As If!

So I've been thinking about some things lately, as I am wont to do, and somewhere along the line a new idea popped into my head. Well, okay, maybe new for me. I think it was while talking to a friend about our lives and what we needed to do and who we wanted to be, and it suddenly just struck me (don't worry, it didn't leave a mark) that really, what I needed to do, was to act "as if." As if all the things that I believe to be true were true!

How radical, and totally simple, is that? I mean I believe something. That something is either true or it isn't. How will I know unless I live as if it were true? What good is it if it's not true? Worse case scenario, all this crap I've been living and learning for so many years is a bunch of hooey, I spend some time in deep disillusionment (a long time probably), and then I get on with the quest for what the Truth actually is. That is something that is hard-wired into me -- Truth seeker that I am.

Or I keep living my life as if my beliefs were true, and, you know, even if they're not true according to the rest of the world, I'm still living in a world where Love is the parameters and the substance of life, and my beliefs would create that world. It would have a reality of it's own even if it were only in my own perspectives. And I would rather live in that world, if the only other choice is the dualistic dog-eat-dog world so many believe in. Wayne Dyer says "You'll see it if you believe it." Even if others can't see it, because of my beliefs I would see and it would be true.

The third alternative is that I live as if my beliefs are true, living as if I am my own authority, as if we are all connected, as if I really do have the spark of Divinity in me, as if there is a higher power that provides for all my needs, as if I am taken care of every step of the way and that everything does happen for a reason and for the highest good, as if I can trust the intuitive promptings and feelings within me, as if I do manifest what I want to experience, as if life is meant to be a dance of happiness and joy, as if people are basically good, as if Love is the guiding light as well as the material from which all things are created.

It means some scary, uncomfortable, and lonely things -- at least at first. It means not buying into the drama of the world. It means bucking the system -- not out of rebellion (that would again be part of the dualistic drama) but rather out of following my own path which, invariably will lead inside and outside acceptable boundaries. It is alright as long as I am following my own guidance, my own compass, my own connection to the divine -- Moving toward something rather than away from something. Moving toward the Truth of my being.

It just feels for me it is time to narrow the gap between who I believe I am and who I really am, bringing my beliefs out of the realm of the mind and grounding them solidly into my heart, my body, and my life. Living them rather than paying them lip service. Validating them rather than living like the world of drama were the true reality.

Pff! As if!

Otters, and Badgers, and Possums, Oh My!

Yesterday was my second psychic fair and, in some ways, it went better than the first. Not that money is the main factor, but it is a good measurement and, if you figure it by the hour, I made over twice the hourly wage I make at my day job. I am so grateful for this experience! I mean, to me it was literally "money for nothin'." I didn't do anything but clear my mind, step out of the way, and speak what flowed through me. I left, again feeling high on the energy of the day, actually feeling more invigorated than when I got there in the morning. "This!" I thought, "This is what it's suppose to feel like after your work day!"

It wasn't until I got home and was able to ground myself and process the day, that I felt the impact of something else that had happened that morning. And the way it affected me caught me totally by surprise.

There was a man there that showed up early in the day, whom I had met through mutual friends and seen at various events, and while I sat at my table he started talking to me. At first it was cordial and nothing out of the ordinary. Just general small talk on metaphysical topics. At some point he reached for my cards saying, "You don't mind if I look at these do you?" It felt a bit odd, a little presumptuous, but I didn't mind. When I do a reading I shuffle the cards first and then hand them to my client to shuffle, so it wasn't a territorial thing for me. But as he continued to speak, and leaf through my deck, I started feeling increasingly uncomfortable. I became a bit anxious, and self-conscious, and tense. I figured it was just me and I started judging myself for not being able to feel comfortable around everyone. You know -- the whole love thy neighbor thing. If I were really enlightened, wouldn't I be able to handle being around anyone and everyone?

Well, as it turns out, it wasn't just me. He started telling me things about myself, things that were not totally correct but colored by his own perspective and the circumstances. He told me I was good at hiding myself and that I wasn't who I pretended to be. That deep down I was actually very vicious, and viciously protective of myself. Me?! The thing is that, as he was spouting off about how unethical it is to 'read' somebody without permission (meaning purposely tuning in to their energy to learn things about them, etc --which is what a psychic or card reader does, with your permission, during a reading) he was reading me. I suddenly realized why I had been so uncomfortable and why my defenses were raised, but because I was unsure of myself -- not trusting these feelings -- I turned them against me. Lesson one: trust those feelings.

The next thing he did was lay down three cards (Otter, Badger, and Opossum), saying they were the only three that called to him about me as he was looking through my deck, and then proceeded to interpret them for me, again striking way off the mark. His main point was that each of these animals was vicious, even the otter when it's cornered -- and I ask what animal isn't?! Ignoring for the moment the total invasiveness, and disregard for any sense of ethics or integrity, his message itself was very narrow-minded, short-sighted, and an example of the 'Old Male', power-over, adversarial perspective of separation and duality.

Okay. And then there is the matter of invasively probing someone, digging for things, as well as the power thing -- it was like he was trying to prove himself, stepping, worthy or not, into the role of master/teacher and posturing himself into the Alpha Male position. I, for my part, on some level allowed this by, consciously or not, bowing to the fact that he'd been doing this kind of thing longer than me so "obviously" had greater experience and knowledge than me. Lesson two: No one is greater than me. I am equal to every one, no matter what their knowledge or experience, whether it be 'greater' or 'lesser' than my own.

Last night when all this came to the forefront of my mind and I saw what had happened, the emotional impact hit me full bore. I felt sick to my stomach. My throat was sore. My heart chakra was in pain. I felt used and invaded. As I sent an email to my Psychic Development teacher for support and advice on how to deal with and heal this, the tears were just rolling down my cheeks. The only word that fit my feelings was that I had been raped. That might sound a bit strong, but that's how I felt. And then I remembered something I had read years ago in the book Proud Spirit by Rosemary Altea:

"Ordinarily, when the word "rape" is mentioned, we automatically think of physical rape -- the rape of a child, the rape of a woman, which is a most terrifying and damaging experience, and which cannot be compared to any other act, for in this act there occurs a terrible violation not only of the body, but of the mind and spirit also. But the raping of the mind, which occurs frequently with so many of us, is not to be ignored or made less of for the lack of physical abuse. And the perpetrators of this act, not violent criminals but often ordinary and generally nice people, would no doubt throw up their hands in horror at the very idea that they could be termed rapists.

"But rapists they are, for any act which is designed to rob someone of self-worth, self-esteem, and confidence is an act of rape. And in this type of rape there are many willing victims -- people who already have little self-esteem, who do not value themselves, who feel that they deserve no better."

Lesson three: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever do this to anyone else!

What were his intentions? I don't know for sure. The only thing I know is how I feel. Everything I wrote here is how I perceived things -- not necessarily the intentions behind them, a judgement on this man, or the bigger picture. And I know what a good lesson this was -- yes, a gift. I now have first-hand experience as to how this feels, enabling me to be more compassionate with people in the future who have similar backgrounds. I also have the memory of this experience logged into my system so, should it ever happen again, and if I'm going to continue working psychic fairs it probably will, I will recognize the feelings before it even gets started and be able to stop the process.

There are no accidents, so I have to believe this happened for my higher good, and that I can only grow from it, and become stronger. I am not a victim. And it brings into bright focus the need for personal integrity in a field that has been rife with charlatans -- a field, in my eyes, whose main purpose is to empower each and every individual. If, as I believe, we are all truly One, then each step anyone takes toward their own fulfillment and true self can only benefit and raise the whole.

...And the cards he pulled?

Otter is about femininity, the strength of softness, rolling with the flow, sensuality, and unification. She is playfulness and joy. I know of no other animal that better fits the phrase "Be like water."

Badger is aggressiveness, yes, but in a grounded, focused, going-after-what-you-want sort of way. Cutting through the distractions to get to the heart of the matter.

Opossum is about acting, playing dead if necessary -- that this is a viable defense, in fact the "defenseless defense." To me she also brings into play the whole concept of "being in the world but not of it." Seeing beyond the drama, perhaps playing along for a bit, but seeing the bigger picture and knowing that it is just drama and not the ultimate reality.

And I think these three, very nicely, describe exactly what has just transpired over the course of this blog. I love these little synchronicities!

Deja Two

You know that feeling of deja vu you get when something strikes you as totally familiar yet there should be no way you've been there or experienced it before? In the past week I've had two such incidents, totally unrelated other than that this type of thing is happening in my life with more and more frequency.

The first happened last week when I finally was able to return to archery practice with my local SCA group after a long absence. I had been sooooo itchy to get back out on the range again, that in the past few weeks I have found myself actually, spontaneously going into an archer's stance like I was drawing a bow. I also had been promising to take my best friend with me and was able to finally carry through on that promise, which is where the deja vu thing comes in. My friend hadn't shot for about 20 years, and that had only been for a week or so, but as she stepped onto the line, nocked an arrow, and drew back the string with perfect and noble grace, it was obvious that this was not a foreign experience for her. And it was so unbelievably familiar to me to see her that way.

But wait! There's more! The sense of familiarity only deepened as I approached the line. She is left-handed and so, me being right-handed, I naturally stepped up behind her, so my back was to hers. I raised my bow and took aim, but as I saw her drawn bow out of the corner of my eye, I had to lower mine again. "Holy crap this is familiar! We've been here before." "Fighting back to back you mean?" "Yeah!" "I know, huh!"

Wow! Still blows me away.

The second flahback occurrence happened last night as I was watching Avatar. I mentioned in an earlier post how this movie had elicited multiple feelings in me that were closer to being memories than being fiction. Well, I was excitedly watching my very own, newly purchased copy, and was at the point where the Nav'i climb up to the place in the floating mountains where they first become bonded with the mountain banshees. As they approach the mouth of the cave where they will emerge to perform this rite of passage, my mouth dropped open. I had been there, or in a very similar place. The view outside the cave was almost exactly as I remember it from a vision I had years ago.

It was one weekend when I was still married. Saturdays had become a time when I could sit at the kitchen table and draw comics to my heart's content, and as I would do so, my ex would sometimes read to me. This particular Saturday she was reading from one of Anne McCaffrey's Dragon Rider's of Pern books. I don't remember the scene she was reading about, or what was happening in the book, but at a certain point I momentarily flashed to somewhere else.

I was humanoid, I was pretty sure, as I sat at the lip of a large cave and let my legs dangle over the edge. I turned to my left and there, lying or sitting beside me was a dragon -- my dragon! I just spontaneously, and without thinking, reached out my hand and stroked its neck. I still have the tactile memory of that experience. It really wasn't scaley at all, but more like the soft suppleness of human skin -- perhaps a bit denser and thicker, but definitely a softness that was pleasing to the touch. It lasted but a split second, but had the impact to still be etched in my memory all these years later.

So it was interesting to have two such occurrences happen in a single week. Things in my life, are definitely exhilarating. And now that I've broken you in with my dragon experience, and assuming you're still reading and not convinced I'm totally off my nut, perhaps soon I will write about my experiences with Unicorn...

The Benefits of Woo-Hooity

Not that this is a huge, earth-shattering, reality-shifting revelation or anything (and the more I learn, the more I discover that the truest things are the subtle, obvious, convenient ones --without huge fireworks or light shows) but I have begun to see the effects of "woo-hooity" in my everyday life.

Woo-hooity, believe it or not, happens mostly at my day-job, and actually that's where it can do the most good. "What is 'woo-hooity?'" I hear you asking yourself. Well let me tell you...

I am sitting at my desk, a pile of orders in front of me needing to be pulled as well as a number of odd tasks I've been asked to do from various people seeing as I've been there for 10 years and know the most about what's going on, and my supervisor walks up and gives me a 4 page will call order to pull, saying the customer will be here in 5 minutes. What is my reaction? "Woo-hoo!"

At first it was a joke, whenever something new was given to me, particularly the more daunting jobs, I would let out with a "Woo-hoo!" and everyone would kind of laugh and we'd go about our business. As I continued, though, I started realizing that this odd little thing was actually raising my energy as well as putting things into perspective. I'm only here for 8 hours, and it doesn't matter what I do in those 8 hours. Though I strive to do my best at whatever I'm assigned, I keep myself detached from the outcome. If they have me thread 500 parts together, and then ask my to unthread those same 500 parts, what does it matter? What happens with those 500 parts has no bearing on my well-being. I am not what I do.

It's kind of like the little 'woo-hoo' at the beginning of any task helps put me in that frame of mind, that it's just something to do and when my 8 hours are up, I go home. And I am finding it makes me feel a heck of a lot better than when my stomach sinks each time another job gets laid on top my stack.

My supervisor has even come to expect it, and when he hands me a new order to pull, if I don't woo-hoo, he's rather disappointed. The thing is, though, that the other day he realized I was woo-hooing every thing, and told me the woo-hoos weren't as significant because there was no distinction between what I was woo-hooing -- big, small, difficult or easy. ...Exactly!!

Woo-hoo!!!

Fire in the Mountain, Fire in the Heart

A few months ago, in the monthly shaman circle I attend, as we were celebrating emerging from the darkness of Winter into the budding light of Spring, we each journeyed and then, like travelers meeting around a campfire, we each shared our stories, in J.R.R. Tolkien epic style. Looking back in my Journey Journal, I realized I hadn't had enough time to write my saga down and so thought I would share it here -- at least what I can remember of it.

The interesting thing to me is that this journey incorporated many elements from the personal mythology that I've been creating for myself over many, many years. And so this is how I remember telling it...

I awoke, not upon the Earth where I had lain down but on the feathered back of a great bird whose wings stretched out, seemingly without end, to either side of me. As my brain quickly came to its full senses I knew the bird that carried me to be a pelican -- my guide of the crossroads. Above the clouds we flew until a mountain loomed before us, and before I even had time to cry out in alarm, my host, narrowly missing the lip of what I took to be a volcano, zipped up and without pause dove over the edge of the crater. Only where there should have been a crater, there was an immense tree with multi-colored faery lights dancing amongst her great spreading branches. Down, down along the massive trunk we dove to the very heart of the mountain, my feathery steed shrinking until reaching the bottom of the tree and her normal size. Relieved, I stood on solid ground again and looking around realized this was no volcano, but a mountain of pure ice.

Transfixed by the size of the tree growing from the mountain's middle, and the dazzling lights weaving through her branches, it only occurred to me later that the base of the tree was actually enveloped in flame. "Wait!" I cried to the pelican, casually preening its feathers, "Isn't it dangerous to have a fire in the middle of an ice mountain?! The whole thing could melt and collapse on top of us!"

"Fear not," laughed the pelican, "It is the awakening flame that has allowed space in this mountain," then reaching out a wing and touching my chest, "in this heart, for the tree to grow. This mountain is the result of layers of frozen emotions built up over the years as a protection for your heart, and now that the flame has arisen once more, it is the run-off of the mountain that feeds this tree, as its protection is no longer necessary."

Curiously I examined the fire more closely, observing that it burned without consuming the tree. "There is a legend among the natives that at the heart of this mountain lives a phoenix," offered my feathered tour guide. Looking around I replied, "Where? I don't see..." "You are the phoenix," said the pelican. And with a smile and a shove she pushed me into the flames.

My alarm lasted but a moment when I realized that I too was unharmed by the fire. A strange sense overcame me and with a grin I spread my arms, my wings, and with a guttural cry of glee I flew, spiraling up around the great tree, out the top of the mountain, and laughing landed at its base.

Again my pelican companion was standing next to me, as the flames died away from my body, all that is except for those burning in my heart. As I turned and faced the mountain, despite the thickness of the ice, I could still see the flame burning deep inside, at the base of the tree.

"And so you see, the fire in the mountain is the same as the fire in your heart, and it is this that allows you to see through the walls and barriers into others' hearts as well."

Mary Meet

Recently a dear friend told me that a friend of hers had channeled Mother Mary for her. Now I had heard my friend mention this woman occasionally, and every time she did I got this strong feeling I needed to meet her. I never acted on that feeling up to this point, but suddenly I had a glimpse of why we needed to connect. And so this past weekend we got together, and she channeled Mother Mary for me -- almost like automatic writing, but with her typing on her laptop while I read along and asked my questions. It seemed very synchronistic with my recent "automatic texting" message I channeled for a friend.


It was very enlightening, particularly in that there were many things in the body of the channeling that really hit home, even though we didn't really talk about much until afterwards. For quite a long time afterwards. It was nice to make a new friend with so much in common, and be able to share experiences and knowledge.


Some of the material is a bit personal for the moment, but I thought I would share what I can --



It is I, Dear Ones, Mother Mary come as requested to answer what you would ask of me. It is lovely to see two souls united in this quest for knowing, for oneness, on this beautiful day. What is it that you would ask of me this day?



After my soul retrieval you told me that I was on the path of the angels. I would like some clarity on what you meant by that.



I meant that I see you as one with yourself in a way that you never have been before. That there is less space between who you are and who you allow yourself to be. This is as it should be, and yet it is never an easy thing to accomplish while one is in body. It is this to which I pointed when I made that remark. We see you as one who shines his light into corners where there is little light, in hopes that what he finds there will make others lighter, will make his own way lighter. And in fact we see that you have lightened your own load considerably in setting down so many things that you no longer carry. Do this sufficiently answer your inquiry?



Yes, thank you. ...Is there anything else you would like me to know or would like to tell me?



We see you as a great light in your community. Some would even say elder, though you may not be ready to hear this term. Soon, the younger ones will begin coming to you in greater numbers, for they are lost to some degree and will benefit from your guidance, from your seeing, from your centeredness. It is your role with these to see first, reflect next (mirror), and then to guide. They will amaze you in the leaps they will next make, for you would not have seen it in your conscious self. But they are on their way to you now, as the world is not at the level they had imagined it would be at when they made their life plans. So they will need to know how to weather the storms that are currently taking place. We are certain you will be able to help them. We know that you worry much about whether this will support you. We remind you and send you back to seeing it all flowing in beautiful harmony, see the web and your place in it, and remember always, you are dearly loved. We are the energies of Mother Mary, in beautiful pageantry across many lifetimes. You, too, are a canvas of colors and energies – know that all you need is in this creation, and all is well, now and always. We wish you much love, and many adventures, upon your unfolding path, and so it is.



Thank you.

I'm Golden

When I first started this blog I mentioned that somewhere a long the line I would explain the significance of "The Golden Thread", what it is and what it means to me. I still plan on doing that, explaining how it came about and evolved into a central element of my personal mythology, but for the time being I wanted to share something I found in my email inbox this morning that pretty much simply, beautifully, and elegantly describes exactly what it is:



Oakbridge University - Jeshua OnlineMessage of the Day:

"Each one of you is a most wonderful thread in the tapestry of life. If you were not here doing your part, if you were not here being the thread that you are, there would be a part missing. The color that you are is as contrast to another color next to it, and that contrast would not be there, and the tapestry would be not quite as bright or as beautiful. You are important even just by being."


...I'm golden.




NOTE: If anyone is interested in receiving the Jeshua Online Message of the Day from Oakbridge Universtiy you can check out their website at http://www.oakbridge.org/

Pushing The River, Grasping Water

Taoism is called "The Watercourse Way," and fittingly a lot of Taoist imagery is water related. It's all about going with the flow, being like water. Likewise, some of the principles of how 'not to be' are also water related. "Pushing the River" refers to trying to make things happen, contriving to make things work out a certain way, or trying to get ahead of yourself and arrive somewhere before it's time or before you're ready, when in actuality the river is flowing just fine, and the way it's suppose to. Life has a flow that can be trusted. You are always in the right place at the right time.








The other principle more pertinent and something I've been thinking about recently, is the idea of "Grasping Water" -- basically that you can't. If you try to grasp water, snatch it in your fist, you will find yourself empty-handed. The only way to hold water is to open your hands and allow it to fill that space. You have to be in a state of reception, openness.








The reason I was thinking about this is that it relates to prayers, something I've had a lot of lately. The thing that a lot of people don't think about, though, is the full cycle of prayer. Praying, asking, is only part of the process. You also have to be alert and ready to receive the answer to the prayer.








For instance, a few years back Bianca, my pick-up truck, was totalled. She was only my second vehicle ever, and she was a gift from my parents, having been a work truck for my dad's electrical contractor business. So I had never had to buy a vehicle on my own before and it freaked me out! So I prayed and prayed and asked my girlfriend of the time for help. She had me considering getting a Subaru because her family had done very well with them, so one Saturday we headed down to go to some car lots, making the Subaru dealer our first stop. The sales rep was really nice, not pushy, and was kind of a hoot as he took us around the lot to show us stuff in my price range (fortunately I'd gotten a good settlement from the accident). As we walked along I spied a car that didn't seem to fit with the others. Apparently it was a recent trade-in. Something in me dinged, and I made a bee-line for it. I swear when I sat in it the whole interior suddenly lit up and the angels began to sing. I got such a rush of energy!








Just to make sure, though, we continued to look, but my mind kept returning to the little green CRV and the feeling I got when I sat in her. Long story short, she was the first (and really the only) car I looked at that day, and she was the one I drove home. When the sales rep drove it up to the door for me after the ceremonial last look over by the mechanics, he opened the door and, very loudly, "Here Comes The Sun" was playing on the radio.








Now my folks weren't too pleased about my choice, preferring I had gotten another pick-up, but, as I explained to my mom -- when you pray for something you have to accept and receive it when you find it. Those feelings I had in the driver seat of Cassiopeia, my green CRV, were undeniable. This was my car.











And I encountered similar circumstances when Cassie got totalled and I bought Suzaku, my current red CRV (for a while it was like everytime I began a new relationship, my old car would be totalled and I'd have to get a new one).

comic I drew at beginning of my last relationship. Fortunately my car survived this one.

As I said, I have a number of other prayers out there at the moment, and the strange thing is that they seem to be getting answered, but in slow motion. The one in particular, that I won't spell out in order to maintain the sacred space within which it is manifesting, is appearing to fall perfectly into line with my request. Yet it is such a situation that I can not just reach out and grab it in order to make it real. It's kind of like a plant that must mature before you can harvest it. Believe me, I've wanted to grab for it, grasp for it, hurry the river along to get it to completion, but fortunately had the brakes, ever so slightly, applied to me before I chased it away by my needy, greedy, grasping. I've discovered I need to open my hands in order to catch it, to allow it to flow into and through my life. It's a process, not an object or a single event.

Maybe next time I'll pray for a Delorean...

Doe, A Deer

A long time ago, not long after I moved out to Seattle in the early 90s, I had an interesting lesson that has stuck with me. And I'm finding it still pertains today.



As I remember it, I had been having a stomach ache for a long time, acouple days I think. On my lunch break I went to the local park that had become a sacred space for me, and I sat among the trees and prepared to call on Panther medicine to help me battle whatever was causing my pain. Panther carries the energy of personal power which I was going to assert, through his intercession , against whatever was keeping me from feeling my power. Fire against fire. Claw against claw. Fang against fang. I would show this unwanted energy who was the boss!


I never quite got that far because, when I closed my eyes a vision came to me. A person wrapped up in a Native American blanket, only where the human head should be, emerged the neck and head of a fawn. Deer whose medicine is gentleness. And as I paused The doe's head faded out to be replaced by that of an elderly Native woman, head bowed, eyes closed, half smile on her lips.


The message I gathered was that I was safely wrapped in the blanket of the Universe. There was no need to fight, but rather gentleness would be the better route. I stopped fighting and surrendered. My stomach ache was gone by that evening.


That was a lesson I've never forgotten. Thank you Grandmother.





So recently there has been quite a bit of change in my world. I did a Medicine Card reading to help me sort out what was going on and how to deal with it. This is what I got:


In the East is Opposum reversed. He is the actor of the animal kingdom and his message is to play dead, the defense of no defense. Echoing my earlier lesson, he is saying not to fight. The only catch is that, in reverse he's saying not to believe your own act. Don't get caught in the drama of the situation. Play along, but be "in the world not of it."


The South holds Coyote. Similar energy being the trickster, but again warning about getting caught in your own traps (i.e. Wile E Coyote). Also though, he brings a more playful attitude, encouraging us to laugh at ourselves and not take the situations so seriously (for example -- when your cat walks across the keyboard while you're intently typing this very paragraph, not only putting an entire line of "v"s zipping across your page, but also shutting down your laptop).



In the West, the place of water, appropriately swims Beaver, the builder. Emotionally things are coming together and a good foundation is being built for what is to come, and as a result of this building many things will pool and expand in ways not even imaginable.


The North, the place of Earth, is Elk. His medicine is stamina, indicating that, even in the practical areas there will be enough energy and resources to fulfill my plans and dreams.


And finally, in the Center, the one who ties all these elements together, is Spider, the weaver, the creator, reminding me that I am at the center of my reality, I am the one creating my world and my future, and it will be just as I have dreamed it.

But the thing is that all of this, the building of my new reality, the fulfillment of my dreams, hinges on one thing. Letting go. I am not fighting for what I want or need. I am going along, doing what I need to, not taking the outward appearances seriously or getting caught in the drama, because it is my golden thread, my path, that I am weaving. And my path, my dreams, are held safely in the blanket of the Universe. I will proceed with gentleness. There is no need to fight.

Thank you Grandmother.

10-4 Good Buddy - That's An Affirmative

At work my 'desk' is basically an old table with some cardboard taped to the top of it. Since really not defacing anything, I started writing affirmations in marker on the cardboard table top, just little reminders as I go through my day as to who I really am and to the bigger picture. As I was looking at it the other day, it suddenly occurred to me how long I've been repeating some of these affirmations, and what a difference they've made in my life. Instead of filling my head with fear or scarcity thoughts, I habitually think certain affirmations, and though they may not have a lot of power in themselves, their repetition, particularly over a number of years, is actually quite staggering. It is more in the manner of how they affect my thought process, rather than the specifics of any particular phrase. And like a lot of natural medicines and healing methods, the results are very subtle, not the huge light show expected or desired by modern society, yet they are extremely powerful.

Anyway, I thought I would list my top 10 affirmations from over the years, just to see the parallels between them and my experience. So in no particular order these are my top affirmations:

10. The Universe is unfolding in perfect harmony.

9. The Universe is safe, friendly, and abundant.

8. I am always in the right place at the right time.

7. Everything comes to me easily and effortlessly.

6. Whatever it is, it is God.

5. There is no separation.

4. I am relaxed and deeply centered with in myself.

3. Nothing anyone says or does can threaten who or what I am.

2. I am whole and complete within my self.

And the one I do use the most by far, to the point of almost being hard-wired into my brain:

1. There is always a completely harmoniuos solution for the highest good of everyone involved.

Of course there is the ever favorite: Be like water.

Not to mention my latest fave: There is no charge for awesomeness.

Aye of the Storm

So the Monday after my soul retrieval (did I mention I had a soul retrieval? :)), when I was feeling very much here, very much centered, and very much whole, I was driving to work when something struck me. The feeling of centeredness was sooo strong that I was experiencing a total detachment from the world. A total appreciation for everything while at the same time a total detachment. I was seeing the divine harmonious dance of everything -- no good or bad, just total "isness" -- and though I was a part of it all, I could let it all go and just watch it spin and dance around me because I knew who I was at the center of my world. The 'A-ha' came as it dawned on me what exactly this experience was.


To back up just a bit, I am dedicated to the goddess Artemis. I reported many months ago, in another more private blog, that she had told me to be "the eye of the storm". In this sudden epiphany I said outloud, "This is what you were talking about isn't it!" "Aye, Beloved," and I could almost hear her smile.

So Below

As I continue to go through profound transformations, I'm finding it easy for my life and emotions to fluctuate wildly between extremes. For instance, I mentioned how the week following my soul retrieval was ecstatic to say the least. Well, the week after that, this previous week, was a hellish ride. I found myself reduced to a shell of myself, shades of an old me I hoped I'd put to rest, anxious, confused, jangled, trapped, scarcity-minded. --Yuck! I felt totally overwhelmed and overstimulated and couldn't process the excess information. Fortunately in Her divine timing and knowing, Goddess had already arranged an exit strategy for me.


At the Ostara ritual that I attended, one of the women mentioned to me she has a cabin on her property and allows friends to come stay if they need a retreat from the world, or just need to get away to the woods for awhile. I jumped at the chance, having felt a need for some deep solitude for a while now, and serendipitously chose this particular weekend -- exactly the weekend I need it!


It's not a totally primitive retreat, which is okay because, even as I write this, I realize I also have a need to be pampered a bit too. The cabin has a DVD player (I fell asleep last night watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince) and cable TV, which I don't have at home. Not that I'm really using it to watch. This morning, still feeling the onslaught of uncomfortable, prickly energy buzzing incessantly around my chest and shoulders, I turned the TV to the channel that plays 80s music and I danced, rocking the little cabin on its foundations, raising my own vibrations above these bothersome, invasive waves.


Still my thoughts start to go to places like, "What happened? Didn't the retrieval take? How can I be feeling this way? What's wrong with me?" ...Nothing is wrong with me. Once again I've encountered something that, rather than demeaning me validates me and my experience. I've discovered that in the wide majority of times I'm going through periods like this, I'm not the only one. Apparently a lot of people are going through the same or similar experiences right now, as the mass consciousness continues to rise (Did that 'New Age' mumbo-jumbo really just come out of me?!). Whatever the causes or explanations, there are masses of us going through changes right now. To me this reinforces in me that whatever I'm feeling or thinking, it is for a purpose.


Also, in my favorite book of all time, Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck, she introduces the concept of 'emotional shrapnel'. Emotions touch and affect us in so many ways and so many places in our body and our psyche that it can't all come out at once. Years later, like a piece of shrapnel someone may have gotten in a battle, an emotion suddenly is pushed to the surface, in order to be cleared and healed. It is actually a good sign when these things happen. It is a sign you have grown to a point of being strong enough to handle it and heal it.


The tricky part is not to get caught into it, take it as reality, and begin another vicious cycle. Just to be present and allow it, feel it, whatever 'it' is, and release it. It's kind of like an invisible fence. I heard someone talking about how their dog had figured out that if he got a running start, and jumped at the right time, the electric shock of the fence would only last a moment, but then he was on the other side and free. I want to be on the other side of the invisible fence.


To help me get there, this song I wrote many years ago has been popping into my head of late, and I've been trying to use it like a prayer to remind me that everything is alright, and all I really have to do is show up. Everything else is already taken care of...

It's not me who has to do this but the spirit of my soul

All I need is to surrender to the wisdom of the whole

Everything is taken care of and all pieces are in place

And no matter how miraculous there always is a way

So it is, it is so

As above, so below

Letting go of all my limits and releasing all my fears

For my purpose is within me and the path before me clear

Easily and effortless the outcome has been sealed

Stretching out my hand before me I know everything is healed

So it is, it is so

As above, so below

O Soul Mio

Two weeks ago I had a Soul Retrieval. Technically that is. I heard somewhere that the process actually starts the moment you make the commitment to do something like this, as in setting a date. In retrospect that is how it happened for me.


So a few weeks before the actual ceremony, I talked to the woman, a classmate in my shamanic studies, on the phone answering questions and solidifying plans. I believe it was the next night that I had a very strange experience. As I was sitting on the couch, after just having put in a movie (28 Days with Sondra Bullock), This odd feeling, like a softly squeezing pressure, started in my lower extremities, then like a wave washed up and over the rest of my body. It was very similar to what an anxiety attack feels like, only there was no anxiety -- other than me sitting there stunned asking myself, "What the heck was that?!" It was a bit freaky, and once I regained my senses, I called a friend to talk about it.


She asked a number of questions to help me get clear about it, then asked if I'd asked Jeshua. Of course I didn't. These are the times it would be perfect to tune into my guides, but being the absent minded shamanic practitioner I am, often forget that option.


So I did ask Jeshua, and he told me a couple things. First of all I have been experiencing so many changes with so many energy shifts ( I am no stranger to the so-called 'Ascension Sickness'), but have only been recognizing them after the fact, and that, on some level, this time I had asked to really feel it, palpably. The second thing he told me was, "That is what birth feels like."


The imagery made a lot of sense to me, other than the fact that I would have been coming out of the birth canal feet first, but tactily was probably pretty right on. That experience faded and the
next couple weeks went relatively normally.


The night before the soul retrieval, I was in Starbucks. I was just leaving, Mother Mary popped into my consciousness, with a peaceful gentleness, saying something about being at ease, and she smiled. Every night when I was a kid, and a good Catholic, I would say my rosary as I was falling asleep in bed, and I always felt Mary's presence hovering over me, then embracing me as if by angel wings. She again embraced me this way, and again I felt that soft, soothing , motherly love surrounding me.



The next morning, Friday, the day of the the retrieval, I was lounging on the couch, feet draped over the ottoman, and eyes closed, when I felt something small, soft, and wet tickle my foot. I assumed it was Mr. Timmons sniffing around -- he seems to have a foot fetish -- but I opened my eyes and he was on the other side of the room. There was nothing even close to my feet. "Interesting," I thought, "I wonder who that was?" I closed my eyes again to take a look. Standing off acouple of yards was a lynx, just staring at me. I knew it wasn't her. Too big for whatever it was I felt brush my heel.




So looking a little closer, I saw a merekat standing in front of me. He told me "You have many underground resources in rooms you have never even seen or explored. And you are surrounded by a community that watches out for you -- You don't have to be on such high alert all the time or on your own. Hakuna Matata!" Still he was too big to have been what I felt. I was, however, very pleased to look Meerkat up later in one of my animal guide reference books and found, almost word for word, what I'd been told.



I turned to Lynx and asked what she was doing there. She told me to "whisper my secrets to the world." Suddenly it made sense to me. Lynx is the keeper of secrets, in fact there are theories that the Great Sphinx in Egypt is a lynx and not a lion. What better guardian to have with me on a soul retrieval.



I felt a familiar tickle on my foot again, and this time saw the responsible party -- a trio of otters rolling and playing on the ground, occasionally brushing my foot in their play. Their message was the need for me to ease up and play, regain my innocence, my flow, and my sensuousness.



As I watched them the phrase "Be like water" came into my head, and with it a story that I still need to write that basically tells of how a river longed to know itself on a deeper level, and so became embodied as an otter that it may swim through its own depths.



After all this happened, I received a text from a friend who was struggling with some personal challenge, but also being close to Jeshua mentioned that she would just have to give it to him to solve. Instantly I started texting her back, only it wasn't me. I mean I was pushing the buttons, but the voice coming through the words was not my own. I just kind of blissed out and as words flowed into my mind I typed them into my phone, finally sending it to my friend when it felt complete. After a bit she texted back a thank you. "Wasn't me." "Oh I know that voice very well."



Before I left for the actual ceremony, I was cleaning out my back-pack. As I reached into the bottom of the bag I felt something cold and smooth. "What the -?" I pulled out this beautiful green stone (Malachite I was told later). The thing is I don't remember ever getting it. I was sure I must have picked it up somewhere, but for the life of me I couldn't remember where. The different shades reminded me of deep forest, especially with the rings resembling those on a tree. This stone was special, so I tucked this little green miracle into my pocket.

It was finally time for the actual ritual, which took place at my shamanic teacher's home, a space that has become safe and magickal to me. I placed my stone on the altar, and we called in the directions. My teacher then drummed while my classmate and I lay on the floor with our shoulders, hips, and ankles touching -- the reference point for the journeyer, asking her guides for the soul parts for this person who I am connected to. The journey didn't last very long. I, and my two friends that came with me to hold space for me, were surprised, having been prepared for an hour or two, and I don't think it lasted 20 minutes. My classmate sat up then, and after rattling her deer-toes for a bit, blew the soul parts into my chest. Then she sat me up and blew them into the top of my head. She rattled around me, sealing the parts in, then, releasing the directions, we were done.

My classmate told me of the two parts she'd brought back. One was from when I was very young. And this was not the first time I'd heard this, but as a boy I experienced a "profound disappointment" because my life was not living up to the expectations I'd brought with me when I was born. Out of an almost boredom, that part of me left, but now it was back, bringing a renewed vigor and joyfulness for life. The second one was from my teen years, and centered around a relationship that either didn't happen, or went wrong. This would bring me the gift of confidence, and more ability to give and receive love in relationships.

It is highly recommended that you don't drive after a soul retrieval, so my friend, who had plenty of experience, having driven me home from my vision quest, drove me to her place. Even though I felt fine aside from a bit of spaciness, I thought it best to stay safe just in case. I spent the night on my friend's couch, although I'm not sure how much I actually slept. I tossed and turned all night, exhaustion wrestling with restlessness, and the next morning I woke feeling like I'd been hit by a Mack truck. No energy what-so-ever yet couldn't really sleep either. Finally I headed home, feeling alright to drive, and basically spent the rest of the day sleeping on my couch.

The next couple of nights were rough. I encountered the same restless tiredness, my body jerking awake as soon as I fell asleep. Sunday morning, as I was minding my own business, I suddenly saw Mother Mary hover back into my mind. She smiled at me and said, "Be not afraid. You walk on the path of angels." Still haven't figured out what she meant by that.

That night I slept better than I had previously. I think I actually woke up with a smile, and as I went to work that day, and that whole week, I was on a whole different level. Even at work nothing could touch me. I just wasn't in the same space as everyone else, feeling their world lapping up against my legs, like waves on a lake, and occassionally a big wave would hit but I would duck, it would momentarily wash over my head, and then I'd stand up, once again towering over it.

The next Saturday was my monthly shaman circle in Seattle. As I sat there I could hardly contain myself just buzzing with energy and wanting to bust out laughing. We began our talking circle and I grabbed the deer bone talking stick. I began relaying what I have reported above, and at one point I looked over and my teacher was crying. I couldn't help but tear up as well as I mouthed a silent 'thank you' to her. When I was done she explained to the rest of the circle that it had been like a triple graduation -- It was the first time she had taught a soul retrieval class, it was the first time one of her students had performed a soul retrieval, and it was the first time I'd received one.

What a gift, for a teacher to care that much. I was incredibly touched. And the integration of these soul parts, these parts of me that had checked out somewhere along the line for various reasons, has been an up and down process, but through it all there is a different feeling. No matter what emotion or situation I'm experiencing, there is a sense of wholeness. For the longest time I had found myself saying, sometimes outloud, that I should be able to handle whatever it was in front of me. It was like standing on one of those rickety bridges that you see in the movies, but where a board is missing right where you needed to put your foot in order to support your weight.

The board has been replaced, and I am standing again. My stance is stronger and more balanced. It can still get a bit shaky, but no matter how rough it gets I can no longer fall through.

Welcome home soul.

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Shaman

To the tune of Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys by Ed Bruce

Shaman ain't easy to love and they're harder to hold
They prefer fetching of soul parts to silver or gold
An altar cloth stage reveals cedar and sage, and a crystal or two when unfurled
You can not bind them, for try as you might, they're already between the worlds


Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be shaman
Don't let 'em shake rattles or beat them old drums
Let them be doctors or crunchers of sums
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be shaman
You can't get them alone, they're never on their own, surrounded by their spirit chums


Shaman like fires and feathers and stones and ancestors
Ecstatically dancing their spirit guides into the night
Journeys to exotic realms where the spirits and dieties like to vacation
They are stranger than most, though they're not ones to boast, they're happy to just spread the light


Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be shaman
Don't let 'em shake rattles or beat them old drums
Let them be doctors and crunchers of sums
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be shaman
You can't get them alone, they're never on their own, surrounded by their spirit chums