Must Be Santa

Yesterday at work as we were listening to Christmas music on the radio (My radio day :)), they announced that there would be a moment of silence to honor those affected by the recent shootings at a Connecticut school.  When that moment came, I stopped where I was, closed my eyes and tuned in to that area to see if there were any additional psycho pomp aid I could offer the children who had been killed.  Often in such traumatic deaths there can be a great sense of disorientation, and spirits sometimes need help in crossing over to the light.  I have been doing this kind of work for around 15 years, and still was surprised by what I experienced.

At first all I saw was brilliant light and there was a sense of deep peace.  Not being guided to do anything else I just bathed in those sensations, adding my own light to what was already there.  Then suddenly something appeared in the sky and soared to the ground.  It was Santa Claus in his sleigh, reindeer and all!  The jolly old elf ushered all the delighted children into his sled, laughing and joking and ho-ho-ho-ing the entire time, and when they had all squiggled in to the now very crowded sled, he snapped the reins with an extra jolly laugh, and soared back into the sky, disappearing into the light. 

I've been working with spirits for years, as I said, to help departed souls finish their journeys, so I know their shape-shifting abilities to become anything that will be helpful and meaningful in order to aid these dear ones.  This was just so completely and sublimely perfect. Who else but Santa would come, this close to Christmas, to take a group of grade school children home?

Overwhelmed, I opened my eyes and felt the emotions rising in me. "No," I thought, "I can hold it."  A moment later I realized, "No I can't!" and literally dashed to the bathroom where I allowed the tears to well up in uncontrolled sobs.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

A Matter of Context

A couple blog posts ago (Hitting the Shower) I was mentioning the many challenges I've been facing these past few months (including a blood clot, abscessed tooth, and various financial weirdness) and what lessons and messages I was gaining from these experiences.  Not long after the occurrences of that post, I went to the monthly channeling session I've mentioned in the past where a friend of mine channels Jeshua (aka Jesus).  I've been going to these sessions for close to 20 years now, and what I've learned from Jeshua has really become my default setting in all things spiritual.  Or, since all things are spiritual, I should maybe just say "all things."  Those teachings can be expressed in the simple phrase, "There is no separation."

And so I asked Jeshua about those challenges and for his help in giving them more of a context on what was really going on.  The following is a transcript of that very enlightening conversation...

*

Jeshua: Beloved brother, how are you in this evening?

Patrick: Still pretty good (Yes, you’re very good. What would you speak of?) It’s been a tricky few months. This month’s probably been the trickiest, but a lot of financial and physical health and different things coming up and a lot of facing your own mortality type thing (Ah, yes) And bang, it was like one thing right after the other. It was like I would get one challenge, and before that one would get resolved, I would get another challenge, and then before that one got resolved…Finally, this past few weeks I had some trouble with a tooth and I had some of the worst pain I think I’ve ever had in this lifetime. It’s just these different challenges, and I was hoping to get your perspective on things, get like a better context for what’s going on and why and where it’s leading.

Jeshua: You have decreed that in this lifetime you want to know completion with physical, with physical challenges such as providing for yourself, the monetary, the dwelling place, the occupation where your heart opened, and yet sometimes the golden coins don’t accompany the open heart. But you have wanted to know how that feels. You’ve also wanted to know all of the humanness so that you can be complete with it. You are approaching that place where, as you have spoken, one comes right on top of another before one is even resolved, and that is because you want to—if you will hear me well—come to the place of surrender. And you have. You have said, “I can’t handle it. I give up.” And truly you cannot handle it of the small self, the small ego, and even of the physical. But you can handle it as you abide in the heart, as you breathe, as you affirm to yourself, “This is all in divine order, whether it looks like it or not. I am coming through this as a completion, and I am going to come out the other side of it,” and you are. So there are times that you get a glimmer of light and you see this light on the horizon and you say, “Okay, I know this too shall pass, and I’ve always been taken care of,” and you have. All of this lifetime, even when it seems like you were tumbling down the hill into muck and mire, you have raised yourself back up again. So you can take good credit from that; in other words, you can take good feeling from that and trust that always the divine Self of you is going to take care of you. Yes, you have decreed that you will know the bumps and trials and tribulations of physicality and of this reality, but you are also coming to a place of being complete with it to the place of surrender, the place of trusting the heart. You are in a very good place, because as I have said to you other times, you are the teacher. Many come to you and they want to know. They have questions and they ask of you and you deal certain ways with them that they can understand. But truly what they understand is how you face all of the problems that the world can present to you. And you are storing up many experiences that you can share with them. The master has experienced everything so that he can be at peace with it and he can then offer this peace to other ones, because “I have been there.”

Patrick: And I’ve already been experiencing that…I have a friend who recently lost her mom, and then on the heels of that she had an abscessed tooth, and she’s like “I don’t think I can handle this, I can’t handle any more,” and I’m like “No, you’re going to be fine. You’re going to come through this, because I just came through it myself.” (Exactly)

Jeshua: Every experience that you draw to yourself is in order for you to use in helping others. There is no experience that doesn’t come with its gift, and even if it feels like it is manure, it truly has a gift in it. And often very soon you will find yourself using it to help others. So when it comes, whatever challenge comes, invite it in, welcome it. Say, “Okay, I didn’t know I was inviting this, but come on in.”

Patrick: I have been able in the middle of some of it to say to myself, “You know, one day I’m going to be really grateful for this.”

Jeshua: Exactly, which doesn’t make any sense to human ego, the separated ego, but it is the truth of your being. So you’re doing very well with it.

Patrick: That’s good to hear. It’s just nice to have the validation. I had a feeling that that’s kind of where…and I’ve been…I mean, even with the shamanism, it’s like the better you get at doing your “job”, you’re just getting better at getting out of the way and trusting and letting go and surrendering (Exactly) so my whole life is kind of pointed in that direction (Yes)

Jeshua: So on the morrow and the day after, go and buy for yourself the gold stars and put a few of them up where you can see them (Okay) and know that they are your gift to yourself (I will) And then when you meet somebody else who is going through the same problems, give them a couple of gold stars (That’s a great idea) It might even be fun.

Patrick: Yeah. Well, when I do soul retrievals and stuff, I have pearls for every soul part I help someone bring back. I give them a pearl to represent that, so it’s kind of the same kind of thing (Good; it is. You are doing well) Thank you so much.

Jeshua: Thank you, because truly—and I say this to all of you—you are my voice. You are my hands. You are my eyes. You are my hugs that I can give to another one. I work through you, all of you. Whenever you feel in the heart, in love with another one, in resonance with another one and you open your mouth and you say encouraging words to them and you allow them to know the truth of their being in whatever way you can do this, truly I speak through you. There is nothing mystical, magical, wonderful, strange about what is termed channeling, because you all do it all the time. When you are in resonance with your own heart being, the love, then you speak from the Christ of yourself. And then you allow me—because there is no separation—to speak to other ones, and I thank you for that (It’s an honor) It is my honor. Thank you.

Ask And It Will Be Opened

I LOVE the Yuletide season!  The season of light and miracles.  I have a recent little miracle of my own to report...

For awhile now I have been sharing an office space with a dear friend as a place to do my shamanic work. Last month I had scheduled a 2 hour Introduction to Shamanic Journey class there one Sunday afternoon.  I arrived early to set up the room for my class.  I slipped off my shoes and, rather than tuck them into my pocket as is my habit, I tossed my keys into one of the shoes.  I sipped on a cup of tea to help me calm down and center as I bustled around setting up the altar, smudging, and drumming in the directions to prepare the space for the class.  Once done with that, the tea did what tea does, and I left to visit the bathroom.

When I came back to the office I discovered the door knob would not turn. "Crap!" I realized I'd forgotten to unlock the door from the inside so that the door had closed and locked behind me, leaving me in my stocking feet in the hallway. This was exactly the reason for my previously mentioned habit of putting the keys in my pocket! 

I was really stuck.  I had no shoes, so I couldn't walk anywhere in the misty rain, and my car keys were inside with the office keys, so I couldn't drive anywhere.  The only thing I had was my phone, which was dangerously low on power (and guess where the charger was).  I called my office mate and got her answering machine, so I left an embarrassed message of what had happened and asking for any advice on what I should do.

I walked through the building at least three times to find myself to be the only one there.  Of course I was.  It was Sunday afternoon.  Looking around I found the phone number of the building manager posted somewhere, so as a last ditch effort I tried calling him, hoping maybe he lived near by and could open it up for me.  The first time I got his answering machine, but after another walk through the building I tried again and reached the manager's wife.  That was when I found out they lived on Vashon Island which was at least one ferry ride away across Puget Sound from Seattle.

I left my info with her anyway because she wasn't sure where he was, possibly in Seattle, but when he did finally call me back, he too was on Vashon.  Okay.  Not gonna come all the way over to rescue me. 

What he did do, though, was give me the phone number of the local locksmith that he uses, who should have a master key to the building, telling me to let them know he had told me to call.  Feeling increasingly embarrassed I called the locksmith to find out, via their answering machine, that if I were to have them come out, it would be an after-hours, emergency charge.  I hung up.  Who was going to pay for that?  I wasn't sure I could afford it, and I didn't want to stick my office mate with the bill, or get her into hot water with the building manager over it. 

What was I going to do?!  I seriously could not go anywhere or do anything.  My phone was almost dead.  Still I kept repeating to myself that, if what I really believe about everything always working out and happening for a reason, then there really was a completely harmonious solution. 

In frustration I stood up from the floor where I'd been sitting, leaning against the door.  I turned around, grabbed the door knob, and saying out loud, "Just please open!" I jiggled the knob and pushed...

...and the door opened.  It was still locked, but it was open. 

I stood there dumb-founded.  It wasn't like I hadn't already tried that.  I picked my jaw up off the floor and floated slowly, like I was dreaming, into the room.  I unlocked the door from the inside and, just as a precaution, retrieved my keys out of my shoe and slid them into my pocket. 

I retreated to the comfy reclining chair in the corner of the office, still shaking my head over the whole affair, and fell asleep under the weight of stress-induced exhaustion.  It had been between an hour and an hour and a half that I'd spent in the hallway, and I was relieved and grateful that no one actually showed up to take the class.

Interestingly, the only person who had actually signed up for the class had emailed me earlier in the day to say she couldn't make it because she couldn't leave her apartment.  She had lost her keys...

Hitting the Shower

So I don't know if this is a universal thing or if it's just me, but the bathroom tends to be one of the most sacred spaces I know of, particularly the shower.  I think I do more praying and contemplation in the shower than any place else.  And recently I needed both.

I'd been experiencing a tooth-ache off and on for a few weeks and was told I needed another root canal.  At the same time I was told my dental insurance had maxed out til the beginning of the year so, with the aid of antibiotics and vicadin I hoped to make it that long.  ...not so much.  I swear the pain I experienced in the course of those weeks was the most excruciating I'd ever experienced.  At times I was only getting a couple hours of sleep a night, spending most of that awake time pacing back and forth in my apartment in tears not sure what to do or how much more I could endure.

The pain meds didn't even touch the pain, and one of the only ways I discovered to lessen the pain, or maybe just distract my nervous system to other places besides my tooth, was to take a hot shower.  I did a lot of praying during those weeks -- sometimes three or four times a night!  One such night as I stood in the shower, my forehead against the wall in defeat, my pain-wracked mouth throbbing, I had a vision. 

Just to back-track briefly, about 8 months ago during a Soul Retrieval that I received, I was reunited with a certain Spirit Guide who, I was told, was like a family member.  It turned out this mysterious 'relative' was none other than Merlin.  The Merlin.  "Oh great!  It's the 'Robin Hood thing' all over again!" I thought (...Oh!  I haven't mentioned or explained the 'Robin Hood thing' before?  Okay, but you'll just have to wait for another post. ONE tangent at a time...). I've also never been big on wizards, thinking them a bit Hollywood and cliched -- particularly in this age of Harry Potter.  In fact, back when I was getting my Reiki II attunement I got a glimpse of an old white-haired robed man who looked back at me over his shoulder, smiled and winked at me before disappearing.  I assumed it to be a guide of mine, and now realize it was most likely Merlin doing some reconnaissance, but my reaction was, "A wizard. Pff! Why'd it have to be a wizard?"

Anyway, returning to my shower scene, I saw Merlin in this glowing light and he was dancing wildly, celebrating something.  Then, rather loudly, he struck this large, Chinese gong and shouted, "You made it!"  "Made what?" I asked.  Apparently I'd crossed a threshold somewhere along the line dealing with the discovery of the blood clot in my leg, financial challenges, and now my tooth, all piggy backing on each other one right after the other before the previous one has even been resolved. 

The realization that came to me, centering mostly around the blood clot situation, was that this was an initiation.  Normally in Native cultures, to become a shaman a person had to face an illness or sickness that took them to the brink of death from where they had to decide to either die or to heal and come back in order to heal others -- this is why shaman are often referred to as "The Wounded Healers."  Well, according to Merlin, this has all been that initiatory crisis for me, facing a situation that well could have taken my life, and yet coming through it with the determination to live. Not that there weren't times I was afraid I was going to die, or, with the tooth pain, almost wished I could.  I just kept finding things I had to live for, things I wanted to do, things I had to look forward to.

And not that it's been a totally smooth ride from that point either.  The pain did go away shortly thereafter, but then it did come back again.  But even though I don't have the money for a complete root canal I did get the tooth taken care of temporarily to take away the pain until next month when I have insurance.  And I've had one or two scares with the clot in my leg, one of which recently had me back for another ultrasound, only to find out that the blood thinners have been doing their job and that the clot had shrunk to about half its original size. And things are still tight, but this was the first in a few months that I wasn't scraping together rent money. Phew!

Like most things in Nature there is no clear beginning or ending, one fading into the other like the colors of the rainbow, so the initiation continues. As long as the clot is there I have a pretty constant feeling of something hanging over my head, but I do feel a corner has been turned and am for the most part confident that a full recovery is imminent.  And the strength and compassion I have gained from all of these experiences is incredible.  So, in no way saying I'd want to do it again, I can sincerely say I am grateful for the past few months.  And I am grateful to be on this side of them!

Gratitude 101

For Thanksgiving day this year I made another list of 101 things I'm grateful for.  Then I was sooo grateful to be let out of my day-job early that I forgot to take the list home with me.  But following is a reconstructed list:

1. Oatmeal Scotchies  2. Pirate Movies  3. Alexandre Dumas  4. Joseph Campbell  5. Horse Whisperers  6. My Parents...  7. ...and My Siblings -- and the fact that we all get along so well  8. My Growing Family of Friends  9. That there are too many people in my life that I'm grateful for to name them individually here  10. Uillieann Pipes  11. Magpies  12. Fire Flies  13. Firefly  14. Reunions through Facebook with people I never thought I'd connect with again  15. Synchronicities  16. Kindred Spirits and Mateys  17. The Faery Folk who blink and flash through my apartment  18. Ewan McGregor's Voice  19. Everyday Magick and Miracles  20. Gene Roddenbury  21. The satisfying 'thunk' of a loosed arrow sinking into cardboard and straw  22. Curling  23. Tarzan, who kept my young heart wild  24. Charles Schulz  25. My Celtic Irish Heritage  26. Santa  27. Still being in the Land of the Living after the trials of the past few months  28. Campfires  29. Wood Smoke  30. The majestic silence of the woods  31. When Mount Rainier turns strawberry red in the setting sun's light  32. Jackalopes  33. Rainbows  34. Unicorns  35. Egg Nog  36. Chai  37. Egg Nog Chai  38. Hope  39. Inspiration  40. Drum Circles  41. Shamanism  42. All my teachers and guides, physical and non-physical, human and non-human  43. Faerieworlds  44. Skinny Dipping  45. Crullers  46. Bollywood Numbers  47. Story Tellers  48. Flying Reindeer  49. Herbie  50. Mr Rogers  51. All the Disney movies that instilled in me the importance of wishing on stars and knowing dreams come true  52. Whose Line Is It Anyway? (the Drew Carey version)  53. Kissing  54. Bare Feet on the Earth  55. Lao Tzu  56. Big Dogs  57. Abraham Hicks  58. The Spirit that lives in all things  59. Hurdy Gurdys  60. That there are people in the world who speak fluent Klingon...  61. ...and Who go to the trouble of translating Shakespeare and Dickens into it  62. Bruce Lee  63. Graphic Novels  64. That Love is the greatest power in the Universe  65. That Love is the only power in the Universe  66. Grandmother Moon  67. Shooting Stars  68. MY Furry Feline Children  69. Minnesota  70. Movies in the theater  71. Reiki  72. Lisa Williams  73. That no matter how afraid or freaked out I get because of what I think is going on, or what things look like, I am always safe and nothing can threaten who and what I truly am  74. Deloreans  75. Sun Dappled Forest Floors  76. Feathers and Beads  77. IDIC (Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations -- it's a Star Trek thing)  78. African Wild Dogs  79. Snuggling  80. Mucha  81. Barristas who give me a grande chai when I ordered a tall  82. Dr Suess  83. Dr Doolittle  84. Dr Quinn  85. My Awesome Naturopath  86. Weird Al  87. Brad Paisley  88. Ewan McGregor's Smile  89. Filk Songs  90. Celebrating both Christmas and Solstice  91. Pinky Promised Fiancees  92. Ecstatic Dance  93. Rituals with lots of dancing and singing and laughing  94. Quantum Physics  95. The Oxford English Dictionary  96. Romantic Comedies  97. Sarah Brightman  98. Wagner  99. Hugs  100. Puppets (especially Muppets)  101. That there are soooo many more things I'm grateful for than fit in this list!!

...And a very special Thank YOU for reading my blog! xo

All My Relations

There are many lessons coming out of my recent experiences with a potentially life-threatening situation, some of which I'd already known on a mental level, but that were really brought home by this experience.  The one, though, that has really struck the deepest is the one about the true Oneness of the Universe. 

A few months ago I posted about how I'd done a shamanic journey to meet the spirit of Zoloft (Quest For The Hol-Z Grail), and inspired by that experience I wanted to connect with the spirit of Warfarin - the blood thinner I am on to give my body the chance to reabsorb the blood clot they found in my leg.  I didn't do a full journey, but I went into a meditative state and asked to meet the aforementioned spirit.  What happened next was nothing I could have predicted.  A smokey, spiraling cloud rose up before me, reminiscent of I Dream of Jeannie, and then at the top of the pillar of smoke appeared the torso of a man.  Though they were closed, I swear I rolled my eyes, because I recognized the man in question.  It was Jeeves, the famous butler (...sorry - "Valet") from the P.G. Wodehouse books.  Part of the eye roll was because I'd just been watching the television series starring Fry and Laurie. 

This Jeeves-genie looked at me, in his ever calm and collected manner, and with a very subtle hint of a smile, said...

Here was the spirit of an artificial, human-made, medication -- something I would have fought in the past -- connecting and assuring me 'he' was here to do his best to serve me and my healing.  Now I am still prone to choose natural medicines over artificial ones, but what this reminded me -- as did the journey with Zoloft -- is that everything really is One and that the Universe will use whatever is in front of you to bring you home.  One quote I've never forgotten came from a workshop I attended years ago with the channeled being Bartholomew.  He said, "Whatever it is, it is God."  There is only One substance, One energy, One being.

This just fanned the fires of my passion for Shamanism as I realized this whole approach to life is about connecting with things -- the spirits of things -- and recognizing the Spirit That Lives In All Things.  Who is there to threaten or fight with us when there is only one of us here?  As I wrote in a song many years ago...

When we know who we are

Then we are free

And there's no such thing as 'they'

Because there is only 'we'

And it reminded me of an experience I had drawn a comic about, from a guided meditation I'd done...

Recognition of the oneness of life and the Spirit of all things, is central to shamanism.  And, though it has not hushed all my human and egoic fears and worries, I find that attitude ever more deeply rooted in the way I approach things.  As I sat there one day, allowing my leg recuperation time, I realized that my body is not the enemy.  Even the clot that, had it gone undetected could have eventually taken my life, was not an enemy.  Everything happens with a purpose and there truly is a gift in everything. 

 

And more importantly, there is Spirit in everything -- even according to Quantum Physics everything has consciousness, or perhaps more accurately is a consciousness. Everything is part of the same system, the same consciousness -- as I have heard from Jeshua for close to 20 years, "There is no separation."  With no separation, the Universe and everything in it becomes part of a dance, not a battle.  Everything is relative.  Everything is my relative.  No matter what it is, it is All My Relations!

 

Bulldozers and Bodhi Trees

Recently someone posted a photo online that really affected me.  I have been unable to find it again and don't remember who posted it (so if after my description you realize it was you, please let me know), but what it pictured, from a little distance away, was a massive bulldozer surrounded by forest, and some feet in front of it, in the middle of a swath of bared earth, a lone figure of a man standing straight and tall as if staring down the metal behemoth.  The chills that ran up my spine were almost identical to those I experienced when I first saw that famous footage of the student facing down the tanks in Beijing. 

The difference was that this was somewhere deep in the jungles. It was not being televised to countless numbers of others.  With the exception of the photographer, there was possibly no one else here to witness, support, or do anything if the bulldozer continued in its path, and therefore no extra social pressure for the driver to stop.  The world was not watching. 

Now, for just a second, with all of that in your mind, place yourself in the shoes of this man...

Can you feel the absolute courage and surrender that is necessary for him to be standing in that spot at that moment?  Of course fear is present too, but stronger is the conviction that this is worth facing death for, and the willingness to let go of everything  he loves and holds dear in this life for one single instant of truth. Nothing else exists at this moment but this moment. The future hovers tauntingly over and around him, with a fork in the river of his life staring him in the eye with a cheshire grin...  ...Okay, so I've experienced this moment...

 Beyond the politics and particulars of this specific situation, there is a mythic dimension that beckons me with the question, "What bulldozers in your life are you willing to face down?"  There is a cycle in my life where things just go along, dum-dee-dum-dee-dum, but slowly a feeling builds, an itchiness for something, and the fabric of my life, which has up to this point formed a seamless background, begins to unwind in the whiffs of illusion that it is, and I find myself at a point where, again, I must let go of the convenient smoke and mirrors of the untruths in my life and surrender to the bigger Truth of existence -- of my existence.

There comes a point when I begin to realize how many false beliefs I am holding -- how their weight drags me down and drains my strength in the heavy toll they demand for carrying them. Egoic beliefs such as how powerless, or how hopeless, or how stupid I am.  The only thing to do, then, is to set them down, and stand there, waiting for my destiny, my Truth, to make itself known -- to find me.  These are simultaneously the most vulnerable and most powerful moments of my life.  This is the shamanic death and rebirth. 

I can't help but think of the story of the Buddha. After unsuccessfully trying every possible path to enlightenment, Siddhartha finally sat beneath a Bodhi tree determined that he would not move from this place until he was either dead or enlightened.  I keep tripping over words to describe this state because it really can't be described, only experienced. But this drive toward truth, the Truth that lies beneath all being, is so familiar to me that I can resonate with the Buddha sitting beneath the Bodhi.

A few years ago I sat in the woods myself for three days and this was exactly how I felt.  There is an undeniable truth of my being --  a part of me that exists beyond time, beyond duality, indestructible and immortal.  My true being, my essence.  This was the object of my quest, to experience, embrace, and become that, and there was no one here but me and the Divine to sort it out -- to hold to the truth and let all that is false fall away.  There was my shaman friend who brought me 4oz of pomegranate juice twice a day, but she and the other three friends who were supporting me energetically were camped some distance away. And, though remote, I realized there was a possibility that I could die.  Cougar and bear sightings in this area were not uncommon. But I was in total surrender, trusting there was purpose, letting go of everything and everyone. 

Synchronistically, last night I attended the monthly gathering where a friend of mine channels Jeshua, and one of things he said was that, if you take the word "alone" apart it says "all one."  There is this subtle yet profound truth here that I have become increasingly aware of, about what it really means to be free.  And I have to admit it scares me to my depths!  At the same time I can see it is really the only path for me and behind the smokey wisps of fear is an indescribable power, and joy, and rightness of being.  To be totally free you can not hang onto anything, or perhaps a better way of saying it is you must hold everything with an open hand -- the detachment spoken of in Buddhism and other Eastern ways.  So the paradox seems to be that to become one with all, you have to be alone -- To realize oneness you must separate yourself from everything you thought or believed.  It is about Illusion and Truth, Fear and Love. 

The tricky thing to realize is that it is not a battle between two equal and opposing forces -- Good and Evil.  Mountain v.s. Mountain as a friend used to say.  The powers involved are Love and Fear, and in actuality Fear is not a power -- it is an absence of power, the absence of Love.  Even that statement is not totally accurate because Love is the only power in the Universe and there can not be an absence of it.  Fear is the Illusion of the belief in the absence of Love.  Fear is not real.  As someone who experienced years of daily anxiety attacks, I can say that the feelings of fear are very real and valid, but the beliefs those fears are based on are not real or true.

During my last big bout with Panic Attacks and Depression a few years ago, I spent a couple months recovering at my parent's home, and every single day I went for a two mile walk.  With every single step I reaffirmed the validity of my feelings and at the same time the fact (despite overwhelming evidence from my overwrought nerves and brain) that the feelings were not based on Truth.

Perhaps this is the price of being an Artist, a Visionary, a Shamanic Practioner, a Spiritual Warrior.  Not so much picking the 'right' side in a dualistic battle, but holding to the Truth -- the Truth you know and feel in your heart of heart of hearts -- no matter what countering demons, fears, and illusions rise against you, threatening your very destruction; No matter how many countless people can not see what you see.  And yet for me it is a choiceless choice.  I can not be any other way.  And I have to acknowledge to myself my own strength and tenacity, because no matter what happens in my life and how down or anxious -- to the point of nervous breakdown -- I get, or how infinitesimally small it may seem, I never lose that grain of hope, that deep, abiding and underlying sense of connection, the sacredness and oneness of All.

Love is real. Love is the only reality.

And as my favorite quote from A Course in Miracles states:

"Nothing real can be threatened.

Nothing unreal exists."

Drawn Forth

I've been realizing that this blog is intended to be "The path of a Shamanic Cartoonist" yet I write or display little of my cartooning side here, or of how the two worlds of shamanism and comics intersect and play off of each other in my life.  To that end I wanted to make it known for those that didn't know, I actually have another blog where I post my most recent comics:  http://drawingbreath-comic.blogspot.com/.

To be honest, my comics have been few and far between recently because of a focus on my Shamanic Practice, as well as other life events, but it seems the wheels of creativity are ramping up again and I am beginning to draw a lot more these days.

What I am trying to figure out is how much cross-pollination to have between the 2 blogs (not to mention my other 2 blogs, for my "normal" poetry and for my Epic Hamster Poems) with out posting every entry there in this one and vice versa, effectually negating the idea of separate blogs.

But for now, and until I figure it out, for a sample of the comics I'm working on, check out my last 2 posts from my comic blog:

Sketchy Future

Ocassionally Quarterly

Coyote Beautiful

I was going to start this with, "It's been an interesting few months," but then I started wondering, "What few months in my life aren't interesting?"  So what is the flavor of this season's dose of interesting?  It has been a season of Firsts. Besides including my first trip to a gay/lesbian bar and my first ever overdraft at the bank (these events being totally unrelated to the other),  I experienced my first ever trip to the emergency room.

Going back a few weeks earlier, I had tweaked my leg, but at the time didn't think much of it, assuming it would just get better.  And it did seem to be improving until a couple weeks later when it began to get more painful and harder to walk or stand on.  I decided it was time to pay my Naturopath a visit.  It seemed by all accounts that I may have torn a ligament in my knee, and we set out accordingly to heal it in the best way possible, and hoping I wouldn't need surgery. 

Back in the summer between 8th Grade and High School, I was diagnosed with Kyphosis, similar to Scoliosis but the curvature of the spine instead of being from side to side is front to back -- in other words I was a bit hump-backed at the top and sway-backed at the bottom of my spine.  And just in time for my debut as an insecure, dorky, high school freshman, I had to begin wearing a back-brace. 

This was not a life-threatening condition, but surgery was a real possibility.  And, still unbelievably to me when I look back in hindsight, here I was a 12 or 13 year old kid and people are constantly telling me how much back surgery hurts.  "I knew this bear of a man, and after his back surgery he cried like a baby!"  ...Not helpful.  But my point, and I do have one, is back then I went from having a back curvature of, I believe, 93 degrees to one of 54 degrees -- no surgery necessary.  It really was a miracle, especially to the Mayo Clinic doctors who were positive at the beginning that I would require some sort of surgery to correct my spine.  So, long story short, I have in the past already experienced miraculous healing and the power of prayer -- and Boy-Howdee did I pray!

So as I nursed my leg, keeping it elevated and iced, and taking some time off of work to stay off of it for awhile, I asked for reiki healing from a number of friends, and continually administered reiki myself.  I watched, a couple times, my DVDs The Secret and Loiuse L Hay's You Can Heal Your Life -- programs (I highly recommend) about how our thoughts and beliefs create the reality we experience, which always helps me refocus and remember what's really real.  And as I continued to pray and reaffirm the healing and wholeness of my leg, it continued to improve.  I knew I wouldn't need surgery. 

By the time I got to the MRI my naturopath wanted me to get, most of the swelling had already disappeared, and I was able to walk and stand longer every day, so I was expecting the results to come back and my doctor to tell me everything looked fine and was almost healed.  That's not what happened.

That same afternoon I received a voice mail from my naturopath's office saying they had already made an appointment for me, which was set only 45 minutes after I got the message, at some other clinic, though at the time I didn't understand what that clinic was for.  Vascular something or other?  At first I resisted, thinking I really shouldn't take anymore time off of work, but then it sank in that this could be serious. I went right over.

At the clinic they did an ultrasound and found a blood-clot in my leg.  Well they didn't tell me at first cuz from the moment I got there I was anxiously babbling about how nervous I was, especially after seeing all the info hanging on the office walls about clots, etc, and how dangerous they could be.  Instead the woman quietly excused herself to call my doctor to let her know what they found, and then my doctor had her put me on the phone so she could tell me personally what was going on.  They put me in a wheelchair (another first) and took me right down to the emergency room.

I was pretty freaked out and began recognizing some feeling and thought patterns left over from my panic attack days.  But despite that, and the 'second shoe' feeling of an axe hanging over my head ready to drop at any moment, at the same time it did not take me over and I was able to maintain somewhat of a perspective.  Among the thoughts like, "What will happen to my kitties if something happens to me?" and, "Crap! My apartment is a mess! What will people think when they come in to clean it up?" were such realizations as, "I'm going to be grateful for this experience some day" and, "At least this means I don't need surgery."

The ironic thing was that I was probably more at risk during the previous few weeks, the time I spent coming to a point of serenity and surrender and trusting in my wholeness and healing, than I was  while being treated in the emergency room, when my anxiety level increased exponentially.  The surrender and trust I'd so recently reached just shattered, and it's taken me a couple more weeks to let go of that buzz of fear and uncertainty. 

What finally helped me release those fears and doubts occurred about a week ago.  This particular Friday night I thought I was going to a drum circle at a local metaphysical store with a couple friends.  It's the same place that holds a weekly Native American pipe ceremony that I attend sometimes, and on the way there I was musing at how healing it would be to get to smoke the pipe. The Chanupa (peace pipe) has become a powerful vehicle for me to reconnect with Goddess, particularly in the guise of my adoptive spirit mother, White Buffalo Calf Woman who originally introduced the pipe to the native peoples.  When I got there I discovered it was actually an Autumn Equinox ceremony, which just happened to include the chanupa. YES!!!

The woman putting on the ceremony explained the Native view on this point of the year, at this point on the medicine wheel, and how we were moving from Summer, which is the domain of Shawnodese (Coyote), into Autumn, which is the domain of Mudjekeewis*(Bear).  I almost started laughing and crying at the same time.  Coyote! Of course! 

The pieces just fell into place.  Everything I'd just experienced -- Everything! -- was the handiwork of Coyote, the eternal trickster, with whom I am well aquainted. The whole facing-death-thing, and the panicky feelings, and the fear for my mortality.  It was all me, the Coyote in me, taking for real a set of thoughts and beliefs that had no truth to them -- picture Wile E Coyote running smack into one of his paintings on a cliff wall.  All the fears and anxieties were illusions, and rather than facing them and recognizing them for what they were, I let them run away with me.  But no matter what happened -- even if a clot found it's way to my brain or lungs, ending this particular incarnation -- everything was okay.  Everything would be okay.  Death is not a failure.  Nothing that happens can threaten who I truly am.  And I can still trust the Universe to unfold in perfect harmony, as well as trusting that I am always in the right place at the right time. 

And now when those thoughts and anxieties begin to raise their heads, I can just thank Coyote for visiting, remind myself these things are not true, and watch Coyote disappear over the edge of the cliff, sign in hand...

*Originally I couldn't quite make out the name she was using for bear, but it flashed me back to high school Spanish class when our teacher told us about watching Parkay commercials in Spanish -- You know, the ones arguing with the tub of margarine: "Parkay!" "Butter!" -- because it sounded like "Mantequilla!"  ..."Par-Kay-ay!"

A Fine Moose

This past season has been rougher for me than most.  Lots of shifts, and initiations, and shamanic deaths.  Just when I thought I had weathered them all and was once more regaining my strength and the confidence that I could trust the twists and turns of my path, my path twisted again. 

Just over a week ago I received news of a life-altering, and potentially life-threatening, situation.  After a minor leg injury a few weeks earlier, I had developed a blood clot (the details of which I plan on posting more about soon), but over the course of this past week conditions continued to improve considerably.  Ironically, it seems that by the time I found out I was in danger, steps had already been taken to neutralize that danger.

At the beginning of last week, after a pair of medical appointments that indicated everything moving in a positive direction, and thus feeling a bit more reassured and centered, I felt the call to journey on this experience.  So on my way home from my Naturopath, I stopped at one of my favorite parks and walked down to this semi-secret magickal spot a friend had shown me years ago, down through the trees on the bank of this burbling, crystal river. 

I reclined on some rocks overlooking the water and asked myself why I don't come here more often?  Four salmon, swimming in a diamond shape, swam up river past me, and I realized it'd been about a year since last I visited this sacred spot because the salmon were swimming then too.  I thanked the salmon folk for appearing to me, instantly recognizing their message that I too was on my way home - that I could trust my inner compass to get me there.

I leaned back a bit further and closed my eyes.  I didn't have my drum with me, so I pulled out the bottle of ibuprofen that I keep in my book bag, and began to shake it softly.  An impromptu rattle for an impromptu journey.  Soon I felt the shift when my consciousness clicks into place and begins to ride the 'wind-horse' into the other realms... 

I expected to meet Nathaniel, my reindeer guide, and though the first thing I spotted was a fuzzy nose, I soon found out it wasn't his. As has happened often in the recent past, a huge bull moose stepped into view.  Moose medicine is about self-esteem, and his constant vigil with me has been all about stepping into my power. 

 

So I asked him how that fit into this latest experience, since I felt less powerful and less safe than I had in a very long time.  Instantly he showed me the image of a newborn moose, still wet from birth and with legs so wobbly that he could not stand up on them yet.  The picture expanded and  I realized the babe's mother was lying there with him, sheltering him and licking him to clean his shiny coat.  The message sank in even as Moose voiced it in my mind, "It is when you feel at your weakest and most vulnerable that you are most cared for, nurtured, and cradled by the Universe." Ah! This was a birth, duh! 

 

Moose went on to tell me I would find my legs and embrace my power.  And despite having the power to plow a trail anywhere, I would walk nimbly and gently upon the earth, because by just standing in my power I would see my path open up before me.  There is no need to push or force my way.

I felt it was time to return to my body sitting on the rocks, so I thanked the moose and bid him farewell. I slowly opened my eyes and took a deep appreciative breath.  For a few moments I drank in the warm sunlight along with the surrounding peace of this scene, then I smiled down on the burbling water. 

"Alright.  I will stop pushing the river."

Making Tracks

I'm feeling long overdue for a blog post, which becomes a vicious circle because so much has happened since the previous post that I get emotionally bogged down with trying to figure out where to start. Do I need to fill in everything up to this point before writing about current happenings or just plow in to what is unfolding at the moment? I have so many things to write about (and I have 3 or 4 drafts of different posts started that I haven't finished yet) and the weight of all these things makes it difficult to even start.

Then this morning an image popped into my mind.  In my life, on my path, wherever I express myself, whether in my comics, or art, or poetry, or this blog, or facebook, or the stories I tell my friends and family, I leave "tracks."  Sometimes these tracks are on harder ground, and don't leave as good a trace, and other times they are on softer ground, such as my blog, where they make more of an impression and stick around longer. 

It's important for me to be where I am, so when I'm posting in my blog, I need to write about where I am in that moment, leaving tracks where I am stepping, and not 'back-tracking,' constantly going backwards to make sure everyone else knows every step I took to get to where I am.  If I do that then I never actually arrive, am never present, and am more concerned about everyone else knowing where I've been and what I've done, that I am not really garnering the lessons, the ground gained by those steps, myself.  If these lessons are not anchored in my own experience, then they are no good to anyone else. As I've heard from one of my greatest teachers, the best teachers teach from their own experiences, and there-by inspire others to live their own experiences.

Of course, in any moment I may be musing about past occurrences as pieces of the whole puzzle of which led me to be standing in my current tracks.  That's different from back-tracking.

It is a simple realization that no one other than me will ever have the complete picture of my life.  No one else will ever see all my tracks.  If it interests anyone to get a bigger picture of my life, they will have to track me over various grounds.  Even then, there is the space between the tracks, and it is that space where the magick happens, where the individual has to fill in the gaps with their own guess-work and intuition as to what propelled the next step.  In other words, I am not responsible for filling anyone in, or for explaining or justifying myself to anyone.  How freeing is that?!

My path has woven with and crossed the tracks of many others, all of which which I have benefited from, my own steps becoming stronger and more sure.  And if by walking my path and gaining the insights of every step, continuously moving forward and leaving the impression of those steps where they may fall, someone else can gain insights to discover their own direction and make their own tracks, I am simply thrilled with the honor.

So if you catch traces of my tracks in the mossy forest floor, and my path resonates with yours -- we seem to be going the same direction -- then I am honored to have your company.  Walk with me.  Let's make tracks.

A Different Class of Mythology

One of the biggest challenges in my life is consolidating all my various passions in a way that enhances them all, gives them each their fullest expression, and does not shuffle any of them off to linger on the back burner somewhere.  One of these passions which has not been explicitly voiced often, other than little bleeps now and then here in my blog, is Mythology -- in particular Personal Mythology.

It is such a passion of mine that, one day at my day job I was thinking about the mythology of my own life and path, and how it has helped my life and blessed my life with a depth that is hard to explain in words.  Then a thought occurred to me, and it just began to snow-ball. I need to teach a class to help others discover their own mythologies.  Not the mythology of long-dead, ancient cultures, but the unique mythology that forms the context within which each individual lives and breathes.  And the perfect tool to do so is one of my other passions -- Shamanism.  Suddenly I was on fire with inspiration and ideas and glimpses of this class, and I'm not really sure how I completed the rest of the day at my warehouse day-job without making tons of mistakes and errors, or walking in front of the forklift.

By using the Shamanic Journey to access information, we can go inward to meet our inner bard -- our own personal historian/story-keeper -- from whom we can learn our own stories and discover different perspectives by which to view our lives.

I was just commenting to a dear friend the other day that we live in such a wondrous time.  We have infinite stories and myths of innumerable cultures, ancient and modern, laid out before us which we can borrow, adopt, adapt, rewrite, combine, or whatever, in ways that are meaningful for and resonate with us. I love the Star Trek concept of "IDIC" -- Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.  We also have our modern mythologies (such as the aforementioned Star Trek) which are shaped by, and shape, our world and thoughts through the various 'entertainment' medias of television, movies, video games, books, comics, etc.  It is a smorgasbord of stories and, by paying attention to the ones that speak to us and that we identify with, we can learn so much about ourselves -- who we are and, perhaps more importantly, who we wish to become.  More than anything, I feel that is what any mythology is for -- giving us a model and template of where we are headed, what we want to achieve, and examples of how to (and maybe how not to -- ie Coyote/Trickster tales) achieve it.  Above all else, to me Mythology is about Hope. It is a sign post pointing us toward the truth of our being when the duality and shadows of this life cloud our vision and perspective.

So I am very excited, and very nervous, about teaching this upcoming class (Shamanic Journey into Personal Reality) because it is one of my passions.  It is something I've done my entire life, though I didn't always realize it, so, though I do have resources and references to draw on, it is almost entirely made of my own experiences, which means I have no other authority to fall back on for support, leaving me in a potentially very vulnerable state.  But being of my own experiences it is at the same time invulnerable to judgement because who can refute what I experienced or what lessons I've learned from it?  Most of all it is something I am passionate about and could, with no trouble whatsoever, talk about for hours on end, and because it is experiential the focus is on helping others aquire their own experiences rather than feeding them information -- teaching to fish rather than giving fish.

There is just too much information with too many contradictions inundating us from every possible direction from outside of us for us to handle. It is really time to clue ourselves in to the information that rises from inside us.  This increasingly seems to me to be the only way to navigate such a world. And mythology, being the language of the soul as well as the interface between us and the divine, is the road map on each of our own personal Hero's Journeys.

A Wild Thought

I'm just amazed by something that really make no sense to me. Be pre-warned that this may come off as a bit of a rant, because part of the reason it is being touched off right now is due to happenings not only in the bigger world but at my day job as well -- things that directly affect my day to day life. 

The thing is this -- Why are we so afraid of the wild?  Not just 'out there' but inside as well?  Why do we insist on trying to control things, making more and more rules and regulations, resulting in smaller and smaller boxes to try to live in?

You know there's that whole definition of insanity that is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  From my vantage point it seems that is what we continue to do, making more and more regulations, more and more restrictions, and expect things to get better despite the fact that it is in large part these deeper restrictions that are causing the very things we are trying to remedy to worsen.  The smaller and smaller the boxes, the harder and harder it is to keep things inside the box.  Haven't we tried this approach for long enough to realize it doesn't work?

All I'm saying is that I look forward to the day when we expand rather than contract when faced by challenges; The day that we trust the innate wildness of our natures and the wildness of our reality.  The same wildness and innocence resides in our hearts that lives in the wilderness of the forests and mountains.  I have never heard anyone look at woodland landscape, totally wild, random, and untended by human hands, and exclaim, "How ugly!" 

The same breath-taking beauty of  the wilderness exists in each one of us.  It is that feminine, intuitive principle that more and more people are starting to wake up and listen to; That wild and unpredictable still, small voice with in.  "Be still and know I am God." It is this that will balance and harmonize all that currently challenges us -- each person listening to their own still, small voice -- because it is that voice that connects us all.  It is that intuition that comes from the place where we are all one so that, rather than it being a cacophany of noises as everyone marches to the sound their own drum, as we each turn to that inner voice, we begin to play our individual melody which weaves together in beautiful strains and harmonies of the orchestra, because we are directed by the same source.

It will be wild ideas -- "out of the box" ideas -- that will 'save' us.

Wild huh?  Just a thought.

In Hind Sight

So, I love when little pieces of a puzzle suddenly come together in that glorious 'AHA!' moment, especially when they have to do with my personal mythology, when some little detail I hadn't noticed before creates a parcel of brand new bridges, connecting things that hadn't been before, or forging a stronger connection and deeper significance to a connection that already existed.  It truly is the little things in life that bring me such joy!  Okay.  Let me explain...

The other night I watched the movie Immortals which is about the Greek hero Theseus, the one who killed the Minotaur.  Part of the story line revolves around the 'Epirus Bow' which is this magical bow that, as one begins to draw back the bowstring, an arrow of light flickers into existence on the bow. How awesome would that be?!  Anyway, being not only an archery geek but a cartoonist as well, I've been working on a series of comic stories where my characters act out various myths and tales, from a cavalcade of cultures, that involve archery.  If the Epirus Bow were really an authentic part of Greek Mythology I wanted to know as a possible addition to my comics.

As it turns out, it was total fiction and doesn't exist outside the movie.  However, the closest thing in Greek Mythology was Hercules' Bow, which was used to end the Trojan War.  Hmmm!  That sounded promising, and, as a bit of synchronicity, I had just started re-watching the Hercules television series, starring Kevin Sorbo, again from the beginning.  So I clicked on the link for Hercules' Bow, but never quite got that far because something else captured my attention. 

As I scanned the page for his bow, my gaze fell upon descriptions of the twelve labors of Hercules (or Heracles as the Greeks called him).  After his first two labors (impossible feats he was given to atone for killing his children in a fit of madness induced by Hera) where he proved he could kill the most unbeatable foes (the Nemean Lion and the nine-headed Lernaean Hydra) Herc was given the task of capturing alive the Golden Hind, who could run faster than an arrow.

The thing about the Golden Hind, and the reason this distracted me from my original 'labor', is that she was a sacred animal of Artemis, my Matron Goddess.  I had almost forgotten about the Hind (D'oh! A deer! A female deer!) so I was eager to read about this myth. 

They had done a version of the story on the aforementioned show, and it's one of my favorite episodes, not only because of the romance and love that blooms between Hercules and the hind (who in the show could transform into a human woman) but because it is also how Hercules actor, Kevin Sorbo, met his soon to be wife, who played the hind in the show. Doesn't get much more romantic than that! :)

Bearing almost no resemblance to the modern version, the original myth, in a nutshell, has Hercules capturing the hind, then on the way back to prove his labor fulfilled, he encounters Artemis.  He begs her forgiveness, explaining his penance, and promising he will return the deer. Under those conditions She lets him return to King Eurystheus, who was the one setting these tasks for Hercules. When the deer is brought before the king, however, Hercules was informed that the hind would become part of His Majesty's menagerie.  Hercules told the king he had to come get her himself. As Eurystheus approached, Herc released the hind who in a fleet-footed flash returned to her divine Mistress.  Hercules left telling the king he just hadn't been quick enough.

I liked the tale itself, but as I read some background to the myth it got really good.  As it turns out, one of the significant oddities of the Golden Hind is her golden antlers.  This is where I do the whole 'forehead-slap-thing' and cry, "Duh!"  There is only one kind of deer in the whole world whose doe population has antlers -- REINDEER!  The Golden Hind of Artemis was probably a reindeer!

My beloved Artemis, with a magic bow of her own, not unlike the one that began this hunt, that hangs in the night sky every month, was "all of a sudden" tied to my number one power animal and helping spirit, Nathaniel -- my beloved fuzz-nose of a reindeer.

Suddenly new threads existed between elements of my personal mythology that had previously been unconnected.  And with the new threads came an elation that was probably the emotional counterpart of the new lightning-bridge neural pathways arcing through my brain.

I love this stuff!!  I thrive on bridging seemingly unrelated things and finding connections in everything.  Now to see if I can just bring Artemis within six degrees of Kevin Bacon...

The Parables of Gary Hobson

One of my all time favorite television shows is Early Edition.  If you haven't seen it, the main premise of the show is that the protagonist, Gary Hobson, suddenly begins to receive the local Chicago newpaper.  The thing is, though, that it's always the paper for the following day.  Because of this, he realizes he has the opportunity to prevent some of the terrible things that happen, because he knows exactly where and when they will happen before they become news.

My favorite episode, one that has made a huge impression on me and that I bring to mind when ever I feel overwhelmed and useless to make any real changes in the world, is one where there are two catastrophies that happen in a single day -- a plane crash that kills a lot of people, and a bicycle accident that kills a little girl.  As fate would have it, Gary can only right one of these pending disasters and must choose which one he will fix, and which one will result in death because of his decision.

My memory is not exact on the plot points, but I believe this is how it turned out --  The little girl was closer, so he focused on changing the situation that was right in front of him.  As he is standing in the hospital, where he has brought the girl, with injuries but still alive, he realizes that the time had passed to save the plane load of people.  According to his edition of the paper the plane would have already crashed by that time.

Suddenly, rushing down the hall comes a pilot -- the pilot of the plane that was suppose to have crashed.  He is the father of the little girl, and when he got the call she was in the hospital, they post-poned or cancelled the flight so he could get to the hospital to be with his daughter.  By saving the little girl, Gary had saved everyone on that previously ill-fated plane.

Thus has this episode become an important  modern-day parable in my personal mythology. I don't know what your experience of life is, and this may seem like just a big coincidence just to make a good story for TV, but my life actually does work like that. There is no such thing as coincidence, and the synchronicities that happen are sometimes breath-taking.  Every little thing we do, by following our path one step at a time, attending to what is directly in front of us, ripples outward with effects we can not even fathom.  We do not have to save the world -- "Think globaly, act locally."  Every thing is connected.  It is the web of life after all, and everytime a thread is tugged in one place, it is felt everywhere else. 

At least that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Quest For The Hol-Z Grail

Recently a fellow Shamanic Practitioner friend introduced a very intriguing proposal to me. Despite our lofty spiritual aspirations and callings, we have both had our individual struggles with Zoloft and our unsuccessful attempts at trying to get off of it. Then she read an article by a woman who did a shamanic journey to meet the heart medication she takes, to find out that "Medicine is medicine." My friend's inspiration spread to me when she told me about this, and she asked if I wanted to take my own 'Journey with Zoloft,' as she would, then we could compare notes. What an awesome idea, I thought, and then, life being what it is, a month went by before I got the chance to take that journey.

I tried not to get to down on myself for procrastinating, trying to remind myself that everything happens in its own time, and when the opportunity occurred last night, I grabbed it. It was the first meeting of of a new Community Journey Circle in Seattle and, since one of the three journeys we did was a personal journey, I jumped at the chance to do a journey to the Spirit of Zoloft...

***

As usual, as I entered the Journey, I was greeted by Nathaniel, or more correctly, Nathaniel's nose.  It has become his signature way of meeting me in the Lower World, and I can't tell you the joy that spills from my heart whenever I see that fuzzy reindeer nose almost touching my own.  I scritch the proffered softness before me in greeting, then tell Nathaniel why I'm there. "Can you please take me to the Spirit of Zoloft?"

Instantly I am on his back as he runs all out, hooves churning the snowy field beneath us. And as we zip across this white plain with the blanket of a dark, moonless night hanging above, I see rising before us this gargantuan head, all lit up and hovering over the snow.  The misshapen face looks like something out of The Yellow Submarine and it laughs maniacally through slabs of teeth, jutting out in every direction.  There is no mistaking the threatening demeanor of this mad king, but Nathaniel doesn't slow a single iota on our charge toward it, nor is there any hesitation as we plunge through the chin of the face. 

Though I can't say that I was surprised that the head turned out to be a hologram, the entire scene reminding me of when Dorothy and her companions first confronted the Wizard of Oz, I was dumbstruck by what was contained with in it.  We came to a full stop and I found myself gazing at this shaft of white light, like a pillar in front of me, which held, floating in its midst, a golden, glowing grail.  Not your run-of-the-mill, garden-variety holy grail, mind you.  This one had antlers stretching out from either side of its brim. 

As I adjusted to this sight, and the radiance of light that bathed this chamber I found myself in, I glimpsed beyond the grail a shadowy figure.  Well, perhaps 'shadowy' is not the correct term, there being such abundant light present, but details were lacking.  All I could tell of the figure was that its cloaked back was to me, and his head bore similiar antlers to those of the grail.  "Herne!" I thought, this particular incarnation of the Lord of the Forest playing a major role in my personal mythology and fed by similar images from the Robin of Sherwood television series. 

I watched the left arm of the figure slip the cloak aside slightly, as the great head turned toward me, the antlers pausing at a dapper 45 degree angle.  Then, whether the antlers just disappeared or were removed by the figure, it was a tall, dark-haired man that gained substance as he approached me.  He bowed his head and took a knee before me, then kissing my finger as though it was encompassed by a ring of royalty, expressed his honor at being allowed to serve me.

He stood, and turning toward the shaft of light, drew the glowing chalice from where it hovered in the air.  He offered it to me, and as I took the grail in my hand and gazed at the white, glistening, liquid substance it held with in it, he said, "It is the cup of life." 

"There are many avenues home, none any less Divine than any other.  This is simply the one you chose, the one you created, and it is my deepest honor to be of service to you, to support you on your path, and to allow you to focus on the fertile, virile, and creative aspects of your life."

As I heard the call-back beat on the drum and knew it was time to return from this journey, I asked one more question.  "Will I always need you?"

"Of course not," he smiled.

Paper Tigers and Invisible Fences

I've been thinking about something for the last couple days.  A while back someone was telling me that their dog had figured out that, if he gets a running start and jumps at the last minute, the invisible fence hurts for a moment, but then he's free to roam where ever he wants.  What an awesome metaphor for dealing with our fears!  I've been kind of edging up to some of my fears lately, which is why I was thinking of this, and what I keep asking myself is, "Do I want to be the person that lives on this side of the invisible fence, hemmed in by boundaries that don't really exist?  Or do I want to be the person that challenges those boundaries, maybe go through some temporary pain, then live on the other side of those boundaries where the world is expansive and I'm free to go where I want?" 

So much of the time, speaking from my own experience, we live within these invisible barriers of pain, and when we hit those barriers, and start to feel pain we back away, and thus our world remains small, unchanging, and ungrowing.  From a recent Soul Retrieval I performed, and this didn't really strike me until I heard the words coming out of my mouth, I realized that many times when I start to feel those painful fears and doubts, I find myself thinking I'm going backwards.  "What am I doing here again with these feelings?" The truth of the matter is, when I'm feeling those things, I am not regressing, but am moving forward because I am encountering the invisible fence of fears that up to this point has defined the size of my world, as well as my identity, and the dimensions of expression I have in said world.

On the rare occasion that it occurs to me that this is what's happening, I can actually shift my perspective by seeing the purpose in the discomfort and/or pain, and see it more as the heat a piece of metal must go through to become a sword.  It's literally growing pains.  If I want to live in a more expansive world, I'm going to have to go through this experience sooner or later.  If I don't do it now, I will have to do it again sometime.  So, while I'm in the neighborhood...

Along with that, another metaphor (What's a metaphor? It's just a little smaller than a metaphive.) that works for me around dealing with fears is the 'Paper Tiger.'  Here's a couple pages, from my Putar and the Preserver comic I drew, that illustrates that idea --

...there really is nothing to fear," my younger counterpart goes on to say. 

When I start to go into fear mode, if I can muster the presence of mind to be aware of what's going on, I can see whatever it is I am fearing standing in front of me, and it can look extremely ferocious and scary, but the key word is "Look."  No matter how it appears, it is only made of paper.  It is like a cardboard stand-up.  Though it appears frightening or terrifying from some angles, it is really two-dimensional and has no depth.  Knowing this I can then see myself pushing it over, hear it crash to the ground, and see the open path ahead that this fear blocked.  I can move beyond that fear to become the person who lives on the other side of that invisible fence.

"Beloved one, when you first and finally come to that realization that there is nothing to fear, there is such a feeling of peace, such a feeling of empowerment, a feeling that, “I can do all things through him who strengtheneth me.” Well, who is this “him” that strengthens you? It is yourSelf, your own—capital “S”—Self, the divinity of you that you are now beginning to take hold of and remember, the divinity of you that allows you to live the drama, the divinity of you that has been from before time began, that gives you the strength and the power to do all things." 

~Jeshua

Cut a-CORD-ingly

I've had a number of people asking me about this, so I thought I'd write a blog entry because it may be helpful to others as well.
In shamanism, as well as a number of other spiritual practices, there is something known as "Cord Cutting."  In a nutshell, we have cords of connection with everyone we are in relationship with, whether it's as family, lovers, friends, acquaintances, but usually the closer the relationship the more cords there are connecting us. 

These cords are basically where on-going energy exchanges take place, so ideally these are exchanges of love and light which empower and feed us, but of course not all of them are like that.  In some situations, extreme examples being co-dependency or abusive relationships, these connections can be where energetic tugs-of-war take place as people give up their own and/or try to take someone else's power.

It is an unfortunate situation that results in a lot of 'soul loss' in shamanic terms, and is also referred to as 'soul stealing.' The really unfortunate thing about this is, even if you could take someone else's power,  you couldn't use it or do anything with it.  We are each infinitely powerful beings with our own unique frequency, so anyone else's energy or power put on top of that just weighs you down more and blocks the expression of your own power.  This can result in what have come to be known as 'energy vampires' (those people from whom you feel drained after spending any time with them) as this snowballs in the constant (conscious or unconscious) belief in the inadequacy of one's self and power, and the need for energy from others.

The fortunate thing is that no one can take your power without your permission. No one. And one of the ways to reclaim your power is by cutting the unhealthy cords between you and someone else.  Now this may be a total ending of a relationship, or it could be just good maintenance in a healthy relationship -- cleaning up and discarding any unhealthy cords to make a healthy relationship healthier.

Now the name of this process pretty much describes what is done.  Like I said earlier, there are many versions, rituals, and practices to do this, it being pretty much a universal occurrence, but like the name suggests, it can also be a little... well, violent.  Most methods utilize seeing the cords in your mind and cutting them with a blade of one's choosing.  I do understand how this can be very empowering for someone who has been in an abusive relationship, sometimes for their entire life, but there also are so many instances I've heard of where people cut cords with someone, and within 24 hours that other person contacts the cord cutter because it is a palpable shift of energy.  Now just speaking for myself, if I feel I need to cut cords with someone, the last thing I probably want is to hear from that person right afterwards.  It seems a little counterproductive to have such a back lash, and in my view the backlash is the result of the process being done from fear, or from focusing on getting away from the other person rather than going toward your own future.  Like the saying says, "Energy flows where consciousness goes."  Focusing on where you've been, on getting away from that person, will just draw that energy back into your life, whether it's this same individual or someone else embodying that same kind of energy.  Nothing less than love, and a win-win situation will truly heal the situation, and after all, healing is the goal, right?

So, with that long-winded introduction to cord cutting, I thought I'd share the process as a very good friend shared it with me.  This is tried and true by myself and a number of others I've shared it with, and it moves toward wholeness and the healing of both parties without loose ends.  Besides people, this process can be done with other challenges such as specific fears, or addictions. It may also be repeated as necessary. So, here is my adaption of what my friend taught me:

Picture yourself sitting on the sandy floor of a cave.  As you look around you notice the very walls of the cave are filled with and pulsing with light. The cave entirely encompasses you like a bubble, holding you safe in its golden glow.  There is a small, cozy fire burning just in front of you, in the center of the cave, and there is an empty space on the other side of the flames.  Now, if you are comfortable with it, picture the other person sitting there on the sandy floor with the fire between you.  If this is too uncomfortable, place a symbol or object there to represent the person, perhaps a doll or teddy bear. Remember you are totally safe.  Ask to see the unhealthy cords that exist between you and this person, then take a moment to notice where they connect with you on your own body.  One by one, take each cord, unplug it from your body, and plug it into the wall of the cave.  Once all the cords are removed from your body and plugged into the cave wall, you may feel free to say anything appropriate to this other person, such as "Good-bye," or "Thank you for your lessons," or "I release you to your own path," or whatever.  It is also alright to say nothing at all.  Take a moment or two to bask in the glow of the cave, as well as your newly reclaimed freedom, knowing you are no longer responsible for providing the other person with energy because the light and love of the cave will provide them with everything they need. You are free.  When you feel complete with this process, and recharged and empowered in yourself, you may return to ordinary reality.  Open your eyes upon the new path of freedom that lies ahead of you filled with excitement and hope.

I now release you to your own regularly-scheduled path, already in progress. :)

Eureka!

I'm finally starting to learn that when I'm off-kilter, I'm not alone and that there are bigger forces and patterns going on.  This past week, for instance, has been pretty turbulent, but at the same time that I'm riding from the crest to the trough to the crest of the waves again, I'm noticing a lot of topsy-turviness in the lives of friends around me.  Two different friends ended relationships on the same day, and another friend found out she has to move because the government is buying her land for a levee.  Crazy life-changing stuff.

Still, whatever is going on, I need to deal with my own manifestations of this energy of change, and I have to admit to not dealing with it very gracefully.  Deep, dark things have been coming up --things left over from childhood that I thought I'd dealt with. Self-criticism and judgement  have fueled heavy feelings of worthlessness and sapped any sense of confidence. Today I found myself exhausted and totally stressed out, trying to figure out what the heck was going on.  Finally, on my lunch break, I went out to my car intending to nap, but as I dozed in and out I decided to contact the soul part of my four year old self, who had recently returned in a soul retrieval, to see how he was faring through all of this.

I found my four year old at a table drawing and coloring (If I remember correctly, this was my Kindergarten classroom).  I sat in a miniature chair next to his low table and started asking him how he was doing.  "I'm fine!" He said, too engrossed in his artwork to look up, at least until he finished his drawing of some sort of vehicle that I couldn't make out, and held the paper up horizontally with both hands, excitedly repeating, "Brum!Brum!Brum!" as he turned it back and forth like it was flying.

He returned to his crayons as I asked if he knew what was going on. He looked up at me then with this "I'm sorry, I thought you knew" kind of look on his face.  I don't recall his exact words, but he explained how these things are coming up because of his return into my life.  All the junk that had collected and had basically taken up the space left by his absence, was now being flushed to the surface by his reappearance -- like Archimedes' bath water -- to be cleared away.

I thought about this as he went back to drawing.  It made sense.  It wasn't easy and, at times, was even kind of scary, but it did make sense.  And while I pondered this further I felt a tug on my sleeve.  Young Patrick had turned away from his table and, still holding my shirt sleeve in his little hand and looking into my eyes with a total expression of earnestness, he told me, "Don't be scared.  I will protect you."