Persephone emerging into the light, and the word that most seems to fit me now is "reborn."  Then it struck me.  This has all been one, long, slow-motion, dismemberment!

Dismemberment is something that happens in shamanism, but I hadn't really considered it outside of a shamanic journey. In a dismemberment journey one of your guides basically takes you completely  apart, down to the atoms, in order to put you back together better and stronger than you were before (insert 70s flashback to The Six-Million Dollar Man and "We can rebuild him. We have the technology.").  It can seem kind of gruesome and shocking if you don't know what is going on, but it is painless and when you surrender to it, it is so healing.  I've had Nathaniel, my reindeer, rip me apart with his antlers (and in one odd journey I watched the inside of his mouth light up just before he blasted me Godzilla-style, instantly dematerializing me) and the amazing thing is realizing that even without a body, I was still there.  Once you're put back together, it's like the feeling after a good dental cleaning.  Everything that isn't actually part of you has been cleared away from between every atom and you are fresh, new, and feeling stronger than before.

And that is exactly where I am now.  I feel stronger, more confident, and happier than I did before this 'real life' dismemberment journey began, and am excitedly looking forward to the near future and stepping into my power as I officially open my shamanic practice. 

Shamanism may be "a continous chain of deaths" but then it is also a continuous chain of rebirths.  It is both, in an ever turning cycle, while in the center of it all sits the unwavering Spirit, the eye of the storm, and our true, indestructible identity.  It is a whole, and must be considered in it's entirety when embarking on the shamanic life.  To live shamanically you must be willing to die repeatedly to everything you thought you knew, thought you were, up to that point.  You must be willing to be dis-membered in order to re-member who you truly are.

"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found."
~Pema Chodron

First Class

I'm part of a newly formed group, Seattle Shamanic Teacher's Collective, whose objective is for one of us to be teaching an Introduction to Shamanic Journey class somewhere in the Seattle area once a month.  Last Saturday was my turn, and my first shamanic teaching gig ever.  Well, there was the talk I did a Summer or two ago when I was working a psychic fair, where all readers had to give a 15-20 minute talk, and I spoke about Animal Spirit Guides and led a guided meditation for people to find an animal guide.  That was a great warm up for this latest experience.  And like that time, as the magick moment approached I found myself more excited than nervous -- at least until the last minute.

Like I mentioned in an earlier post, teaching is one of the careers I day dreamed about doing when I was a kid (and now the only one left I haven't really done yet is acting -- not counting being the Little Drummer Boy in Fourth grade -- though I do have ideas about how to introduce puppets into my classes for children...), so rather than being a huge stretch into unknown territory, it felt more like stepping into a space that was waiting for me -- stepping into another aspect of my own power.  I was born to do this.  And it seemed a natural next step for me. 

A little over two and a half years ago I went on a vision quest, and in the middle of it White Buffalo Calf Woman appeared to me (actually for the 2nd time) and she told me, "Your path is to be shared."  Shortly afterwards I began this blog to follow through with that Divine request and to share my path.  And now comes the opportunity to share my path in a new way.  It just felt perfect.

So as the date approached a niggling voice in the back of my head started whispering in my ear, saying I wasn't prepared enough.  I still needed to study up, make lots of notes to read from, etc, etc, etc.  Though I was still very excited, the nerves started gaining strength and I started wondering if I really was prepared.  Finally, the night before my debut I sat down with an outline given to me from another teacher, intending to write my own outline and notes to make sure I was covered, and to make sure it was worth my student's time.  But as I looked over the outline, all I could picture was myself in front of the class lifelessly reading off the notes -- "Bueller? Bueller?" Talk about wasting my student's time!  They might as well read a book.  No, this was not a high school book report.  This was a subject I was passionate about, a passion I wished to pass on and inspire others with.  My goal was to empower the attendees, not bore them within an inch of their lives.

At a loss for what more to do in order to get ready, I decided to journey to Hortance, the spirit guide who recently introduced himself as my teaching guide (see my post Teacher's Pet) to get his insight.  When I asked my question of him he walked up to me and placed his wing on my heart.  Two and a half years ago,on that same aforementioned vision quest, amidst the chanting of the stone people in the sweat lodge as the first rays of daylight began to warm my shivering form, the spirits whispered my name in my ear, and now my owl invoked that name, saying to me, "Speaks His Heart must speak his heart.  Trust your experience.  Trust your knowledge.  You will know what to say."

For the first time I was also made to realize what a significant step this was.  This simple, seemingly
insignificant two hour class was nothing short of a full-blown initiation, another death/rebirth, a letting go of everything I'd been taught up to this point and stepping into the unknown where things, and I, would never be the same again.

Along with this epiphany came a mini movie and I watched this man (Me?!) walking toward a cliff.  He had this heavy pack on his back.  Though I didn't see anyone else there, a voice asked, "Would you set aside everything you've ever been told, or believed about yourself, if someone told you that by doing so you could fly?"  Without hesitation the man laid down this ever increasingly heavy pack, in which he carried all his misconceptions and misperceptions of himself, and turning, stepped one foot of the cliff and with the other lightly pushed off the ledge, as if casting off a canoe, floating in the air before soaring off into the sky.

I returned to 'Ordinary Reality' and, with a sigh, tucked the outline away.  "Alright, I'll try it your way," I said out loud to Hortance.  Can owls smile?  I'm pretty sure Hortance did.  On one hand this had alleviated some nerves, but, as in all death/rebirth experiences I've had, there comes this anxious moment when you really have to let go of the past -- consciously part with the seeming safety of the way things 'have always been done' --and lay down the heavy pack of accumulated baggage if you are going to be light enough to fly into and embrace a new expansive future.

And as it turned out, of course, I really had nothing to worry about.  My worry had been that I would run out of things to say, but we ended up going a half hour overtime because I got so carried away with talking and telling my experiences and answering questions, that I almost ran out of time to have each person experience their own journey.  And every person did journey and met a guide, taking the first step on their personal shamanic path of empowerment. And what an honor, that the lessons of all my experiences,
enjoyable and not-so-much, find fruition in touching others' lives and lessons!  And how grateful I am to those brave souls who showed their faith, in me and their own guidance, by signing up for this first leap off the cliff with me!  Eternal thanks to my First Class!

Soul Train-ing

A month or so ago, I finished a training in Soul Retrieval with Sandra Ingerman -- The woman who literally wrote the book on the subject.  I have written a number of posts on what was happening with me leading up to the workshop, and now as the subtle but palpable changes settle in I'm feeling ready to write about this slow-motion turning-point of my life.

As the date approached I was both nervous and excited. I knew something big was about to happen, if by no other means than by the emotional roller-coaster I'd been on for months prior.  Death/rebirth cycles can be a little rough on the ego, and when it starts fighting, and whining, and whispering doubts and fears into your mind, you know huge changes are around the corner, and oo-doggie was mine making a nuisance of itself!  But as I pulled off the main road and started down the lovely, long driveway winding ahead of me into the deep green forest, and the retreat center I would call home for the next five days, I felt a peace descend  upon me and I breathed a little easier. 

We met that first night in sort of an introductory capacity, and to help us gel as a group we drummed and danced like crazy -- and we weren't the only ones.  More than a few folks mentioned feeling or seeing the Fae that were dancing with us.  And that was not the only otherworldly thing going on.  Despite having spent around 6 hours straight, drumming on the beach a few weeks earlier, not until this night had I developed blisters on my hand from my drum stick.  Not only that, but I had to stop and look at my drum stick a couple times because I felt like it was bending, as if it were made out of rubber, and I was afraid it would break.  Another friend said she experienced the same exact thing.  What a way to start the week, and what an indicator of what an awe-inspiring week it would be!

I won't go into all the details and notes of the week, otherwise I won't ever get this posted.  Plus, by sticking to the highlights, perhaps I can inspire someone to investigate and explore it deeper for themselves.  Suffice it to say I took tons of notes (50 plus pages), and that Sandra prepared us very well and thoroughly on the subject.  Even with just highlights, this post became quite lengthy, so I tried to make it a bit more digestable by breaking it into bite-sized 'chapters.'

At this point, for those who don't know, I should probably explain what Soul Retrieval is -- When we experience a trauma, part of us leaves to avoid the full brunt of the pain. In itself this is a great self protection mechanism, but sometimes those parts don't find their way back on their own.  In a Soul retrieval, shamanic practitioners, with the help of  their spirit guides, can journey into the other worlds to find those missing parts and reunite them with the client, returning to them that lost essence and vitality, as well as the sense of wholeness that is every person's birthright. 

-SALMON SAYS- 

One of the key things to shamanism is that it is not the shaman or the practitioner who does the work -- It is their spirit guides.  The human is the "hollow bone" through which the spirits heal, and like humans, spirits specialize, so one of the first things we did was journey to find out who our Soul Retrieval specialist(s) were:

Even before the drumming started to send us on our journey, I was aware of a salmon jumping and swimming through my mind, providing the four different views of himself which is an agreed upon sign that a spirit is your personal guide. Perhaps a little over-cautious, once the drumming started, I asked my scaly friend to hold on a minute while I checked with my main power animal.  Nathaniel, my reindeer, came running and stopped nose to nose with me. I asked him to take me to my soul retrieval specialist.  I swear he rolled his eyes as he took one big step to the side, revealing the salmon leaning half-way up on a river bank, head resting on one fin while he waved to me with the other.  He said to call him "Sal" (short for Salomon I was to find out) when I asked him to tell me a joke --

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a coconut?

A: Some crazy nut who won't stop talking!

He went on to tell me we'd been working together for some time, just not on a conscious level, and I thought about how often in at least the past year that Salmon has jumped into my awareness. And I thought to myself, what better guide for soul retrievals than a fish who can swim up stream to find the the missing pieces of peoples' pasts!

Seeing as most of us were introduced to a new guide that we hadn't worked with before, we did a couple of journeys to work with and familiarized ourselves with them, and to begin building our working relationship.  So I talked to Sal about various things -- preparation, singing and dancing during sessions, tools, etc.  Apparently I will come up with a healing song to sing as I'm preparing to do a soul retrieval -- something to instantly put me into the right consciousness and to merge with Sal -- but at the time I was too distracted by drumming for my own journey (we'd been sent outside to do this while connecting to the spirit of the land) to receive it.

-SOUL HEIR-

Finally, after a couple of days of preparations, journeys, and note-taking, it was time to jump into the deep end.  We partnered up to give each of us the opportunity to experience giving as well as receiving a soul retrieval, and switched with each other between the morning and the afternoon.

I gave first, but won't go into details because it's my partner's story to share, not mine, although I will say --what an awesome experience!  We were told that performance anxiety is natural before hand, and I was a bit worried -- "What if I can't do this?" "What if nothing happens?" "What if I do something wrong?" -- but the second part of that message was that, the truth is you can't do this! It's the spirits working through you who are doing the work, and our job was to be the hollow bone and let the spirits do their work. And what awesome work it is!

The most interesting thing that happened, though, was that the anklet of braided leather that I'd been wearing for months prior fell off immediately following this.  Just fell off.  Hadn't been loose, or anything else. When I got back to my seat I investigated to see what it was I was feeling under my foot, and there lay my anklet. A more blatant sign of a rite of passage being completed I can't think of, and I can't help but think of my recent reunion with Snake Medicine and it's inherent shedding of old skins.  The cool thing is I'd already talked to a friend about making me a beautiful new anklet with bells and beads, which I am wearing now.

After lunch and our afternoon break, it was my turn.  Again I was nervous and excited, not exactly sure what to expect.  And again I was struck by the ease of these transitional moments.  I had been feeling a 'disturbance in the Force' for months before this time, and now, with nary a whimper, it had passed.  After soaking in the retrieved vitality and energy for about 20 minutes, my partner told me how she had brought back my 16 year old self, who brought with him Clarity and Knowingness.  There was also a message that "Masculinity equals Inspiration."  Fittingly, her Stag spirit guide was very excited about that.

-TREEMENDOUS-

At this point everyone in class had received a soul retrieval, so we were sent out to sit with a tree and to ask it how to better root these returned soul parts into ourselves.  As I walked outside I was amazed at how different everything felt and looked.  I was definitely more grounded and present in my body.  And looking around was almost like when you get a new eye glass prescription -- everything looks the same but a bit sharper, and you're not quite sure how far away the ground is as you're walking. And as I leaned back and allowed the tree to support my weight I had to smile.  Just like my vision quest 2 1/2 years earlier, the first thing I heard was a Raven.  Deep, deep magick was a foot!


The tree answered my question with the image of a drop of water joining a bigger body of water -- there was no distinguishing it from the rest.  It was like a raindrop rejoining the ocean, and all the energy and essence of that drop is now infused with the rest of the ocean of my soul.  So, the message went on, I can't root that soul part to me as if it were separate, but can help that essence remain in my soul y rooting myself to my own essence/divinity.  Meditate every day. It doesn't matter when or how long, or whether in stillness or motion -- just touch base every day.

-UNGAWA-

The rest of that day and into the next, we learned more about life after soul retrieval, and setting up for clients, and other more 'mundane' subjects.  Then in the afternoon we journeyed again.  We had talked at length about "soul stealing" and how, particularly in our modern society, we are constantly giving our soul away, or trying to take others' soul or power.  Co-dependence is a good way to put it.  So from generation to generation this is passed and taught as the normal way of things, but, as Sandra emphasized, this is neither good nor bad, it's just time to stop it, heal it, and evolve into a different behavior.


So the intention for this journey was to ask our guides what souls we had that weren't ours, and for a ritual we can perform to release them --

When I emerged from the tunnel into the Lower World, Nathaniel came running. I asked him my question and he said I'd been doing a good job of unburdening my soul, and that it was more important for me at this point to focus on my own soul and the future rather than the past -- so it didn't matter whose souls they were.

Then he gave me a ritual to release whatever souls I was carrying:  I was to dance in a spiral while sowing cornmeal.  As I danced I was to sing --

"Go with Love

I let you go

And give Goddess

More seeds to sow"

I was to start out kind of crouched down, standing taller and taller as I get to the center of the spiral.  Once at the center, and I believe this was to honor my returned 16 year old soul, I was to face the sun and let loose with a Tarzan yell.

So, of course, the next step was to perform these rituals, and the moment I began to strew the cornmeal/lavender mix I carried in my hand, I palpably felt lighter. And when I got to the center and gave my Tarzan yell, though it didn't come out exactly Johnny Weissmullerish, I was surprised by the strength and duration of the call (as well as the fact that, loud as it was, no one seems to have heard it!).

-FRIEND OF DORKY-

The next journey we did, after making sure our soul parts had at least 24 hours to settle in before bugging them, was to go inside ourselves and meet the returning soul part(s); To find out in our own words why they left, what are the gifts/talents they are bringing back, and to ask what changes we need to make in our lives to make them feel more welcome and to support this wholeness--

I met with my 16 year old self, and the first thing that occurred to me was that I didn't look as dorky as I thought I had at the time. We sat across from each other in my old high school's cafeteria sipping on root beer floats while chatting. He told me that he had left because of lack of support and being invalidated, and I think back to how little support I had back then -- I mean my physical needs had always been met, but emotionally there was not a lot of support for my true-self, so I really had become a shadow of myself as I constantly found the only way to express myself in an acceptable manner was in a self-belittling, self-invalidating way.  Okay. Understood.  

The good news was that that was over, and along with excitement and enthusiasm, he was bringing back a renewed sense of whimsy to help me not be so serious -- or to take myself so seriously.  He was bringing back Authenticity!

I asked what I had to do to make him welcome, and he said I needed to support him -- literally.  I needed to pay the bills and take care of the details of everyday life, then not worry about them.  Get them done and out of the way to leave space for me/him to play and be ourself. 

Still a buzz from our soul retrievals, I was particularly giddy and giggly with this new teenage energy, and began to get concerned that I was laughing too much and too loudly.  It didn't help matters that my friend sitting next me had had her soul part from the same time period as mine retrieved, so we were constantly breaking into 80s songs and stuff. Fortunately I was the only one who felt I was being obnoxious because everyone I talked to complimented me on my laugh and said how much they enjoyed hearing it, and how much it cheered them as well.  And it suddenly struck me that here was the validation I'd been lacking for my authentic, goof-ball self.  As Fred would say, "I'm perfect just the way I am!"

-BODY AND SOUL-

Then we learned that not only do we each have a soul, but that every part of us has a soul or spirit of its own. If someone has a body part that is damaged and needs healing, or even if something has been removed, like an arm or leg, or even a womb, the essence and vitality of that body part can be blown back into the person in the same way we learned how to blow soul parts back into someone, making them that much more whole and less susceptible to further disease and complications. 

We partnered up and did this form of soul retrieval for each other, choosing 3 or 4 physical things we needed help with.  I have had a history of challenges with my teeth, so I asked my partner for help with that.  She ended up doing an extraction -- removing some unhealthy energy -- from the area and then, as we joked afterwards, literally gave me mouth to mouth as she blew the spirit back into my teeth.  But my mouth has never felt as good as it has since then, and I find I don't have the same fears and concerns about my dental health that used to plaque me, having been replaced with a healthy confidence.

I won't mention her comments after I blew the soul of her hamstring back in...

-A DWEAM WIFIN A DWEAM-

Finally we learned one more form of soul retrieval that Sandra calls "Dream Remembering."  Basically, because when we journey in non-ordinary reality it is beyond time and space, we can specifically journey back to the point of a person's birth to find out what their original dream and intent for this lifetime was before all the physical and social conditioning began to erode that away.  Then retrieving that and blowing it into the person, we can return to them that original vision and sense of purpose for the path they were meant to walk, and in that way help them move in the direction of their dreams, which may have lay buried and forgotten.

We partnered up again and did this beautiful retrieval for each other.  Once we received what the dream was that we'd brought into this life with us, we asked for a symbol of this dream, which was then what we blew into our partner, and returning to Ordinary Reality, we drew the symbol for our partner so they could put it up somewhere in their home to remind them.  This is what my partner drew for me--

What my friend brought back for me, the dream I came into this life with, the intention and purpose with which I was born, was to help unite all faiths and teach people to see the common base at the root of all religions. Go fig! :)

-POST REVEL-

So that was the highlights of the week. There were smaller details (and a couple bigger ones I left out that may become posts in their own right) but that should give a hint of how intense and awesome the week was. It took me a while to acclimate back to Ordinary Reality and an 8 to 5 job again, but the funny, and somehow ironic, thing is that my 16 year old has steadily helped me mature since then, something that continues increasingly as I turn around and share what I've learned with the community.

Welcome home!

Caterpillar Soup

Things have been different lately. Really different.  So much so that even at Faerieworlds a couple weeks ago, the one place and time of year I feel I can be my most uninhibited true self, a friend mentioned I didn't seem like myself.  Crap! I didn't know it was that obvious...

Something has been building since at least my last birthday in October -- "at least" because it has actually been hanging around for longer than I care to remember. But October was the first time it showed its face in a unified, organized feeling-- a feeling still difficult to describe.  It's sort of a dark heaviness that threatens to burst forth from my, seemingly permanently, restricted diaphragm. It actually started with a dream that has expanded into only what I can call visions (and vague remembrances of similar visions from childhood).  The main component of all these things, that have since blended together, is seeing the earth as smaller (like from a distance?), seeing a snow covered continent -- or just a 'finger' of land -- with an accompanying fear of either falling off of or of missing the earth.  Then I find myself trudging through the snow, in the cold darkness, alone and feeling like I'm either in the wrong place and not suppose to be there, or at the very least am not happy about my presence there.  It is hard to describe or to express the tendrils of emotions all wrapped together in this and how uncomfortable, confusing, and frightening it has been.  I had kind of managed to move beyond the vision part of these feelings until recently when I started watching a TV show about ancient aliens, and the multitude of images of the earth from space drew those right back in front of my face. 

I don't think I had really, at least consciously, been suppressing these things but was more the case that I didn't know what to do with them or how to deal with them.  They simply didn't have a context.  For the most part, even up to this past month, they had abated to just the very edge of my conscious recognition -- still there, but just annoying in their presence rather than interfering with my life.

So what changed?  Well, in the past month I have taken two separate shamanic classes which have both expanded and influenced me in significant ways, not the least of which was receiving a Power Animal Retrieval in the first one -- namely Snake. Snake is BIG medicine, being all about transformation, shedding old skins to be reborn, and the fiery alchemy of changing venom (poison) into healing.  Huge!  But I intend on writing an entire entry on this asp-ect (hee-hee!) since its scope is too large on it's own to be done justice here. 

Along with these two classes that I've already attended, I am also signed up for a 5-day training in Soul Retrieval in August.  Soul Retrieval is a shamanic method of 'retrieving' parts of a person that have been separated from that person, usually in instances of trauma.  It is very powerful to have these parts of your soul reunited and reintegrated. Not only will I be learning how to do this for others, but as part of the training I will be receiving one as well.  Now, as I discovered first hand before my Reiki attunements, as soon as you sign up for something like this, as soon as you solidify that commitment, you have already begun the transformative process of whatever that program, event, or class entails.  In most instances, according to personal experience, this involves a clearing, whether emotional or physical or both, to make room for the new stuff to take hold and grow -- which usually means you get sick before you get well.

In this case it hasn't been physical sickness, but a lot of emotional shrapnel from the past, things I'd thought were dealt with and done, rising back up to be faced and cleared again, which, though ultimately in the long run serve my highest good, in the short run have a tendency toward undermining my confidence and making me feel weaker, less grounded, and vulnerable.  Emotionally ill. 

The hardest part about this process is that the best way to deal with it and help it along, is to let go -- deeper and deeper levels of surrender. The harder I fight it (and believe me I've tried!) the rougher the terrain gets.  The more I try to pretend nothing is happening, and try to be my cheerful, optimistic, gleeful self, the harder it becomes, exponentially, to maintain that facade.  Case in point -- my friend's comments at Faerieworlds.

And it is amazing, once I start to accept my state, to be present with my feelings and not try to over-ride them in order to show the world that I'm okay and 'normal,' the easier it is to be with and accept these changes.  I've been accepting that my energy levels are going to be lower than usual, my emotions are going to be all over the charts, and that I'm gong to crave more solitude and at the same time experience increased loneliness.  It has been easier, but it has not been easy! 

I have been debating whether I need to get a soul retrieval (or other shamanic healings) to ease this transition. but I journeyed on it last night, and both my Upper World teacher and my Lower World guide told me over and over (because I kept asking them over and over) that I was "right on schedule" and didn't need to do anything else.  In fact, if I got a soul retrieval, it would interfere with the timing of my path.  I asked if I really should be taking the training in August and Nathaniel, my reindeer, said, "Of course! That's why you're in this position with all this happening right now." I had to laugh too, because after the journey when I was writing this part in my notebook, I heard Nathaniel's voice say, "Duh!"

And as I closed my notebook I heard Fred's voice say, "Just be willing to be present."

I kept remembering the conversation I had with a friend, who has been a spiritual mentor to me for nigh on 20 years, right after Faerieworlds as I tried to get a handle on all of this.  She was not surprised by anything I told her.  In fact she almost seemed like she expected it, with all the shamanic work I do, etc, you have to keep shedding the layers, keep being born a new, keep letting go of everything!

I had had another dream recently of being in a great library which was made of glass. I went outside the front doors and when I looked down the street I saw the tops of the trees just swaying back and forth violently.  I dashed back inside and dove behind a shelf to avoid the flying glass resulting from the cyclone blowing right through the library.  Everything I thought I knew, that I had organized and stored and built upon, was wiped out and blown away.  Nothing I thought I knew means anything. Square one. New game. Letting go of everything.

My friend said one thing that has stuck with me.  We talked about the transformation of caterpillar to butterfly, and how the caterpillar totally breaks down before the butterfly can take form.  As I've found out recently, the carterpillar actually has antibodies that fight off the butterfly transformation, as if it were a disease. But at some point, when the caterpillars disappears into the pupa to make its change, the antibodies die off and the caterpillar literally dies as the butterfly aspects take over. The thing my friend told me is, "You're in the pupa. You know what's in the pupa?  Caterpillar soup!" 

 That's what I am right now, and the process can't be rushed because it takes time for the butterfly to form -- and I want my wings to be fully-formed, strong, and glorious!