My One and Yoni

A few weeks ago I was just hanging out at 4 Sisters, the store where I do readings every other Saturday, when from halfway across the room, an egg-shaped stone caught my attention and would not let it go. I walked over and picked it up, looking into the depths of what looked like a view of space from the Hubble telescope complete with nebulas and star systems. I was enthralled because this has been my Year of Deepening; A year of rebirth and new beginnings, of expanding beyond my limitations into the unknown, to boldly go where no one has gone before. And here I was literally holding the Cosmic Egg -- the birth of the Universe was lying in the palm of my hand. 

This representation and meaning alone was enough for me to know beyond a doubt that I had to take it home, but I was also curious about what kind of stone it was.

"I won't tell you what it is until you pay for it," the owner said slyly. 

"Okay," I shrugged, handing over the money.

"It's a 'Yoni Egg.'" She said with a smirk.

Now, I know what a 'Yoni' is, but was unaware of what a 'Yoni Egg' was, so she explained that it was for women to insert into their yoni and to hold and carry it there as a way to strengthen the muscles in that area.

“You know I would have bought it anyway.”

“I know. I was teasing. You’re probably the only guy I know who would knowingly buy a yoni egg.” 

What made this extra significant to me is that I am recently and newly single, and one of the things I found myself saying was, “The only relationship for me to focus on right now is the one between me and the Universe; Me and Goddess." So here I was, not only holding the Universe in my hand, but the Yoni of the Cosmic Mother. I am a Son and Consort of the Goddess, and here She was showing up in a manner that acknowledged and validated my journey, as well as allowed me to literally embrace the Divine Feminine. There is nothing about this that is not sublime and divinely perfect.

In The Bag

I recently left a relationship and, while I'm still a little raw from the miasma of contradictory emotions accompanying that decision and not ready to delve into that part in public, an amazing synchronicity occurred around it that deserves to be told, and can be told without breaching the complexities underlying the break up itself.

I was talking to one friend recently, and as the conversation moved onto other subjects besides my former relationship, she asked if I'd ever seen this certain Spirit Animal card deck. She had seen it at Half Price Books and had thought of getting it for me. Not only had I heard of it, it was an amazing and beautiful deck I had coveted it for quite some time, actually having earlier in the month asked a friend who sells them at her coffee shop to hold a deck for me next time they come in. "Oh, I wished I'd gone ahead and bought it for you then! And I have the perfect case to put them in. It's a beautiful, hand-embroidered tarot bag that even has a unicorn on it. It so has your name on it!" A thought flickered across my mind which I quickly dismissed. It couldn't be. There's no possible way...

A little later that evening I got a message from her saying she was at Half Price, she was buying me the deck, and there was nothing I could do about it, so there! ...I love my friends!

Then a little later after that she messaged me again, this time with photos of the deck along with the tarot bag she had mentioned. ...Holy crap! There was no possible way, but there it was. I replied my undying gratitude saying that she had just given me a bigger gift than she could ever have imagined, but that I wanted to tell her about it in person.

Fortunately it didn't take long because I was teaching a class the very next night, so she met me at the store before class and handed off her gifts to me. It was surreal seeing and holding the tarot bag again.

"Do you know the woman who made this?" I asked.
She answered with a woman's name I didn't recognize and I hesitated.
"Do you know ____?" I asked.
"Oh, yes I do!"
"She's the one who made the bag."
"Oh! You know, I think you're right. I was thinking it was the other woman but come to think of it, it was her."
"I know. And you know why I know? She was my first girlfriend after my divorce and she made this specifically for me."
"This same exact bag?!"
"This same exact bag. That's why there's a unicorn on it. She made it specifically for me. I gave it back after we broke up because it was a piece of art and I felt weird about keeping it."
"Well I guess it belonged with you after all! Wow! She gave that to me over a decade ago and I couldn't figure out why she'd give me such a beautiful piece of artwork."
I shrugged with a half smile, "Now you know why."

When I had first seen the photo of the bag the day before, my head was spinning by the inconceivable synchronicities involved. At first I was embarrassed, being self conscious from having been teased about the number of relationships I’d had since divorcing my former girlfriend/wife of 18 years about 11 years ago. Was the Universe throwing it in my face to tell me to grow up and hunker down, that here was yet another relationship that didn’t work out, so obviously there was something wrong with me?

Then another thought flashed through my mind: “Full circle.” The ending of the latest relationship and the sudden resurfacing of this relic from my first relationship went beyond coincidence. Things were coming full circle, like a completion of a lesson over a decade long in the learning. To validate this thought, I looked up and in the license number of the car ahead of me was “777.” This is an ‘angel number’ which basically indicates that the angels are watching over you and giving a huge thumbs up. So it seemed I had graduated from something and the Universe was giving me physical, tangible proof of completion.

Still, the mind boggles...

Inconceivable...

A Dweam Wiffin A Dweam

I had a feeling this was going to be a good year!  Actually the things that have made this a banner year began at the end of last year, although I can possibly see the very twinkling beginnings of it way last Summer while driving down to Faerieworlds with my dear friend Sarah.  She informed me that you're suppose to make a wish when you see a hay truck.  Well, seeing as Faerieworlds happens around Lughnasadh in late-July/early-August during the first harvest of the year, hay trucks were bountiful between Seattle, Washington and Eugene, Oregon.  Whenever I spotted one my response was the same -- "Wuv! Twue Wuv!"

Life moved on and come December I had a huge revelation, and what basically amounted to a soul retrieval, when I was reconnected with a magickal childhood part of myself that had been missing.  I once more discovered, and renewed my faith in, Santa Claus, actually meeting the jolly old elf himself. That is a whole 'nother story in itself that you can read in my earlier post, Yes Virginia.  But one of the things Santa had told me during this encounter was, "It's about time we make a dream of yours come true."

Later that month I found myself in a relationship... kind of. I'd met this woman earlier, and there were definite connections and sparks between us, but we never quite seemed to connect in the right way to make anything long-term out of it.  There were logistics, as well as mismatching perspectives of what was happening, so it became this revolving on again/off again, hot then cold type thing. Eventually, I realized that this wan't working, that this was not the relationship I was looking for.  I did want something long-term, and though I know relationships take hard work and investment to thrive, the work we were putting into this non-relationship was not helping either one of us and was not moving forward.

It was then that I decided that with all the things I've read, and learned, and accomplished in the past twenty-odd some years on this particular branch of my spiritual path, that I needed to actually apply them.  Beyond being just pretty sayings to make me feel better when I was down or feeling victimized, it was time to embody all those things and really create the life I've been wanting, desiring, and craving. All the things I'd learned and all the things I've been teaching people center around creating your reality and empowering yourself.  These were not tools for just getting by, as I'd been doing for some time now, but they were the keys to fly.

So I sat myself down and asked myself, "What was it I really wanted in a relationship?"  I got clear and I felt it and I knew that not only did I deserve it, I already had it.  Then I let it go.

Come Christmas Eve and, as is my annual tradition, I left a letter along with some eggnog and cookies for Santa, next to some organic carrots for the reindeer.  This was my letter:

Dear Santa,

Thank you for stopping by.  I forgot to ask for my Delorean, but that's okay.  You can bring that next year.

This year if you can just bring me True Love, that's all I ask. =)

Thank you Santa! I love you so much!!

*

Jump ahead a couple months and I had another otherworldly encounter that I totally missed the point of, but which in hindsight was another piece of the puzzle.  I was attending this workshop on dreams, and at the beginning of the class the teacher had us all close our eyes as she set sacred space.  When I closed mine, though, try as I might to follow along with what the teacher was saying I found I couldn't because my third eye was all a-buzz and tingling.  I opened my third eye, the chakra of inner visions that rests between your outer eyes, and there in front of me was the massive head of Ganesha, the elephant-headed Hindu god.  This was not just a mere vision, however, because I could feel his forehead touching mine, third eye to third eye.  I've worked with, and had visions of Ganesha before, but nothing like this.  I had been seeing Ganesha all day, in tattoos, magazine adds, and stuff, but this was totally unexpected.

And that wasn't the end of it.  The next day I tried to take my usual lunch-time nap at work, but every time I closed my eyes, there was Ganesha.  This happened a few times and after seeing him in various dances or stances, I finally said, "Okay. You have my attention.  What do you want to tell me?"  Then just his gigantic eyeball loomed in front of my face, and he tells me, "The path is now clear for the fruition of your dreams."

At the time it sounded nice and encouraging, but I had no idea how pertinent his message really was, or how soon it would manifest.  It was within a week or two of that occurrence when the real magick started to happen.

One random day, I received this random Facebook message and friend request from this random woman.  She had just attended a workshop by one of my shamanic teachers, and she just randomly happened to be on Facebook when this teacher began 'liking' things there.  Curious as to what this well known shamanic teacher likes on Facebook, this random woman checked out some of  the 'likes' left in the wake of the teacher.  Lo and behold, one of the things she'd liked was a comic of mine:

          

First off all, this Random Woman has her own connections to White Buffalo Calf Woman. Second, she felt she had to find out who this man was who would actually post drawings of himself in his vulnerability and tears.  Following the thread (the Golden Thread ;)) she discovered this blog you are now reading.  At the time, however, the most recent post was the one about my ER visit concerning the blood clot I had in my leg (Stayin Alive).   

 So the aforementioned random message I received from this Random Woman one random day was one of compassion, that she was sending healing and was hoping I was alright. But wait! There's more! Along with her kind and caring words she sent a picture... 

Now I ask you -- How can you NOT respond to someone who sends you a picture they drew of a bunny?! Of course I did a little checking myself to see who this Random Woman was, and when I saw her photo, my first question honestly was, "How do I know this woman? Do I know this woman? I do know this woman, but how? From where?"  That prompted me to do something I hardly ever do.  I accepted her friend request without knowing anything about her. 

I replied to let her know I was doing fine and to thank her for the bunny.  Having a lot in common -- this particular teacher (whose Two-Year Teacher Training we had signed up for independently of each other), shamanism, dreams and goals -- the conversation grew, spilling quickly from Facebook to texts, to phone calls, to Skype.  With the growing conversation, so too grew our connection and feelings, yet we both were cognizant of tendencies to rush into things so we held back as best we could, attempting to not get ahead of ourselves.  I mean we hadn't even met in person yet, right? Well, as the fates would have it, she just happened to be going to another workshop of our teacher, flying to California from her New York state home, so it was a snap to divert her flight to Seattle (a place where she was already thinking of moving to be closer to her BC family).  

I won't say our meeting went off without a hitch. There were/are a few things to sort out, but it also felt totally worth sorting them out rather than letting those things be a reason to call it quits. She did seem to be authentically who she seemed to be.  And the connection was definitely there, as we took turns melting under the other one's gaze. And we both kept asking, "Is this really happening?"

The last day together during that first meeting, I showed her this --

 

--She says that's when I really captured her heart... 

So, almost three months later I still hesitate to say that she's "The One" because I've felt and said that same thing in the past with others who weren't, but by staying present and open, and communicating authentically I can see a possible day, years down the line, where I wake up one morning and say, "I guess you were The One."  Forever is an after-effect of being present in every moment.  And in the moment, I'm in love.

Two Dog Night

Recently I had a dream that has stuck with me, and it continues to unfold in my diurnal life--

I was watching a friend's house while she was away.  Of course the dream house was nothing like her 'real' house, which was evident as I walked through the gate of the white picket fence to head up the front walk to her door. Before I could reach the house, though, a boxer with its tongue hanging out came bursting out the screen door and excitedly bouncing up the path to me.  "Uh-oh! You're not suppose to be out here!" I said, greeting her with a scratch behind the ears.  "C'mon!" I said with a tilt of my head as I started back for the door, and she happily, and bouncily, followed.  Once inside I greeted the other canine denizen of the household, a very low-key basset hound, who greeted me back with a doggy smile and a wagging tail. 

After spending time on the floor scritching, scratching, and playing with these two extremes of dog-hood, I went on a walk-through of the house to make sure everything was alright.  It wasn't.  When I got to the basement, I found it totally flooded, the water apparently running down from my friend's mother's room upstairs (My friend's mom does not live with her in ordinary reality).

--There was a little more to the dream after that, but this is where my clearer memories ended. So what does it all mean?  The following is how I interpreted it...

To start with, Dog medicine is about Loyalty, representing family and relationships, as in those of my personal pack -- those I consider family whether blood-related or not.  The temperament of these two canines suggested a couple of my closest friends, one who is very bouncy and very in touch with her inner puppy, whose excitement and playfulness will not allow her to be contained in any box you may try to put her in, and the other who is quieter and more shy -- the basset actually representing the person whose house this was in the dream.

The water in the basement, aside from its obvious connotations of the emotional realms, instantly reminded me of the Tower card in the Tarot, where the water is rushing against the tower, eroding its foundation and threatening to tear it down.  However, in a reading I had by a friend in which the Tower appeared, she pointed out to me that the water that was shaking up and changing the tower was also the same water that would carry the tower down-stream to its new location -- to where it belonged. 

In the dream I take this to mean that our relationships are changing and shifting.  Indeed, there had been events that had happened prior to the dream in both friendships where I felt disappointed or let down, but which allowed me to claim back some of my own power that I'd been giving away to them.  Things had definitely shifted in a way which lessened what could be classified as areas of co-dependency, making me feel more independent and able to perceive both relationships from a different, more self-empowered perspective -- and still feel the strength of our connections.

It took a while for another significance of the dream to light on my consciousness.  As I was recounting the dream to another friend, some time after I'd had it, it suddenly occurred to me... white picket fence -- Oh my gods, it was the 'American Dream' -- True Love, happily ever after, and all that!  I also realized it was someone else's ideal -- had it been my own, it would have been a farm house or cabin surrounded by woods (with a Delorean parked out front). 

Now there has been a spectrum of emotions between my friend and I, that we've been having to sort out pretty much since the day we met, and I can't deny a certain spark existing on both our parts. But there are also reasons, spark or not, that going in specific directions would not be in anyone's best interest.  And that's what I think the picket fence symbolizes -- Sometimes as much as we may think we know what we want things to look like, just like that American Dream, it doesn't really exist and is just an illusion (and by which saying, I in no way mean to sound cynical. I'm not saying, for instance, that True Love doesn't exist -- if you know me, you know I'm one of the biggest romantics alive -- just that outdated facade of it.).  In other words, it is further validation of the shifting perspective of our connection and friendship, and that any steps in that direction would not be based in reality; would be empty without substance -- It was the importance of seeing the relationship, whatever that is, for what it is rather than projecting dreams and desires upon it.

It also reminded me of something I'd heard toward the beginning of the year in the weekly Sacred Pipe Circle I attend.  The leader of the circle was talking about manifesting what we want in our life.  She said that  when something appears, to try it on like a piece of clothing to see if it fits.  I piped up (Hee-hee! Pun intended.), asking, "If it doesn't totally fit, can we have it tailored?"  She looked back at me, intensely in the eye, and replied, "No! No tailoring! If it doesn't fit correctly, it's not yours and there's a better fitting garment coming along."

That really struck me as I thought of how many times I've settled for things that were close to what I'd wanted to manifest but needed some tweeking to really make it fit.  The thing is that they never really did -- especially in the area of romance.  And I've learned that when things come along that are close to but not completely my desired outcome, it is usually a stepping stone toward that desire.  The missing components are there to tell me that this is not the end result, while the parts that do fit let me know that I'm heading in the right direction -- kind of in the way a chef may keep sampling the meal being prepared, and adding ingredients needed as the dish nears the peak of yumminess.  It is the chance to really raise the bar and fine tune my vision, as well as to assure me that these things really do exist and I do deserve them.  I can taste them.

So I embrace both relationships for what they are, honoring and honored by the presence of these two dear souls in my life.  And I shift my vision toward dreams of farm houses, Deloreans, and that one precious soul I have yet to meet...

Heron My Soup

It had been a week of aha moments and revelations. Between a painful break-up and the death of a favorite aunt there had been a lot of transformation and change. My head and my heart have been very muzzy (one of my favorite terms which I half thought I'd made up, then discovered that John Keats used it -- "Great minds..." ;)) but, as I tend to forget while still inside such states, this is the primordial soup for growth and learning.

So during that time while I was reading Medicine Cards at a local bookstore, seeing as I had my cards out already (I never seem to think of pulling them out for myself -- go fig!) I pulled one just to see who would pop up. My old friend Heron! His message is largely about self-reflection. The only thing is that he was reversed... D'oh! In reverse Heron speaks about too much self-reflection being not such a good thing which bogs you down. One of Heron's attributes is standing tall, connected to the earth yet standing over the water (emotions). If Heron is not standing upright, he's getting mired in the muck of the pond.

And this affects me how? In the break-up I became aware, through parting words, of character traits, issues, and such, that I needed to work on. And so I whole-heartedly began examining these things, turning over every single little item to see if it were true or not, to find out what was wrong with me, and how I needed to improve. Boy, that pond water gets murky in a hurry with so much self-reflection splashing and floundering around in it!

The thing that finally occurred to me is that, yes, relationships are mirrors for us, with each individual seeing themselves reflected in the other, BUT just because someone sees something mirrored in me does not mean that that something is actually there. The clearer a mirror I become, by becoming more and more authentic, the more clearly others will see themselves in me, including and especially the stuff they don't want to see. There's a whole Zen-connection thing here about being like water and reflecting the geese flying overhead without holding on to them. It is good to look at what the other sees in me, but trust my heart as to whether it needs to be changed, or even whether it is there at all. If I am already living from my heart, being my true self, then I already know whether those things are true or not, and I know that I'm not perfect and that I'm doing my best, so that I can be gentle with myself as I change and adjust (If I choose to change), even if others aren't treating me that way.

That is not to say that I am a perfectly clear, unblemished, and undistorted mirror. Nor is it to say, "Nanny-nanny-boo-boo! I have nothing to learn from you!"

On the flip-side, just because I see something in someone else doesn't mean it's actually there. This seems to be where not judging someone else comes in because, what it looks like to me may be something totally different to the other person. Whatever it is, it is my own reflection.

Have you ever noticed that while looking at your shadow on the ground you can't tell if it's looking toward or away from you? It looks the same either way. Often, exact opposites look exactly the same! What I'm seeing in someone else could be exactly the opposite of what I think I see.

Or what I'm seeing as a whole is only a tip-of-the-iceberg that I can't or won't understand without a bigger perspective. That's a bit of a mind blower.

The other thing I realized is that the reflections are also not time-sensitive, meaning that what I'm seeing in someone else may not be a current image but actually something from the past. I find that people tend to think of things happening in a circle with the same things happening over and over again. I do that all the time -- "Holy crap! What am I doing back here again?!" Actually I've discovered that I'm on an ever rising spiral so it may feel like I'm going in a circle, or even going backwards, but every time I encounter the 'same' things coming around, I am actually seeing it from a different, higher perspective. The past is constantly being mirrored to me in order to see it and say, "Ah yes. I've been there before, and look how far I've come since then!" In this case I felt the opportunity to give a past-self of mine the patience and compassion that he didn't get when I was going through similar circumstances. I felt parts of me healing that I didn't know were there.

So there is still some pain present, and some befuddlement, over what happened, but like Heron I've been able to stand tall again with a bit more perspective and surety about my own path as I snatch up the nourishing morsels of insight that swim into my reflection on the water, and, unlike the proverbial 'dog with the bone,' I learn to recognize the difference between my self and my image.

Going Batty

It's been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon. But, although I attended college nearby, I no longer live there, so my week was not so quiet -- emotionally anyway.


I have been sorting out my feelings and the lessons of a short-lived relationship that, in many ways while it lasted, was probably the best I've been in. Its ending, however, has been one of the most difficult experiences I've known, and I am still finding my path through it as the dust finally begins to settle.


I'm also sorting out the fine line between writing my experiences here while respecting the privacy of the other person involved -- Writing my story without telling hers. We both had our individual lessons to learn, neither one good or bad, although I am very pleased that in all the support I've gotten through this, no one has tried to make me feel better by degrading her.


Anyway, until I sort these things out, I will probably hold off saying much more, although I have had a few interesting insights. While driving the other morning it suddenly sank in emotionally rather than just mentally, that it really is all about me. Everything I was feeling, the future I was facing, the challenges, the thoughts, the doubts -- all me! I really could let her go to take care of herself and get on with living my life. And to add emphasis to this revelation, I looked up just in time to see a seagull swoop up over my car, followed by two little white splotches on my windshield. This is actually considered good luck in many cultures, and Seagull representing cleaning up the environment (which I had just done by clearing my mind of a bunch of things) as well as communication (which had been a sticking point especially at the end) seemed the perfect messenger.


After that I was thinking back on this most recent death/rebirth cycle of mine, and the thought of Bat came into my mind. Bat represents shamanic death, and this current one has been a doozy, but in a flash of recognition I suddenly realized part of the significance -- Bat hangs from the ceiling of the cave... Everything to Bat is upside down... My whole world had just been turned upside down... Huh...

A Song

I had a lot I wanted to tell you

But it ended all too soon.

I never even got the chance

To lasso you the moon.

And it seems the past has blinded you,

The pain you've felt too long,

From seeing someone loves you enough

To write for you a song.

I hope one day my memory

Alights upon your mind,

Once the pain has faded,

After the fears unwind,

And it brings a smile

Because you can clearly see

How much I have loved you

And what you've meant to me.

But my love could never bind you,

So I'll have to let you go.

I just wish before you went

That I could let you know

That someone sees you there behind

The pain you've felt too long,

That truly someone loves you enough

To write for you a song.

The Ex Files

It has been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon... I recently, consciously, made the decision that I was ready to date again. After taking some time off from relationships, I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin and feel a desire to attract someone special into my life -- this time taking it slow and trying not to fly before learning to walk.




The interesting part is that, since making that decision, I have in one way or another crossed paths with all my exes. I logged onto my LiveJournal account (which I don't use anymore) and it popped me to my ex-wife's journal. I was invited to a movie night last Friday, and when I accepted the invitation, I noticed ex-girlfriend #2 was also invited (she didn't show up). I was doing research for a series of tarot drawings I'm doing for my Art Book Circle, and I stumbled across this artist that was the absolute favorite of ex-girlfriend #1. I spent 7, surprisingly enjoyable, hours with ex-girlfriend #3 on the day before Valentine's Day, relieved to think that maybe we could still be friends, only to get a text the next day that she didn't want even friendship. Saturday night, after a birthday dinner for a couple other friends, we all walked through Seattle to get to a hotel where we could sit and talk over coffee, and the hotel turned out to be the one my ex-wife stayed at her last time out here from Kentucky.




To me it seems to be a sort of clearing of the playing field and making room for someone else to make an entrance. It's been like a parade, each one showing up, sometimes multiple times, just to demonstrate to me that my time with them is complete -- that I've truly released them from my path and that my feelings toward them are pretty neutral. I wish them well, but am not emotionally invested in their path. And I'm realizing how grateful I am to each of them for their roles in helping me become who I am now, for helping me narrow in on what it is I'm looking for in a relationship, and helping me to shed a lot of old ideas and self-images that were getting in the way of my self-worth, and therefore to attracting someone who is as incredible as I am! :)



My ideas of Love and relationships have changed radically in the 4 years (1... 2... 3... yeah, 4!) since I left my marriage (and yes, all 3 girlfriends occurred in that time period --my ex-wife having been my first ever girlfriend in a relationship that spanned 18 years), and I am, probably for the first time, feeling truly ready for Love. ...Atleast as ready as is possible with an unpredictable, intangible, mystery...

X Blessing

I recently found this poem I had written a while back for one of my ex-girlfriends (still not sure how that word became plural!). Because things did not end smoothly, I wasn't able to give it to her, but at least in having written it I believe my feelings have been sent out into the universe and, I hope, have helped heal things between us on some level.

I reprint it here as a blessing to, and letting go of, all my exes, as I move forward on my own path. Thank you for the lessons and the love in whatever capacity we shared them. oxox

May your gods and guides protect you

May your journey ever go

With the blessings of the seasons

By the light of faery-glow.

May your heart resound with laughter

As it's overfilled with Love

From the fountain spring with in you

And the waxing moon above.

Through your trials and your triumphs

May your light forever sing

As you weave the splendored beauty

Of the sparkling crow-bird's wing.