The Year of Deepening

One of the advantages of being Pagan is a grace period for New Year’s resolutions. I always look forward to the new year for the chance for new beginnings, starting fresh, and making changes in the way I think or do things. Not that you can’t do any of that at any time. Every moment is technically a new beginning with infinite choices for what your next step will be. But there’s something about the turning of larger cycles that lends itself to our own mental and emotional cycles, to have specific points at specific times that support specific intentions.

And so on the Gregorian calendar, the one we use with all the months of the year, January comes around and makes me feel excited to drop old, unproductive patterns and to refocus on what’s important on my path; To regain my bearings to navigate my life. Then for about a month I have the opportunity to try things out, change my mind, tweak intentions, and solidify my focus for the year because with the arrival of February, on the Pagan Wheel of the Year, comes the Celtic celebration of Imbolc, when it is the traditional time to make dedications and set intentions for the year. To me this is when my intentions really take root, especially because these dedications are declared in a ritual that takes place in sacred space, which aligns and deepens the commitment.

For several years now I haven't done much at this time of year. There’s usually the token "Woo-hoo! Things are going to be different now!” But that sense has not been long-lived, and survival in my outer world -- rife with 'world-crumbling' challenges of home, work, transportation, relationship -- has overridden any initial burst of energy toward my intentions for deeper, spiritual growth and change. It has been a really rough few years. And as I listed the areas of said challenges, it just dawned on me that they are all survival challenges, death/rebirth challenges, root chakra challenges. I could not have honestly said this before now, but coming through those challenges has deepened my rootedness. So again, as devastating as things may have seemed at the time, and as many moments as I may have doubted that I would even physically survive these challenges, there was purpose in the chaos, and what seemed like destruction was actually the construction of deeper, stronger roots. And the deeper your roots go, the higher you can soar. And what gives me the perspective to acknowledge that is that I’ve seen the first glimpses of flight.

For a couple years now I’ve been attending my friend’s Singing Bowl Sound Baths, which have been miraculous in helping me heal and recover from a devastating narcissistic relationship of the previous year. So when I went to the New Year’s Day sound bath last month, I thought I was as recovered as I was going to get and that everything was back to normal. Psyche!! As I sat there afterwards listening to the discussion that inevitably follows, something shifted. I suddenly became aware of a part of me, a deep part of me, that I had lost track of and forgotten. I don’t even know how to describe or put into words who or what this part of me is, or how integral he is to my True Self and Identity. It was a feeling of waking up to something, in the same way you might drive for an hour then suddenly awaken to where you are as if you were driving in your sleep. It was like I'd been sleeping these past few years, driving hither and yon on automatic with no bearings, when suddenly the clouds parted, revealing my North Star. And in that instant I remembered where I was headed and who I was. In that moment I had purpose and direction. In that moment I was whole.

After the aforementioned narcissistic relationship I had taken a year off from dating to collect myself and focus on my own growth, but it suddenly became clear that it'd actually taken me the last two years just to recover from the spirit shattering damage of that experience. NOW I can begin, or continue, the journey of self exploration that was seemingly interrupted or set aside about three years ago, which was such a strong and deep part of my consciousness for so very long.

This then is my intention for the coming year -- I dedicate myself to my own soul deepening. I dedicate myself to maintaining my ship's bearings toward my truest, deepest, most authentic self. Under the umbrella of this dedication comes a renewed dedication to my cartooning and my writing. I've begun doing a daily doodle, drawing at least once a day, and by publishing this post I'm already doubling the amount of blogging I did last year. This then is the year for more deeply exploring and expressing my Authentic Self.
This then is my Year of Deepening.

Embrace Leopard, Return to Mountain

Actually the original phrase this post is named after is "Embrace Tiger, Return to Mountain."  It is the name of a set of Tai Chi moves, and there seems to be a lot of debate over the meaning of the phrase.  The one that resonates with me, though, is one where the "Embrace Tiger" part refers to the claiming of one's power -- gathering and owning of every bit of your power no matter how wild, scattered, misunderstood, light, or shadow.  In other words it is integration. In Chinese Mythology the gods are shown riding tigers, but for a mortal to do so shows a willingness to face difficult powers, situations, and challenges.  In fact part of Embracing Tiger means you are facing the tiger.  Tigers will generally not attack from the front, but prefer to sneak up behind their prey.  For this reason many people in tiger territory wear masks on the back of their heads to keep tigers from attacking from the rear. So to Embrace Tiger you have to turn around to face whatever it is that is hunting you, your personal demons, and embrace, accept, love them.  Once you have done so you can "Return to Mountain." Return to stillness, source, home. 

Embracing one's own power and returning home.  I can not tell you how appropriate this is in representing where I am on my path right now.  

So in my version, how did Tiger shift into Leopard?  A few weeks ago, in the weekly "Totem Tuesday" post on my Perching Wolf Studios Facebook page, I covered Snow Leopard.  I have worked with Snow Leopard for years so already have a close relationship with him, but in the process of looking deeper into his medicine, I read some things that resonated with me, particularly something that spoke of  "the two-legged beside whom Snow Leopard walks." Holy crap that's me!  I realized I had the perfect guide to the higher realms as I set out on an inner journey of self-discovery.  

It's interesting that one aspect of Snow Leopard's medicine is about integration, as above, and always returning to the light.  Another interesting thing I discovered when researching the original phrase is that there are some who claim the translation of the aforementioned phrase from Chinese is Leopard rather than Embrace.  And there is Indian folklore of a big cat that is a cross between Leopard and Tiger that they call a 'Dogla.'  But that's another tangent which may or may not play into this journey of mine... 

So, fully cognizant of the beginning of a new Hero's Journey, I officially asked Snow Leopard to be my guide.  As I've noticed with other journey's beginnings, though I am filled with wonder and excitement about what I will uncover and find, there is also a certain amount of resistance, and downright dread that undermines the excitement.  These past couple weeks, rather than an increase in power I have felt doubtful, self-judgmental, and scared, asking myself if I'm sure I'm not crazy.  Rather than clarity, my head has been filled with a tired fuzziness.  It's been all I can do sometimes to just get out of bed in the morning and get to my day job.   

The other night I went to sleep on my couch, as I sometimes do when I'm feeling lost and/or lonely. Being able to snuggle into two soft, cushy surfaces makes me feel more secure, like being held.  As I was falling asleep, I asked Nathaniel to come watch over me while I slept. He was there instantly, and I actually shed a few tears in relief. I nuzzled in to the back of the couch which had become his side, the pillow was his shoulder, and then I felt him arch his neck around so his head rested, in turn, on my side. 

I slept exceptionally well, my habitual defenses retracted and relaxed knowing someone else was on guard. And so it wasn't until I began to rouse toward morning that awareness dawned on me of the presence of another guardian who had slipped between the veils of the night to join my stalwart, ungulate companion on watch. 

I felt and saw the cat though my back was toward where he lounged, casually licking the pads of an enormous paw. He stopped and looked up, realizing I'd sensed him, then pausing just long enough to cast a penetrating stare, he returned to cleaning his pads. The strange thing is that it was like he couldn't settle on which big cat he wanted to be. Oh, the majority of his time was spent as a snow leopard, but every so often the features of a white tiger superimposed themselves briefly over the snowy face.  

When I fully awoke I realized Snow Leopard had answered my request, though I'm still looking forward to finding out more about the Leopard/Tiger connection.  And it was this experience that spurred on the research into this post's title phrase.  Since that night I have been aware of Snow Leopard following me around my day job, not so much hearing as feeling his huge paws plodding on the concrete warehouse floor behind me, kind of like feeling the boom of a canon. 

At the beginning of this year I declared it my personal Year of Blazing Trails, and I have noticed when I make such declarations that it is generally not until the Autumn of that year that I start to notice the effects. So here I am in the tenth month of the year setting out to blaze trails, to explore, and to discover my undiscovered countries.